Anonyblog

i'm losing you, i've been losing you, and i'm afraid that this time it's for good. i've feared losing you, i never should have become so attached, and it's killing me inside. i refuse to cry when other people talk about you. i refuse to cry when i read what you've written again and again in a little notebook in my closet that i'm pretty sure i'll keep forever. i can't help but cry when i remember what everything was like. how we talked and what we talked about, how we understood each other so well. i used to think you were one of my best friends, even if i knew that could never happen under the circumstances. you would always have your best friends and i would always have mine. but there was always something about you. maybe it was the way you could talk to me, without criticizing me or being angry at me, just wanting to help and be here. now you're not. i don't have anybody to talk to about the important things. but there is nothing important anymore, i can't talk to you about losing you. that would sound so stupid. this will sound so stupid when i read it another day. but right now, it's the only way to stop the pain, if only a little bit, and to stop these tears from ruining me.

i still remember. it was december. i didn't know you. you just recognized me, you knew nothing about me, you knew nothing of my depression, because when i was there, i was happy. all you did was wave. and that wave made a difference. you were funny, talkative. you were in ninth grade. and that was pretty cool. so i found your xanga from ben's, and i IMed you, and we talked about the most random things in the world. talking about random things evolved into talking about serious things. some nights, it caused me to cry at my computer screen. some nights, it really did make me laugh out loud. you were my hero. i don't know anymore. i felt like i knew you so well within such a short amount of time. i started to hang out with your friends, but two obviously didn't like me, so i stopped. and then we grew apart, you went to another school that i could not attend. we lost what we had before, and we couldn't find anything to say to each other. i didn't know what to say to you.

one night, you talked to me about two boys. i listened, i understood. i tried to help. i don't know if i did. one night, i told you about cutting. you understood. you helped so much. i stopped cutting. i asked you how you did it. all of it. how you lived your life and helped me at the same time. i knew it wasnt easy. i asked you if you cried. you said you did. i was sad. i didn't want you to cry.

one day, your boyfriend IMed me. he told me to stop complaining to you about being depressed. he said you have enough to worry about and i dont need to fucking make it worse. i tried to stop talking to you. i couldn't. i never told you about your boyfriend. i never will.

after i met you, i told my best friend about you. i introduced you to her. we were all friends. my best friend and i walked to your house, or road bikes. it was easy on bikes, but on foot, it was farther than you'd think. we made the effort because we were friends, and we liked to talk to you, even if it wasn't usually for a long time.

i started biking to your house after school. i did it in the summer, too. by then, i knew where other people lived. you weren't the only one i visited that summer, but you were the one i visited most often.

about a week before school ended, your boyfriend broke up with you and broke your heart. i was there for you. we all were, everyone who loves you. you told me you couldn't eat anything. you told me you cried. you told me about your brother seeing you cry. i felt so badly for you. after three days, you still were barely eating. i was sick. i called someone and asked her to try and make a difference. you respected her. i knew that. and i respected you. i didn't want you to hurt yourself over your ex-boyfriend.

my best friend and i made a card for you. we walked to your house and gave it to you. it had all of the nicknames we'd ever called you. probably more. it was in different colored pencils. we wanted to make you feel better. we told you we'd always be here. i still am. my best friend probably is too. i don't know where you are. you obviously don't need us. i guess that's good, because that means life is okay. but i still miss it.

we did the play together. that was the first time you looked at my arm, and told me you loved me. i tried to tell you the same, but the words were stuck in my throat.

you were competing against others in your grade, trying to get the most toiletries. you might have lost. but my best friend and i didn't want you to lose. so we counted how many you and the other contestants had, and went out and bought toiletries. you brought in a zillion too, and so did your sister. we procrastinated. you won. we were happy watching you and your then boyfriend parade around the gym in UGLY capes. we were proud.

and now you're gone. all of that is missing. i didn't do the play because it wouldn't have been the same, and i wanted it to be the same. i took chorus because singing reminded me of you. i took art because you were good at ceramics, and i wasnt, so i did something artistic. i stayed after and talked to madame sometimes because you did. i ran for v.p. because you had been president. i lost, but i tried. i'm continuing with ap ss next year because you did. and i'm realizing most of this now.

i loved your sister, too. she was amazing. we dont talk now, either. but it hadnt been the same. since you're birthday, i've seen you twice. that was october 2005. it's january 2006. nothing is ever the same, because things change. i know that.

but i wish we could be the same. i wish we could always talk to each other. i wish it were like eighth grade again, when i wasnt shy of telling you what i thought about us. maybe we're both afraid to talk to each other again. maybe it's just me. maybe you realize what's happened. maybe you don't. but i do, and it hurts so bad. it hurts so bad...and most nights all i can do is cry myself to sleep like i used to before i met you. but now it's because of you. before it was because life sucked. now it's because life sucks and i can't talk to you about it, because i don't know how to.

i wish you could see that you're hurting me like nobody else has ever hurt me before, but i'm not going to tell you that. because i don't want to hurt you, either.

Posted by anonymous at January 25, 2006 7:31 PM