I'm too afraid. I've always been too afraid. Girls who are small of stature and young are supposed to be afraid--at least that's what they teach us.
They've taught me fear, though they never should have taught me fear. What do I fear now? What do I fear now? I fear EVERYTHING from the frightening to the ridiculous.
I'm just a little girl. Just a little girl. I need to be protected from everything. I need to be protected from being alone by generating charms that attract other girls--like interest and sympathy. I need to be protected from being disparaged and ridiculed by the other people around by attaching a mate who is good-looking and well-liked. I need to be protected from the only person who would really care enough to hate me--myself--by sidestepping the real issues, and beating around the bush, making excuses, and trying to sound pretty, when I write my numerous blogs and journal entries.
I am able to hope that not all for which I have striven is false--
but I know there's a part of me that doesn't care about what's safe. That wants to face being alone--when it is, indeed, time to be alone. That wants to love, and screw whether he's pretty or well-liked. That wants to know myself and embrace myself.
But I'm afraid I'd commit suicide if I really knew me--so I have to hide.
Posted by anonymous at July 17, 2006 3:01 PMTalk to people and try to get some help. It can get better, and remember that many people have felt like this and have gotten better. Talk to someone close or a professional.
Posted by: at July 27, 2006 9:26 AM