Anonyblog

What is Normal?

Sometimes I feel like an alien in my own body. Sometimes I find myself wondering what a normal person would do. My mother thinks i'm Jesus Christ and I hate to disappoint her. I used to seriously have voices in my head (seriously!) but then I discovered that by talking to myself (out loud?) I would drown those voices out... Now I don't hear them anymore, but I still talk to myself frequently. Mostly because there's not anyone else to talk to.

Some people would be sad at this realization. The thought that they have nobody in the world, nobody to want them, nobody to need them, nobody to care if they suddenly disappeared. I am rather used to it though. The only time it hurts is when someone appears to care. Then I get my hopes up that maybe this time, this person is the one I will settle down with and live a long and happy life with.

Turns out this person wasn't really interested in me, except as a curiousity. Or maybe this person DOES like me and I'm just too blind to see the truth. I gave up looking. Tired of squinting in the dark to see a glimmer of hope, only to find a reflection off of a shattered mirror of a lie.

I'm not suicidal. I am much too cowardly to die. Much too cowardly to live... destined instead to stay in purgatory, to wander until I am found. And as I re-read these words I've typed, I think to myself: OMG Leik, I am EMO!

I'm not anti-social, I just make no effort to be social. The few people who claim they are my friends would disappoint me too frequently otherwise. It's much too hard to be normal in this reguard. To be normal, I would expect means to hurt... and I am beyond such pain.

I live in a cheap apartment in a not-so-nice neighborhood. It's not the ghetto, but the inhabitants of the Ghetto find it a good place to go rob/steal from. Apartment Laundromat broken into twice, mailboxes broken into once.... Car in the parking lot broken into once (ironically, the guy who got stolen from knew who did it, when I explained to him I was a witness/scared them off from stealing more).

I often have dreams of the future, but in disjointed snippets lasting less than 5 minutes at a time... then I forget the dream (or have very vague memories of it) until it actually happens... my exact words after the fact are usually "It's Deja Vu all over again!" or something to that effect (or if not words, then my thoughts)... I knew i would get a new car before my old one broke down because of that.... it's odd... Will I see my own death?

So... how do you tell your mother you aren't Jesus Christ? Even worse... what if I am?

Posted by anonymous at December 13, 2005 11:49 PM