Anonyblog

Two weeks ago I broke up with my boyfriend of 4 months. There could be several reasons why. I tell everyone something different.

I tried to pin it on my boyfriend... making it seem like since he didn't like the fact that I didnt go to church that he was trying to change me, I thought we should break up.

That wasn't really it.

I needed an excuse for him, and for everyone

cause

I was cheating on him since the day he asked me out.

Do not get me wrong, I love him so GOD DAMN MUCH. But it was a long distance relationship. If he lived here, it would have made things so much easier. But its never easy.

It NEVER is easy.

My two bestest friends since highschool do not know everything, and they will never know. I cannot tell them. They do know that I cheated on my ex, just ONE kiss is all they know.

However

I have been sleeping with this guy. And the condom broke two days ago.

I went this morning to the health department.

I got emergency contraception. And a goodie bag of condoms. (colored!)

That night the condom broke, I was talking to this guy, and I really want to date him, which is ridiculous. To him.

He said he can't trust me, and that I am not faithful to my boyfriends.

I CHEATED ON THE ONLY BOYFRIEND I EVER LOVED for this guy, and he doesnt want me now because I am a cheater.

That makes me feel like a dirty slut. Like hes saying its okay to fuck me, but its not okay to be with me because I'll cheat on him! WTF. Sometimes this world is fucking insane.

I have a history of cutting my wrists, but not bad enough to kill myself. Just to feel it, and see it, cause they are so beautiful...

I can't talk to anyone about this shit, because then my web of lies would come undone, and my life would be ruined.

I am thinking of getting back with my ex, because I realize that he is the only one that will ever really love me, no matter what.
however
He will never know about any of this.

What he doesnt know won't hurt him.

I guess.

No one will ever know.

It's my shit to carry.

It's my shit to bury.

My best friend, Chris, is the guy.