Anonyblog

I HATE YOU

I hate you so much. GOD I hate you so much. Why don't you ever listen to me??? I told you to stop calling me at 2, 3, and any other very early hour of the morning. So why do you get pissed off when I OBVIOUSLY don't want to talk at those times? And you don't even want to talk to me, you just want to tell me either you love me or you hate me. I understand, but I'm pretty sure this could all wait until a more appropriate time. I for one have a job that requires my attendance.

I told you to get your shit together, that I can't do everything for you all the time. I don't mind, but it just wasn't gonna work for too long like that. You said to just stop, you'd be fine. But look. I stoppped now, and where are you? You're lost. Maybe that's my fault. But were you EVER going to go anywhere on your own?

Maybe if you would have opened your eyes on your OWN, you would've been able to see what you had before it was too late. No. You were too damned scared, and that's the truth. That is nobody's fault, and I should have understood. But then what the hell did you want from me if you didn't want it to eventually lead to a close relationship? The truth is that was what you wanted. But you were so scared you were going to get screwed over again that you refused to believe in the relationship. Every single tiny, minute little obstacle we met, you were right there with your bags packed, ready to go. I felt like an idiot. We squabble over something stupid, as everyone does, and you're here ready to give up. It was like you were trying to have as few ties into that relationship as possible.

I'M FUCKING TIRED OF MY THROAT FEELING LIKE IT'S CLOSING. I'M TIRED OF NOT SLEEPING WELL. I'M TIRED OF THE ANXIETY. I am so stressed out I really am considering medicating. I can't function under extended periods of extreme stress. I'm tired of hearing you call me names and say "what the fuck did I do to you?" You didn't do anything. So what if you were going to give me everything. I didn't want everything. I don't even care about having money, I never have. What I wanted was to be able to have a relationship with you, and only you. Not you and the rest of your fucking family. Then I feel like I'm your sister. Remember when I wouldn't sleep with you? That was because it felt weird. I spent so much time with you and your family, I felt more like a friend than someone you should be sleeping with. You don't sleep with your sister.

And you're wrong about your sister. No, we are not together anymore, and yes she is still your sister and still there for you. But she can NEVER be the kind of friend to you that I was. Admit it, you know I have been the best friend you have ever had. Sure, she can be your best friend, and you guys can have a lot of fun. But there's just some things you can't talk to her about. And all sexual references aside, there's just some things she can't do for you, and if she does, that's gross. That makes you guys very, very weird. So whatever. I don't even care.

I know I hurt you. But whatever. Just stop calling me. Just go fuckin play with your sister, that's all you ever wanted to do, right? Just wanted to spend time with your sister. After everything I did for you. You said I was number 1. You knew I was number one. And somehow, in some twisted way, I really was not number 1. You said I was lucky to even be considered equally important. No, that's wrong. If you are in a serious romantic relationship, talking about getting married, you are saying "I love you more than anything in the world." You saying I was only (barely) equal was you telling me that you were not serious. Maybe you were, but your serious is very twisted. It's not fair to treat me like that. That's why.

I don't want to deal with this anymore. I'm fucking moving, okay? I didn't get into the school I wanted. So fuck it, there's no point. I don't even WANT to have to grow up and be somebody. I hate feeling like I have to comply to these rules and "contribute to society." I have the chance to do what I really want to do, and I'm taking it. In all actuality, it's nothing personal. I just know what I want.

You break my heart. I really did want to stay. But it will never work. You never believed in it. That makes it not worth it. As much as it hurts, it will be better to just forget it. It hurts a lot, but you'll be fine as long as you don't do anything stupid. Just do something for yourself already. Stop worrying about everyone else. That's the only way you can get anything done. Good luck.

Posted by anonymous at February 17, 2007 7:47 AM