July 28, 2004
Another entry by a person who doesn't have enough courage to say out loud how they really feel
This seems to happen to me a lot:
I meet this great guy. He's fantastic--funny, smart, collected, talented at something and going to take his talent and make something of himself--and I fall head over heels. I do all the crazy girl things we've all done in our lives just to attract his attention. I wear cute clothes when he's around, I go to places I think he might be just so I can accidentally bump into him, I ask his opinion and help on things I could very well do on my own but that I would rather do with him. These weird semi-stalkeresque techniques seem to be working. We go out a few times and he meets my friends and I meet his. Then everything starts to go wrong.
My friends are fantastic people. They're smart and wild and amazingly unique. They're a blast to be around and I often describe them to others as the people I would like to grow up to be. So he meets one of them--Brenna, Jessica, Beth, Christy, Dana, etc--and suddenly we are hanging out and talking about them. Suddenly this girl friend of mine knows more about this guy I thought I was dating than I do. I find out that they're beginning to hang out without me and then suddenly, one day the three of us will be hanging out somewhere together and I'll realize it: I am now the third wheel--the unwanted person spoiling couplehood for a guy I'm madly in like with and a girl I have been friends with since I was 5.
Of course I'm hurt and upset. But the problem is I can't blame him. Like I said my friends are great. It really never surprises me that he finds them more exciting and is drawn more to them than me. They're great people. I can't blame my friends either. They only begin to be charming to this guy because they know how I feel about him and want to make him welcome in our closeknit group. And when they really do begin to be a couple I've assured them about 1,000 times that it doesn't bother me and that the guy never really meant anything to me (which is obviously a complete fabrication on my part meant to both save my pride and let one my closest and dearest friends be happy).
So the end result is that one of my best friends is dating a guy that I still wish I could be dating. Eventually I get over it and move on and then eventually the same thing happens again with a new guy. How do I get out of this awful cycle?? Do I go for stupid guys who would never realize the wonderfulness my friends have to offer or do I ditch some of the best people I've ever had the pleasure of knowing and find new, crappy friends that make me look great because they're such morons?
Neither really seems like a logical solution but I can't stand this happening to me again. It breaks my heart and makes me hate my closest pals and it's just awful...
July 22, 2004
The setting is right
It's kind of strange. Things started out ok in my life, and mostly got better. There always were friends around, understanding parents, a more or less clear goal for that time after school, falling love a few times (sometimes working out, and sometimes miserably failing, but that's ok - it's how it goes), starting university, making some money with little jobs on the side, I was happy. And I still should be, except I'm not. It' like I started freezing up. It started four years ago. I was really relishing life, I started to take things not as serious, because some magic had made sure, that things alsways work out in the end. It felt good, decelerating. I had been the youngest of my peers anyhow. However that has long since passed. I can't make out why it started. Did something happen at some point in my life that could be the cause? I don't think so. I just starting slowing down, and somehow couldn't speed up again. Now it's like in one of those dreams where you're being chased, and you want to run, but you're not getting off the spot - You're just excercising in Slow-Motion on the spot. That's how my life is. I am almost done with the university now. I have almost been done with University for 3 years now. But it won't finish - I won't finish. I don't know why. I remember having been smart, I still live off of the credit from those days, but thinking has become really hard, or rather concentrating. I used to read 2 books from cover to cover in a day. Now I can barely finish a chapter in a day - only with lots of re-reading and breaks. I am not sure half of it sticks in my head, though. I have a writer's block, except not for writing, but for living; Is there such a thing as a Living block? I worked and lived like a well greased machine, now there's no grease left. It need to use all my strength for barely keeping moving and doing the most mundane tasks. Yesterday I stood in from of the shower, naked. I should have gone in, but I didn't. I couldn't. The joints had locked. That was that. I was expecting the credits to start rolling. My heart to stop beating. Nothing happened. Happiness is gone, I am filles with emptiness - not sadness, though, because the setting is right, everything is still there, it is only me that has changed. When I am awake late, I keep trying to convince myself that tomorrow I'll be back to normal - I know what I have to do, and I think I should still be able to do it. I started lying to myself a year and a half ago. What else have I done the last couple of years? I don't know. Where has the time gone? I was just there. How long will I still be just there?
I want to get on with life. I think I'll start tomorrow.
Reggie
(no title)
It had been an airport dream. The only image she could still rescue from the blurred movie receding into the sky with last night was that of her own face, dark and without skin. It was a reflection in a window over the runway, blackened by night so that all she could see was a vaguely recognizable assemblance of herself. Or what her dreams showed her to look like. And she just kept looking in this window, not at the world outside the glass, but that of this floating face in an empty terminal. Sadness flooded her dream like it was just an empty hallway itself, waiting for anything to fill it. She held her breath and told herself that if she turned around, she would see people, a small man-made space crammed with busy people. But she could not pivot the way she intended to. She could not move at all. Her attention was glued on the window pane and no struggle or twisting attempt at release would win her back to the real world of an alive airport. And she awoke with just this captured picture and sickening want for something bigger than herself to wake up to every morning.
