I hate my life. I feel like I completely fucked it up. I'm sure there are people worse off in the world who would trade places with me in an instant, but you know what? That really doesn't make me feel any better.
I live in a country I hate (Australia) & wish I could move back to my country of birth (New Zealand). Nothing is really stopping me except that I have nearly $70000 of debt in Australia. Trying to pay off an aussie debt in nz dollars is really tricky. I can barely scrape by as it is now.
I'm not blaming anyone, my situation is entirely my fault. I was careless & got into too much debt.
I miss my daughter, she lives in New Zealand, god she is beautiful. She is turning nine years old in a few weeks. I left New Zealand in 2004, it was hard. But her mother made life so difficult for me I had to get away. Now things are ok between her mother & I but I'm stuck here.
I'm tired all the time. I wake up feeling tired & grumpy every day. I have hardly any friends. I know people but it's like it's soooooo much effor to maintain friendships you know? I just can't be bothered. It hurts. I'm single, have been for nearly three years now. I have pretty much given up ever being with a woman again. Who would want to be with a tired, grumpy, cynical guy who's broke?
Sometimes I think about committing suicide. I think if I do ahead and do it I will sit in my car with the engine running while it's parked in the garage with all the doors shut. I wonder what will happen to my soul if did it? Will I float around the world or will I pass on? I consider this during my contemplations of suicide.
I hate feeling like this. I hope something good happens soon.
Posted by anonymous at March 5, 2008 4:07 AMI guess I can understand how you feel. It is an awful feeling to be alone without anyone to talk to. And $70000 is a lot of money but not insurmountable, as long as you have a job, right? But please don't commit suicide. Think of your daughter, she would certainly miss you like hell! Your soul may not suffer (because we don't really know what happens, do we?) but some people certainly will, because they will live with the knowledge that you are not there. So please speak to someone, get some moral support, there are ways and make that effort to keep yourself afloat because there WILL be better days!
Posted by: s at March 6, 2008 1:23 AMThanks for your comment. I don't really want to die right now, really. I just find myself thinking of suicide a lot lately.
I think you are right, I just need to hang in there, it's just so hard. Gotta try & get a grip...
I actually have a pretty good job, and the money will be paid back eventually but I miss my daughter so much, I want to be home NOW.
I guess i'm just tired of being tired and miserable. My mother suffers from depression & takes medication but I refuse. I think medication just hides the symptoms, it doesn't heal the wound.
Posted by: J at March 6, 2008 5:21 AMPersonally, I believe that it will absolutely harm your soul if you commit suicide; not only will have harmed yourself (irrevokably, I might add), but you will harm those you love and care for you. The Universe will punish you for that. Don't do it. Please.
Are there such things as debt counselors in Australia? That might be a place to start getting yourself out of your massive debt.
Posted by: at March 6, 2008 5:24 AMMoney is shit! It makes people say and do stupid things. I know we need it to live, but My God people get so mind blowing stupid and depressed over something that is trivial. I have very little money. I have debt. YOUr thoughts are in the wrong place. Can't find happiness from just moving from one place to another. You tried that back in 2004. Didn't work now did it.
You are very right. You will not find any relationships (unless if you pay for it and even then it will not be good) unless you change your attitude. No one can love you unless you love yourself. It sounds corny and stupid but it is true.
Money is not the problem, your self centered thinking is. That was my problem. I am not perfect and it has taken me years to get out of where you are right now. To some degree I am still in that place, at least I am one step away from being you.
Work on you, forget your family, debt and all the shit that is making you sad. It will all be there when you get back.
If you can work on your own self worth, the rest will fall into place. It will not be easy, but it will be better. I took about two years to learn how to get my shit together before I started back to school,work, family and all that wonderful debt.
It was all still there for me to deal with, the good and the bad. But I was better able to handle all that stuff head on.
As I said, I am far from perfect and right now I am approaching 40 so I have to deal with the whole mid-life crisis, but I am confident that I will make it through and come out the other side. And yes, I too could have taken drugs to fix me right up, but chose not to. I actually had to work at it.
If you make it through the day without killing yourself, then you have a fighting chance for tomorrow.
"One foot in the past, one foot in the future and you are pissing on today".
Posted by: anon at March 6, 2008 3:48 PMI know you won't commit suicide as long as you have a daughter, because it won't only make her miss you, it will give her a mental block on "why" for as long as she lives. But I know, shit gets so hard sometimes the thought can be rather appealing.
It sounds like you are peaking with your "dwelling" habits. Not a fun place to be. I can imagine you wake up feeling pissed, sit through work and come home, just as pissed if not more.
You need some new experiences. Go hiking, take a trip (a cheap one), or just do something that you've NEVER done before. You need some new experiences to give your mind something else to focus on, as well as providing yourself with some new material for conversations.
I can imagine that your conversations with people aren't very upbeat these days? Perhaps its because you have nothing good to talk about?
Worse comes to worse, you can always move to the forest and live off the land until someone finds you and says you gotta move, or try being a bum for a while (just for fun). Create new identities, whatever it takes to indulge in a new facet of life that you have yet to experience.
As long as you pay the minimum debt, you won't get in trouble. What IF that debt was to last the rest of your life? Rather than thinking of the entire 70,000 as I know you do, think of the minimum. and just focus on that. Try to accept that that's all you REALLY have to deal with right now.
And stop waiting for something good to happen. Don't worry about "people" right now. Worry about you. Be selfish. Find something you've always wanted to do, and do it for you. THEN, tell new people about what you've done, and how exciting it was for you.
Posted by: Qwerty at March 11, 2008 7:25 PMQwerty, that was probably the most inspiring few lines of text I have read in a long time.
You struck soemthing within me.
Thank you!
-The original poster
Posted by: j at March 13, 2008 3:05 AM