It all started so well, if not frantically. We met online, chatted for a couple of months, and invariably met face-to-face. In the months leading up to our first encounter, she'd attended school across the country, on the eastern seaboard. I was in Oregon, her home state. Doubly worse, she was in a relationship that, as soon as we met, turned completely south. This was how we came to be: at the shattering of her three-year live-in relationship to an accountant. Some might say I stole her; I, however, resign this notion to the fact that he'd recently cheated on her. Ah, the ties that bind.
When she'd left Oregon that summer on her way back to finish up her degree, after our two-week sex-capade and subsequent outings to all manner of natural locals, I was distraught, hungry for food I dare not consume for fear of implosion--could it be that I was letting my 'true love' fade away?
Within two weeks of her departure, I hopped a bus to see her. The journey took two days. It was rather fantastical, leaving on a proverbial jet plane from my home, from my own schooling, to see the woman I'd so recently found myself smitten over. I met all manner of strange and revealing people, some of whom I still chat with to this day. But through those late-night Greyhound conversations, I never forgot my goal: to see her again.
When I arrived, she greeted me with a short skirt, no panties, and a car ride across town that went every-which-way of carnivorous. She's always been great for that. Sex. We lived together for nearly a month while she worked and attended classes, with me cleaning and writing in my alone time, all until one night when we decided to run away to Las Vegas. To get hitched.
Enter a three-thousand-mile diagonal stint across the U.S.A.
Six months later, I can't believe how immature I'd been. At 25, I should've thought that whole affair through a bit more. It's not as if I haven't been prone to jumping into relationships. My list of qualms grows weekly--everything, from the lack of thought she puts into her daily existence, to her grossly low volume of ambition, it torments me daily. That we don't get along is another story. Always, we're arguing over such trite and sordid things. How to live. How to think. How to love. How to sleep and eat and shit and drink. We're always, suffice it to say, butting heads.
I find myself wanting to escape into the Peace Corps., to just up and leave in the dead of night, never to be heard from again. In my daydreams, I plan my escape to graduate school, to locations I'm sure she'll never want to go. Ultimately, I don't know what to do, don't know what to physically enact, even if I know what I should do for my heart and hers. Alas, it's always easier said than done. We're both young, so if I end it now, it'll all evolve into some useful recollection in a matter of time. We'll have learned from this error in judgment. Surely. I know this. It's an irrevocable fact of life that all things go, that all things change.
But until I'd met her, never had I realized my tendency toward underestimating the devilishness of the face behind the face. When we met, she had so much depth. Or so I thought. We'd literally stay up through all hours of the night, talking and revealing, sharing, making plans for a future that probably will never happen. Now, I'm not sure if it's that we've discussed everything utterly into the ground, or if my libido caused a Neanderthalistic blind spot to grow thick and black on my normal penchant for paying attention to rather idiotic decisions. Whatever happened, I want more from life than she does; we've realized this collectively. She deserves someone who can operate and enjoy life at her level, and I mine. Should I stick it out, for best or for worse, and hope that she grows up, finds a hobby, or at least grows a bit more mature?
I'll tell you what, though: I'm putting off dating for a while if we separate. A dog and a fern are looking oh-so-fulfilling at the moment.
Posted by anonymous at February 3, 2008 9:39 PMIf you care for each other enough to allow the other person to be happy, then it may be best to part ways? If either of you are not fulfilled by another, it ultimately will get worse and will open doors to unknown situations.
You dream of escaping and moving on, how can you give the relationship a chance? If you are willing to take a chance, then do it now, find out now before years are taken from the both of you, those years could be a new beginning of life and happiness for you both.
Ask yourself,
What could she give you? Is she willing and more importantly, able?
What could you give her? Are you willing and able?
Would those efforts/changes be a permanent or temporary change?
lastly...would it then fulfill your desires..and hers?
I think you already know the answers.
Best of luck and wishes
Posted by: at February 27, 2008 11:29 AM