Sunday heard the garbage truck. Bottles clanked the day alive and she stretched her neck as she thought about how many people she would probably talk to that day. Probably 26 in passing, 6 for more than four minutes. This is meaningless, she thought and peeled back the sheet. I won’t think about this again for the rest of the day.
She was 4 minutes late as she locked the apartment door and scooped her hair into a fist to secure with a rubber band. Tomorrow I will feel less tired because tonight I will sleep more, she told her self. And then, this is meaningless, I’ve got little control over these things except what I think to make myself feel better. There wasn’t anyone in the lobby today and she buzzed through the empty
Soda or Pop
Do you say Soda or Pop? I used to say pop but then I started to say soda just cause it sounds weird where I'm from. I live in Minnesota where do you live?
July 21, 2004
The Rod of God Hath Smitten Fag America
THE CURSE OF GOD ON FAGGOT AMERICA - AMERICANS WILL EAT THEIR BABIES
THE AMERICAN ARMY IS A FAGGOT ARMY
PAT TILLMAN IS NOT A HERO - HE BURNS IN HELL FOR REJECTING GOD
AMERICANS WILL EAT THEIR BABIES
The Bible gives a warning which all Americans with babies ought to heed.You have hearkened "not unto the voice of the LORD thy God, to keep his commandments and his statutes which he commanded thee" (Deut. 28:45).
God Almighty lays out the curses He will bring upon any nation that fails to keep His commandments, and the greatest of those curses is that parents will eat their children (Deut. 28:53)!!! The accursed ones will be so sore pressed that they won't share their flesh with their husbands and wives, their neighbors and friends! They will hover over them like beasts!
And why shouldn't you eat your babies? You have sunk so low that you eat the poop of gays like it was the bread of life! You have no fear of "THE LORD THY GOD" (Deut. 28:58) any longer.
Dear Americans, it has occured in the Bible that God Almighty says "And I will cause them to eat the flesh of their sons and the flesh of their daughters, and they shall eat every one the flesh of his friend in the siege and straitness, wherewith their enemies, and they that seek their lives, shall straiten them." Jeremiah 19:9
I fear that the day is close when you will eat your babies. REPENT BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE
THE AMERICAN ARMY IS A GAY ARMY
"I don't know how the h* these people got into our army," -- Rep. Ben Nighthorse Campbell
We've been telling you for years that the people running your military were GAYs, dykes and perverts, and you ignored our warnings.
When you fill the army with GAYs and dykes and spit in the face of God, you have sown the wind, and shall reap the whirlwind (Hos. 8:7).
PAT TILLMAN IS NOT A HERO - HE BURNS IN HELL FOR REJECTING GOD
Pat Tillman could have used his influence for good, and instead, used it to promote the filthy American army; the same army that rapes little Iraqi boys. He got what he deserved!
WBC engages in daily peaceful sidewalk demonstrations opposing the homosexual lifestyle of soul-Da-mning, nation-destroying filth. We display large, colorful signs containing Bible words and sentiments, including: GOD HATES GAYS, GAYS HATE GOD, AIDS CURES GAYS, THANK GOD FOR AIDS, GAYS BURN IN H*, GOD IS NOT MOCKED, GAYS ARE NATURE FREAKS, GOD GAVE GAYS UP, NO SPECIAL LAWS FOR GAYS, GAYS DOOM NATIONS, etc.
July 19, 2004
Muddle your way to success through these 10 easy steps
Muddle your way to success through these 10 easy steps
Paul Mitchell
Sydney Morning Herald, 2003
They've gotta be kidding, those lurid self-improvement manuals screaming at us from their own special section of every bookshop whenever you go in for a quiet browse.
They all say the same thing: get up earlier so you can work longer, work out in the gym so you can work harder, plan in detail before starting anything so you can do things better, and exercise ruthless willpower in a relentless pursuit of objectives.
I find this sort of approach totally intimidating and suspect a capitalist plat by a consortium of overpaid chief executive officers to wring even more out of their workers.
I couldn't work this way, could you?
Here is my alternative for us slobs; a mothodology guaranteed to bring success in anything you might put a hand to - fixing a rickety chair, writing a novel or building an empire without too much exertion.
THE 10 PRINCIPLES OF MUDDLING THROUGH
(everyman's not so dynamic guide to success in everything):
1. NEVER PLAN: Planning is a boring, unproductive activity. Scientists have proved that life is too chaotic to plan anything successfully. Trying to make an effective plan is discouraging and an unnecessary waste of time. You may never do what you set out to do if you go down this road; the task will seem impossibly difficult and you'll give up in despair.
