I feel so alienated.
I'm not finding connections anywhere. I know it's my own fault. I don't call people and I don't communicate. But I don't know how to stop feeling brushed off when the three people I depend on as crutches don't have the time to constantly coddle me. I get sick when I think about how lonely I am. I hate it. I'm not anywhere, I'm not doing anything, I want to die. I don't really but someone mentioned suicide on railroad tracks and the image has been lingering. I feel really unattractive, and so sexually frustrated that it's turning back in on itself, whatever that means, but that's the only way I can explain it. I'm lashing out in weird, depraved ways, like the fake OKCupid account that came from who knows where, or that bizarre dream, or making retarded-10-year-old jokes. I'm regressing. I swing back and forth from emotional highs and lows so rapidly, and it's tiring. I was so happy yesterday. I feel so lethargic and creatively stagnant. I am dead and exhausted and I'm not functioning well, and I need a vacation, and I need to know I am IMPORTANT to SOMEONE. That's the problem, I think. I feel like I could pretty much disappear and it would only be a ripple. How emo, huh? But there's no one I love who I get to come into direct contact with every day. There's no one I can even talk to. My mom would flip out, I've dumped waaaay too much shit on my boyfriend already, I've used up my quota, Jane's lovely but too compassionate, and I just need to be sad for a while, I can't take being complimented into complacency. And I don't know what Misty is, these days. I think she subconciously (or conciously?) hates me. I'm five hundred and sixty miles away from everyone I really love. That hurts. I want to blame it on the pill very much. That doesn't make it better, though. That doesn't mean I have the energy or strength to go through these crashes every week.
Boyfriend, I am so frustrated, because I love you so much, and I don't know why but sometimes I get so FRUSTRATED with you. I miss you so much and I can't do enough to tell you so, and if you return the sentiment, I feel like you're jsut going through the motions. We're almost always talking about the most banal things, which is fun, but I NEED you so badly right now. I don't know. That isn't fair. I don't know what I need.
I sort of hate myself right now. I don't know what's wrong with me. I need to sleep. I love you, Boyfriend. So, so much. I'm so terrified of ruining this. I think about it a lot, and I think about the things you say are wrong with Ex-Girlfriend and I'm absolutely terrified of becoming that. I don't know i don't know i don't know. I want to die.
I've felt the way you feel before, and I know how horrible it is.
The things I'm about to suggest are easier said than done, and also you probably are aware of them but don't know where to start.
1. Call your friends. Don't be afraid to be the 1st person to call, or make plans, or catch up in some way.
2. Do some sport. If you join some kind of club, or start swimming regularly, not only will you feel better and happier, but you might meet new, interesting people who could become friends.
3. Talk to your boyfriend. If he didn't love you, he wouldn't be with you, and he is probably very worried right now and feeling helpless. Be honest, tell him exactly how you think he might help.
4. You mentioned "the pill". If you are on antidepressents, it may be that they just don't agree with you and you'd be better off without them (DON'T just come off them. See your doctor first). I know that the 2 years I was on Efexor feel wasted and blurry and like I did lots of stupid things.
Good luck. It sounds as though people do care about you very much, but you feel disconnected from them. Reconnect. Share.
Blessings
x
Hi!
read ur post..felt like i was reading my own...things have been rough lately, and i've been feeling exactly the same way..i can check everything that u said on my list except for the pill...anyway, dont want to bring u down further. life sometimes throws the worst. but, u need to keep going on for urself..if, not for anyone else. atleast with me, i think i've made it alive this far...how worse can it get?? i owe to my efforts thus far in life to go on..live for this second..and, congrajulate urself for every breath u take..i know to commit suicide is hard..and, trust me i've battling that thought all my life...the pleasure of not going thru this mess anymore..but, u need to go on coz u r stronger than that. u've had the strength to wtite about ur pain..and, we r here to share it...sure, there are a few people who ridicule, but the rest of us dont...so, count ur blessings, be happy for ur life..and live for now..
good luck my friend!
