Anonyblog

So, would it help at all to know that what you're going through is pretty normal? Do you honestly think that out of all the people you see around you, you're the only one who could possibly feel that way? I was a teenager once. I thought about suicide. I hated myself. I was self-centered, selfish, a liar. You got me on the being a woman part, but I sure wanted women who'd have no part of me.

At the end of the day though, the world that you're seeing through your eyes would look very different if you just changed one thing: your attitude towards yourself.

You sound like a lonely person. And lonely people all think like you do. But there's one thing lonely people never seem to figure out, so I hope you would at least consider what I have to say before rejecting it outright.

I think you should start doing nice things for yourself. Bored with school? Want some good brainfood? Fine, dig up an old assignment a teacher gave you and rewrite it to sound more interesting to you, then do that one instead. You don't even have to show anyone your work. Take pride in the fact that you accomplished something no one thought you could ever do.

If you're so smart, then you need to tell someone. Keep your eyes open for a teacher or grownup friend who's also smart, and maybe even interesting. Ask that person to keep a confidence, and explain that you don't feel challenged by schoolwork. Then darer yourself to tell them what you want to learn more about. If they're so smart, they'll help you learn more about that in addition to your regular coursework.

I can tell by your writing that you're very good. Apply yourself to your interests, and you will go very far. Try new things, and if you hate it, fine. You're not committed. I don't know who you are, or where you are, but if you start and finish extra projects of your own choosing for awhile, and you come to me asking for a job and showing me that work, I'd hire you in an instant. Because you proved to me that you can get stuff done.

If you do this, and stick with it, then I bet someday you're going to wake up some day feeling pretty good about yourself. Once that happens, the other women are going to find you irresistible.

I can see you in my mind's eye. You have on some ratty old Vans, baggy cargo pants or shorts, a Home Depot lumberyard t-shirt, and a NY Yankees ball cap. If you are wondering why you are feeling the way that you do you should take a good look at yourself. Who are you? You are a want to be Lesbian. Either accept the fact that you are a young woman or come on out and join the gay party. The problem is that you are not gay you are just confused. You think that it looks cool to be a lesbian but you cannot commit. It is all right to be a tough girl you, do not have to be all-frail and pussyfied. Other butch females are not attracted to you because you are a want to be. There are plenty of guys out there who like tough girls. You would probably have more luck with males. Try to make friends with one or two. Let them know how you feel. Go out and do not let them pay for stuff, you know, be one of the guys. A girl can do that. Be a girl. You are a female and it is perfectly normal for you to not like other females. Not everyone is the same and so what if you do not fit in with the girly girls. I am a male and I have known females like you. I bet you are a pretty cool chick. Just be yourself.

I know it doesn't seem like it, but you really AREN'T the only one. When I was a teenager I was just as miserable (maybe more). I used to cut myself all the time, to feel physical pain instead of emotional. It made me feel like I had control over my own pain. Then eventually, in the later years, I got into drinking and drugs and ended up a heroin addict. I only had one female friend and she was murdered by a serial killer. I despised myself for being so preoccupied with my own feelings. I kept a diary but hated everything I wrote. I was always the smartest kid and never had to work to get good grades. From the time that I started school other kids automatically hated me. I fell into that victim role and stayed there until high school. I believed I was ugly. Finally I figured out that when you care what people think they despise you, but as soon as you don't give a crap they'll want to be around you. If you see yourself as ugly, that's how other people see you, and vice versa. The popular girls aren't better looking, they just think they are. But by the time I realized all that, I wouldn't have anything to do with my clasmates, they'd tortured me too much in the past.

I never got along with other women, and still don't. They seem like a different species, and they seem to sense that I'm not one of them.

But here's the good news: you get older. I'm 25 now and while my past still bothers me, I'm happy with my life now. People want to be around me, they see me as beautiful, intelligent, and charming. I have a good career, an apartment I love, etc. But no female friends, thank god! The worst thing about being a teenager is having no control over your life. You have to live off your parent(s), go to school, conform to your classmates'/society's standards. You have no real independance, the kind that comes as an adult.

I don't have any specific tasks to help you get through it now, because I didn't have any then. But hopefully knowing you're not alone and that it gets better is some solace. One thing that helped me through it was finding older friends. I've never gotten along with anyone my own age. So get out of your room, and find a subculture that appeals to you. Whether it's punk rock, indie, art, hip-hop, whatever - even just a coffee house you like! Go where people are, and you're bound to find a path that appeals to you.

Hope I've been some help. Or at least made you realize others have gone through the same, and then some!

Take care.

Oh, yeah, I want to be a lesbian. Why the hell would I want that, remind me? I'm not a woman, so I don't know why I would want to be a lesbian, first of all, secondly, why would I want to be discriminated against?

I don't want to be a 'tough girl,' did you read my post? I wear normal t-shirts, thank you, some decently-fitting jeans, some Doc Martens, and I hate sports. I am not female.

Thanks to the first commentor, and the third. Really, just seeing people read about what I'm feeling right now was really helpful. Thanks a lot.

first commentor here. Glad I could help. I think you'd have to cut the second poster some slack though, even I thought what you meant when you wrote: "I feel trapped in the wrong body. I hate this shell I am trapped in, this woman's body" was that you were a closet lesbian - but i didn't think that was the point of your post, and tried to take that into account when crafting my response.

keep fighting the good fight. hopefully you can come back here for an update when things turn around for you.

Second commenter here: Sorry dude, you must be emo. Please forgive me. It was not the trapped in the wrong body thing that threw me off. It was the curved waist and breasts. I want to take back most of my first comment. I will say that you are confused and most likely gay. My advice would be to get some exercise, lift some weights. Pump yourself up, get some testosterone flowing, that is unless you like that shell of a wrong body that you live in. If you choose to be hetro, (which we all know is a choice) and you get into shape females will like you. In addition, maybe that one special girl will notice you. Good luck dude and once again, sorry.

Hey, 3rd commenter again - i guess we're all checking in. Anyway, I'm glad to hear that you're feeling better, it does help to know there's other people out there paying attention.

But I was thinking about what your post when I was driving home today: the part about having it better than everyone else, and hating yourself for being miserable anyway. I used to feel that way too; I knew alot of people who would try to outdo everyone with their horror stories. People that had been abused, raped, poverty, you name it. And not to lessen their pain in any way, but there's NO WAY to compare people's experiences. People are affected in different ways, and what bothers one won't bother another. Your pain is just as valid as someone that's going thru something more obviously hard. Try not to be so hard on yourself (easier said than done, I know).

With time, it's only bound to get better. That's how life works. And it'll probably get shitty again too, it's just one of those things. But I honestly know that you're a better person for it in the end, i know i am. And I'm really grateful that I didn't kill myself all those years that I contemplated it. Or someone else, as I used to fantasize about. I have a theory that teenagers have something is chemically wrong with them, that makes them crazy. At least I know I was. I had no idea of the value of life (my own or others), I was so wrapped up in myself I couldn't see that everyone is hurting -- some of us just hide it better. If anything, this site shows that pretty clearly.

Anyway, let us know how it goes.

Take care.

Thanks for all the comments...

I've found something that's helpful- writing about myself as though I were a fictional character and posting it. It's sort of neat.

No, I'm not gay. In the grey zone I stand in genderwise, it's kind of hard to catorgorize myself. I'm also not really an emo kid...although I do have a fine collection of ill-fitting, threadbare clothing. (:

I'm glad I haven't offed myself, too. There's so much I haven't done, and even though it's how I'll probably die in the end, I just want to see what happens from here.

Maybe it even gets better.

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