2. DREAM: Dreams are far nicer than plans. They can be enjoyed while you stay in bed long after all the planners have gone off to work. Just let fancies drift deliciously into your mind. Be excited by them but don't try to refine. Let the muddling process take care of the details later. And don't feel guilty - you've started work.
3. WARM TO THE TASK: Take a nice long shower where you can crystallise your dreams enough to contemplate starting. Take your time over this because once that glass door shuts behind you, it's a world of confusion and delusion out there. I suspect that under the shower is the only place to think constructively; not at the drawing board or staring at a blank computer screen at six in the morning. Enjoy a leisurely breakfast and maybe have a short stroll (none of this power walking). Now you are in the right frame of mind to start.
4. BEGIN: Go mindlessly to where you intend to work - at the computer, in the workshop or the garden. The crucial moment has arrived and we don't want to dither about, do we? Muddling is not to be confused with indecision. So - just start. Don't think about where; just do the first thing that comes into your head.
5. RESTART: After a few minutes it will become clear that you are on the wrong track and you will see where the start should really have been made. This is positive. You can now start all over again, this time in the realisation that you have muddled onto the right track. The process has started working for you. The bit done before will probably come in useful later anyway.
6. TRIAL AND ERROR: This is the core of the process. Proceed in any haphazard way that suits you. Don't be frightened of going wrong - nothing is wrong without the straitjacket of a plan. Having no preconceived plan gives you the flexibility to go blissfully down any new path.
7. PACE YOURSELF: The secret is a little at a time, frequently. Feel like a break? Take it. Six hours a day is enough for anyone; working longer is unproductive. You'll get lots more done this way than working long hours, and then never coming back to a task that now seems overwhelming. Have an afternoon nap.
8. LIVE WITH CLUTTER: If your desk or workbench gets untidy while you are at work, don't worry, just keep going. Being able to cope with confusion is a sign of superior intelligence. Wwhen it's time to do something else for a change, this is the time to sweep up or tidy the desktop. If you really feel like it.
9. THE WAY AHEAD: As the task muddles along, there will come a time when a shape emerges, the way becomes clear in a far more detailed and integrated way than could ever have been planned for. Go for it.
10. I can't think of one. I should never have planned for 10. See what I mean? That'll have to do.
July 14, 2004
Europe
So I never do much work at my job and yet my boss still loves me and goes on and on about how hard I work. Is it terrible that I work pretty hard for about 3 hours and spend the rest of the time surfing the net? (Incidentally that's how I found this blog!) The problem here is that this job is supposed to last me the summer so if I work quickly I'll be done too soon. But if I work slowly I screw my boss out of tons more money and I feel guilty about it. What to do? What to do?!?!? Gotta go he's coming into my office!!
July 13, 2004
Solar Flare!
The United States Department of Homeland Security has turned its attention towards the Sun this week in an attempt to determine the cause of some anomalous solar activity. President Bush has authorized a country-wide elevation of status to Yellow Alert until terrorist activity can be conclusively ruled out.
For the past two weeks, scientists have been reporting an unprecedented rise in the amount of solar activity coming from our Sun. This atypical activity began with a series of four flares on Oct. 22nd and ended 13 days later with the largest flare recorded since satellite observations began in 1976.
“It’s like the Earth is looking right down the barrel of a giant gun pointed at us by the sun… and it’s taken two big shots at us,” said John Kohl of the Harvard-Smithsonian Center for Astrophysics last week. Because the Sun reached the peak of it’s 11-year activity cycle in late 2000, scientists are at a loss to explain this sudden rise in solar flares. “I have not seen anything like it in my entire career as a solar physicist. The probability of this happening is so low that it is a statistical anomaly,” Kohl added.
It’s precisely that low probability that has the government worried.
“Since scientists can determine no astronomical reason why our Sun should be acting strangely, we have decided to use resources of our own to find a solution closer to home,” said Tom Ridge, Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security, in a White House conference today. “The president will be asking Congress to allocate more funds to our continuing War on Terror, and we are confident that history will judge us as being safe, rather than sorry.”
NOAA scientists confirm that such solar activity will likely result in noticeable repercussions here on Earth. One of the larger solar flares in the series resulted in a coronal mass ejection (or CME) of over two billion tons of solar material that was hurtled towards our planet. Even with the advance warning of the SOHO Spacecraft, installations here on Earth typically only have a few hours’ warning before the arrival of the highly charged particles.
The most noticeable result of these fast moving particulars coming into contact with our atmosphere is an increase in the colorful Northern and Southern Lights or Aurora Borealis and Aurora Australis.
