I'm up, it's 4:15am, blah and blech. Nothings really changed, just that I guess I've accepted, at some juncture, in my mind at least, the way things are. I still 'see/experience' the blade attacks. I'm still tired beyond words. My body craves rest. But it's 'normal' now. What's with that? It isn't normal. Not even close. My wife and my children sleep like babies. I envy them. I've got tinnitis and maybe thats a contributing factor. Exposure to noise over a lifetime of work.
How do I over-ride my need for complete and utter rest when I have so many other things in my life that need my attention and discipline and the motivation to attend to that, which shouldn't be put off. It's hard. And it's my problem. When I was in the army, I was told on a regular basis that I could rest when I was dead. lol I was 19, young strong, could go for days without sleep and, and like my 'brothers' I had no problem spitting in deaths eye. Now I'm 53 and I'm bagged. The physical over-riding the mental. Poor old bastard. lol
I've got to somehow get a grip. As far as the medical profession goes, psychologists, psychiatrists, psychoanalysts etc, I have no faith in them. Like my registered retirement savings plan managers. Even if they fuck up with my money,or with my brain, they still get their fees. They're the experts but they really have no desire to help me exclusively. Shit, I'm one of what 5.5 billion people on the planet. Who gives a fuck about me. Really? Me, I do. But I don't know everything. And I want to. I really do. God knows I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed but I gotta get my shit together. One of the becauses is that it's time. I may live another 30 or even 40 yrs. Why not do it qualitatively? Damn it's cold outside, -45 with the wind chill. Anyhoo, lots to think about and consider. It helps coming here, to this site. Whoever set this up, thanks.
You may not have your shit together, but you got your head on straight, and that's all that matters, really.
Posted by: Qwerty at February 16, 2008 8:04 PM