I didn't lie to the police. I truly didn't. I do know from research that the new communications center in Long Beach may have been in error as they went beta that week. I don't know. You'll never believe me, but I did not lie to you. Inasmuch, I owe many more words than that simply so I empty the mind into thoughts here and hope to do nothing more than to kiss your delicious neck for a total of no more than 4 minutes. Please?
You were always a time bomb. Such a tragedy. I could see it in your eyes the first time we met at school. I was so cold, so happy to see you exiting class to your car. Heh, that makes me smile. They was the clock; those sad orbs showing how much time you had and wanted left. Not long, I could tell. Your veins, the wires on which you cut your sense, and your heartbeat, the annoying ticking that drives you mad. I have such manic tendencies too. Maybe it's AAHD. I don't know.
I remember that day,before I met you. It was raining. Failing to catch the bus cause my car was in the shop, I was forced to walk home again from work, as always, so I was used to walking this familiar route. I remember an old playground that I'd always pass. As a child, it was one of my favourite places, an escape from my arguing parents. The same fights again, over and over. It now served as my place of solitude. I was covered in black, only the thin material protecting myself from the harsh environment. I think to that night - It baffled me to even wonder why you weren't shivering, you were swatched in cold. Cold, dark and forgotten, you blended perfectly with my old childhood haven.
This intrigued me. Being a curious girl, I wanted to know why, even though I had no idea what it was that I wanted to find out. Normally, I wouldn't give a person just walking to their car a second glance, but there was something about you. Trudging through puddles, I slowly neared you. What I guessed to be ear length, styled, black hair was now weighed down by the freezing cold water droplets, making you look even more interesting. You were turned the other way, so I couldn't see your face. But your slightly muscular, yet lean form made it obvious that it in fact was YOU. Again, I would have thought you might be a serial killer, or rapist, but my growing curiosity made it impossible to turn back.
Standing directly in front of you, you didn't even notice I was there. I stepped nearer, closing a bit more space separating us. It was only when my umbrella started to shelter your soaking wet body from the rain, you looked up. Piercing brown eyes stared directly into my own brown ones. The pools of mud were rimmed and painted with natural black lashes to match your outfit. Always living in this small town, it struck me odd to see a boy like you wearing a satchel. But in this case, it made you look even better. Small clumps of black lashes were streaming across your pale, almost white cheeks, making it even more obvious you had been studying hard. I was still slightly shocked by your appearance, but you misunderstood my confused expression as a judgmental and disapproving one.
"Fuck off," you spat. The words fell from your pink lips and ended the awkward silence of me still looking you over. I was still confused.
"W-W-What?" I stuttered.
"I told you to fucking leave me alone. I just wanted to drive this ballsack-colored truck home and think in peace. Is that too much to ask?!" Your eyebrows furrowed in anger as you shouted at me.
"I-I-I..Uh...I.."
"I-I-I," you mimicked me mockingly, "You think you're so much better than me with your nice clothes and perfect family, but let me tell you something. You're-"
"Perfect family?!" I yelled, cutting you off, "You don't know a fuck about me! So don't go saying I have a nice life until you've lived it!" You looked stunned by my outburst, but I still continued, "I just wanted to know why you were fucking sitting in the rain by yourself crying and if you were okay! Jeez!"
The look on your face softened, but you still didn't respond.
"Well?!" Still no reply. Sighing, I turned and started to leave.
"I just like it, that's all." Stopping dead in my tracks, I turned back to look at you. That didn't explain why you had such anger streaking across your face, but I didn't want to upset you further. A lost look clouded over your eyes as you stared off into space again. And that's when I knew. A fucking time bomb.
And still, so many have spoken of love, but if you search the horizon, you will discover that most of the things written about love are either pithy or cynical. You are NEITHER.
Society in general can be cruel and heartless toward real virtue of any kind. In the most popular venues, love is seldom dealt with with any degree of sobriety. Modern humor mocks marriage, husbands and wives, then glorifies every conceivable breech of virtue, such as sexual immorality, profane and obscene values.
Real love is a mystery to most people. Most people never realize the true potential or value of love, nor do they learn to practice the art of love. It is usually very poorly defined. People think they are in love, but they can’t explain it. There is a great deal of confusion and cross-referencing of the terms LOVE, ROMANCE, INFATUATION, AFFECTION, TENDERNESS and so forth.
Love may include romance, infatuation, affection and tenderness. But even if those elements are not present, it could still be love.
A lot of people will tell you that they are in love, or that they have been in love, but there is a huge disparity between one person’s definition of love and another’s.
Two of my favorite statements on love are:
Love is a choice to do the highest good for someone.
Love is the bond of perfectness (Colossians 3:14):
It is the perfect glue.
Love is noble and idealistic. Love is the highest of all the virtues. God Himself is love. Paul classified faith, hope and love as the highest virtues, and concluded that love was the highest of the three.
Love is essential to all perfect relationships.
What most people never realize is that true love is not always romantic. Romance is different from love, even though ideally, they should occur together. Romance is the emotional component of love. Romance adds the sparkle in your eyes. Romance adds the perfume and the colors. Romance embellishes the scenery and swells the music. Romance is the gilding of love. Romance is gold leaf. It is ornamentation. Romance sometimes becomes a means unto itself. It even becomes a cheap substitute for love at times. Some people seem to desire the trappings and embellishments of romance in place of genuine relationships. By comparison, romance is superficial to love. Romance is skin deep. Love is heart deep. Romance requires things that love does not require. Romance requires gifs and surprises and lavish attention. Romance sometimes demands things that contradict love. Romance is offended when the gold leaf wears off. Romance condemns love that is not eye-pleasing. Romance often injures and denigrates true love because love doesn’t always appeal to romance’s selfishness.
