Anonyblog

now

I have it all planned out. I've quit my work, stockpiled bulk aspirins and paracetamol, have a pack of dramamine.
I have a secluded place in the middle of nowhere, hidden behind some shrubbery. I made a device out of tin and hose to fit snugly over the exhust pipe of my car and effectively force co2 fumes into the cab of the car. For my my truest friend, overseas for another few months, I left my guitar and favourite vintage leather jacket in the room of her parent's house. It's her's when she returns. For my love.. I have nothing. She is gone, and there is nothing to ever bring her back. My books of poetry have been burned on a fire in my yard -5 years of songs and writing, all gone.
For my bandmate, my collection of records. A few thousand dollars in a sealed envelope for my little brother.
An apology for my parents. I'm about to sit in the backseat of my car, take my pills, drink a few bottles and breath deeply until i never wake up. I shouldn't be discovered until I'm realised missing, not for a few days.
My family has no way to contact my friends or Her.. She's getting a letter telling her I've already left for France, I don't want her to think that she was the catalyst for a death -this was a long time coming. She just helped me realise that now is the right time. I'd rather her think I'm living in a foreign country. *sigh* I miss her so much.

I'm so tired of life. Tired of living in this place. Tired of being prodded by doctors and being made to swallow pills and tired of nightmares. I'm tired of not being with Her. Cliche and petty, but I can't live without her.

I just want to listen to the Mountain Goats Discography and go to sleep. I never believed in a god and heaven, but even if it ended up to be true, I'd eventualy end up in hell anyway. I'm not sure why I'm writing this, perhaps it's just a commitment to ink.

I apologise for the life I've led and the peoples I've let down.
I don't apologise for this final action.
to her, I'm sorry. I loved you.
But maybe, just maybe, we will meet in the next life when we are both cats.