OK, stumbled on this site the other night, never "blogged" before -- surprising since I'm a computer nerd. Anyway, here's some insite to why I'm so fucking strange. Don't know why I'm posti- ... bull, yes I do. Anway, a list of thoughts, emotions and general phycho-bs of where I'm coming from. Anyone else come close? Enjoy:
frustration
loneliness
thoughts at the edge of my mind impossible to see clearly
emotions I cannot describe
alone in a room full of people
always a watcher, never a participant
fear of being one of the masses
fear I cannot be myself ... who the hell am I anyway?
all things that should make me happy only work for a short time
no interest in keeping friends ... no, that's not right, more like: no interest in doing the work to keep friends, maybe I'm just selfish and lazy.
like to imagine myself leaving a positive mark, but having a bit of mystery, afraid I just come off weird.
need immediate gratification ... hard for me to wait for the payoff. If can't get it, I try to find some other kind of gratification some other way.
Like to think I'm part of some experiment and someday I'll wake up and this whole life will be some strange dream; not a nightmare exactly, just a bit disturbing. As if nothing is as it should be, including me.
Feel like everyone knows something I don't. Like they were all in some meeting that I missed. When you're in school and you look at seniors, it seems they've got it all figured out. But when you're a senior, you realize it's all bullshit. I feel like that all the time, and I'm in my 30s.
I want people to be happy, but it's exausting trying to keep them all that way.
I'm sure I've emotionally hurt a lot of people, but I didn't want to.
I'm afraid of dying, but I'm not afraid of death, and no I'm not suicidal. I'm too greedy for that. It's like leaving a movie before it's over: It may suck, but I still want to see what happens next.
Sometimes I think I'm in the wrong parallel universe.
Sometimes I wish I were a twin and my long lost brother would show up someday. Then I would have someone who gets it.
I am so scared of dying.
I'm not sick or anything, and I'm not old. Most likely I will not die soon. But I am terrified. What will happen to me? and even if I knew what would happen, I'd still be terrified. I try to existentialist about things but deep down inside I am just freaked out and not feeling philosophical at all.
Stuck in a foreign country with no friends except online, too paralysed by fear, booze and self-hatred to make friends or move, and I've learnt not to blog anything about it because it just worries people and is boring.
I mean, who wants to read someone endlessly whinging? Nobody. Christ, I wouldn't. So it's "only post the cheery or interesting stuff" and, if there's nothing even approaching cheery or interesting, post a few photos of random shit.
And meanwhile there's more and more booze. And I don't even have the excuse of being chemically dependent. I'm a crap alcoholic, I've got no tolerance at all, but I know, eventually, it will happen.
Should never have fucking moved here. I need to get out. I got over, I can leave again.
I am so cross. just want to be left alone.
Then there's my head. No not actual voices. I'm not that insane (yet)... but the guilt and the jealousy.
I cant rant on my blog.
At least here i can shout out and say FUCK YOU ALL AND YOUR MOTHERS TOO.
All those bastards who use and abuse me.
All those cunts who cant just let me lead my life the way i want to.
I so want to be free. Want to be able to get out of here.
I yearn for it.
The feelings i have in my heart are rediculous. They need to be banished. I'm jealous of someone that i dont even know.
I want someone to stop hurting me.
Doesnt he know he hurts me when he does things like that? When he writes things like that?
I want to be loved by a certain person, and it isnt likely to happen. And it hurts.
Oh FUCK
Anyone got an off switch?
Amand Smith, I can't stand the bitch! I swear if I ever see her outside of school again I'll fucking kill her. And my mom just made it ten times worse. There was this big party that my friend was having and she invited both of us. And I was waiting for them to go inside so I could get out of my car. So my mom calls Amanda over and says that she has to leave me alone. For those of you who know her, you know that just gave her more ammo. She made fun of me for everything thast I did, didn't matter, then she started a rumor that I was throwing up in the bathroom. I CAN'T STAND HER! I WANT HER TO DIE, GO TO HELL AND ROT FOR ETERNITY. She just doesn't know when to keep her mouth shut. I'm so gonna hear all this shit when I go to school on Monday. My mom thought she was helping, she thought I would be happy that she said something. I was so pissed! Yesterday I went to the fair with a friend and she was there she was on one of the rides and was yelling that I was a fucking cunt. She got almost everyon at the fiar to call me that. So for two hours I sat at the Shell gas station across form the arena and waited for my mom to pick me up. I'm tired of jer bullshit, one of is going to die, and it's probably not going to be her. I don't know what I did to piss her off so much but I did and now she won't fucking leave me alone. I swear I want to kill her, but if I do then I'll get in trouble. If I kill me, then I won't get into trouble.
Love always,
Angela
Life is sometimes good,but other times it just comes and smaks you in the face one thing is good and than all of a sudden it's bad,that ussaly how life is.WHy is life like this!?!I hate my life the only thing good is...I really dont think anything is good!Why does God let this happen? He said he loves us,and doesnt like when we're hurt, than why does he let this happen?
Okay so my life seems to be pretty good.
I'm healthy, fit, got a good job, have some money.. a bit of debt (but thats life, who doesnt)
Im in a seemingly perfect long distance relationhship.. (she said we could see other people, just not tell each other, and meet up again) and everythings fine.
she loves me, i love her, and this time i mean it when i say it, its really real.
she makes me feel like this could be it. or something along those lines.
we're both sensible enough to realise that this might NOT be it, and if that is the case, then its ok to move on.
but anyway, for most of the time im busy with my life, but happy.
