Anonyblog

I see now that I misspelled a few words and made some grammatical errors. No need to point those out for me. Thanks anyway.

poster

I feel for you, man, I really do. My husband's daughter was raised until the age of ten by both parents in much the same way. When my husband and I got together, we fought for 4 years until we got custody because of the mother's filthy living conditions, but the damage was done. She actually DID begin torturing and killing small animals; in fact, when she was 17 and my grandson was 13 (he was living with us at the time) she actually tried to kill him. He was so terrorized by her that he never told me until more than a year after he went back to live with his mother. She told him, tell your grandmother and next time you really will be dead. She was stealing and opening my mail, including some of my credit card statements, by the time she ran away at 18.

I wish I could offer you some advice other than that she should be taken not to a psychologist, but to a psychiatrist, who can make an actual diagnosis and treat it medically. Of course, your girlfriend has to do it; since you're not her parent, you can't. I begged my husband to seek psychiatric help for his daughter, but he wouldn't do it. He didn't want her "putting chemicals into her body" by taking psychiatric drugs. He finally did make her an appointment with a psycholgist, even though I told him that was the wrong way to go, and the psychologist agreed with me---she needed a psychiatrist. He never did make an appointment with a psychiatrist before she ran away to live with her mother again, where she continued to torture and kill small animals, as well as stealing thing from people and selling them to friends.

I see everything you describe in your gf's daughter that I saw in my stepdaughter---the lying, the manipulation, the tantrums, the abuse, the "I don't know". Your gf needs to find a good child psychiatrist, and soon. I really hope she does, because this problem can and will put major stress on your relationship, if it doesn't end it entirely. Good luck. You are not alone.

I have not had experience with someone how sounds as horrid as this little girl, but my heart goes out to you nonetheless. I wish I could say 'stay strong' or 'be diligent' but I cannot imagine having to deal with someone who has so little disregard for anyone else. Thoughts and prayers are all I can offer.

My g/f talked to the grandparents this morning about the situation. Surprisingly they agreed with her on many of the key points. That's a change because prior to this they made excuses for everything she did wrong. Of course they take no responsibility for her behavior/ personality.

It seems that this same behavior which was considered "cute" when she was younger is now becoming a problem for them also. They have also come to realize that she just uses them to get toys, games and fast food. When they aren't shelling out cash for her entertainment she is not so pleasant. Well even when they were spending every penny they had on her she was still unpleasant.

We will be talking to her psychologist for a referral to a psychiatrist next week. Thanks for the advice.

Bright blessings upon you. I hope you'll update us later. One thing I forgot to mention about my stepdaughter was that she began cutting herself to get attention. I really do see her in your g/f's daughter, and I'm so glad that you are taking steps to save her.

Behaviourists in conjunction wtih a psychiatrist can help. She's still young, it's not too late to prevent her going off the rails. You'll probably have to play her at her own game whilst showing her unconditional love.
Not that her mother doesn't love and care for her, but she probably feels like she was abandoned when she was small, living with her grandparents, and now that she's able to live with her mum, feels like a commodity. She's testing boundaries like all children, but to an extreme. She doesn't want to view you both as more than providers of material things in case she gets hurt or abandoned. She's looking out for herself.

Absolutely. I suggested the psychiatrist because with an accurate diagnosis of the child's specific problem, you will be referred to a therapist/counselor who will then know how to proceed with the child, and the psychiatrist and counselor will work together.

I'm not so sure she has any abandonment issues...just as was done with my stepdaughter, she's been made the center of attention, and the only rules are her rules. Since everything has always been her way, she expects that to continue, and will resort to anything that works to keep it that way, including defiance, manipulation and bullying. I saw the same thing happen with my stepdaughter; my husband turned a blind eye to it until it was too late.

Her mother never abandoned her (Lilly). She also lived with the grandparents. The problem was that she had little control while living with them. Whenever she attempted to discipline Lilly, her grandma would step in and protect her. She was not allowed to do things that would upset Lilly. It was a crazy situation because my g/f had very little freedom, yet her daughter had no rules.

Lilly has always been shown unconditional love. I think part of the problem is that before I came along she had no one in her life who would put a stop to this behavior. At first my g/f's parents didn't like that I gave Lilly "rules". In fact they said it was too "military like" and that the word "rules" was too harsh. I had to explain to them that schools, churches, playgrounds and anywhere you take a child has rules.

I don't think Lilly feels un-loved. It's beyond my ability to determine what the issue really is. She will hug kids she meets at the park(whather they want to or not), her grandparents, and her counselor. But she shows almost no affection toward her mother unless she wants something.

Thanks for the input. I'll keep you informed.

Please do keep us informed. I'm really interested to see the kind of person my stepdaughter could have become.

My sister (10 yrs old) is a bit like that. Not that bad, I'm sure, but still a little madam.

Kill the bitch before it is too late.

It sounds very much like she has a reactive attachment disorder - that sort of issue needs to be treated by someone who specializes in RAD. 98% of therapists have little to no experiences treating these kids - the normal course of therapy is woefully ineffective. Do a google search on "reactive attachment disorder" - don't be mislead by the references to adoptees. It is most common in adoptees but not limited to them. I think you'll find a lot of similarities between her behavior and RAD kids.
Good luck to you all.

Strict discipline. Be mean. Before she becomes a teenager. Get a nanny. Get a supernanny. Get some iron bars and big locks. But make her learn sympathy. Understanding. Get her to church. Do all the things you'd do with a normal kid. MAke them go to bed. Bolt the door. Iron bar the windows.

There's an insightful and valuable presentation.
unfortunately, this comment tool isn't allowing me to link to tripod dot com.

But it's the first thing you get when you google reactive attachment disorder.

one of the links:

The Attachment Disorder Support Group
A "Must See" site for RAD parents - Tons of resources, links, and a vital board to post upon.
www.syix.com/adsg

and their link page:
Go to
slide23.html for good links

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