I am 32. and am married for just a year to a girl I have known for 8 years who is 5 years younger than me. We have lived together for the majority of that time. Before that my longest relationship was about 3-6 months. Probably closer to 3. My wife is 6 months pregnant with our first child however I don't feel like I married the right person. In fact I am considering leaving her.
When we have sex I feel like she is just doing it for me and to her the intimacy is more important than the sexual prowess or connection for either of us. Like it's just a big hug or something. She has never cum, even with previous boyfriends and I know it's not my fault, but I cannot feel fulfilled sexually if I don't feel like I am fulfilling her and bringing her to climax. She does not enjoy me going down on her and this bothers me because it makes me feel sexy to make a woman feel sexy. Basically I don't think she is a very sexual being. She is definitely not gay or bi, I just don't think she thinks sex is that great, She has indicated she has some hang-ups about it.
She eats junk food all the time and I hate myself for giving in whenever she suggests it. Since I have been with her I have put on a lot of weight and my eating habits have degraded (I eat fast and finish everything on the plate even when I am full). Also, she does not cook very well; if anyone cooks it will be me. And she only likes plain food whereas I like to try new things all the time. I feel I need to be with someone who will experiment with food, share the tastes and eats healthy food. Also love to be with a woman who like me, can cook up a storm.
When my wife indicated she wanted to have kids I asked her to research it and create a plan so that we could prepare and integrate it into our life. With all the parenting books etc she got carried away and said she would not have sex with me if I was going to wear a condom, and told me she would not have sex for a week if I pulled out. One time we had sex and she said it was ok to blow in her because it was the time of the month where it was safe and would not get pregnant. She assured me she would not get pregnant. Whether it was conscious or subconscious I felt somewhat deceived, although I also wonder if I should blame her because when a woman wants kids, maybe the hormones take over and control their minds. When I found out she was pregnant I was upset with her and we talked about an abortion. She said she would get one, but when I researched it I found that this could affect her psychologically and possibly physiologically for the rest of her life. I told her not to worry about it, but I am still upset and not sure if I will get over it.
I am a very musical person and play guitar and have written songs. I also sing quite a bit which I really enjoy. My wife is not musical whatsoever and owns one CD, which her Dad bought her and she has never played. She says she likes music but I know she is not passionate about it. I know not every relationship has two people whose interests are the same, however I really feel I need to connect with someone who is passionate about music.
You may wonder, why have I been with my wife so long? Because she had nowhere to go if we broke up> Because I felt that it was going to be as good as it gets. Because I thought that no relationship is going to be perfect and all in all, we get on pretty well and she has a good professional job with a great income. I like the idea that we would always be a bit better off than the average couple. Money etc is important to me because I did not have much when I was young, and at school no-one thought I would amount to anything.
Recently, I have met a beautiful woman who thinks I am great and the sex for both of us is like nothing I or her have ever had. She is into healthy food and cooks beautifully. Also, she is an amazing singer and loves all kinds of music. The only thing she has in common with my wife is that she thinks I am great and is 5 years younger than me. This lady has an amazing body and face, with beautiful eyes. In short it feels like we fulfill each other emotionally & physically and we enjoy each other’s company immensely. I can't stop thinking about her. Now I’m older and have experienced a connection with an amazing woman, I understand that the whole money is less important than I thought.
If I leave my wife, then my family, her family, our friends and my work will think I am the bad guy. Understandable because she is 6 months pregnant with out first child. I love my lifestyle and my house, and hate to uproot everything, however I feel that it would be wrong to go through life this way. Also I feel bad about stringing my lover along because she is in limbo. I'm scared to talk to friends because this is very personal. Specifically, to give them the story it would mean I would have to give details about our sex life, and as these people are also friends of hers, this is not very fair for me to discuss. I am also scared to talk to a professional (psych) because they will probably tell me to leave her and while this is probably what I need to do, I am scared of making such a move that will affect my wife and my unborn child so dramatically.
