Anonyblog

him

It began when I noticed that he and one or two others were the best available choices for attraction in the limited population. As I became better acquainted with everyone, his status rose among even the two or three. I recognize the evolutionary patterns in my behavior, but that recognition changes nothing.

Throughout the months, we continued to get to know each other better, simply because we were often in close proximity due to the project to which we were both contributing. Continuous banter became a characteristic of the ''relationship;'' I could hardly call us actual friends, but we were more than just acquaintances. He was the only person I was even somewhat interested in at the time and for that reason my energy was more focused than it might otherwise have been. The fact that he paid attention to me helped, too.

I'm 95% sure that there was no reciprocating physical attraction, and I do not know whether his flirtation meant anything or not. There was physical contact, but that might have just been what he did in general; remember, we didn't know each other well.

I could never be involved with him, and I knew this at the time. Ideological differences can be a bitch. Still, he was the only real object of attention around, so my attention remained where it was.

I haven't seen him in six months. We have emailed each other perhaps five times in that duration. The project is long since completed, and I've changed careers anyway. There are more fish in the ocean, I have discovered, but even though my attention is being directed actively in new directions, I can't get him out of my mind. My emotions even perk up when I notice him log in to MSN.

Even if I discovered that my feelings were reciprocated, even if we had kept in touch, even if I had time for a relationship at this point in my life...
nothing could happen, I wouldn't allow it.

No matter how many times I remind myself of this fact, nothing changes.

Nothing has changed in six months, and I don't see anything changing anytime soon.

What do I do? How can I forget?

Posted by anonymous at December 29, 2003 10:25 PM