Anonyblog

My father feels the same way about my mother. The way he dealt with it is by talking to me and to my brother. Getting it off his chest helped him in a big way, and got my brother and I by his side. But nothing in the world will prevent him from leaving my mother as soon as his financial situation allows him. At least, that's what he tells me.

Hang in there, friend. Or get a divorce. Whichever you feel is the better way to go.

It is not quite so simple. I can not tell my children because they will tell her and then she will terrorize me more. To do this would be an act of war.

This is they way out of your hell--->because let's face it you're wimping out on her at every level.

You take your wife aside (when she next throws a wobbler) Look her in the eye and say firmly - and be careful here NOT to lose your temper - use a FIRM voice.
" I have had enough of your behavior - I´ve taken it long enough and no longer find it acceptable. THAT is the LAST time you belittle me in front of the kids-- got it?"

-So why would his work? -
1. It will shock her- she isn´t expecting this from a wimp (not that you are - it´s just that you haven't shown anything otherwise).

Unless you change today - life will repeat ad nauseum for you. Make a stand -- the way you see them! Do it as your right as the FATHER of your children --you are doing everyone a grave imjustice unless this happens.

The trick is to do this withour losing your temper. Be strong - make up your mind to take the lead. In many ways that´s what she wants.
(15+ years of psychiatry)

15+plus years of psychiatry? Still, although your answer may work, It might not be the right one. And I speak from the married experience. My relationship with my wife is very much the same as this gentlemans. Stating how you feel about your wife to her, in a calm rational manor is quite correct. But if your wife is not of a calm and rational mind this will not work, and as you said, will worsen the problem. I have no psychiatry experience, but, I think the only chance you have a being happy again is to stick to your guns when you are being treated unfairly and unjustly. And yes always remain calm no matter how infuriated or miserable you may feel. Also sit yourself down and make sure that what you have done(i.e. being foul, synical, hateful,etc.) in repercution to what has happened to you, does not continue to happen. You must also ask your wife, why is she always angry with you? Just listen and dont say a word while she speaks. Take it all in and then scrutanize your self against what she said. Fix the things that you know are true to be bad. Always show that you are making a concerted effort to make things right. More than likely this will deffinitly make things worse for awhile. Why? Because she will not take the time to sit down and look at herself and how her miserableness is being transmitted onto someone else. This is the hard part... Getting her to realize just exactly how she is acting. This is going to be hard because more than likely, she believes that everything that is awry is your doing and fault. Until she comes to the realization that she has to try to fix things that are wrong with her. It is going to be a difficult and arduous task trying to get to a place of peaceful content. It's always easier to find fault, wrong and place blame, with and on someone else, than it is to try and correct your own personal short commings. You must fix your own short commings and also try to help your wife understand and realize that she must do the same thing. Once this happens you can start to work things out together and maybe both of you will then find yourselves in a happier place with each other. And yes my wife uses the kids as a tool to create a stance against the bad man ( me ). These things that you have mentioned dicribe my situtation exactly. I am only a short amount of time ahead of you in how things are transpiring. My wife and I are, at this point, civil to one another. It's not a huge step forward but at least it helps to eleviate some of the misery I felt on a daily basis. Not to mention eased the tention that was always in the air when she and I were in the same room together. It makes it a little nicer for the kids also. Hope what I've said helps. Hang in there and know that it will take great time and patients. But, if staying with your wife and children is what matters most, the effort should be well worth it.

Thank you both for your comments. I do find it comforting that I am not alone. Standing up for myself is of course the most dignified thing to do, if I lived in an environment conducive to it. If I lived among men I would never for a minute put up with any of this--I wouldn't hesitate for a second. If there were no children involved I would not stand for it. But with the children between us things are qualitatively different.

I am looking for a long term solution to the problem. I will probably try a combination of both strategies: self-correction, nonemotional discussion at the point of humiliation, etc. Divorce is not an option. Violence is not an option. And I will reread these posts.

I have a very good relationship with my wife. Whenever she comes that crap with me, I just ignore it or laugh or make a face or just plain tell her to behave herself.

Be cool. Never *NEVER* let a woman upset you. Always be calm inside.

Above all, think of the children. You must provide them with a positive male, not to mention parental, role model. I am so very glad to see that violence is not an option; and as divorce is not an option, have you considered marriage counseling? You really need an objective third party to help sort it all out. Good luck.

Remember, you haven't studied the history of psychatry; I have. It's a pseudo-science.

Tom Cruise

I have considered counseling but this is as close as I have gotten. She would not go with me; implicitly it would be a sign of weakness. She would use it in the long run to run me into the ground. Going privately to a therapist--it's a possible option but mine is a small town. I know enough therapists to know that they talk too much with each other. I'm not comfortable with that.

I've read more of the above and now see the importance of my being a strong male role model for my boys. I continue to see her displays of her 'power' as being on a power trip. I think it is important to never truly be upset by her. Laughing it off and telling her to behave herself it good. Thank you all.

I have been working on this issue and see improvement. I make a conscious attempt every day to stand up for myself in front of my children and/or my wife and/or myself in private. I'm feeling more confident and respected but I know this is something earned every day that will grow over time.

Thank you for this web site and for all yo wonderful people who write for others. I shall help too as I can.

I am amazed that someone who claims to have 15 yars of experience in the mental health field would tell you to stand up so fiercly to someone like this in such a forthright manner. I don't know if you are still reading this blog but it looks like yoou are making smalls strides to gain control over your life. Because that is what it is. A control issue.

Women are more and more likely to be abusive to their husbands in this day and age. It is often as a response to either living in a house where they were repressed or watched their mother being abused. Or they are patterning themselves after an abusive mother. Either way they did not ocme from a stable home and don't know what one is supposed to look like.

Your wife needs help, but like you said, she is unlikely to recognize this. because as far as she is concerned it is your issue not hers. This is the case with all abusers. I am glad you have chosen not to involve your kids in your battle. They are kids. They shouldn't be forced to take sides.

However, if they are being impacted by her abuse of you, you should take them and leave. In 2006 a judge will grant the father custody if it can be proven that the mother is unstable.

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