Not sure what path to take.
well it sounds like you made a giant mistake for a million reasons, but now she's pregnant so you sealed the deal. if only you'd had some self respect a few months back you'd be much better off. So now what do you do? unless you want to be miserable the rest of your life you need to leave, but don't be a fuck about it, pay your childsupport and just have the balls to admit you made a giant mistake and move on.
Posted by: anon at November 15, 2004 7:37 AMMade a choice to marry got the girl pregnant and now you have to suck it up. Sorry dude but you should have thought about this long before you knocked her up. You're in it for 18 years buddy. Don't abandone your child because you made a bad mistake marrying your wife.
Posted by: at November 16, 2004 6:57 PMJohn aka Casey Hedglin,
This is Steve, I read your posted. Thank you for the share of what u were married her and unborn is in carry beside ya were cheated on me as I'm your boyfriend for 10 months and breakupp last sept27th, 2004 for the purposed moved to England so now I rememebered ya told me went a wedding for daddy's friends so now seem it is not for but for your wedding then now must be both of ya now live in Virgina
And wrote all over message how much ya love me and begging me back so I had been search ya for a one and half month so now I see the whole is hide from me. Oh my gosh well take it off my personal ciao
John aka Casey Hedglin,
This is Steve, I read your posted. Thank you for the share of what u were married her and unborn is in carry beside ya were cheated on me as I'm your boyfriend for 10 months and breakupp last sept27th, 2004 for the purposed moved to England so now I rememebered ya told me went a wedding for daddy's friends so now seem it is not for but for your wedding then now must be both of ya now live in Virgina
And wrote all over message how much ya love me and begging me back so I had been search ya for a one and half month so now I see the whole is hide from me. Oh my gosh well take it off my personal ciao
Beside I'm in breakdown healthy may want to die I'm really hurt so much and got a arm numb may be heartstroke.
Posted by: Steve D. at November 20, 2004 1:01 AMI would love to walk away from my marriage, my wife, like many women has changed physically and mentally in a big way - when her own siblings tell her she needs to shape up and calm down you know something is wrong.
However, we have a son so if I leave I will have to think carefully about what that would do to him.
Women have a way of trapping men...marriage and children can be a prison for your soul.
Get out before the child is born, be responsible in your financial obligations to the child and be as civillized as possible to your wife.
Posted by: at November 21, 2004 8:46 PMYou're pathetic.
"Oh poor little me, I married someone who likes different foods than me."
Boo-fucking-hoo.
Your wife will be much better off without you. You'll make a useless father anyway.
A lot of men seem to be worried about what will happen to the woman without them. They will cope! They have just as much right to go and find the person that makes their life complete as you do!
They can't do this if they are also trying to make a failing marriage work.
“Just call me John” said some wonderful things, and I really think you should try them. But, get a place of your own, be there for your wife as much as you possibly can, and see if you really are just infatuated with this new girl.
In six months everything will be much clearer to you. You can move back in with your wife, or make a new life with your girlfriend, or be single for a few years and get your head together. This is your life, and you only get one shot at it.
As painful as it is to have a marriage break up, both parties usually agree after time that it was for the best. I have suffered through failed relationships as well as having left for greener pastures, and I have found happiness later and I have no regrets.
To say that you have to “suck it up” because you got her pregnant and married the wrong girl is completely insulting to the wife. Why should she have to spend the rest of her life with a man who is only there because he feels he is obliged to be? How terrible, I certainly hope that the person who made this comment isn’t forcing his wife to stay in a terrible, unhappy relationship because of some half-arsed emotional blackmail about staying together purely for the sake of the marriage and the children. Set these children a healthy example by showing them that it is OK to follow your dreams, be true to your heart and seek out happiness throughout the short time we have on this planet.
And to the person that thinks it is all about him liking different food to his wife, try reading it again, it is a bit more complicated than your simplistic summation suggests.
No marriage will ever sustain the intensity that it has in the beginning; love and marriage becomes about companionship after many years. If your current wife and you have so little in common, then think about what your relationship will be like when the children have left home. You will find that it is harder to find your one true love when you look like a baked apple :)
Good luck, I hope you find happiness
It sounds like you worry too much about what people think and have always sought to do what is seen “as the right thing”. You shouldn’t have to question yourself in anticipation on how you will be judged by the people you are closest to, just do what comes naturally, the people who you have a connection with know you have a lot to offer no matter what.
