Anonyblog

The New South

College is supposed to be the greatest four years of one's life.

Not this college.

I go to a regional university way out in BFE, working towards a bachelors degree in history. Goddamn. The only thing you can do with a BA in history is teach. I don't want to fucking teach. I don't like children. If I have a son or daughter of my own someday, I suppose I will like them. But other people's children? It's not so much that I don't like them; I just don't particularly like being around them. High school kids included. I don't want to fucking teach. I'm interested in history simply because it puts the present in perspective. I have a talent for it, have already accumulated some amount of knowledge, so hell, a bachelor's degree being as essential as it is, might as well get one in a subject I'm good at. But if the past makes so much sense to me, perhaps it is because I can make no sense out of the future. Particularly my own.

Many people think of history, whether it be American, European, East Asian, whatever, as a series of wars. After all, wars shape the political landscape, that is, war is the force necessary to rearrange where the lines on a map are drawn. And every history teacher I have ever had always begins class with a map. And if it is not maps, then it is dates. A long, dry series of dates. Dates of what? Invariably, dates of wars, coronations, foundings, elections, assassinations, you know, political history. It never fails. When one takes a history course, when one pursues a major in history, they are not studying "history" in its broad, overwhelming totality. That is impossible. All they are studying, all that is taught, is politics. In our culture, the historical narrative we use as a framework for understanding that which was and, ultimately, that which is, is invariably a political narrative. And that pisses me off.

It pisses me off because I find politics to be an infinitely shallow field. This person was in power and did this, and then there was a war, and someone else took over, undid everything, and redid it in their own way. There is no rhyme or reason to it. There is no pattern. Everybody wants to be in power. Everybody wants to have their say, because having a say in things means freedom. That is why we hold democracy in such esteem, not because it is an inalienable right, but because it invests its citizens with power, by which they are better able to exert their will. Blah blah blah.

What about a history of life? Of art? Music? Matter of fact, fuck history. What about life today? Today's art? Today's music? I want so badly to study art and music in an environment where it is not dictated to me what constitutes art and music. These are the things I truly love. They are the essence of my being. Therefore, it is nobody's place to define them for me.

What the fuck am I doing here? I should be in New York or something. I do not belong here. I hate it here. What the fuck am I doing here? There is an answer to this question.

I am here because I was born here. This is where my dumbass family has been for two hundred some-odd years. This is where I went to high school. I was never a part of my high school. I hated it. They weren't particularly bad people or anything. There was just no way for me to identify with them. So naturally I never gave a damn, made poor grades, was always in trouble, while in the meantime my cousin (whom I'll refer to as "happyass") was well loved by everybody, was voted Most Popular his senior year, while I was surely a contender for least popular. I never had sex when I was in high school. I never went on a date. I never even kissed a girl. I have no physical deformities, I am of a good bodyweight for my height (6'1" 180 lbs), but I can be socially awkward and off-putting. I don't try to be, but for some reason I just can't click socially.

I fell in love with the girl I lost my virginity to, and now I'm going to college where she's going to college. She's the only person who has shown interest in my quirkiness. I know many people have it worse then I do, but as it is with all of us, in our darkest hours it is hard to see it that way. I just want to find my niche. I get so tired of feeling like an outsider all the time.

Oh yeah, and I spent the night in jail Sunday because I was caught with 1.1 grams of pot, plus pariphernalia. I realize I broke the law and everything, but what a goddamned stupid law. I like to smoke pot. I work hard at school, and during breaks I am always employed. At night, when I'm done with my business, I smoke a bowl. And I see nothing wrong with that. Unfortunately, the law doesn't see it quite the same way. I want to leave this place so bad. But at least it's not as bad as jail. Jail sucks.

Posted by anonymous at January 24, 2006 10:41 PM