Ah! I feel so much better already just knowing that I am going to write this! I have been wanting to write this for a while.
I am bad. That's what this is about. Baaaaad.
Okay. So we all know I have this Mexican boyfriend (really, really Mexican) who is the person I wanted to be with for years and we finally found each other again this time last year. It was my dream come true to be with him!
...Eh, or was it? Even at the time I was kind of a little freaked out like "wait a minute!! do I really want this?" But it turned into this thing where we jumped immediately into the relationship because it's both what we had always wanted for the longest time and I figured we'd just work the kinks out on the way.
Now here I am, almost a year later,and I honestly cannot say whether I am happy or not. I think there's some basic needs I am missing out on, like TRUST and RESPECT. And if you have never been in a situation where your significant other does not trust you, let me just say that it is absolutely the most frustrating thing to have to deal with. And it has, up until this point, (just wait) been completely unfounded, there was no reason whatsoever to even consider that I am not a trustworthy girlfriend.
So in some small ways I feel like I was sort of driven to be bad. Not trying to make excuses for myself, but in some small ways it is true.
So, you want to know? I will tell only you, Anonyblog.
Well, there's this other guy...known him for a very long time, always had a crush on him, he is apparently still into me since we were teenagers....you get the picture. It is just too easy for some reason. I went over to his house and we woo hoo'd (JJ says that all the time). It really sort of just came out of nowhere. I just plain did it with no real rhyme or reason. Honest. And since I'm not telling anyone (which is reeeeeaally hard, btw) I even feel at times like nothing ever happened. Like I can pretend I didn't do it if I keep it to myself. And I almost feel like I have two lives, one where I am baaaad and one where I am fine and dandy and a good girl. I'm actually pretty lost and distracted by it all.
The reason this post sucks so much is because I'm really not totally sure what is going on in my head.
Of course I like this guy, I am so into him. When I think about it sometimes my head feels a little heavy or woozy (take your pick) and I just kind of have a vacant smile on my face. I find that if I am talking to him or texting him I have this stupid grin on my face the entire time.
I don't even know where I am going with this. With any of this. I don't think there will ever come a time when my boyfriend would leave me, I am pretty much the best girl he has ever had. But I don't know how to move forward through this. It's not like my boyfriend is necessarily bad to me, but things are far from great, most of the time.
I just kind of wonder how long I would be with this other guy before the same thing happens again. It sort of is becoming a distinct pattern in my life. Guys come in and out of it at the weirdest times and my little head can't always keep things straight.
I feel like guys always are telling me I am the best thing they have ever had in their lives. I considered this the other day, and in the big scheme of things I can't totally see myself happy with any of the men in my life. Maybe I'm just delusional. I want the guy that is the best thing that ever happened in MY life!
I don't need to hear "You're a fucking slut, N!" or that I am so wrong and that I am just another cheatin whore and my man deserves better. You could never know and it's not like I don't KNOW all of that already ANYWAYS!!! Gosh.
Ah. But it feels sooo good to tell somebody. I do feel terrible keeping a secret from my best friends, but the only way I am keeping my head straight is by keeping this to myself this time. They'll hear about it eventually, when I am ready.
K well give me your opinion, give me some advice, your two cents, or write something totally irrelevant. I really just needed to tell someone.
Lucky I have this place
<3 N
You go girl! Don't feel bad about hooking up with someone you have admired for such a long time. At one time I thought that I could "work the kinks out along the way" but let me tell you, if it ain't right it ain't right. Follow your sweet little heart and do what you feel is right. You are much too young to be tied down to someone who does not trust or respect you. Demand more from your relationships. Don't settle for substandard partners.
It sounds to me like you need a vacation. Maybe a break from the every day grind would do you some good. A beautiful beach on the east coast would be a great place to go and relax for a few days.
Hint-Hint!
In my experience (and boy! do I have experience!), a man who expresses distrust in a relationship does so because HE is the one who can't be trusted. The ones who always accuse their significant others of being cheaters do it because that is all they know---they are the ones who cheat, and they assume that everyone else is just like them. The same applies to women.
It is obvious that something is wrong in your relationship, and some things are unfixable. You're quite young, and you have plenty of time to find the right person for you. Remember what the dragonlady says: It is better to have no man than the wrong man.
Posted by: at May 9, 2008 6:19 AMNever allow someone to be your Priority while allowing yourself to be their Option
Posted by: at May 9, 2008 9:44 AMwho cares? not me. you cheated on your partner end of.
Posted by: at May 10, 2008 3:42 AMCommenter #3: Good one!
Posted by: at May 10, 2008 6:07 AM#3 is awesome. I think we should meet in Spain as we have discussed in previous conversatons. Anyways, maybe its not so much that **CURRENT BOYFRIEND** has always been wrong for you, but that he was exactly what you needed for a while but you are growing and your needs are changing. So its not anything really bad that either of y did? BTW you told me all this anyways. So I guess that makes me your BFF more so than others! HA! I'm special!
Muah
JJ
Posted by: at May 13, 2008 10:16 PMHa ha yeah I did tell you. I always enjoy living vicariously through you so I had to share this time.
Thanks for putting in words what I couldn't really articulate. I have changed, haven't I? *Gasp* Am I an ADULT??? Oh no! hahaha!
And number 3 really is awesome! I have quoted it once or twice already.
It would seem he has good reason not to trust you, if it's that easy for you to just "woo hoo" even with someone you've admired for a long time. If the Mexican really is the person you want to be with, you wouldn't have found it so easy to betray him so casually. If the relationship isn't giving you what you want then by all means get the hell out of it. Staying in a relationship that isn't real is not fair to you or him, and if you can't be faithful to him at least respect him enough to let him go so he has a chance at a REAL relationship.
I believe in monogamy completely and utterly. If I don't feel like I can be with the man I love and only with him, then I don't need to be with him. I don't give myself to someone until I am positive that he is the ONLY one that I want.
I have to admit that those words you don't want to hear went through my mind as I read your post. The fact is, you were simply human and made a mistake. Don't compound it by continuing a relationship that your actions have proven to be a lie.
Posted by: at May 17, 2008 2:40 AMOkay, since no one else has stepped up, I'll do it! N you are a slut. Pure and simple. Hosing around while being part of another relationship is wrong. You cannot argue with that. You are not to be trusted as you seem to justify hosing anyone you might have a remote desire for. That makes you a slut.
Posted by: at May 19, 2008 10:20 AMYep, that's me, the slut! Thank you!
Everyone knew that already anyways.
Feel better?
Posted by: N at May 19, 2008 12:28 PM