Anonyblog

Help.. One Heart, Two Men

I love my husband, a love that comes from the heart, memories, sacrafices that we have endured together. However I’m not sure that I am in love with him the way I should be and I am not sure if I can be with all that has hurt in the past?

I am 33 years old, I met my husband 9 years ago. We became great friends and then one day he said that I am all that he thinks about and I thought about him all the time. We decided to give it a chance, we moved in together, purchased a house a few months later together.

We struggled financially, I was in school full time, bartending parttime. He became frustrated with our home (it was a beginner home, nothing special but had 4 walls and a roof) and our financial difficulties. I took a break from school so I could work full time and continued to bartend at night. He wasn’t supportive of school at all and said I need to make more money. We fought all the time, he said he wasn’t happy and said he wanted to leave. I moved out. It lasted for a week or two before asking me to come home, which I did, it killed me to be without him.

Things got worse. He was mean, verbally and emotionally. He was never abusive physically but the pain was unbearable. I couldn’t do anything right, I couldn’t make enough money (which I was making more than him most of the time).

Anyway..4 years into our relationship I was wondering if we were ever going to get married? I tried to bring it up, he either didn’t want to talk about it, or say we don’t need a piece of paper to tell people how we feel about each other and one time he said we should get married so he could put me on his insurance or I on his, I was hurt and said as if for no other reason that health insurance? He said, you know I love you. I am not and will not be the type of person to give ultimatums however one night I was upset, he asked me what was wrong and I told him that I was scared, I was scared that it wasn’t going to work between us. I want to be married, I want children, I want to travel, I want and desire different things in life. Children had been a sore subject for us, he had 2 wonderful children, whom didn’t live with us but spent a lot of time with us and I was/am very close to. They are twins, and they are now 19. I said that no matter how much I love you, I believe in the future, my desire to have children will tear us apart, I would eventually and unwillingly resent you and look back with regret if I never have them. He said I would be a great mom, apologized that he was firm on this and said that I should move forward. .. That hurt so bad and it took a lot for me to talk to him because I knew I had to be ready to leave when I did. I put it off way too long. I was going to leave, I was hurting and dying inside but I was going to leave. I feared that I would never find anyone that I would even want to have children with and I am loosing the man I love for nothing. He came to me the next day or the day after as I was still making plans on moving, saying that he loves me too much to let me go and if that if children is what makes me happy, it would make him happy and he will love it but just too much right now and asked if we can wait. I said yes.

… well, I am still waiting..but I will come back to that.

A year or so later, I found out I was pregnant. It was by mistake. I was nervous to tell him but deep down I was excited and scared at the same time. When I told him, he hugged me but later in our conversation said that.. Now is not a good time. He said that he wouldn’t put us on the street but it woudn’t work. I felt the world crushing down around me he was asking me to make a decision between the two. Eventually he said, well let’s just make sure before we go any further. I went to the doctor, I was very pregnant, I was 13 weeks pregnant (without discussing it detail, medically, this is not abnormal for me as it can be 3-6 months between my cycles). The doctor and nurses were congratulating us, I was crying uncontrollably, they were confused and he said, I appologize but the reason why this is so hard for her is because we are not having it….? I couldn’t believe that he said that and then I knew it was true. I had to decide. I tried to talk to him about keeping the baby about adoption, but he said it would be too hard either way. He wouldn’t touch me, felt like he hated me, was mean to me, was short and I had asked him several times to just touch my belly, he wouldn’t.

I am ashamed to say that I went through with it. I was beyond scared. I felt like I made a selfish sacrifice for him, to keep him for him to love me again. Throughout the years, we have talked about adoption, foster children but none of our own really, which I still do want. He twice offered hissperm to his brother and sister-in-law because they were having difficulties getting pregnant. He didn’t ask or talk to me first. I was hurt, he was okay with adoption, foster children (which I am too) and donation of his sperm…all to nothing with me, as if he just didn’t want to have children with me. I felt rejected.