Love is for givers, not getters - this I wish I would have learned instead of holding you to such things like movies and dinners and flowers, those orchids you gave to me. I digress, it's for those who demand to be loved before they will love shouldn’t be surprised if no one gives them love. Lovers live in a world of giving. The getters, the ones who are looking for love, is a different world. We have a duty to love, but we have no guarantees that we will be loved. We have it in our power to love, but we have no power to force others to love us. It is folly to spend life demanding love from others. If we are true lovers, our entire mindset is in a giving mode. There is no place for bemoaning the ways others neglect us.
Love is fascinating inasmuch that it draws a person into an expression of caring and concern for another. An entirely selfish person cannot love. Anyone whose desires are only for self-satisfaction cannot manifest love.
Love requires the giving of ones’ self to another. It involves an element of self-depletion, self-exhaustion. Love is empathic. It puts itself in someone else’s shoes. Love seeks to understand. Love cares. It does not pre-judge. It does not pass sentences. Love does not jump to conclusions. Love does not throw down ultimatums. Love does not declare war on its object. Love is tender, it is kind, it is forgiving.
Love is tuning into another’s sensitivities. Love sense’s another’s strengths and weaknesses. It uses the other person’s measuring stick. It suffers and rejoices on another’s terms. Love seeks rapport. It seeks to interface with another at their level. It seeks to relate emotionally, intellectually, physically and spiritually. Love compromises whenever possible. Love sacrifices personal whims if they are incompatible with the one who is loved. Love abandons pursuits that hurt the one who is loved. Love will do without. Love will dress in the color that another chooses. Love bends. Love stretches. Love must sometimes keep silent. Love is a desire that someone will fare better than yourself. It is the willingness to spend yourself for the well-being of another. Love will pay a debt the other cannot pay. It will bail them out for the sake of survival. Love wants the other to survive even if it means death to self. Love will die so someone else can live.
Infatuation is sometimes mistaken for romance or love. Infatuation is an extravagant passion or attraction to someone. Infatuation may or may not do the best it can for its object. (An example of the downside of infatuation occurs when someone begins to stalk or threaten the one they are infatuated with.) Infatuation might just be physical passion. Passion is what you see in animal magnetism. Passion is driven by physical attraction, by chemistry, by hormones, if you will. Passion causes animals to mate, to bear offspring. Passion will make a buck tear down a fence to get to a doe. Extreme passion is sometimes the force behind date-rape and other kinds of physical abuse. Every healthy human will experience some kind of passion. Our physiology guarantees it. Every man and every woman manufactures chemicals in their bodies that attract the attention of other human beings. The forces of testosterone and estrogen and other pheromones create irresistible magnetism between humans. It is possible to be attracted to anyone at anytime where these hormonal forces are at work. It is the nature of every living creature to be attracted to those of its own species. This physical passion, however, should never be confused with love.
It is possible to feel passion for someone you do not love, and it is possible to love someone you do not feel passion for. One of the biggest mistakes a person can make is to get involved with another person on the basis of passion alone. If the component of love is absent in a relationship, devastating things can happen. Just because someone is a great lover in bed doesn’t mean that they will be easy to live with at all. A very passionate person is still capable of unspeakable cruelties, thoughtless sayings or even hateful abandonment. Even though they may express wild passions for you on the spur of the moment, if there is no love there, you will surely be hurt by them. By the same measure, you will certainly hurt anyone else for whom you have passion, but no love. Stay away from passion that is not bounded by love.
Love is essential to the success of any relationship. It is the force that holds two people together while they sort out their differences. Love is the C-clamp and it is the glue. If you love, you will be forced to be patient while the glue dries. Love will not always hold things together, but if anything can, it will. Love is the last and best chance at sealing a relationship.
Love will expose you to rejection and hurts. Your attempts at loving someone will not always be appreciated or received kindly. Your motives may not be understood or believed. When you set forth to love someone, they may think you are acting out of ulterior motives. You may be accused of wrong doing or wrong motives. When you love you are your most vulnerable to hurt. Sharing your love is the most expensive thing you will ever do. It can either be the most rewarding effort or it can be the most devastating endeavor. Nobody is happier than a person in love. Nobody is sadder than one whose love has failed.
If you invest yourself in someone, and give them your very best, and they respond positively to your love, you will experience unspeakable gratification. If, however, you invest in someone, and give them your very best, and they do NOT respond positively, perhaps they do not respond at all, or they respond negatively, it is likely to be one of the most painful experiences of your life.
People who have failed at love often resist the notion of loving again. To the person who has been hurt, love is perceived as the source of their great pain. Rejection is a deadly monster that nobody wants to live with. Loving people sometimes become self-destructive when they feel their love is being spurned.
But if you will be a real lover, you must confront the risk of rejection with a belief that love will not always fail. Love may fail with one person, but it will succeed with another. If the rejection if coming from a spouse, then there must be a strong belief that love is still the answer and that persistent love will eventually conquer all. When one person devotedly gives unselfishly to another, if that effort is genuine and well-intended, it is virtually impossible that there will not be a positive result. If you persistently contribute to a person’s well-being, the likelihood is that they will eventually become accustomed, if not addicted, to your positive contribution to their lives. If the one who is loved finally recognizes that you are only good for him or her, you have accomplished the real purpose of love. Love is the prerequisite to endearment.
Love can build a bridge across great divides. Love is more powerful than any other force, because love stands for the best interest. Love will only do good. Love will do no evil. Love is the most irresistible force known to humanity. Loving an adversary is like pouring fiery coals on their resistance. They must eventually respond in some way. Love does only good and thereby creates a debt of gratitude. If a person refuses your love, it may be that the reasons are irreparable. It may be that they have chosen the love of another over your love. People who are in love develop a symbiotic relationship eventually. Each draws life force from the other. There is a mutual support system that emerges. If a person is substantially different from you in their values and lifestyles, they may resist your efforts to love them for the simple reason that they do not want to be engaged with you. They do not want your values or your lifestyles imposing upon their own. In such a case, it is best to abandon the pursuit. Be not unequally yoked with a person of radically different values or lifestyles.