But. Sometimes when im alone and im not doing anything i just want to hurt myself.
I want to cut myself or bang my head against the wall, or my wrists, or my fists.
just to feel something else, because the banality of life gets to me.
It just drags me down, i feel empty and apathetical, and i dont think anyone else outside of my .. mindspace would know that.
I don't want to die, i just hate feeling nothing, and i find i keep myself busy so i dont feel these moments of .. nothing-ness.
whats wrong with me? am i crazy?
Well, my life is odd to me. It's odd because it seems so perfect, yet I feel it's already over and now I'm just waiting for death. I'm not making any attempts to expand or acheive; I'm just here, taking up space, it seems (to me anyways). I'm not sure if it's all in my head or...well, it's gotta be..or..I don't know anymore. I just have no motivation whatsoever and I'm 20yrs old. It's like school was my life (k-12) and now that that's over with, what is left? I'm in the Navy and have already been to war in the Middle East, which is the only real thing I'm proud to have been apart of. But ever since coming back last September, I feel useless. I'm always asking myself "why am I here? What next?" There is so much I could be doing right now because I know I'm an intelligent person and can really have an impact on this world if I had the motivation.
My childhood, to me, was perfect. I love my family and my friends back home. My parents are the best in the world, nothing will convince me otherwise. I've never had to experience being teased, or molestation, or drugs. Shoot, the first time I ever got drunk was when I returned from the Middle East! I guess I could be stereotyped as one of those "Quiet, smart Mr. Nice/perfect guys who doesn't mess up EVER in life, but when he does, Shit hits the fan"--to me anyways.
That's also weird, I keep saying "to me anyways" a lot, don't I?? Sorry. This goes to show that all of my 'drama' is in my head. Most of the time, it's like there's two of me. I talk to myself all of the time, when I see something cool, when I'm solving a problem, etc. So I've grown accustomed to duking it out with myself over just about everything. I have these 'standards' in my head that I'm always holding myself up to. When people say "that's good enough", I'm tearing my guts out thinking "hell no! that's dogshit! fix it right now, stay late if you have to". Then I get all selfconcious about what the other person thinks of me wanting to work harder. That's another thing that pisses me off, is ALL OF THE LAZY FUCKS IN THE MILITARY THAT PISS AND MOAN ABOUT SIMPLE, EVERYDAY THINGS, LIKE CLEANING UP. THERE ARE SO MANY 'CHILDREN' IN THE MILITARY IT'S INSANE! But no one hears too much about them, not the masses anyways. Who cares, right?? I hate being the only one that does! That demoralizes me and makes me not want to move any further. I guess it would help if I had more confidence, too. There's another problem.
People scare me. Simple enough. I'm always shy around new people, which I hate to be, but it's the way I am, and it's hazardous to my future...if I should call it that. It's holding me down. That's what happens when you live a life of being the 'quiet guy'. When your job demands you to be authorative and you're the quiet one, you're screwed!
Maybe the military was wrong for me. It was the only thing I ever thought of thru high school. No college, no family, nothing else. Since my last option seems to be fading, what's left? Well, I could think of something else to do, but I feel it would be wrong to do so, I might 'get in trouble'.
I should've joined the Marines. All I want to do anymore, since I'm doing nothing, is to kill other people. Not worry about thinking or rules, or responsibility. I just want someone to say 'Fire'. Without worries of jail or consequence, it would be a good life. Sounds like Anarchy, terrorism. NO rules, worries about family, money, or at least my dumb idea of terrorism. If you think about it, most terrorists have their reasons, but I just want to kill people. Thank GOD for video games and good parents, and sex.
I like to think I'm a good person, but when I actually THINK about, I have no idea what others think of me. But should that matter? It's helpful to gauge how you're perceived by others in lots of different ways. Ugh, it's one of those mind-fuck things. Actually, for some reason, everyone thinks I'm a hard-charging, squared-away, by-the-book guy. It's tough believing that when I feel useless. Lots of times I just want to crash my head into walls and objects or curl up and die somewhere. This is odd cuz I guess I'm advancing pretty well for my age. I just don't care anymore. I'm getting a new position in my company because of my squared-awayedness, I think, but I never asked or even hinted for wanting something else. I don't know.
I don't know what to do. I'm just wasting away my time right now. I bet if I did kill myself no one would care, or I'd like to think that to make it easier. Maybe I just want people to feel sorry for me. WHAT THE HELL?? Okay that makes no sense but whatever...
Maybe I should stop bitching and do something. I talk about killing people but I know that helping people gives me a figurative hard-on. Saving lives or improving lives of others without regard to my own.
Another possibility!! I view my life as useless....maybe cuz I'd sacrifice it in a heartbeat for someone elses', knowing they'd live. A cry for attention?? "look at me, I helped someone, love ME!!!" Hmmmm....(for those just tuning in, this rambling is actually my though process, writing out loud). Maybe I should be a medic. Yeah, needles make me nervous, stabbing others, but I know I'd care for the Marines I'd be stationed with, cuz I'd be all they had, so I'd force myself to be the best, to be there for them.
Maybe I'm bipolar??
I think depression is kicking in. One second I want to save lives, another I want to take lives, then I want to take my own.. What is that???
I've been typing for a long damn time so I'll close for now. sorry if I made anyone dumber.
Bush is an asshole. He just is. Sorry, had to say it!