Anonyblog

life truely sux

well where to start.. hummm!!! i'm 26 i have 3 wonderful children a fab boyfriend who loves me, so why am i so down all the time. i am on anti depressants i take 'em regually but still my life seems worthless. my mum has schizophrenia and my dad drinks too much and he left home when i was 7 he returned afer 6 years of pure hell for me as i said my mum is schizophrenic so i was battered and bruised most of the time, school tried to inform social services but they where as useful as a chocolate fireguard so i was left with her.. i was very close to my dad when i was small but as soon as he came home when i was 13 he realised my mum was very ill and had her sectioned at the local mental health hospital (it really was for her own good) she is now on medicaton and will be for the rest of her life and is completely stable to meet her you would never know she had schizophrenia, but anyway my dads drinking has worsened and he blames me for everything even tho i have not lived there for around 4 years. he loves me i know he does but just will not show it, i'm not sure he knows how to. i want the relationship back i used to have with him. i used to see him every weekend when he was not at home but then he lost interest when he came back to live with me and i.
when i was about 14 i started work on an urban farm as a volunteer and one of the staff took a big shine to me after about 6 months there he had gained my trust, i thought of him like a father figure i started spending more and more time with him infact i was with him every spare minuite i had, i even started wagging off school. one day he offered me a drink it was vodka and i ended up going through half a bottle then he came on to me (it felt right at the time but i now know he was taking advantage of me) i was 14 years old and he was 42 same age as my dad. i was still spending time with him and we had sex on a regular basis until i was 16 then i broke it off because i realised it was not right! he was sacked from the farm i volunteered at for trying it on with other younger girls but sadly i never wanted to belive it. i started taking drugs(pot, speed and lsd mostly) to try and forget about all the hurt and pain and feeling of loss.
when i was 17 he got back intouch with me and said he needed my help so i went round to see him (stupidly, no idea why i did) when i got there he said he had thrombosis and was in court soon as he had abused again he said "i can't do time, i'm too ill" so he went on the run. i heard he was found by the police somewhere in london, i don't know if there is any truth in the matter but it's what i heard.
after all that i met what i thought was a really nice bloke and after 3 months i fell pregnant that's when i realised he was not so nice after all he told me i was to get rid of it but i couldn't and wouldn't and i stopped taking drugs, so a couple of months before my 18th birthday i gave birth to my first son. it was the most wonderful day of my life! no feeling can ever compare to holding your new born baby. everything was going fine until about 6 months later when i found out his dad was cheating on me.
i kick him out but then got very depressed and was not looking after my baby properly, so he went to live with his dad.
i still volunteered at the farm and a few years later i met someone else who worked there and i fell in love with him. he lived with someone but kept promising to leave her but he never, anyway our realationship went on for 2 years and then i had a fling with a local chav/scally and my beautiful daughter was the result of the fling. i do not regret it for one moment she was the making of me.
my dad kicked me out of his house when she was 9months old so i went to stay in a mother and baby unit and met my current boyfriend when i was on a night out with my friend for her birthday i fell in love with him very quickly and a few months down the line i was pregnant again, everything was running smoothly, i had my beautiful daughter and my wonderful man what could pssibly go wrong i found myself saying one day? at my 20 week scan we where so excited we where desperate to see our baby and find out what sex baby was and then it happend the thing to turn everything upside down she was a beautiful little girl with a huge problem, her skull had not formed and would not survive birth so i was then made to make the hardest decision of my life. i had to terminate my pregnancy. when i gave birth to her they took her away cleaned her up, wrapped her up in a tiny pink blanket and brought her in so i could say goodbye. i tried to lift the blanket a little so i could see for myself that she was truely deformed but my boyfriend stopped me and said it'd be too trormatic for me so i didn't see her head. at her funeral i didn't cry much, i don't think it had sunk in properly.
3 months on and my boyfriend and i where just starting to come to terms with what had happened i fell pregnant AGAIN!! so soon after loosing my baby girl, i was sick with worry all the way through but was given extra scans and blood tests to make sure everything was going ok. 9 months on and i was giving birth to my baby boy he is now 18months old (he will never replace my baby i lost but he sure helps with the pain) and he is a monster but a fab lil monster and my boyfrind and my 3 year old addore him... anyway thats my life story and after re-reading it i can see why i suffer with depression. i just needed to off load onto someone before i burst!!!

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