Well, my life is odd to me. It's odd because it seems so perfect, yet I feel it's already over and now I'm just waiting for death. I'm not making any attempts to expand or acheive; I'm just here, taking up space, it seems (to me anyways). I'm not sure if it's all in my head or...well, it's gotta be..or..I don't know anymore. I just have no motivation whatsoever and I'm 20yrs old. It's like school was my life (k-12) and now that that's over with, what is left? I'm in the Navy and have already been to war in the Middle East, which is the only real thing I'm proud to have been apart of. But ever since coming back last September, I feel useless. I'm always asking myself "why am I here? What next?" There is so much I could be doing right now because I know I'm an intelligent person and can really have an impact on this world if I had the motivation.
My childhood, to me, was perfect. I love my family and my friends back home. My parents are the best in the world, nothing will convince me otherwise. I've never had to experience being teased, or molestation, or drugs. Shoot, the first time I ever got drunk was when I returned from the Middle East! I guess I could be stereotyped as one of those "Quiet, smart Mr. Nice/perfect guys who doesn't mess up EVER in life, but when he does, Shit hits the fan"--to me anyways.
That's also weird, I keep saying "to me anyways" a lot, don't I?? Sorry. This goes to show that all of my 'drama' is in my head. Most of the time, it's like there's two of me. I talk to myself all of the time, when I see something cool, when I'm solving a problem, etc. So I've grown accustomed to duking it out with myself over just about everything. I have these 'standards' in my head that I'm always holding myself up to. When people say "that's good enough", I'm tearing my guts out thinking "hell no! that's dogshit! fix it right now, stay late if you have to". Then I get all selfconcious about what the other person thinks of me wanting to work harder. That's another thing that pisses me off, is ALL OF THE LAZY FUCKS IN THE MILITARY THAT PISS AND MOAN ABOUT SIMPLE, EVERYDAY THINGS, LIKE CLEANING UP. THERE ARE SO MANY 'CHILDREN' IN THE MILITARY IT'S INSANE! But no one hears too much about them, not the masses anyways. Who cares, right?? I hate being the only one that does! That demoralizes me and makes me not want to move any further. I guess it would help if I had more confidence, too. There's another problem.
People scare me. Simple enough. I'm always shy around new people, which I hate to be, but it's the way I am, and it's hazardous to my future...if I should call it that. It's holding me down. That's what happens when you live a life of being the 'quiet guy'. When your job demands you to be authorative and you're the quiet one, you're screwed!
Maybe the military was wrong for me. It was the only thing I ever thought of thru high school. No college, no family, nothing else. Since my last option seems to be fading, what's left? Well, I could think of something else to do, but I feel it would be wrong to do so, I might 'get in trouble'.
I should've joined the Marines. All I want to do anymore, since I'm doing nothing, is to kill other people. Not worry about thinking or rules, or responsibility. I just want someone to say 'Fire'. Without worries of jail or consequence, it would be a good life. Sounds like Anarchy, terrorism. NO rules, worries about family, money, or at least my dumb idea of terrorism. If you think about it, most terrorists have their reasons, but I just want to kill people. Thank GOD for video games and good parents, and sex.
I like to think I'm a good person, but when I actually THINK about, I have no idea what others think of me. But should that matter? It's helpful to gauge how you're perceived by others in lots of different ways. Ugh, it's one of those mind-fuck things. Actually, for some reason, everyone thinks I'm a hard-charging, squared-away, by-the-book guy. It's tough believing that when I feel useless. Lots of times I just want to crash my head into walls and objects or curl up and die somewhere. This is odd cuz I guess I'm advancing pretty well for my age. I just don't care anymore. I'm getting a new position in my company because of my squared-awayedness, I think, but I never asked or even hinted for wanting something else. I don't know.
I don't know what to do. I'm just wasting away my time right now. I bet if I did kill myself no one would care, or I'd like to think that to make it easier. Maybe I just want people to feel sorry for me. WHAT THE HELL?? Okay that makes no sense but whatever...
Maybe I should stop bitching and do something. I talk about killing people but I know that helping people gives me a figurative hard-on. Saving lives or improving lives of others without regard to my own.
Another possibility!! I view my life as useless....maybe cuz I'd sacrifice it in a heartbeat for someone elses', knowing they'd live. A cry for attention?? "look at me, I helped someone, love ME!!!" Hmmmm....(for those just tuning in, this rambling is actually my though process, writing out loud). Maybe I should be a medic. Yeah, needles make me nervous, stabbing others, but I know I'd care for the Marines I'd be stationed with, cuz I'd be all they had, so I'd force myself to be the best, to be there for them.
Maybe I'm bipolar??
I think depression is kicking in. One second I want to save lives, another I want to take lives, then I want to take my own.. What is that???
I've been typing for a long damn time so I'll close for now. sorry if I made anyone dumber.
Bush is an asshole. He just is. Sorry, had to say it!
Posted by anonymous at May 1, 2004 9:55 PM | TrackBack