Anonyblog

yuck.

too much personal reflection is a bad thing. it helps me figure things out, but it usually depresses the shit out of me. for example, today i realized that i'm really not a strong person at all. i'm terrified of people not accepting me for who i am. they don't as it is. fuck, i hate having a secret. i hate it. i wish i could be able to say what's on my mind, but i can't. people hate me enough as it is. i can't risk anything else. and it's really crappy. i want to talk to people. i know i have people who won't care. and that's what i want. i don't want anybody to give a shit. i just want to be honest with people. but i don't want people to be even more shitty to me. and i know it would happen. and i can't risk it. i want to, but i can't. i'm not that brave, i'm not that strong, i'm not that sure of myself. i feel like there's a huge weight sitting on top of my chest and i feel like i'm constantly on the verge of breaking down, having an attack, and it doesn't happen. not when i need it to. and that's because this burden won't go away with a chick flick and some popcorn. and i really don't have anyone i'm all that comfortable talking to. in health the other day we had to list 3 people we could really talk to for personal issues and i actually had to make it up. and that's because i wouldn't get credit if i didn't make it up. how fair is that? i really need a clarence. i'm still convinced that if i wasn't born the world would be a better place. i don't want to believe that, but i don't feel like i have accomplished much, and what i have accomplished came out of people hating me. it's not fair. i don't want to be a bitch. i try every day not to be. and i miserably fail. maybe if i'm honest with myself i'll feel better. but now it feels like a better idea to play it safe. i wish i had someone to really talk to. or even an example to follow. but i don't and it sucks. i don't even know what to think anymore.