What is the purpose of love? Love is the desire to enhance another. God is love. God is the desire to improve the universe. He blesses all of creation. He builds, he strengthens, he helps - all the while he is being resisted, rejected and ignored. God loves us. That means he wants to do us good. If we reject him, it is because we do not want his ways or his lifestyles. It is because we have deluded ourselves into believing that our way is better than his way. Unfortunately, there is no way to prosper outside the blessing of God. To reject God’s love is to reject life.
If we do not handle love rightly, then everything else will be out of kilter. If our lives are not motivated by love, we are certain to become corrupted, contaminated and diseased by lesser forces. If we do not love our spouses, our children, our families, our fellowman, then we have given ourselves to their demise. The failure to love is a form of abandonment. It says I don’t care how you turn out. It says your life is unimportant to me. It says I am selfish - I don’t want to be involved in your well-being. God requires us to love every man, because in doing so, we become partners with God in the saving and redeeming of the human race. When we love our neighbors, we are allied with God in salvaging the human race. When we love our children, we are allied with God in the saving of our children. When we love our spouses, we are allied with God in the saving of our spouse.
When we do NOT love others, we place ourselves at odds with God. We are neglecting or destroying what God is trying to build up. We are ignoring a cause that is uppermost in the mind of God. Husbands should love their wives. Wives should love their husbands. Parents should love their children and children should love their parents. People who neglect their own under the guise of becoming benevolent or humanitarian toward the general public are failing to recognize that love must begin within the innermost circles of our lives. It is illogical to think that we can help society at large while we are neglecting our most fundamental responsibilities toward our own family and friends. If the circle of love always began at home, the ripple effect would be enormous. Every loving couple is an inspiration to other couples within their circle of influence. Every dysfunctional couple is a detriment to their circle of influence - whether it be a detriment to the children of a divorce, or broken family ties, or the impact on the community at large. It is foolish to think that we can show love in the public venue while neglecting love at home without getting caught in our hypocrisy. Everybody on your job may love your smiley face and your cheery ways, but if you are a monster at home, be sure your sins will find you out.
Do you love someone? We should all love one another. We love our families, our friends, our brothers and sisters in the church. How do we best love?
Love begins to be expressed when it is formulated in the heart. Love begins with a thought. Love looks at a subject and creates an interest. Love looks at a person and says, “I like that person, and I want to be good to him or her.”
Love cannot function in an environment of prejudice. You cannot love someone for whom you feel antipathy or aversion or repugnance. You cannot help someone you refuse to understand. You cannot help someone you have judged unworthy. You cannot love someone whom you disdain for their appearance. You cannot love someone whom you dislike because of their upbringing. You cannot love someone you resist because of their lack of grooming. You cannot love someone you are jealous of, whether you are jealous of their looks, their financial status, their popularity with others, their education or social standing, or any other reason.
It is grossly unjust to limit your love to those with whom you get the best rapport. You must not limit yourself to loving only those who think like you, dress like you, act like you. You must love all people of all kinds in spite of whatever distastes you may experience.
What do you do when you love? When you love, you care. You show you care. You think caring thoughts. You commit yourself to caring. You refuse to stop caring even if they don’t care if you care.
Love dwells where dislike would never go. Love penetrates hostile environments. Love reaches out. Love does favors that will never be repaid. Love shows appreciation for things that go unnoticed. Love runs errands. Love expects nothing in return. Love’s reward is to see others prosper. Love seeks not its own, but the good of others. Love makes a man build up his wife. A loving man nourishes his wife, as a loving woman nourishes her husband.
Love doesn’t seek to destroy. Love doesn’t condemn or show harshness. Love is kind. Love is tender. Love accentuates the positive. Love is not hate. Love does not hate. Love doesn’t put a microscope on your faults, it puts a microscope on your potential. Love forgives faults. Love sometimes turns a blind eye. Love allows space for improvement. Love tolerates a lot of things that would otherwise be intolerable. Love bears with people that nobody else would bear with. Love gives second chances. Love gives third and fourth chances. Love leaves the door unlocked and the porch light on. Love will meet a prodigal half-way. Love will give up its own bed. Love will celebrate a victory, even if it is a small one. Love wants it all to work out, and will spend everything to make it happen.
Love rejoices when others prosper. Love doesn’t demand equal time. Love doesn’t require equal pay. Love works for free if it has to. Love never gives up. Love clings to the ideal. Love persists through all adversity. Love believes in and hopes in things. Love tries really hard. To love is to be like Christ. Not to love is contrary to Christ. There is no greater love than to lay down your life for someone else. In your dying, they live. In your forfeiture, they win. In your passing they are sustained. In your deprivation, their needs are met. In your hunger, they are fed. In your want, they are filled. Love will stay when self-preservation would leave the room. Others’ needs compel love to stay on the job, when otherwise you would quit.
Love compels a mother to cook dinner even though they complained about the last meal. Love compels a father to the job even though hostile forces are working against him. Love compels a preacher back to the pulpit even though his message has been rejected by 99 out of 100 people who have heard him preach.
You can be religious. You can go to church. You can sing in the choir. You can teach a Sunday School class. But if you don’t live by love, you are a sounding brass and a tinkling cymbal. You can drive a nice car and live in a nice house but if you don’t love others, your life is a selfish disaster just waiting to happen.
But if you are a master at love, you will be happy even if life dishes you one trial after another. If you are a loving person - yes, if you are a LOVER - you are what God made you to be. He that loveth not, knoweth not God.
If God were only hate, He would have no faithful followers. If God did not love us, we would not have pled His cause through the centuries and millennia. It is the love of God toward us that has endeared Him to us. If He had not loved us while we were unlovable, we would have ignored him has soundly as we have all our other enemies. But God’s love for us is the glue that holds us to Him.
Every one of us will eventually pass from this life. When we are gone, everything we have accumulated will be lost. We can’t take houses, land, cars, furniture, collections, art, money, or anything else. Most of the things we have stored in our attics and garages will probably be thrown away. Our clothes will be given away. Nobody will listen to our CDs or read our books.
