OK, stumbled on this site the other night, never "blogged" before -- surprising since I'm a computer nerd. Anyway, here's some insite to why I'm so fucking strange. Don't know why I'm posti- ... bull, yes I do. Anway, a list of thoughts, emotions and general phycho-bs of where I'm coming from. Anyone else come close? Enjoy:
frustration
loneliness
thoughts at the edge of my mind impossible to see clearly
emotions I cannot describe
alone in a room full of people
always a watcher, never a participant
fear of being one of the masses
fear I cannot be myself ... who the hell am I anyway?
all things that should make me happy only work for a short time
no interest in keeping friends ... no, that's not right, more like: no interest in doing the work to keep friends, maybe I'm just selfish and lazy.
like to imagine myself leaving a positive mark, but having a bit of mystery, afraid I just come off weird.
need immediate gratification ... hard for me to wait for the payoff. If can't get it, I try to find some other kind of gratification some other way.
Like to think I'm part of some experiment and someday I'll wake up and this whole life will be some strange dream; not a nightmare exactly, just a bit disturbing. As if nothing is as it should be, including me.
Feel like everyone knows something I don't. Like they were all in some meeting that I missed. When you're in school and you look at seniors, it seems they've got it all figured out. But when you're a senior, you realize it's all bullshit. I feel like that all the time, and I'm in my 30s.
I want people to be happy, but it's exausting trying to keep them all that way.
I'm sure I've emotionally hurt a lot of people, but I didn't want to.
I'm afraid of dying, but I'm not afraid of death, and no I'm not suicidal. I'm too greedy for that. It's like leaving a movie before it's over: It may suck, but I still want to see what happens next.
Sometimes I think I'm in the wrong parallel universe.
Sometimes I wish I were a twin and my long lost brother would show up someday. Then I would have someone who gets it.
Posted by anonymous at May 26, 2004 6:43 PM | TrackBack