If anything, now is the time to change, you sound like the person who genuinely cares for people and wants to do right by everyone, you would be doing them the greatest favor by letting them know who you really are, if they can’t deal with this then it’s a decision they are going to have to make.
Just be yourself and be aware of the ones who love you, the kind of people who you don’t have to think twice about what you say when you talk to them, the people who won’t judge you. No longer sacrifice who you are thinking it will please others, you shouldn’t have to hide from your wife or your friends.
I think john’s advice is very useful, if anything you need to give it a go, develop an intimate relationship with your wife, start talking to her, ask each other questions, try to break barriers and communicate with each other, attempt to understand each other without expectations.
I don’t think anyone can give you an answer, only solutions. Either way you will no doubt have to make sacrifices, but know that your friends will always be there for you. I wish you all the best.
I've seen a lot of my friends relationships suffer when both are unhappy, and forcing things to work because of having a child. I tend to think that this brings more undue stress upon the child in the long term. If you truly think the relationship is dead (at least for you) do the following:
1) stop the affair for the time being, your wife doesn't deserve this.
2) make your child support payments, and be a kickass dad
3) Be a great guy to your wife, hopefully in time you two can at least be friends
4) be prepared to accept a backlash likely from friends & relatives alike (because yes, you should have dealt w/ this a long time ago)
asides from that, go live a life that makes you happy
Take care
Posted by: tristan at January 3, 2005 1:52 PMYou're an idiot, and your wife deserves much better than you. You sound like an immature, selfish piece of shit, and your kid deserves a better father, so let your wife go find someone else while you and your home-wrecker girlfriend go listen to Kenny G and fry something.
Posted by: Joe at July 12, 2005 7:01 AMTime to grow up. You're a parent now. And if you leave the woman carrying your baby, everyone you meet, everyone who knows you, everyone who matters, will know that you chose to abandon your wife and baby rather than trying to work through some of the problems you have.
P.S. The woman-on-the-side? Yeah. She's having an affair with you, dude. Think that she'll be faithful to you once she gets bored? Really think about it. The woman you are involved with is the kind of woman who's comfortable helping destroy a marriage and wreck other people's lives.
Now you have a choice - You can make the right decision, and work on having a real marriage with your wife, where you decide to care about each other and discover how to be happy together, (and with the right tools and the right help, eventually actually find happiness)... or you can leave. You can be the type of person who gives up when things are too hard, a lying, cheating, unapologetic loser who will never know what it means to be a real man and live up to your committments.
Good luck.
Posted by: at November 14, 2005 3:27 PMDude. all these people live in glass houses and like to trow big rocks at others. do what you feel is right and if it isnt then so what,life is too short to listen to a bunch og hags anyway and it is your life. good luck and may the force be with you!
Posted by: at December 20, 2005 10:06 AMbhdx kdarnth bnfjvwho ilse yldjrbmnq mtrxq ojsmi
Posted by: mswj euhij at August 11, 2006 9:22 PMOink, oink. It's easy, pig. Just forward this to your wife and see what happens. Problem taken care of.
That's the best option for making sure everything goes as it should.
You don't hold people out at arm's length and decide between them like this unless they are both a party to the decision-making process. Simple. Give both women a copy of this pathetic, self-absorbed, irresponsible bullshit and let THEM decide for you, since you can't even make an adult decision, much less lead an adult life.
Oink.
Posted by: wigt at March 7, 2008 8:44 AMLeave her. Trust me, dear God (if there is one), you need to leave. For many reasons, leave. Leave. Leave. Leave.
Posted by: Darrell at May 15, 2008 2:57 PMyoure an idiot for putting yourself into this situation. be a MAN and be there for your wife. a marriage isnt all about you. you're selfish.
Posted by: anon at October 29, 2008 11:27 PM