A year or two later, he got sick, really sick were I thought I would loose him for good. It hurt so bad, I never prayed so much in my life, bargaining with God to let him be okay. To let him live and let us live on together.

He got better and shortly after, he asked me to marry him. Our wedding was something that i had longed for however, it didn't turn out to be special as i though it would. It was stressful, one sidded planning (mine). We left our own wedding at 9pm and went back to our house with the kids (he has two teenage boys) because they were bored. At this time, we had not been intimate in over 2 years when we got married and decided that we would just wait since it had been so long for our wedding night. We went on our 3+ week honeymoon but still were not intimate. We have been married for over 2 years now and we did consummate the marriage around our 6month of marriage, that was the only time to this day. He takes a medication that hinders his hormone levels, however there are medications to counteract them but didn't take the initiative to prepare for our wedding. I was hurt but didn't say anything, i thought it woudl just embarrass him.

Our relationship was nothing more than roommates with financial benefits. We fought all the time, we couldn't compromise it was difficult. Not always, there were good times but not many great times but it was comfortable and secure. We now own a successful business and 4 homes so financially there were less irritations but there was still something missing. I would plan weekend trips to bed and breakfast, he would make excuses not to go or cancel last minute. I asked him to come on trips with me to see my best friend and her boyfriend, he would find an excuse. I was doing everything on my own. Holidays, family events, birthdays..etc. I started thinking…why do I need/want/love him? What does he provide back to me? I work long hours, sacrifice more than he does and for him to treat me bad, demand for more, take advantage and know I will take care of everything, talk to me the way he does, not care what I need/want in life. He was withdrawing me away from my family, his family was always over every weekend, when I would ask him if I can invite my parents too he no I don’t think that’s a good idea, maybe next time. One time, his family was out of town so I said why don’t we call my parents and have them over .. Be perfect. He said, I don’t care..feeling that he really didn’t want them over but I called and invited and he became angry when I said they accepted. We were cooking brunch when they came, and then he got so mad and said call me when they are gone. There is no friction between him and my family, none. My parents love him. I couldn’t believe he left me standing there to explain which I made an excuse that he had to go to work, I don’t know if they bought it..it was Sunday and was awkward.

I felt myself detaching. I tried to hold on but couldn’t.

My brother means the world to me, we are 15 years apart and we are very close. He got into a situation and he needed family, love and support. We all did, I (we) were loosing my brother for a long long time, I was lost, scared and hurting. I soon was spiriling out of control, I was depressed and so scared, I needed him and he was not there. He was actually, not only not there, he was destructive, saying it was his own fault and going to have to live with it (because I wanted to help him financially). My brother was scared, spoke of suicide and my husbands response was “well tell him to get it done and over with it and save us a whole lot of time and money”. That was almost the last straw… he kept it up, he treated my family like dirt, made my mom cry at work (which we all work together with investment homes/remodeling). He was mean, nasty, angry. His mom said that it was the medicine he was on, I said then why doesn’t he do something about it?

I was longing for love, I was long for attention, I was alone, hurting, confused. I wanted more, I was falling so fast I didn’t know how to pull myself up. Everything in my life was going wrong and I felt helpless. All I needed was him to say, everything will be okay, or we will get through it as I always do and make sure we do. But he wasn’t there.

We were suppose to go to my best friends wedding together out of state for 7 day destination wedding. I was so excited that we were going to do something together and a well needed vacation. I was leaving a few days earlier to help maid of honor wedding duties which he was upset that I needed to go so early (4 days early)..he cancelled once again. Once again, I am alone.

And that leads me to my current problem…. I met someone there and my life has forever changed. I had no intention of ever cheating on my husband but it did happen. It was the last day before I left, after all week of spending time together (in a large group). It was the night of the wedding, he asked me to dance and he swept me off my feet from that day forward.

We spoke everyday, we became closer and closer and I fell in love with him. He is supportive, loving, fun, he sacrafices, gives unselfishly, doesn’t let money get in the way of his feelings, wants a family, loves to travel. He is there 100% for me and I am for him. We live in different states but have seen each other 7 times and talk every day for hours. I moved out shortly after I got back from the wedding, it was hard. It hurt tremendously but thought, it’s time to make some changes and figure out what I want and need in my life. I obviously am not being fulfilled in my marriage that I allowed someone not only into my life but my heart.

