Anonyblog

I'll take one elephant please

so here I am, 22, female, attractive,single, medical student, and totally unlucky with love.
One would think that I could settle down and pick any one of a half dozen eligible guys that are waiting at my doorstep. Not to be though.
I pick the one that can't be had. Yes, the guy is married.
I haven't even met face to face, yet. It's been strictly an online thing, a freindship that started over a year ago. Innocently started.
Me, miss perfect, would never consider messing with a married man...ha!...the very thought of it!
We've done the online chat thing and the webcam thing. I know what his voice sounds like although I've resisted actually speaking to him on the phone.
Yes, the friendship grew into more. I've never done the cybersex stuff, I actually think it's dumb, so our online relationship is more of a wonderful chemistry mix of blended admiration, respect, and pure conversation enjoyment.
I love the online guy. I realize there's more to love than just words on a screen though. So the next natural step would be to meet inperson. That's where the problems start.
He's wanting to meet. I'm the one holding back because the guilt feeling is stronger than lust for me. I doubt that meeting him in person would be purely platonic. He is very attractive and I know he finds me equally appealing. The resulting attractions would be rather explosive if we met. Meeting him face to face would make the lust completely forget about the guilt.
He's very clearly said that he's devoted to his wife. It's obvious that he loves her. I guess he just wants me as his toy? I've asked him what he wants from me; what's supposed to happen from here? He said that he can't say until we meet, but he wouldn't want to lose what he has with his wife.
Me = fuckbuddy, i guess.
I've got to give him up. there's no future in this. my fantasy would be that his wife falls in love with someone else, divorces my love so that he'll be free for me.
heh
i do have a brain, love is warping it, keeping it from working and clearly seeing the things i need to see.
he's been visiting the states (on business) and away from his wife for the past month. that was the perfect chance for me to take advantage, meet him, seduce him into falling completely head over heels in love with me. I know i could steal him away. I know my powers. but....
i can't use them.
right now, he's on a plane, flying back to australia for his christmas holiday. His wife is waiting for his arrival. i feel no jealousy, which is fortunate. I care about him enough to want him to be happy, even if it's without me.
He's coming back to the states after the holidays though; leaving his wife behind, and leaving himself vunerable to loneliness and wanting me even more.
i can't continue this... i just can't. gots to give the guy up.
No one in my life knows about me and the married guy so i have to deal with this on my own.

i guess i need to look more closely at the ones standing on my doorstep. There are some good, yummy ones, but they are not my wonderful, sweet aussie guy.
ah, the sadness.

A big thanks to the person who set this up. It feels good to vent.