It won’t take long until everything we ever were is gone and forgotten - with one exception. We will continue to live in the hearts of those we have loved. If we have loved God, we will find ourselves forever in His bosom. And if we have loved others, we will be remembered fondly forever by those we have loved.
If we have failed to love, we leave nothing behind.
In that, I wondered what it would be like to be a man as cruel as you so, thinking of you, I wrote this:
I can see your eyes flash as I enter the room. You look exquisite, as always. The sight of your naked body sends a thrill through me, amplified by the sensitive position in which I find you.
Your hands are shackled together, and chained to the hook above you, straining your arms. You are seated, precariously balanced on the edge of a high stool, your toes barely touching the ground. The delicate rise and fall of your breasts, the subtle straining of your arms in bondage, the slight twisting of your body as you struggle for balance. . . all of these things make my face flush with heat, and my cock harden.
I remove my robe, and let it fall to the floor. I wear nothing underneath-no barriers to interfere with our rituals. Slowly, I walk towards you; you watch me the whole way. You almost smile at my approach; you’ve always loved these tests.
Reaching you, I lean in, and gently kiss your lips and eyes. Our tongues play together as I stretch out my hand to touch you. You shiver slightly as I run my fingertips along your right breast, and gasp as I stroke your nipple. Your gasp turns into a moan as I pinch your nipple between my finger and thumb. I roll it slightly, my tongue still dancing against yours, and lower my other hand to your cunt. I slip a finger inside you-you are dripping wet, and burning hot. The scent of your sex reaches me, and I tremble with lust. I draw out my finger, and suck your fluids off of it.
For the first time, I look into your eyes.
I’m waiting. You know the word.
Your gaze is defiant.
Your lips are silent.
Returning my hand to your thighs, I find your hardened folds. I grasp it, and pinch hard. I have the fleeting satisfaction of hearing you cry out in pleasure and pain, and feeling you writhe under my touch. For a brief moment, you almost lose your balance, but you recover yourself quickly.
I release your nipple from my grip, still applying pressure to your precious orb. I bow my head, and take your sore nipple into my mouth, gently sucking. I alternate the pressure on your clit and the suction of my mouth. After a few moments, I move to your other nipple, working it with my lips and tongue. I give equal attention to each of your luscious breasts, increasing the pressure on your special spot. I can hear your breathing grow ragged and rushed. Quickly, I yield the pressure on your body. I dip two fingers into the folds of your cunt, feeling an impossible wetness under my hand, and wet your clit with your own juices. I let my fingers fly lightly over your clit, rubbing it, and watching you as you approach orgasm.
But I know your body as well as you do. As you near the edge of climax, I grip your legs with my hands, and hold them apart, spread wide. You rock your hips in vain, trying to find some chimerical friction, some sensation, anything that will take you over the edge. There is nothing there, though, except for your throbbing clit, and your hungry, flooded cunt, open to the world.
Gradually, you calm down. Your body is flushed and covered in a thin sheen of perspiration. I release your legs, knowing that you have passed the imminence of orgasm.
Again, I look into your eyes, and wait.
Again, you are defiant.
Again, you do not speak.
I kneel down, and pick up the razor sharp scalpel from the floor next to me. It is your toy of choice; you like the elegance of the handle, and the flexibility of the thin blade. Tonight, you will be the subject of your own tastes.
You hold very still as I straddle your hips. I know that the strained position of your arms must be making your task difficult, but you are it’s equal. Gently, slowly, with an almost imperceptible pressure, I touch the tip of the knife to your left breast. With caution and care, I push down, and am rewarded by a welling of blood under the point of the blade. Slowly, with indescribable pleasure, I draw the tip down the curve of your breast, leaving a long line of red along your immaculate skin.
The sight of the blood makes my vision cloudy with desire. I force myself to remove the knife, and I bend my head to your breast. I run the tip of my tongue up that exquisite line of red, tasting you. Wetting my lips with your blood, I kiss you, letting you share with me.
After gathering myself, I turn to your other breast. Again, I ply the knife, and draw forth a delicious streak of red. You have remained silent and still during my tender caresses, though your glittering eyes betray pain and ecstasy. The look you give me makes me weak.
The blood has started to drip down your body. I watch the progress of a single drop as it gently rolls down your stomach, and snakes down to your thighs.
And still you are defiant.
And still you do not speak.
And now I am trembling.
I move from you, and kneel down between your legs.
I press the flat of the knife blade to the smooth, shaven skin above your cunt. The cold touch makes you start slightly. My own breathing is rough as I again press the point of the knife into your body, just breaking the skin. Again, blood drips from under the blade. This time, I make three short cuts, and watch as the three crimson lines of blood drip together into one thin trickle, slowly wending it’s way down to your sex.
I place the knife on the floor, and lift your legs so that they are on my shoulders. I watch the drip of blood run over the lips of your pussy, an intense red against your lovely pink. I am shaking with anticipation now, and I press my lips to your cunt. Your mingled blood and juices reach my tongue, and the taste sends shocks through my body, from my mouth to my hard, straining cock. Eagerly, I devour your sex, sucking and licking at your pussy and clit, overwhelmed by the taste and scent of you. The pleasure is too intense; tears fall from my eyes, mingling with your wetness. I lick and suck and drink from you, on and on, until you start to cry out in pleasure. Hearing your moans is enough to bring me to my senses, however briefly. With whatever will I have left, I tear myself from your cunt, and stagger to my feet, to look into your eyes one more time. I know that I must be a fearful sight-face red with your blood and wet with your juices, cheeks stained with tears, eyes half-crazed with lust.
And still you are defiant.
And still you do not speak.
But now, I am broken.
