It began when I noticed that he and one or two others were the best available choices for attraction in the limited population. As I became better acquainted with everyone, his status rose among even the two or three. I recognize the evolutionary patterns in my behavior, but that recognition changes nothing.
Throughout the months, we continued to get to know each other better, simply because we were often in close proximity due to the project to which we were both contributing. Continuous banter became a characteristic of the ''relationship;'' I could hardly call us actual friends, but we were more than just acquaintances. He was the only person I was even somewhat interested in at the time and for that reason my energy was more focused than it might otherwise have been. The fact that he paid attention to me helped, too.
I'm 95% sure that there was no reciprocating physical attraction, and I do not know whether his flirtation meant anything or not. There was physical contact, but that might have just been what he did in general; remember, we didn't know each other well.
I could never be involved with him, and I knew this at the time. Ideological differences can be a bitch. Still, he was the only real object of attention around, so my attention remained where it was.
I haven't seen him in six months. We have emailed each other perhaps five times in that duration. The project is long since completed, and I've changed careers anyway. There are more fish in the ocean, I have discovered, but even though my attention is being directed actively in new directions, I can't get him out of my mind. My emotions even perk up when I notice him log in to MSN.
Even if I discovered that my feelings were reciprocated, even if we had kept in touch, even if I had time for a relationship at this point in my life...
nothing could happen, I wouldn't allow it.
No matter how many times I remind myself of this fact, nothing changes.
Nothing has changed in six months, and I don't see anything changing anytime soon.
What do I do? How can I forget?
Make someones day today by performing a random act of kindness, or if you can't be stuffed doing that, at least say "Merry Christmas" instead of Hello when answering the phone. Put a little bit of sparkle into the world!
What the fuck is it between wives and mothers-in-laws?
Why does everything have to be such a fucking struggle over the tiniest of issues?
For fucks sakes stop acting like high school kids over this shit.
so here I am, 22, female, attractive,single, medical student, and totally unlucky with love.
One would think that I could settle down and pick any one of a half dozen eligible guys that are waiting at my doorstep. Not to be though.
I pick the one that can't be had. Yes, the guy is married.
I haven't even met face to face, yet. It's been strictly an online thing, a freindship that started over a year ago. Innocently started.
Me, miss perfect, would never consider messing with a married man...ha!...the very thought of it!
We've done the online chat thing and the webcam thing. I know what his voice sounds like although I've resisted actually speaking to him on the phone.
Yes, the friendship grew into more. I've never done the cybersex stuff, I actually think it's dumb, so our online relationship is more of a wonderful chemistry mix of blended admiration, respect, and pure conversation enjoyment.
I love the online guy. I realize there's more to love than just words on a screen though. So the next natural step would be to meet inperson. That's where the problems start.
He's wanting to meet. I'm the one holding back because the guilt feeling is stronger than lust for me. I doubt that meeting him in person would be purely platonic. He is very attractive and I know he finds me equally appealing. The resulting attractions would be rather explosive if we met. Meeting him face to face would make the lust completely forget about the guilt.
He's very clearly said that he's devoted to his wife. It's obvious that he loves her. I guess he just wants me as his toy? I've asked him what he wants from me; what's supposed to happen from here? He said that he can't say until we meet, but he wouldn't want to lose what he has with his wife.
Me = fuckbuddy, i guess.
I've got to give him up. there's no future in this. my fantasy would be that his wife falls in love with someone else, divorces my love so that he'll be free for me.
heh
i do have a brain, love is warping it, keeping it from working and clearly seeing the things i need to see.
he's been visiting the states (on business) and away from his wife for the past month. that was the perfect chance for me to take advantage, meet him, seduce him into falling completely head over heels in love with me. I know i could steal him away. I know my powers. but....
i can't use them.
right now, he's on a plane, flying back to australia for his christmas holiday. His wife is waiting for his arrival. i feel no jealousy, which is fortunate. I care about him enough to want him to be happy, even if it's without me.
He's coming back to the states after the holidays though; leaving his wife behind, and leaving himself vunerable to loneliness and wanting me even more.
i can't continue this... i just can't. gots to give the guy up.
No one in my life knows about me and the married guy so i have to deal with this on my own.
i guess i need to look more closely at the ones standing on my doorstep. There are some good, yummy ones, but they are not my wonderful, sweet aussie guy.
ah, the sadness.
A big thanks to the person who set this up. It feels good to vent.
Someone stole my car last night. I'm imagining it right now sitting in some back road burning, or even worse being used in some crime. I've done the responsible thing and reported it to the police (hoping desperately that it was towed) and now all I can do is wait ...
It's not an expensive car - in fact, it was probably the easiest car to steal in the carpark - but it's my car and whoever took it had absolutely no right to do so. I'd like to think that if I found out who it was I would give them the bash but I'm too kind natured for that. I hope something somes unstuck for them and they get their just deserts - or even better that they reform somehow and STOP DOING IT!
Oh, and to make things worse we're moving out of our flat tomorrow, but now we have no way of moving our stuff with us. Whoever you are, whereever you are, whatever your name is, I hope you're having fun - I really do - because when it comes to an end it's going to really hurt and you're gonna feel bad and perhaps you'll wonder what you did to get yourself in that position - and when (if) you do start to think, you better feel my pain.
Anyone who gets off on making a misery of others deserves to rot in hell. Grrrrrr!!! (yes, THREE exclamation marks!)
I've been stuck in a hellish job now for six months. I've been there for two years, but the last six months have been the bits that really seem like hell.
I've got a boss, he's a bonehead. Micromanagement is ok, I can put up with time-wasting people who know what they're doing. Stupidity is ok, I can ignore you.
Stupid micromanagement just pisses me off, not much more.
Been interviewing somewhere for a while... Pays less, but it's a much nicer place to work... nicer people, smarter people ... being smart is second-nature to the folks who work there. They're just an organization that moves slow in the decision-making process, and there's nothing wrong with that.
Other than the anxiety it makes me feel.
I want so much to be able to give notice where I work -- well, I really want to walk in, shout at the top of my lungs that everyone can wrap their lips around my member because I f'in quit, but that wouldn't work well.
I find myself checking the inbox on my "resume mailbox" far too often than can be healthy. Probably about three or four times an hour, looking for that note that says "they've finally decided, the wait is over."
Of course, that note could also just as easily say "the wait is over, but you're still stuck at your current hellhole. sorry, kid."
Got a note today... still in a holding pattern, still waiting, but they want more information about this and that.
"I am Jack's crossed-fingers, two on each hand."
So back I go... configuring Eudora to check my mail every 10 minutes, hoping that the information I gave them was enough.