I'm a nut case. I inherited it. I used to see my dad sitting by his self at times. Just sitting. I wondered if it was because of the war. He wouldn't talk about it though. And my uncle, his brother. Years ago we'd go visit. Bathroom breaks in the wee hours and I'd see him sitting at the kitchen table in the dark. Just sitting. I didn't think about it much. I should have. It's depression. I know it is. It's so disconcerting. I'm afraid. Of everything. I need for there to be a voice deep inside that will tell me that everything is ok. As it really is. But I can't make my mind believe it. I teeter on the edge of a complete mental breakdown every day. I walk the very edge of the cliff separating this reality from one of hell. Waiting for that small gust of a happening in my life that will send me over the edge. Into an oblivion of madness and inconsolability. I'm a sociophobe. Unbelieveably uneasy around groups of people. Especially in social settings. A loner that wants to be a social animal. I'm self aware enough but unable to change what I am. I need therapy but can't sound out a cry for help. It drives me to distraction. I'm healthy, relatively intelligent and mentally unstable. Fuck. My greatest fear is to die as an insane person. But I may well do just that. I'm going to take a sleeping pill tonight. Maybe it will work. I hope it does.
Posted by anonymous at February 10, 2008 9:24 PMif you believe you "may well just" end up as an insane person - with an attitude like that you certainly will. Most of us are mentally unstable, and those that aren't are truly happy, though they are so robotically fixated on not being aware of anything in their lives, that they cannot even enjoy the fact that they are happy. They exist to give people like you an dme a comparison. And that's great for them.. sometimes i envy it. having the ability to live a care-free life, happy and without concern, but then I think about myself. Completely conscious, aware of everything, and I dwell on the worst 1% of my life when so much else is great. But if I was care-free, I would have no sense of the present, and I would have no appreciation for life when times are good. .. when it comes down to it, i wouldn't live any other way. Yeah I'm mentally deranged, I get the craziest of thoughts.. but I enjoy it, because it is these thoughts that make me an individual. My suggestion to you, learn to meditate-after a year or two you may be alright-and write a book.
Posted by: Qwerty at February 16, 2008 7:59 PM