I finally yield. With a dry voice, I say the word that brings it all to an end. Hands shaking, I undo the manacles, and set you free. You throw your arms around my neck, kissing me hungrily. I pull away, and again drop to my knees. Once more, I push my face to your sex, licking the length of your soaking slit, sucking on your clit. This time, I have no intention of stopping, and I feel your hands in my hair, pushing me into you, urging me onwards. You are screaming now, crying out, gripping me with your thighs, until you finally convulse in orgasm, dripping a cascade of fluid into my waiting mouth.
Immediately, I stand, and move between your legs. With a hard thrust, I push my cock into you. You wrap your legs around my waist and your arms around my neck, as I take your full weight. I use my hands to support your back as we rapidly rock back and forth together, each motion pushing me deep into your pussy. You pull yourself up to me, your arms wrapped tight around me, so that your breasts are pressed against my chest. I can feel the wetness of your blood mingling with my sweat, our slippery bodies sliding against each other. You bite down on my shoulder, hard enough to draw forth my own blood. The pain is an exquisite release; with a scream, I snap my hips into you, ready to burst. As I approach my climax, you lean back slightly, and use one hand to rub your clit frantically. You orgasm just as I erupt into you, flooding your cunt with my fluids.
Slowly, you untwine your legs from my waist, and stand next to me. I am exhausted. Carefully, we sink to the floor, lying side by side, still holding each other. You smile at me, and kiss my face as I did yours.
We pass all tests. I am bound to you, forever.
Sometimes I like to imagine the glass cutting against the raw bone of my skullcap, as I’d plunge through the windshield. Maybe a few shards would find their way into my eyes, blinding me forever and banning me from further Internet access. Never seen a computer with a Braille screen before.
Sometimes I wonder what it’d be like of they had to amputate my hands. Like what would happen if the Chevy smashed my cuticles under 2 tons of solid steel going about 70 on the highway? A worse-case nightmare. How do you write without hands?
Sometimes I like to think that I’d be the hero. The one to save the day despite the pain throbbing in my body. Despite the shard sticking out my eye socket and the two broken legs that’d most surely have to go, I’d somehow find a way to be the hero.
Sometimes I think that maybe my dad would die from the accident. Or maybe I’d save him so he wouldn’t die. I rarely imagine my own death, and when I do it’s really hazy, never clear or concise like everything else. My death doesn’t seem to matter as much as my dads. I think it’s because he did something with his life while I just sat around on my bulbous behind musing on things that didn’t really involve making the dead presidents walk themselves into the family piggy bank. His life would be much more reminisced than mine, though he’d never ever admit it.
Sometimes I like to think about my mother’s reaction to my dad’s death.
Sometimes I like to imagine that I’d be the one to have to deliver the terrible news. I can often see them standing there in that white walled urban-legend corridor, nurses and doctors running back and forth through a heavy spawn of traffic as my mom and brother just stand there, blank and numb to the rest of the world. I can often see her-my mom-riddled with that frown upon her face that I hate so much. The one that tells all the pain that she hides from me and my brother. The one that I’ll really never come to understand. And of course I like to imagine that she’ll hug my brother and me, nearly suffocating us in an attempt to never let us go. We’ll probably reflect in that hallway about how great a man my dad was. A larger than life figure that could do anything, did anything.
Sometimes I imagine that I’d write about it and become famous. Or maybe I’d already be a famous writer and it’d only become a great spectacle for the press. The former is more possible, but my mind becomes quixotic with the possibility of the latter. To have the same kind of coverage as Stephen King would be a dream. Not for the attention, really. Just the knowledge that someone is going to remember me after I die and go away. Someone is going to be told that I really did exist.
Sometimes I come to the conclusion that this is the real reason I write in the first place. Acknowledgment after death. I never gave a damn about it during life, but I want it after I die, my own way of leaving my little mark in the world. My own way of becoming immortal.
Sometimes I like to think that I’ll be thinking about this as my brain goes squish against the solid bone of my inner cranium. Maybe I’ll wondering if I’d have really left a big enough mark to be noticed with all the other marks left in the world by careless people. As the eyes go dark and the banshee cries within me, rattling the pain that throbs every ounce of flesh I own-attached or no-I become terrified. Forgotten among the thousands of others who’ve tried and died. Who’ve never tried at all.
Sometimes I can’t help but scream when the little ghosts-the muses-come to tell me what I didn’t want to know. All that have become great have died trying to become such. Never is one great until he dies trying. A great man never stops trying to be great.
Sometimes I think I can understand that, even when the solid steal of ‘ol Birdie welds herself into my crumpled deformed and inhuman looking legs. Other times I wonder if I’d want to be great at all. To stand tall in an endless sea of wannabes, those deformed and faceless spirits raging with their jealousy, and all the while meaning to be well with their words and pretty little sentences. ‘Look at me, I made a nice looking pie.’ Filled with rat poison and decayed, rotting worms. ‘Look at me. I’m great. I’m alive. I’m the wannabe.’
Sometimes I wonder if there’s a difference between the two.
Sometimes I wonder if I’ll know when the doctor tells me that my hands are gone. ‘Ha ha, never will you write again.’ But then I’ll find a way. The great men have always died trying, after all.
I have to take a minute or three to compose myself. I think I'll write about the wonderous world of bdsm. So many misconceptions that you alone, dear Leo, could never understand, so, I write what I know...
This brief (i hope) selection shall give you a rather personal view on D/s as I've researched. I've been a dominant for a couple years, and I'm still learning... Not by the book, by myself. As far as I'm concerned, books only can teach you the handiwork, the how-to... but in the end everyone has to find their own way. And that's
best done uninfluenced by print media. It's a biased view I'm giving you here, biased on my personal experiences and on what I have learned. It's about the theoretic of D/s as such. If you want a how-to on using toys and techniques, find some BDSM FAQ. If you're interested in the psychological background of D/s, you're right here. I don't claim to be perfect. I don't claim to know everything. What I'll tell you is what I have found works for me though. Maybe it will be of help to you in finding your own way.
The MISCONCEPTIONS
We all have our stereotypes and imaginations about D/s and what's called the 'scene', right? Leather clad gay boys and whip-whacking dominatrixes...
