Anonyblog

life bites

I have had the hardest decicion to make over the past 2 years. Divorce. While I have love in my heart still for this man who makes me ill and want to choke him till he is dead, I can no longer tolerate his deconstructive behaviors. He drinks excessively every night and has since I can remember despite my asking and on occasion begging him to stop drinking. and he tells me "I dont have a problem drinking, You have a problem with my drinking" . I think Fine no sense beating this dead horse anymore.

Then there is the bills. He doesnt pay the bills in a timely fashion nor in full so he can have money to squander on things like plants for the yard or new clothes for him or extravagant items that we cant afford and dont really need. Mostly stuff from the renal place that costs 4 times as much to purchase than to just dsave the moeny and buy from a regular store.

He wont let me know about the money and he wont tolerate my asking for receipts which he seems to always misplace. then there is the tax thing, He says I'll file that let me have it and I never see it till I go looking and find them and the certified letters from the IRS in his dresser. and when I ask why he only says I dont know.

So what am I to do ,, If I stay it will only be the same and I have to hear the kids say all the time that daddy is asleep on the couch and daddy always yells at me and why is daddy always angry. and I dont know what to tell them anymore.
If I dare say anything it will be taken as me slandering their fatherand his "good name" . and if I dont say anything they will never understand what it is I am trying to do.. I think sometimes maybe I should give in and be miserable instead of fight but if I do that then I will be continuing to enable him and his behavior. I am so damn tired and stressed out I cant even think straight sometimes.

The bad part is he is always in the house and never goes anywhere so I have to see him and hear his torturous forked tongue lash out at me and call me names and repeatedly ask the same questions over and over untill I want to just die.

I wish I had the money to take the kids and move out right now,, I wish I had had the nads to do this early on like when he almost burned the house down because he fell asleep on the couch having been drinking, while he was cooking food. I came home to my house belching smoke and my son frantic and trying to clear the house and wake his dad up. (no that wasnt the only time that happened) . The birds dies that night, it could have been the kids,, he doesn't understand that. he never will admit that.

I feel so foolish and weak. I couldnt stand if anything happened to him because I would be afraid I had wished it. the guilt would kill me.

I just want to be happy and not have this stress in my life or my kids lives. Why is that wrong???? Will he ever understand why? He is being nosey and trying to find other reasons for it like taht I am inlove with another man or something he can grasp to. while I am seeing someone. I am not sure yet that I love him. I am smitten. I adore his company every chance I get. but love?? in love?? what is that but a word. with out actions to back it up it means nothing. I love my car , Ilove my job, I love these sneakers... overused and overrated. he says he still loves me and still in love with me, but there is no action there,, no endearing intimacy to lure me back in. on the other hadn the other one is always wanting attention, always willing to give attention. I know he could leave at any moment. but you know what , even if he did, Ithink that I would cherish the short time that I had him and still want the divorce so I can move forward and heal and live again.

Posted by anonymous at November 1, 2005 9:14 AM