I have tried to call it off the other man so many times, I was hurting, scared, never lived on my own before, outside of my comfort zone. He would stay on the phone with me every night as I cried and put me to bed to make sure I was okay. He said he would be there for me, that he loves me, needs me, wants me and I love, need and want him too.

I know I should close one door before opening another. I don’t know what to do, my husband is asking me to come home, said he has been selfish, rude, mean and unfair, said that he was so busy trying to be happy and now that I am not there he realizes that he was happy. The other man said that he should have known better and that he should be sorry and that he is a grown man acting and taking advantage the love that was given to him. My husband says that he wants me to be happy, that I desearve to be happy with our without him however it would kill him if im not in his life.

I am so so so confused. I told my husband that I don’t want to go back to that relationship the way it was, it was unhealthy and we should be fair to one another if we are not happy nor if we can’t make each other happy. I said no matter what he would be part of my life and I will make sure he is taken care of and that we can get through this no matter what the outcome.

Now my husband is talking, loving my parents telling them that we will have children soon, when I come home (my parents are not grandparents yet and very anxious and wanted it for so long…my husband use to say, we are not having children to fullfill your parents wants) but he hasn’t even talked to me about this prior to telling my parents right in front of me. He has talked to doctors about medicine to help with intimacy issues, he has changed dramatically. The man that I know can get securitied out of a store in less than 10 minutes is now trying to be more understanding and patient. I am proud of the changes he has made, I just feel that it is a bit too late? I don't desire him intimately, emotionally i don't need him, i took many trips to see my friends in this last 7 months than i did our entire relationship (because he didn't like it but wouldnt' come with me).

I am having a hard time with this, i feel that I ruined our marriage and I can't undo or erase it, would it be better to move on, move back?? I was desperate.. I have gone to a physic (after spending 600.00 for 1 week session and an expectation that I needed to spend another 1800.00 for some candles..I discontinued). I talked to my pastor, I talked with my mom, counselor and to each one of the men in my life. I was desperate for answers, which no one has. I wanted to tell my husband but everyone told me that it would just hurt him and wouldn’t help anything and it would be selfish of me to try to feel better by making him feel bad. I wanted to have a sit down with all 3 of us with a counselor but was advised that that wouldn’t be a good idea at all.

I love them both, I sometimes feel like I have to say in my marriage because it is the right thing to do, expectations, would be easier, feelings of guilt, feel like I should forgive and give another chance, he has changed dramatically, however I don’t trust it, it has been 9 years and now as I am walking away from all that I ever wanted, he says wait, I’ve changed, I want kids, I want you and I want to try.

If I go back, will I be able to give/try like I am suppose to? Will I be able to heal from the heartach of the other man that I love? The other man is passionate, caring, so very unselfish, giving, loving and strong with his convictions. He has been there more for me more in the last 7 months than the last 9 years of my relationship with my husband. I don't want to hurt him, i don't want to loose him, i find myself needing and wanting him. I can't bare to think of not speaking with him ever again. He said he will understand what i need to do but if i do go back he will respect my decsision and leave me to figure it out on my own.

I'm afraid of leaving my husband on his own and run towards my own happiness, seems so selfish, i would rather stay if he to make sure he is taken care of and happy, plus could i be happy if i was worried about him, wondering if he's okay, happy or lonely? I don't think i could. If he were to walk away on his own, i would let him. It would be sad but I wouldn't stop him.

What is the right thing to do when I know I did this all wrong? Why did i stay so long in a failing relationship? I failed my morals two times, i fear that i can't handle the guilt and pain of all of this. Is it time to start over, or is that running away. Does he deserve a second chance? I think I owe it to my husband but don't want to set either one of us up for failure.

Any suggesions?

Posted by anonymous at February 23, 2008 9:46 PM