1> D/s=Abuse and violence (and I'm not talking about the time you THREW me to the ground!!!)
Violence. Abuse possibly... That's what cheap porn and B-movies teach us, that's what we can maybe even laugh about.. or are disgusted by. Forget Gor and Story of O. Real life D/s isn't all like that. Violence has no place in D/s. Abuse has no place. Period. A healthy D/s relationship is consentual and full of love and trust and respect like any loving relationship. And most 24/7 D/s relationships are 80% the 'vanilla' relationships we know. It's those 20% leftover that add fire
and spice to it...
2> Roles
The dom's always a guy and the sub's always a girl, ri-iight. That's one of the most often heard stereotypes about D/s... D/s behavior is independent of gender. It's a personality thing, that's all. There's kickass female doms out there and really good male subs...
3> Doms are beefy machos
Erk..somewhere I've heard that one before. To be a dom you have to be a muscle-packed bully. Ri-iight. Dominance has nothing to do with physical strength, it's entirely a personality thing. You cannot measure the quality of a dominant by their physical attributes. And since we're at it, a dom doesn't need a big harem to be a good dom. Don't judge a dom's quality by the number of subs they have. It's a lot more fulfilling to give your attention to just one sub. It builds a lot more trust...
4> Subs are weak
Sure, subs are weak...and pigs can fly. Again, being a sub is a personality thing, and it's pretty independent of other personality traits at that. Never assume that subs are weak or less worth or
anything... It takes a great deal of trust, respect and often love to submit to someone... Don't cheapen those values. It takes a lot to put yourself into someone else's hands...
5> Slaves are public property
Ugh... another common misconception... Only because someone has submitted to someone else, this doesn't give anyone else the right to 'use' them, to hit on them and try and dominate them. Submissives are not public property. They're under the protection of their dominant, and a good dominant will make sure not to hurt the trust the sub is putting in them. In return, a sub always submits to one dominant, not to all doms in general. Because it takes respect and trust to truly submit... and how can you trust total strangers?!
DOMINANCE
What makes a dominant? Is it physical strength? Does being an egocentric macho guy built like a truck make you a dominant? No way. Dominance isn't a physical quality, it's a personality thing. And being a dom certainly doesn't mean bullying girls into submission and getting an ego kick out
of it. That's cheap porn movie stereotypes. So...what does it take to be a dominant? As far as I'm concerned, there's three main qualities every dom needs:
1> Patience
Be patient. If something doesn't work out the way you want, give it another try, and figure out why it failed. Find solutions. Use your brain, it's a dom's most important tool. Be patient with yourself AND with your sub. Neither of you starts out perfect. There's no perfect doms out there, and no perfect subs either. Just matching couples. So.. live and learn, step by step.
2> Self Control and Maturity
As a dom you want to take control of your sub's life. How can you possibly do that if you don't even have yourself under control? Keep your temper down, think about your actions... Show confidence in
yourself and in your sub. Confidence can surround a good dom like an aura. It's part of the power flow between the two partners of a D/s relationship.
3> Reasonability and Responsibility
Stay down to earth! Don't expect impossible things from your sub! As a personal guideline, I'll never ask a sub anything I wouldn't be perfectly willing to do myself. It's a good safety mechanism to use. So.. be reasonable in your orders, think about the consequences before you issue an order. Remember that your sub trusts you, and that you take responsibility for your sub. Don't disappoint them!
There's a lot more points that all together are important to what makes a good dominant. Those are the main ones as far as I'm concerned. And always remember, be true to yourself! Listen to what your mind tells you, and listen to your sub.
SUBMISSION
'You're a submissive, so you have to serve me because I say so'. I've had to cope with enough people with that attitude. I call them 'wannabe doms'. Because that's exactly what they are. You cannot just EXPECT submission from anyone, possibly a stranger. True submission is GIVEN, not taken.
It's probably is the greatest gift a sub can make to their dominant. It never can be enforced, it cannot be taken for granted, it's something that has to be earned and valued. It's a sign of deep respect and trust, and possibly love. And it's given selectively. Only because someone submits to one person doesn't mean they will or have to submit to everyone. Three things I value in a submissive:
1> The willingness to serve
I don't expect perfection from a sub... Nobody is perfect. What I want to see is that honest efforts are made, that the sub is TRYING their best to fulfill given orders and fit into the role 24/7.
2> A sane and creative mind
A dom should be creative. So should a sub! Little surprises, gestures of affection.. All those things you expect from a vanilla relationship too are important to an D/s one as well. Don't just receive, give!
D/s is a two way road, it takes work from both partners. And a sub should know when to say No. Nobody likes 'I'll do anything, sir' doormats.
3> Loyalty and honesty
If I ask a sub a question, I expect a honest answer. Yes, that might include embarrassing topics... but that's part of the power flow between the sub and dom, it keeps things alive. If another dom hits on my sub, I expect a no as an answer... Submission never should be given to everyone around you, it's a sacred gift..and it should be something special between the dom and their sub, something reserved only for them.
DOM/SUB vs TOP/BOTTOM
What's the difference? I'll try and make it clear: The dom is the one issuing orders, the sub is the one following them. The top is the one performing an action, the bottom is on the receiving end...
A dom doesn't have to be a top. As a dom I could order my sub to give me a backrub.. and they'd be the top while doing so. Dom/Sub and Top/Bottom are independent of each other. Historically the Top/Bottom term has its roots in the gay scene, by the way.. while D/s exists as such independent
of sexual alignment...
PETS vs SLAVES
Here and then I get asked what the difference between a pet and a slave is. As far as I'm concerned, it's the degree of submission that varies, and the closeness of the whole relationship as such. Where a slave might earn a stern look, a pet will get away with it... A pet can turn down any given order for any reason, with no consequences and only has to submit when they feel like it, while a slave is bound into the relationship and has a fixed role.
