Anonyblog

Pain

Well, here I am, nearly two years after my back surgery, my dreams of never having to hurt again shattered.

Now I have problems with the SI (sacroiliac) joints in my back---I had crippling pain again just before Valentine's Day. Literally. I had trouble dressing myself because of the pain. And, I could absolutely NOT take off work. I manage one of a corporate chain of gift and engraving stores, and like most companies in Corporate Amerika, they have cut my payroll down to a bare minimum of 88 hours a week, which means I can support only three more people on my staff (but I'll save that for another rant.). So, I was taking Percocet around the clock to control the pain---and I do mean around the clock. I was taking it in the middle of the night so I could actually get out of bed in the morning. I called my doctor and asked if I could take the pills every 4 hours instaed of six, and she put me on plain 15mg oxycodone pills; I couldn't continue with the Percocet because the acetominophen (Tylenol) would wreck my liver. I finally got in to see the pain management doctor, who gave me one of those wonderful (nasty, painful, deep into your bck while you lie on a flouroscope table) shots, and I got some major relief...and then the pain started across the middle of my back. Not to mention that the SI joint on the left side starting to act up. That eased off on its own, thankfully, but the pain in the middle of my back continued. So, I had to keep taking the pills and believe me, it's a real drag to spend all your time on those darned pills. Anyone who says, "Cool! Can I buy some from you?" is a complete idiot. Believe me, as far as Percocet and oxycodone go, the thrill is definitely gone.

So I had my regular visit with my surgeon's office...he says the pain in the middle of my back is a problem with my ribs. He gave me some Lidocaine patches and oh, yay! They work. You use them 12 hours on, then 12 hours off. Now I can get by with one pill when I go to bed at night. So now, due to the SI joint problems, I have to get an xray of my pelvis without shoes on to see if we have to change the size of the lift in my shoe (my pelvis is tilted due to the fact that I have one leg longer than the other). Additionally, I've been referred back to my osteopath to work with the rib problem. Even more fun, I have an appointment with my pain mamagement doc on Thursday for a follow-up injection for the SI joint; my surgeon's office called them and added a second shot at the trigger point for the pain in the middle of my back. Sounds like a fun day.

To top it all off, I hired a new assistant who had already been an assistant at one of our stores in NY, so any training I would have to do would be minimal. The other daytime person has found another job and is leaving. Ahhhhhh. Then I got the call---the new assistant had gotten a better offer at her current job and would not be coming to work for me. I am so fucked. Now I'll be working upwards of 60 hours a week, just when I need to work fewer hours, not more. Add in the physical therapy twice a week, the xrays, myelograms (that's for the degenerating discs in my neck, which send pain down my right arm and cause my hands to go numb; the medicaation for that is fast approaching the maximum dose) and other tests I need...I have no life.

I am depressed, so very, very depressed. I'm tired of all the challenges life is throwing at me. I just don't want to do this any more. I'm almost ready for that fatal heart attck, just bring it on so I don't have to keep trudging and struggling. And I swear, if anyone gives me that "God only gives us as much as we can bear" line, I absolutely WILL shoot them. (No offense intended to anyone who would be inclined to say that; just DON'T SAY IT. I don't want to hear it. What kind of supposedly loving God would do this to anyone?)

I'm tired. So tired. So tired of all of this. The stress is probably going to kill me. I wish it would just hurry up and do it before I lose my mind.