I used to be a pretty good person.
I think.
I was kind of depressed and sad as a teenager, but mostly because I felt guilty at having so much (nice family, somewhere to live etc...) and others being unhappy (world povery, wars etc...). I don't think I was particularly self-centred of selfish, but I thought I was, so I beat myself up about it (and cut myself up too).
Anyway, I started dating at 16, and stayed with my first boyfriend, the first guy I ever slept with, for 2 years. We didn't have too much in common, but it was nice enough. Then I met an amazing, wonderful, beautiful, clever new boyfriend and we were together for 7 years. Only I cheated on him (not an "affair", just a one-night stand). And he never knew. I hate myself every single day of my life for doing this. I know I can't change what happened, and it's all in the past and all that, but I guess at that moment, I stopped being a "good" person, and I can never go back, no matter how sorry I am, and how much I wish I could change things, I'm just not good anymore. Oh yeah, and when I cheated, it was with a girl and a boy. At the same time. Ny boyfriend never knew, but I split up with him, moslty because I couldn't live with myself, or face telling him and hurting him so much.
Now I'm with a new boyfriend, who I love very much. He loves me too, even though he knows everything about my past. But I think secretely he thinks I might cheat on him too (once a cheat, always a cheat apparently). He's kind of posessive and jealous, but not nasty to me or violent or anything.
I wish I could turn back the clock. And that is such a pointless, waste of time thing to wish for. I don't want to turn into a bitter person who is always thinking about the past, but I guess I am.
I wish I was good.
Posted by anonymous at November 29, 2005 11:29 AMSitting late Wednesday night I read your post. Being good, being bad is only a perspective. Even the honest person commits the sin of a white lie.
I used to be a good person, but it never helped me. To be honest, it only hurt me. I alway heard the petty stories of "that should never happen to you," or "you were better off w/o her." Doing the right thing is one option, expressing commitment is another.
I do not have a lot to offer. I just have myself. People can take it or leave it. I an unable to discuss my feelings early in a relationship. I am a very private person. Most of the time my girlfriend has never listened to me. I'm just a convience for them.
I'm commited to myself. I'm not a good person, I try to make the end meet. I'm commited to be the best I can be, being good goes to the side. I just wanted a person to share my experiences with.
My comments to you:
Don't look to the past, you've been there. Look forward to be better. What about the present you ask? It's to late, you're living it.
white snow
Posted by: White Snow at November 30, 2005 9:47 PMHey White Snow,
thank you for that. It sounds to me that if you're trying to be the best you can, than that is good isn't it?
I just can't reconcile my perceptions of right and wrong with what I did. And I know it's in the past, but I'm worried it's going to mess up my future too. I now don't feel I deserve as much in my relationship (even though it's with a different guy). And I'm just not as happy now as before, even though I know it's all my fault.
Thanks for your thoughtful words though.
Posted by: at December 1, 2005 2:02 AMWho among us has never had the fantasy of a threesome? You are one of the few who actually lived out your fantasy, and you've been beating yourself up about it for years now. It's time to stop; your penance has been paid. Giving in to temptation doesn't mean you are not good; it means that you are not perfect. Just like the rest of us.
BTW, the new guy in your life is your boyfriend, not your priest. It was not necessary to confess everything to him; he didn't need to know about your fling. You do not have to tell your complete life story right down to the last sordid detail to anyone.
You say he's possessive and jealous. Not good. Not good at all. He may not be nasty or violent to you now, but the possessive, jealous kind usually do turn to that. Be careful, please. You are a good person; that's why you feel bad about something you did in the past. But you've punished yourself enough; I fear that Mr. Possessive-and-Jealous may become violent one day, and if he does---RUN. Do not let him convince you that you deserve it, or that he'll never do it again, because you don't deserve it, and he will do it again.
Blessings
Posted by: at December 1, 2005 6:08 AMHey you cheating whore, ever heard of spellcheck?
Posted by: at December 1, 2005 4:09 PMThat was rude.
Posted by: at December 2, 2005 7:41 AM