Anonyblog

Plays Well With Others....

Dear Tommy Simmons,

What is your opinion on playing poker against females? Do you find it more challenging? Are they easier to read? Do you have to keep scolding yourself to think with your brain up there and not your brain down there?
Also, are there any people you will never play with (i.e. you see them at the table and immediately turn & leave)? I hear you are skeptical of Asians; is there any real basis to that?
Signed,
Poker Princess
Austin, TX

Poker Princess,

I can tell by your letter that people generally dislike you. Don't take that too personally, we can't all have personalities. Anyway, something about you strikes me as odd. First of all, you refer to yourself as Poker Princess. That makes me want to vomit in terror. Frankly, I would hope that whoever is sitting closest to you at this very moment would look at you, point, and then throw little pieces of food at you while screaming. The ONLY princess I will ever acknowledge is Princess Pita Aguilar of the Parpangan Province in the Philippines. SHE WAS TRULY A SAINT! I will never forget the day she had one of her man servants bathe and feed me after I was found washed ashore on Parpan Beach. KiKanga (I called him Kiki) was one of the gentlest men I have ever known. I digress................

About playing against women in poker... I have no problems against women playing poker. That is simply because they are usually not very smart. This is advantageous to me in many ways. Most women who play poker have extra money to throw around. This is because their husband usually gives it to them. These women, who don't have jobs and just sit around the house drinking and snooping through their husband's pockets, usually don't know the value of a dollar. The result is equivalent to me giving a young Asian boy some candy. He will come back every time! Also, when I play against women they usually spend a lot of that time staring at me. My hair, my eyes, my mouth... they are all very striking features. I won't pretend that I am not a gorgeous man... I know it, and so do they. I see in their eyes that they lust for me, like the forbidden Lambada dance, I cannot be tamed. At the end of the night, not only do I have their money but I also have their hearts and minds.

As far as people I'd rather not play with, there are a few. Here is why I refuse to play poker with Asians:

CLICK HERE

Asians are a magical people. Magical little people. If they can make a catfish this big, I do NOT want to play with them at all. The funny thing about that catfish is... they ate it, and then an hour later they were all hungry again. Go figure.

I also won't play cards with old people, people with disabilities, carneys, people who have fought in foreign wars, extremely tall people, people with bad teeth, people who work near sheep or other farm-type animals, people who know people who robbed people, and last but certainly not least I will never play cards with women who own cats. These women are filthy and are the bottom of the whorey barrel. They are simply dirty, smelly pirate hookers and I wish they would go back to whore island.

I hope I have answered your ridiculous question.

Sincerely,

Tommy Simmons

Posted by anonymous at September 6, 2005 2:38 PM