Anonyblog

It's time for me.

For many years now, I've not done things for myself. I've been helping others. I think I'm a codependent enabler. I am an abuse survivor. I'm a 38 year old woman.

To make a long childhood story short, I was raped at eleven years old by my mother's third husband. The husband before that one beat me, but never touched me sexually. Third husband continued to rape, and beat me for the next two years, until my mother decided to leave him. She didn't leave him because he was hurting me; she didn't believe me when I told her that he was doing those things to me. She left him so that she could marry another man, and have his children. Her fourth husband intensely verbally abused me, as well as my mother. It was so bad I had to run away from home at age 14. I lived on the streets for a couple of years, until I met a man who became my boyfriend. I moved in with him.

Basically, every single man I've lived with/had a relationship with has abused me either verbally or physically, in the last 20 years. My last live-in boyfriend not only beat me multiple times, but screamed at me (sometimes directly into my ears.) He'd grab my car keys when I'd try to leave the apartment. He threatened that if I left him, he would come after me. I finally managed to escape him, but it took several years for him to finally leave me alone. I tried to get a restraining order against him, but the courts turned me down, as I never reported the abuse to the police, out of fear of him. I even went to a women's center, only to be told that there was nothing they could do to help me. I cannot even begin to explain the horror I've been through right now. I suppose that emotional torture might come close. I think... I know some of you might be wondering why I didn't get out sooner. I honestly don't know. I felt as if my life were not in my own hands. I suppose they call this battered woman syndrome? He controlled me, no doubt about it.

Now, I have some emotional/psychological problems. I have mild PTSD, agoraphobia, and low physical energy. The most recent abuse happened 3 years ago, yet the feelings linger. I've tried to go to a psychotherapist, but the guy actually made a pass at me! It was disgusting. I went there to get help, and he did that.

I cannot turn to my family. My mother has borderline personality disorder, and my stepfather is emotionally abusive towards me. Every time I tell them I need someone to talk with, they tell me to "just get over it." Since I got out of my ex's place, my stepfather has verbally abused me about five times.

I'll get to the point of this post. I'm having trouble learning how to do things for myself. For years, I've put everyone else first. I feel guilty when I buy something for myself, even though I spend more money on friends, (including my recent boyfriend,) in one month, than I've spent on myself in years; and I don't feel guilty about that. My mother buys lots of things for herself, and then flaunts them in front of me. She says things such as "you need to get a man to buy you nice things like these." Or, I get the ever popular, "why couldn't you be a doctor, or a lawyer? You'd have so many nice things now if you did. You can always go back to school." My mother is a completely materialistic, gold digging bitch, in plain english. She really is. She loves to grind me down into the ground emotionally, and then kick dirt into my face. She sometimes tries to give me her cast off clothing, while lecturing me on how my life stinks because I don't have a rich husband. I'm just going to say it, she was never there for me as a little girl, and she's a fucking selfish cunt. God, that felt so good. I'm starting to think that perhaps I don't buy anything for myself, or feel bad about doing things for myself, because I don't want to be even remotely like her.

I pray God that I can get past all of this shit, and just get on with my life in peace, and sanity.
I feel like a human car wreck.