I was young and naive when I met my wife. I was 18 and did not understand dating. I did not understand that dating many people is a good thing, that it allows you to understand your likes and dislikes in the opposite (or same, if you're into that thing) gender. When we were dating, and we would fight, she would accuse me that I was with her because I was afraid of not finding someone else. She was right. Partially.
I grew up in a religious house, which preached no sex before marriage. We had sex, and the way I reconciled it in my head was to think we would get married. Five years after we first had sex, we were married.
We have a lot of differences that have always caused a lot of strain in our relationship. However, it has only been recently that I have realized that these differences are much more of a problem to me that I first realized. These differences are things that strike me every day, and these differences have been present throughout our relationship.
I feel like I am two different people, one when I am around her, and one when I am not. I like the latter me much more than the former. I am much more easy going, and usually can think more clearly. I am not cheating on her, nor have I ever.If I were not married to her right now, I would break up with her in a second.
Right now, the timing is terrible for this, as she is between jobs, and the leaving of her former job was difficult for her. I don't want to leave her high and dry, but I fear that if I don't leave her soon, I will never do it, and I would be miserable for the rest of my life. If this occurs, I don't think she'll be as happy as she would be with someone else.
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Lonely in wedlock
So basically you are going through a hard time and refuse to try to work it out? Times get hard and you run? Are you a man? Or are you a child? Go to a marriage counselor. You made vows (you are religious right) and they were for better or for worse. And you are willing to run out because you aren't having a good time. Did you think it would be all lovey dovey. Get counseling damnit before you give up.
Posted by: anon at June 26, 2004 7:50 PMYes, counseling, so that the blame may be categorically assigned to the male spouse by a professional, preferably one who had extensive college course work in critical feminist theory from a noncompetitive state university.
Posted by: at June 28, 2004 4:27 AMEither learn to love her or split up- it's that simple. There is no other option.
Posted by: at June 28, 2004 9:20 PMI can understand. I'm not happy with my wife. Maybe I am that hard to get along with and understand, but that doesn't change that I'm unhappy. I can't leave her, though. She's already been through another husband that left her for someone more fun.
Posted by: at July 5, 2004 8:49 AMYou highlight one of the big problems caused by strict religion: the clash between male hormones and providing for children. In a society where children can be planned there is not the need to marry just to have sex.
Without marriage and without children you would have gone your different ways and both of you would be happier.
I think you need to make the break, and the sooner you do so the sooner both of you can move on. You need to accept that it is not the fault of either of you and with luck you can still be friends. Oh, and you can't date any of her friends after breaking up.
Posted by: Brian (Shadowfoot) at July 7, 2004 2:28 PMYou need to get out while you can. Hopefully you so not have kids. This feeling will only will only get stronger and you will have a lot of regret. I am in a similar situation but I have kids. The rules are stacked against the male the women get everything they have way more power than we do thats why they cling to marrage because once you marry them you lose everything.
Don't worry about her not having a job the courts will make sure you will help her out with that. If you want to pay her less then make sure she has a job before you leave her.
Posted by: G at July 23, 2004 10:11 AM