LIFESTYLE vs. SCENE
The D/s crowd divides into two big groups. The lifestylers who actually live D/s are are together with their sub 24/7, and the sceners who only meet for playing together... I tend to be pro-lifestyle and contra-scene- only. Why? Well.. how can you possibly submit to someone you only meet for playing? How can you possibly TRUST them? Scene-only D/s is a little like casual sex. You never know what you get..and worst case it's a very unpleasant surprise.
TRAINING
Train your sub! Try and prevent boredom from coming up, set up a regular training schedule... Talk with your sub and determine where you two want to work and improve, and how... Or, if you know your sub well enough, surprise them. Keep it interesting, provide diversity. Not to mention that regular training will help your sub to serve you better. This can start with simple kneeling poses, like a greeting pose, or a casual side kneel your sub can slip into when you two are together. Don't use force to train your sub... Address natural instincts, reward good behavior... A well trained sub will react to small gestures.... and a good dom will be able to guide their sub with the wink of an eye.
The high school of training are slow behavior modification and reflex conditioning. The best example of it is orgasm-on-command training for instance...since climaxing is a reflex and can be reconditioned... And you imagine what a powerful feeling it is to give your sub a real, wet orgasm by merely breathing a single trigger word into her ear while you're holding her in your arms?
RITUALS
Little rituals and regulations are important for a D/s relationship. That can start with getup rituals in the morning and ends with bedtime. Be creative, think something up. That starts with the collaring ceremony, which I like to repeat once a year to renew all bonds. That goes over a dozen different kneeling poses for different situations. That includes daily rituals like the blindfolding at night, or get-up rituals like showering together in the morning. Everyday stuffs, spiced up within the context of D/s. Rituals tell your sub what to do in which situation, give them a way of expressing wishes and feelings without having to say them out loud, give them the feeling to have done right, make it easier for them to please their owner... So set up a whole mesh of rituals and rules that will accompany you and your sub through the entire day. A set of step stones to go everyday. It gives a feeling of belonging together and it provides a lot of security for the sub.
PUNISHMENT
Sometimes, in rare situations, a sub might need to be put in place. Yes, it happens... and it's not easy. I prefer a rather slow approach to punishment, never punish easily.
There's a few general guidelines:
1> Only punish if necessary!
Everyone slips up here and then! Remember that. So, if your sub fails an order, take them to your side and talk about it, find out what happened and why, and work out together how to improve. Only repeated misdemeanor needs punitive correction.
2> Never get physical!
Never beat your sub. Never hurt them in anger! Never let it get to a point where your sub is AFRAID of you.. because FEAR has no place in a D/s relationship! Work with reward rather than punishment.
Regularly use little, affectionate gestures to make your sub feel they've done right, and just ignore them if they act up bad or fail an order. In most cases that suffices... Remember that you cannot
enforce submission. That the sub is serving you willingly. And that you have to make them want to serve you.
3> THINK before you act!
You certainly don't want to just punish away! Think up an effective way of punishment. Attention withdrawal works wonderfully! If you take your sub the ability to please, you deprive them of actively being a submissive... So... Put your sub on attention withdrawal for a day, or 3 days if you want to punish... Don't talk to them a single word, just ignore their presence. Be patient! Sooner or later they'll come to you and apologize... And mean it too. Maybe ask them to write a letter about their failure, about what happened, and what they can do to prevent it. A thousand words, by hand! Busy your sub's mind with why they're being punished! Make them think about it! Sometimes, in harsh cases, and only when your sub is psychically stable and doesn't easily get panic attacks, you CAN try to
put them on sensory deprivation. Tell them to think about their failure. Then tie them up, blindfold and gag them, and plug their ears. Leave them like that for a few hours but do not leave the house!!! Stay at the same room or next door and work, or watch TV, read a book.. Whatever strikes your fancy. But stay close!
COLLARS & MARKS
I've found many 'vanilla' furs to dislike them... 'How can you wear this thing' they say. To me a collar is visible sign of being owned by someone, of being in a D/s relationship. It's is not an element of humiliation or restraint... It's a sign that there's someone who took you in and is taking care of you, that there's someone you're important to, someone who loves you... It's pretty much the wedding band of a D/s relationship... and should be something special... given during a collaring ceremony and worn with pride.
This goes for other marks as well... Piercings, tattoos, scars... It's important to take it slow on those due to their relative permanence. I know I wouldn't let a dom brand me if I was with them for just a few
months. I know I would let them do it and wear the mark with pride if it was several years we were together and the relationship is stable. Just an example. Keep in mind... Marks tell a story, tell of your past, of your life. They're part of you...and you don't have to be ashamed of them. Wear them openly and with pride.
SAFEWORD SYSTEMS
How can a sub say No? You always have to give them a way to back out of uncomfortable situations. And it's perfectly fine to safeword for a dom, too... It's an emergency break, and sometimes you do need it. Not often, and the better you know each other, the less you'll need it... but it's gotta be there. I have found two safeword systems to work just fine for me.
1> The Traffic Light System
This one works especially well 'in-scene', when you're actually holding a training session with your sub, no matter what that kinda training you practice. If the sub calls Yellow, slow down a bit... Red means stop. Scene's cancelled. Something bad happened..and it's your task to figure out what, together with your sub. If you want to disguise the use of safewords a little, negotiate about replacement words for 'red' and 'yellow' you both can use... So....when to safeword? Generally I give a sub four valid reasons for safewording:
A> Their physical health is put at risk by an order.
If a sub has safety concerns about their health pertaining to any in-scene or training activities, that is a perfectly fine reason to safeword.
B> Their mental health is at risk.
Your sub's so seriously squicked by something they have to back out or will seriously suffer from it. E.g. Bring up bad past memories or cause flashbacks/nightmares... We all have a past. It's important to take that in consideration when training a sub.
C> Their financial health is endangered.
I prefer my subs to stay financially independent, whether it is them working daytimes, or me paying a regular amount to their bank account. This does not have to mean that the sub will have free access to all their monetary resources at all times.. but it means that there IS money, just in case... Back up yourself. Twice. And if any given order would put that financial padding at risk, it's perfectly fine to say No.
