i like him. and him. alot. and i don't know what to do about it. i think of the differences between the two and i don't know why i like both of them - they're complete opposites.
i like him because he makes me feel wanted. even though at the end of the day, i'm not sure who exactly he does like. but i'm pretty sure it isn't me. he's someone who is nice to hug - not in a teddy bear sense though. we just... fit. and it's comforting to just lie on his shoulder, or to be enveloped in a hug. and trust me, when you come in my size, it's not easy being enveloped. hence the increasing comfort i feel in his arms. his torso is droolsome. just a touch of his hand on my shoulder alone exhilarates me, much less a hand around the waist. his sense of humour is quite well-groomed and i feel like jumping into his arms and nuzzling his neck whenever i see him - although this always only happens in my head, and never in real life.
and i like him because he makes me realise a better part of myself. he sees the ugly parts of me because i show myself that way, and he speaks to me kindly about it. and i think a figure like that in my life is comforting, someone who can be depended upon. someone once commented that he seems like he isn't comfortable in his own skin, that he seems to try acting cool. but he really isn't. he's a really sweet guy who's mature in the ways of life, despite the age. he has his opinions, which i may not like, but which i have to accept because his reasons hold ground and because i just have to. but all in all, i like him because he improves me, makes me want to be a better person from the core. i'm not perfect, but he makes me want to try to be when i'm around him. i'm not seeing it as changing myself for him. rather, i think it's more on self-improvement, for who better to judge you than yourself?
i know this seems crazy - liking two guys at once. but i can't seem to decide who i like better. one is a physical attraction, the other is an emotional attraction - both holding very different promises. or the lack of promises. see, the weird thing is, the first doesn't seem to like me back and seems perpetually fickle as to where we stand, and the second apparently likes someone else - not that i know who exactly it is. so what is the point of all this heartache?
at this juncture, i can't help but wonder:
why can i never find someone suitable enough who finds me suitable enough?
or rather, why doesn't anyone ever seem to find me suitable enough?
better question....do you find yourself suitable? don't look for outside sources to validate your worth. find it in yourself first and everything else falls into place. ;) the time to meet your suitable someone is not quite there, yet.
Posted by: at February 5, 2006 11:49 AM