so its the 4th of august and i still dont know what the fuck to do with my life. i feel so trapped sometimes. here i was a few years ago making $120k a year in a cushy ad job but hated it so much at the same time. all i did was snort cocaine and search for sex in chat rooms. so i pursued my life long dream of becoming a sculptor. i left the big city, got married, bought a house and bought some rental properties. all should be great right? wrong. turns out i have a cocaine and sex addiction. so i joined alcaholics anonymous (aa) and sex & love addicts anonymous (slaa). now my wife and i have our issues. she feels as though i am not the person she married--'whats with these addictions' she's thinking. well, her mom is an alcoholic and her dad is a shopaholic. i think she married what felt familiar. yet she is still resistant to facing herself and her own issues. she can be so emotionally withdrawnat times its scary. i can feel so fucking alone yet she's just in the next room!
i know i have my shit to deal with--i can be so fucking co-dependant at times. but money is such a fucking isuue in our lives. so she agreed to pay most of the bills for the next 6 month so i can do my art without any hassle. you may be thinking-what about the money from the rental properties? i'm still in the red with those. it will take another year or so to turn a profit.
part of me thinks pursuing my life as a sculptor is futile at this point. to get the acclaim and success i need will take too long and i' m too old to old at this point. i'm in my mid 30's. but i thought doing my art was going to make me happy. turns out the grass wasn't greener. it's me that is the problem. not my career. my self esteem was tied into what i earned and not into my values. this year i made $3000 so far. i never made so little. well, the year isnt over.
some days i just want to kill myself. it all seems so meaningless yet so stressful.
couples therapy isnt working.
i think my ad career is over. i've been looking for work with no luck. so then i tried selling real estate. hate it. plus it fucking hard work!! and the truth is it's cut throat. thats not what i want. i just need something part time--something to make 20k or 30k a year. something that will still leave me time to do my art.
i just got a dog. she's so happy to have me and she's great company too.
i dont know what writing this will do. i don't feel better. i just feel like i'm wasting more time.
i'll end this with a 'God grant me the serenity to accept the things i can not change. the courage to change the things i can, and the wisdom to know the difference.'
Posted by anonymous at August 4, 2005 6:16 AMone more thing--i'm in the chicago metropolitan area. please forward any job leads.
Posted by: at August 4, 2005 6:59 AMNo matter where you go, there you are. Try smoking your coke. You won't have time to worry about anything else. This will overcome all of your other problems.
Posted by: at August 4, 2005 12:30 PMSo what if it takes until you're 80 before you attain the acclaim and success you desire? Life is a journey, not a destination. But I can assure you that if you continue with your cocaine addiction, you will achieve none of the above---not the acclaim, not the success, and especially not the 80 years.
Posted by: at August 4, 2005 2:52 PMEveryone does and should go through that phase. As long as IT IS a phase. Developing dependancy to any sort of drug/outlet is not the answer. Just remember where you were in the beginning: i.e. before a job, before a wife/family and look at where you are now. Ask yourself these questions:
Is all of it still pathetic?
Have I not grown and am I mature enough to maintain a relationship while realising that happiness is not something that comes from outside you?
you've basically summed up how I feel today. I have worked 4 years at a very tough job.(I haven't made a lot of money but I'm comfortable with the material items that I have.) today that has all come to an abrupt end. I try to "do the right thing" and it comes back to bite me! Why do the "right thing" when others get away with doing the wrong thing?
you're right writing this doesn't make you feel any better. trying to assess my life thus far and I've failed at everything being a wife, mother, manager, employee, student, the only thing I haven't tried is being a deadbeat!!! maybe I could succeed for once.
Posted by: at August 18, 2005 12:09 PMIts 'alcoholic' you thick fuck. Did you not go to school?,,,or has the coca rotted your brain to mush as I suspect?. PS, I think Im in love with you but my dad wont let me fuck anybody else cos he gets jealous. Yes I am male. No I dont own a caravan. Fart, pube, shitter, aardvark wank, Ive fuckin got Tourettes you fuckin fuck spit spit fuck spit fuck fucker arse. sorry fuck for asshole the shitter swearing its the tourettes fuck fuck fault
Perhaps if you were smart enough to know first-grade English, you might be doing better. You were weeded out of the job market by your own ignorance, illiteracy, and stupidity. Sometimes things work.
Posted by: at January 24, 2006 7:21 AMBoo hoo. Woe is me. My life is shit. I am a victim. You created your own hell by making bad choices. Instead of being positive and trying to make a life change, you're wallowing in self pity.
If couples therapy isn't working for you, try a new therapist.
Also, stop the victim role playing. You're in your 30's and you say you're too old to be a success in sculpture? Victim again. Keep it up, cokehead and wallow in your own white pile of pity.
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