UC
Posted by: UC at December 6, 2005 11:40 AMIf the pill you refer to is the birth control pill, see your doctor. The majority of young women I know are using the depo shots. They don't get the mood swings, and they don't even get periods. If that isn't the issue, then you sound like you could have bipolar disorder. As several members of my extended family have it, I know for a fact that medication can help to fix the chemical imbalance that causes it. Either way, you really should consult your doctor.
Posted by: at December 6, 2005 12:46 PMYou're not alone. A lot of people feel the EXACT same way. Might I suggest talking to someone who's qualified to deal with your emotions and feelings? Don't sink yourself deeper with ill-advice, alcohol or drugs that only mask problems (not saying you do but some turn to it). Call someone. Talk to someone. If you don't know who to turn to, might I suggest calling the following help number: 1-877-949-HELP (it's a real number). You have nothing to lose.
Posted by: URLoved at December 7, 2005 11:00 AMI feel the same way. People here say its probably quarter-life crisis. I don't know. Be strong and goodluck
Posted by: at December 8, 2005 9:15 PMI had a tough time taking the pill--cried everyday. Try a different form of bc for awhile and see what happens. Otherwise, I agree with previous posts about talking to someone qualified. It will help validate your feelings and work through them with you.
Posted by: at December 9, 2005 3:54 PMI am male, so obviously dont give a shit
Posted by: at December 9, 2005 7:06 PMNice guy. What a catch.
Posted by: at December 10, 2005 7:02 AMConsider this. Your "boyfriend' may not really want to help you. He tells you things that were wrong with his ex. Why? To control you? To scare you into thinking he'll dump you if you happen to have any of those characteristics? Perhaps he's the type that profits from having a lover who lives in the gloomy cellar while he does not. I don't know the guy obviously, but spend at least a little while thinking over what he really is to you and you to him. Sometimes, some people's floors are the other person's ceiling. Don't let yourself become a shut in because your worried about his reaction to your openning up to the world of people more. I can say this stuff only because it happened to me.......
Posted by: at December 27, 2005 5:06 PMDear girl, I do believe you must take a hold of your life and begin to put things into action. First of all, try to invest in pig farming because I hear there is an upcoming boom in the market. Secondly, excert some pressure by blowing up balloons. This often helps me when I'm bored. Thirdly, dressing up as a giant mongoose and attacking random civillians is a great way to find a bed for the night as it often results in criminal conviction. Who knows, before long us giant mongooses may be so great in numbers that the world will be OURS!!!! Long live the mongoose!!!!!!!! Yours sincerely, Michael (mongoose) Duffy. xxxx
Posted by: Michael at December 29, 2005 6:19 AMPS This is not a cry for help. I genuinely do believe Mongooses to be a very major part of my life.
Posted by: Michael at December 29, 2005 6:22 AMYep yep, I know how you feel. Could be just hormones, could be life, could be toxic ama build up in the system, could be medical depression.
I chant Nam Myoho Renge Kyo. That helps.
Say I hope you are feeling better today.
Jet
Posted by: Jet at January 3, 2006 7:02 AMI feel the same way a lot. On some days I'll be bouncing off the walls, and on others I want to die. I dont know what pill you're on, but if it is bc like the others have said, you might want to consider going off it. There are alternatives to bc, such as natural family planning. It has the same percent effectiveness as bc, and it involves absolutely no chemicals. If its some other pill, don't go off it unless a doctor tells you its safe to stop.
Posted by: MagicalTrevor at January 11, 2006 4:26 PMI don't really know how you feel. What you describe sounds a lot like me, but I am a man in my late 50's. You are lucky, you have a boyfriend, you have friends, I do not. I don't want to kill myself I just want to cease existing. I'm on a machine at night to keep me breathing, I take a hand full of medications at night and another hand full in the morning. My glasses keep getting stronger as my eyes get weaker. There is nothing that can be done about the constant ringing in my ears (tinitus), I have a tear in one of my discs, and I'm morbidly overweight. Tell me what I have to live for. You have more to live for than me. Get help.
Posted by: Ralph at April 12, 2006 6:14 PMhi
I feel the same way you feel everyday and i'm not on pills. Perhaps you're stress or got alot of things on your mind like that boyfriend you talked about...forget him is my advice because alot of guys are like that.
good luck!
Posted by: lumi at April 28, 2006 9:51 PM