Anonyblog

Hopeless Romantic

Ever have a moment of insight about yourself you realize you should have noticed along time ago?

Sitting here, listening to my iPod at work, scrolling though artists and albums...what am I listening to today? John Mayer, Dave Matthews Band, Jeff Buckley, Portished, Everything But The Girl... what is this sudden propensity for smarm?

I am drifting in and out of choice lyrics, floating on top of saxophone solos, my eyelids are heavy and my mind is detached from the present, lilting above my body.

And I realize....

....I am a hopeless romantic.....

And this saddens me. I would like to think I am smarter.I always strive to be stronger. I avoid frilly poet shirts, and dole out brash truth like extra aces.

There is no money in hopeless romanticism. There is no glory, no knowledge to be gained. What purpose does it serve? How does it possibly benefit one's life? A hopeless romantic will always hope for this best - wishful thinking - and though disappointed continuously, will return time and time again to allow their heart to be torn out. A hopeless romantic will go out of their way, above and beyond, even when it is never noticed or reciprocated. A hopeless romantic will eat the metaphorical food, even when they know with all certainty it is poisoned. Why? Because though fatal, it will taste good on the tongue- unfortunately, a hopeless romantic will always swallow. Hopeless romantics do not operate within experience- they operate in the moment. They live for the moment their heart leaps into their throat and they feel lighter then sky. Inevitably, the moment comes when their heart will sink to their stomach, their mouth will taste rancid, and their body becomes so heavy they can't lift it off the floor. Every movement is like wearing lead weights.

I want to be smarter. Practical. Grounded. Realistic. I am not the fool. I am the one who dispenses truth. I am the one who speaks what you know is true, but don't wish to admit. I am the one who puts her foot down solidly, then takes that next step forward. I am the one who walks with purpose. I am the one who says flippantly, "Ha! That was yesterday's hat."

.....and I am also the one who waits by the phone. I am the one who obsessively looks at pictures. I am the one who listens to smarmy music and gets lost in thought. I am the one who sighs...

Is this hopeless romanticism, or simply virtue of being female? I have NEVER let my gender restrain or inhibit me, much less define me. I have, however, repeatedly hoped for the best and become starry-eyed, only to become blurry-eyed when once again, I am disappointed and heart broken.

The real killer is...... I know better.

I know better.

Posted by anonymous at June 28, 2008 6:53 AM