Anonyblog

HELP ME!!!

Ok well, I'm 15 yrs old girl and I have so much shit going on I can't think!! I know I sound like some whinning little teenager, but its not like that at all. Everything went to hell two yrs ago. In 7th grade I started to hang out with the wrong group and ignore all my old friends that tried to get me away from them. I wish I would have listened to them then. Well, in 7th grade, I got arrested. It SUCKS!!!! Don't get arrested!! It has completely messed up my life!! I got arrested for smashing windows and messing up my elementry school (I never did like it lol jk). So I got arrested, 40 hrs of communite service, grounded for a yr, and I lost a ton of people close to me. My old friends, which turned out to be the best friends I had ever had, didn't want to have anything to do with me. And then school was hard, all the comments I heard when I walked by people. I only had one true friend, or at least I thought she was my true friend, she ending up hating me and that was just totally fucked. So then I was still a trouble maker in 7th grade. The reason I believe I was so rebelous it the fact that my grandpa had died, he was a big part of my life. In 7th, 8th, and still now in 9th I think and have thought about killing myself. I have tried many times. I just always think, "Why does one person matter?" Think about how many people there are, why would I matter, how can I affect other people, how can I be heard? So 7th grade pretty much sucked ass. Then 8th was a little better, but not much. In 8th there were still whispers about me all the time. And because of all them I was very kept to myself. Then in 8th grade I started to drink a lot (I had drinken before but only once in a while and not much). In 8th grade I was sneaking out and getting drunk, REALLY drunk. I would drink a whole water bottle filled with vodka and I'm only 110 pounds. So about the 5th night in a row that we went out, I got caught. My parents knew I snuck out, but didnt know I was getting drunk. I finally broke down and talked to my councler at school which really helped me. I would advice students talking to them, they can really help you. Then I was sent to therapy for a while. Things were getting a little better, but I still had a lot of problems going on. My mom is always VERY stressed becuase of work and she takes it out on my sisters and I, I know she doesnt mean to and I understand because she has a lot of things going on her life too, but still its hard for me to see her like that and it makes me depressed. And then my dad is very ill. He has been for a long time. He has diabeties and arthitis. He used to be able to run and walk and everything, but over the years he hasn't become very ill. Right now he does not have any toes and below his knee on his left leg has been amputated. It has made things really hard for me and my 14 yr old sister, christine. We are the ones who have to take care of him the most. We have to get him all of his meals and anything he needs. We have to get his medicine for him, dress him, get his toothbrush, put his fake leg on, help him get into his wheelchair, give him all his shots, eyedrops, inhailers, and tons more. We have to help him go to the bathroom too. It's really hard being young and having to watch my father going through all of this. I wish I could help him, but there's nothing I can do about his diseases. Right now my father is in the hospital. He has pneumonia and his livers are starting to fail. I don't know what I would do if anything were to happen to my father, I love him so much. I'm really upset too becuase I have never been really close to him. It's always been hard to close with him because I'm always so fustrated because he is so ill and isnt like all the other fathers. My dad had a stroke a few years back to and it affected his brain and left side of his body and that made it also harder to get close to him, our conversations would be kind of akward or very short. I wish sooo much that I would have taken advantage of the times I could of spent with him. If I would have just stopped being self centered for once. I would take everything back if he could just be ok. I've been praying for hours each night wishing that he'll be ok. He's been in the hospital for about a week now and he isn't getting any better. This one day the doctors told us that he might not make it. It was horrible. I couldn't believe it. He just went into the hospital becuase he thought he had a cold or something, then it turned out to be pneumonia and now almost liver failure. I just really need someone to give me reassuranc that everything we be ok and that they is still hope. Please prayer for him. And on top of that, now in 9th grade I have a ton of horrible things happening. School is harder and there are some REALLY nasty people at our school. Almost every guy is sexist. This one guy told me to get back in the kitchen so then I punched him right in the nose, in front of my teacher lol, I didn't get in trouble though. And then this year I broke up with my boyfriend, we went for over a year then he gave me total hell about it, calling me a slut and bitch and other nasty things. And then my friend is being pulled into the same situation I did in 7th grade (hanging out with the bad people) and I hate watching her slowly becoming involved with the wrong group and making poor decisions. And I'm having problems with my other 2 friends, Jeff and Emily. We are growing apart and we've been friends forever, its just really sad. And then at school the school work is unbelieveable, I'm up late doing work and then I have to wake up at 4:30 to get ready to get to the bus in the morning, which really sucks. So I don't ever get more then 5 hours of sleep. Then I got caught sneaking out a while ago and I'm getting completely hell from my mom about it. And then I'm starting to cut myself again and drinking. Please someone help me by giving me advice. I think I do all this stuff because I think these horrible things, I REALLY don't want to, but I always do. About how I'm so little in this world. Please someone reach out and tell me that there's hope and that I maybe I can affect others.