D> A given order is illegal by law.
No need discussing that. Don't compromise your sub. Don't make them do illegal stuffs. Period. Take responsibility for your sub.
2> The EqualsNow system
EqualsNow is a good safeword system for long term relationships. It pertains to the relationship as such, not just to training sessions or single orders. If the sub or dom feel uncomfortable inside the
relationship, both have the right to call EqualsNow. The time it's called, it means the relationship reverts back to 'vanilla mode'. No sub or dom, equal partners. The first time EqualsNow is called, this
'vanilla mode' lasts for the rest of the entire day. Enough time to work out minor problems. Should EqualsNow be called thrice a week, the relationship as such goes vanilla for one month. Because in such a case there's definitely something that has to be worked out and a few decisions to be met and changes to be made.
And always remember that you love each other, care for each other..and that you both want to make your relationship work. TALK, be open about everything that bothers you, and safeword situations can be avoided from happening...
HUMILIATION
An art many try themselves on but only few master is humiliation. Something many people don't understand is that humiliating a sub is NOT about hurting them or their feelings. It's about addressing their secret needs and desires in a very...subtle way. You have to know your sub for that, and you have to have some experience. Speech patterns, they way you use your voice to emphasize, the way you touch your sub.... It's about making them squirm heavily and blush in embarrassment, it's about making them admit to their deepest fantasies and desires in front of you, on their knees, hugging your
legs, embarrassed and crying...and yet loving every single moment of it, because you make them feel that you understand them, show them that you love them and what they do for you. Show that you value them and care about them....
S&M
Sadism/Masochism play is one of the harder playforms SOMETIMES found in D/s environments. It CAN be part of a D/s relationship or scene, but doesn't have to..because essentially S&M doesn't have to do much with D/s, the two exist entirely independently of each other. But to the experienced sub and dom it can be a rather powerful toy to play with. Enduring pain can be a very strong sign of submission, of showing your dom how far you will go just for them, that you will put them above your physical instincts... A second point to be taken in consideration is body chemistry, when talking
about S&M play. Have you ever been bitten during sex? So much it left a bruise? Did it hurt? The moment someone would have bitten you in an everyday situation so much it left a bruise, you'd have swatted them away. Why not while being intimate with someone? The keypoints are distraction,
and endorphins. Especially when aroused, your body easily releases them. They're a natural opiate, can literally make you high... Maybe you've heard the word 'painslut' before. That's exactly what I'm referring to. It's possibly to be high on pain, if that pain is given in the right context. It's like floating two inches above floor level, feeling all light and surreal... A strange, interesting feeling. So..keep an open mind and feel free to experiment. This can start with an easy spanking and go over paddling to caning.. This can include hot wax games and clothespins... This can go up to needle play/play piercing and cutting games, for the really experienced S&M player. Of course you NEVER should practice pain play with anyone who cannot prove their experience to you.. If you have the slightest doubts and don't trust them fully, back out of it! And always negotiate about safewords beforehand. Ohh..and make sure to work sterile in case your activities are going to break the skin. (needle play/playpiercing!)
PROPERTY
Is a slave their dom's property? Yes and no. Does that mean the Dom can do with their sub what they want? NO! Does that mean a dom can or should lend their sub to other doms to play with? Never! Remember that your sub has submitted to YOU and trusts YOU, not any other dom.. Don't break that
trust. Back to the 'Property' thought... Some subs like to be objectified, especially in-scene... but that varies and you NEVER should generalize it. Let the sub give themselves to you.. up to the extend they're comfortable with. This CAN lead up to the point that you'll hold their whole life in your hands, that they're your property, literally... but you never should try and enforce it. Let them decide if it's that they want, and take as much of herself as they give you.
FREEDOM through SLAVERY
It sounds like an oxymoron, doesn't it? Freedom through Slavery. But if you're the sub in a loving, close D/s relationship, if you have a good dominant, it means many of your everyday worries will just cease to exist. You'll be taken care of, decisions will be met for you, and for every problem you can go to your dom and talk with them... It means having someone you can rely on... Someone to take over the lead where you're not strong enough... So yes, if a sub commits themselves into a deep, loving D/s relationship, slavery can mean freedom. And I will always be your slave...
We have Thanksgiving coming up, (for those of you who celebrate it) which means lots of Turkey and food and family!
Then there is Christmas! (for those of you who celebrate it) which means more food and presents!
Of course there is Hannukah and that Muslim holiday also. So it's a time of celebration.
Then there is the NEW YEAR! And you know that's a night to party!
Stop dancing with your homegirls and come dance with me!
When you go out on Friday you say "Forget boys tonight - I just want to dance!" And so you only dance with your girls and cut any guy who approaches you. You're going to sit around a complain later about how you can never find any good guys so you have to stay at home on Saturday night watching Sex In The City, trolling Match.com and eating icecream.
Yuppitybich. You deserve to be alone.
Honestly what's it now days with people? Why is everyone so selfish? So hatefull?
I mean how can someone get off on the pain of others. And do it over and over and over again. What a sad sad exsistance. To have to hurt others to make yourself feel better.
I see this world going downhill so very very fast.
One of my best friends called me tonight, kinda out of the blue (since it was late - he usually doesn't call me past 8pm) to tell me he's now engaged. And I didn't even know he was looking to shop for a ring.
They haven't been dating for long, and she's done very little to endear herself to any of his friends, and I've seen considerably less of him now than before they met (even when he was in other relationships). Which makes it a lot harder to be genuinely happy for him. I mean, he's one of my best friends. He's like a brother to me in many ways. But I pretty much had to lie through my teeth when telling him "that's awesome!" when I'm really thinking "what the hell are you doing?!" And I'm not the only one in our group who's worried that he's getting married because everyone else around him is.
I hope he proves me wrong. I really do. But I have serious doubts.