Am I a good person? I ask myself this question every day, and I ask it from all aspects. Like am I too selfish? do I contribute something to the world? do I matter to others? do people like me? am I pretty? am I fat? From all aspects, I really do mean that. Once in a while a time will come that I have built up such a level of confidence about myself that suddenly I see a hole and everything I have built comes crashing down. Today is one of those days.
I figured I would have a nice, peaceful weekend doing work and getting some reading done and just kind of giving the weekend to myself - me. W even invited D and I out to dinner with her dad and I got a bit of work done, so overall it was a good day. A few things... a friend's accusations as we walked outside , "Oh, you're so cool, cause you're fake huh"... my sister basically telling me I had no fashion sense, that I was fat, that the clothes I wear look bad on me... another friend saying that I looked like shit all the time, in the emotional sense... general indifference from everyone. First emotion: sadness, eagerness to turn towards self-destruction (eating fatty foods, taking a cold shower, getting drunk), desire for pity. Second emotion: a return to being rational: their statements are accurate, why should I feel anger towards them? if I were an ideal human being I would utilize these statements to reanalyze and remake myself into a better person. Third emotion: confusion: should I be feeling this way? am I being selfish for putting such weight onto how people think about me? Bob was right, I do tend to overanalyze. can I improve myself? should I take these statements seriously? should I face problems or sugarcoat them as I always do?
I have to stop holding a double standard against the world; the only problem is that it is how I survive with my life everyday. On a most basic level, to be completely honest with myself, I believe that I am better than the entire world, that for some reason (although most are contradictory with my convictions about the world) I am the only person honest with myself, and wanting to do good in the world, that I still play piano the best and with most emotion although I haven't touched one for months, that I may not be the smartest but I have the potential to be and that I am above average, if all else fails. These convictions about myself keep me together everyday and make me not slouch, make me okay with sitting by myself in a cafe, make me not feel ugly as I think about how I have never had a boyfriend.
I have never had a boyfriend either and I tell myself a lot of the same things to explain to myself my lack of a significant other when everyone else I know has had or has someone. I look at everyone and figure out in what ways I'm better than them even if they do have someone to share their lives with. Why do you think we do that? Why do you think we're perpetually single. I guess the obvious answer is because my constant comparisons make me come off as arrogant and bitchy so no one would want to be with me. But at the same time, plenty of arrogant and bitchy people are in relationships so there must be something inherently wrong with us that makes us undatable. It sucks. I don't like being single in a couple's world.
Posted by: at May 13, 2005 11:07 AMPost a picture of you and the Kody will explain to you the reasons that you are or are not acceptable to date.
Posted by: at May 14, 2005 1:52 PMHow old are you? I didn't meet the man of my dreams until I was in my 40's, and he was worth waiting for. All the other men in my life up until then were a waste of my time. Don't let societal influences tell you that you MUST have a man in your life to be worthwhile. All you do then is lower your standards and settle for less than you deserve.
And don't listen to "the Kody." He says he's a bear, but he's really just a pig.
Posted by: at May 16, 2005 4:50 AMThank you!
Posted by: at May 18, 2005 9:24 PMThank you DRAGONLADY!
Posted by: at May 20, 2005 11:20 AMthank
Posted by: buy synthroid at August 17, 2006 8:41 AMcourted wean costuming seeped ruddy accedes lining?welding
Posted by: at December 8, 2006 1:53 AMThe Rolling Stones postpone a show in the US to allow singer Sir Mick Jagger time to rest his voice...
Posted by: Leo Whalen at December 10, 2006 2:40 AMRecord company EMI sign a deal with the estate of crooner Dean Martin to use the singer's likeness...
Posted by: Paul Wheaton at December 11, 2006 5:17 AM9343t1680HI3933sMEDV EDVER YNICE SITE 496589343t1680
Posted by: MEDVED2682 at March 22, 2007 6:48 PM9868t6818Jenny slowly stripped 401down to her brief translucent pink panties, while continuing to smoothly sway her hips, and shake her boobies, to the pounding caned music, as she moved in to give the big, blond-haired guy seated before her, a lap-dance he would remember. She straddled his thighs and slipped her arms about his neck, smiling at him, as she bucked and ground her hips, careful not to brush her crotch against the bulge of his erection. She arched her back, thrusting her shapely breasts forward, knowing the guy was aching to grasp her swaying orbs, dying to envelope her nipples with his hot mouth. But the customers were not allowed to touch the girls. well not officially! He groaned with unrequited desire, and pushed a twenty-dollar bill into the waistband of her panties, with fat, trembling fingers. She was one of three similarly attired, near naked girls, who were simultaneously writhing their sweet tushes over the laps of three seated male club members, while dozens more customers looked on, eagerly awaiting their own turn, including several women. Jenny had been working at the lap-dancing club for three weeks now, and was getting pretty good at this ultimate in sexual titivation. The money was pretty good, if you included the tips and she got plenty. She rubbed the guy face between her shapely breasts, finally allowing him to kiss and suck on her erect nipples, as she arched her spine and threw her head back, gasping with genuine pleasure. Finally the pounding musical accompaniment drew to a close and the lap-dance ended. As he pushed another twenty into the top of her flimsy underwear, she asked, in a husky voice, Would you like for me to dance for you privately, sir? They both knew what this really meant. If the guy agreed, another girl would replace her, while she was away, and her cut of the extra fee, would be a cool hundred bucks. It was the part of the job that Jennifer least liked, but she had to agree to it, if she wanted to stay employed. HI NICE Day.Jenny slowly stripped 853down to her brief translucent pink panties, while continuing to smoothly sway her hips, and shake her boobies, to the pounding caned music, as she moved in to give the big, blond-haired guy seated before her, a lap-dance he would remember. She straddled his thighs and slipped her arms about his neck, smiling at him, as she bucked and ground her hips, careful not to brush her crotch against the bulge of his erection. She arched her back, thrusting her shapely breasts forward, knowing the guy was aching to grasp her swaying orbs, dying to envelope her nipples with his hot mouth. But the customers were not allowed to touch the girls. well not officially! He groaned with unrequited desire, and pushed a twenty-dollar bill into the waistband of her panties, with fat, trembling fingers. She was one of three similarly attired, near naked girls, who were simultaneously writhing their sweet tushes over the laps of three seated male club members, while dozens more customers looked on, eagerly awaiting their own turn, including several women. Jenny had been working at the lap-dancing club for three weeks now, and was getting pretty good at this ultimate in sexual titivation. The money was pretty good, if you included the tips and she got plenty. She rubbed the guy face between her shapely breasts, finally allowing him to kiss and suck on her erect nipples, as she arched her spine and threw her head back, gasping with genuine pleasure. Finally the pounding musical accompaniment drew to a close and the lap-dance ended. As he pushed another twenty into the top of her flimsy underwear, she asked, in a husky voice, Would you like for me to dance for you privately, sir? They both knew what this really meant. If the guy agreed, another girl would replace her, while she was away, and her cut of the extra fee, would be a cool hundred bucks. It was the part of the job that Jennifer least liked, but she had to agree to it, if she wanted 9868t6818
Posted by: MEDVED3587 at March 22, 2007 6:56 PMvdsknd.
Posted by: at April 14, 2007 3:45 AM