I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve my life to turn out like this, but whatever it is it must be really bad.
I’m nice to everyone I met, yet all they seem to do is use me and take advantage of me. I don’t even feel like my life is my own.
I don’t have any friends, and I have no prospects of a love life either.
It seems that everyone I meet seem to be two faced cunts. Nice to your face, oh but what they get up to behind your back, it’s far worse that than what my worst enemy could do to me.
Having an enemy would actually probably be healthier for me that these supposed friends.
I haven’t even bothered to eat properly in about 2 months.
I barely sleep anymore.
I actually have no life.
The life I do have I don’t want.
Every little thing annoys me.
I have no enjoyment in anything I do.
I can’t even stand the sight of my daughter.
I am the worse mother in history.
Everyone’s lives are going on, and everyone is happy.
But I’m not.
No matter what I try to do to be happy, something comes along and knocks me back further than before.
What is the point? My life is pointless, and no one would miss me if I was gone.
Why does everyone think its okay to use me?
Do I have no feelings?
Am I not a person?
Am I not worthy enough for anyone to actually care about?
I guess the answer is no.
You said you're a single mother. Most people are not going to want to move in with someone else's brats. That is a big barrier to a love life.
Posted by: at September 29, 2008 10:28 PMWell first of all, the more you feel this way about your life, the more true what you wrote here will become for you. It's only going to get worse thinking like this. It is easy to be pissed of at this horrible world, and its hard to remember that so many good things exist when we're bombarded by the worst of it 24/7.
And let me assure you, nobody is happy. I'm not happy and a have a pretty damn good life. But there have been times where I just look at people, and assume they are absolutely perfect in every way just so that I will feel worse about myself, almost like I do it on purpose because it feels so good to feel like shit, to feel like you're the victim. But that's just me and the problems I face from time to time.
I'm also generally a nice person too. But when you say "I'm nice to everyone I meet," that says to me that you are nice unconditionally, whether or not the other party is deserving it or not. What I've found being the nice guy, is that people take advantage of you just by knowing that you will always say yes and help them out since you are so unconditionally nice all the time. I'm not saying you should got out and be an ass to everyone, but be nice in consideration. Don't put yourself in a position where they can "use you and take advantage of you," and don't be afraid to say "no." You have that choice in everything that you do.
Expect that everyone you meet WILL be "two-faced cunts." Unfortunately the odds are good. In which case, tolerate them to have a conversation or a dinner date or sex or whatever, and then move on until you come across someone who is only a "one-faced cunt."
I get the feeling that you're striving for perfection. That if you drop your keys getting ready for work you think "GREAT! how else can this already shitty day go wrong."
Go into the bathroom of your house, look in the mirror and smile. Just stare at yourself in the eyes and smile. Just to see how it feels. It won't feel good, i'll tell you that.
Not sleeping, not eating or taking care of yourself, and feeling disgusted by everything you look at, including your daughter, says to me that you sit around all day and think about more reasons to justify why your life sucks so bad. When that's all you do all day, you'll have NOTHING to talk about with other people so that when a social opportunity comes about, you'll be at a loss for words.
At least you're aware that you're the "worst mother in history." But by saying that, that means that even though you haven't been, perhaps, doing your job as a mother, you still care about your child, and how she perceives you.
You've got to go outside. Go to community events and just stand there until someone talks to you. Or, fuck that. Fuck other people for a while and focus on you. Start a garden, exercise regularly, go out with your KID! Spend time with your kid! PLEASE! SHe needs you now more than every (because they ALWAYS need you now more than ever they're whole lives).
One things for sure, you've got to stop thinking, and you've got to start doing. If you say your life is pointless, then it is. If you say you're the worst mother on earth, then you are. Start saying good things about yourself. Lie and tell yourself about all of your perfect attributes. Only then can you start working on making yourself become who you truly want to be. It's time to wake up. This "life" thing isn't easy for anyone, unless they're mindless unconscious pawns simply playing their role in this world in order for time to proceed.
Posted by: Qwerty at September 30, 2008 12:01 AMIt sounds to me that you're so needy that you lap up attention from anyone without setting some standards for who you're going to spend time with. That's not meant as an insult; as a woman, I've done the same thing in the past. Someone would pay attention to me, and I thought that made them my friend. Just try being a little choosier about who you bring into your life. Never, never lower your standards just to avoid being alone.
Posted by: at September 30, 2008 3:57 AM