President Bush said, “The impact on the American public by the effects of observable Aurora in the lower latitudes should not dismissed. Strange lights in the sky have always upset people that don’t understand what they’re seeing and it’s not inconceivable that an al-Quaeda or Islamic Jihad terrorist cell is engaging their own ‘Shock and Awe’ campaign.”
“Shock and Awe” refers to the war plan used by the United States against Iraq. In March, the greater American force struck cities and military installations with an unprecedented number of guided cruise missiles. By using overwhelming force, the plan focused on the psychological destruction of the enemy’s will to fight.
But the confusion caused by the Northern Lights appearing as far south as Texas is not the government’s greatest concern. Scientists and space weather forecasters warn that severe geomagnetic storms caused by the CMEs could disrupt radio communications, disable satellites, and even knock out power grids.
Smaller solar storms have wreaked havoc in the past. In 1994, a solar flare caused problems with communications satellites and disrupted television and radio signals in Canada. In March of 1989, the Hydro-Quebec power grid was knocked offline for over nine hours after an X15 flare was recorded.
The potential of energy of our Sun is staggering. Over one million Earths could fit within its 1.4 million kilometer-wide sphere and the nuclear energy generated each second is more than that of 100 billion tons of TNT exploding. Proportionally small CMEs directed towards Earth with a rating of only X1 can have noticeable repercussions and in the past two weeks SOHO has recorded an X10, X17.2, and an almost off-the-scale X28.
“To put it into laymen’s terms, these clouds of hot gas constitute a mass greater than that of Mt. Everest and explode outwards at speeds up to five million miles per hour,” said Bush’s National Security Advisor, Condoleezza Rice. “Our current missile defense technology is not yet up to the task of defending against such a threat. It is therefore obvious that we need to allocate more funds towards sustaining our ongoing strategy of homeland security.”
“Whatever it costs to defend our country, we will pay,” President Bush added. “We will use the extra funds to improve intelligence, tighten border security, and develop countermeasures against possible attacks directed at us from the Sun.
“We will not back down in our War on Terror. The Axis of Evil’s tampering with what we consider to be the ultimate weapon of mass destruction will not be tolerated.”
---
That's about the only worthwhile thing I've written in my blog.
-A.
July 11, 2004
Freebies
I have links to a lot of freebies and i am also giving away some Gmail accounts at my Blog.
July 10, 2004
Watched Spiderman 2 again today. Just wanted to record my reactions. [I'm male]
The movie struck me nearly as forcefully as the first time. The same nostalgia, not even any kind of puppy love for Tobey Maguire per se, though perhaps there was an undercurrent of that, but more a general desire, a lovelorn, forlorn, wistful, rueful kind of longing for that glorious imagery, that glorious mythology, that world, and those people, and him and her. And to be part of them, that, I dunno, confidence, that dazzling friendliness and confidence, and self-surety. That, I must have. Even her, and the relationship between them. Perhaps I might even like just to be their friend, their very good friend. Or perhaps their child? Yes that too presents a possibility.
And I felt that spark of bittwersweet pain and longing I've felt so rarely but significantly before, I wanted that to stay. It made and makes me feel alive, somehow connected to some glorious past, some sunshiny time, now faded, some realm I cannot define, cannot exactly articulate, but wish to enter… it is something to contrast the feelings of dullness against, some pang that hints at a spark of something lonely and beautiful. It makes me sad, no doubt, but better that beautiful pain than nothing at all. And this is one occasion where my fat disturbs me. I feel that spark, that angst fucking smothered within layers and layers of lipidinous blubber. I feel that half-souled exuberance half extinguished within that deadening embrace.
And that sadness which remains makes me long to leave this body, longs for me to disappear. These are of course feelings which are not new, but feelings which are exquisitely put, and have only appeared in me thus, well, ocassionally. After certain movies. Or meeting certain people. Or perhaps after a high school graduation night or two.
I felt today as if I wanted to express those feelings. What if I started an anonymous weblog and simply said what I felt, deeply. Would anyone be interested? Would I gain the sympathy I desire? And would that be of any real aid to me? Would I be able to put all this down coherently, in a way that others might care about? How would I recap my life so instantly? What would I do to do that? [Or am I prepared to be reamed, as will most likely happen?]
I loathe even to turn away from all this, to not pay attention to this feeling, though eventually it will stop paying attention to me, to use that cliché, to use that cliché, and so on. It gets tiresome, you see, to be so fucking self-referential, so bloody ironic and conscious of metaphors. Yuck. But what to do? Better to play the fool than be smart and dull? You know the answer. Or do I? What I write is not what I really feel, you can be sure of that – except when it is, of course. I’m shuddering at this writing, trust me, as I trust that you are as well, my dear perplexed and overwrought reader.
I feel like I need some warmth or something. There isn’t that chill in the marrow of my bones as there has been before, but there is that intense loneliness and longing for that other life, that mythological life. I would rather even take a perfect fantasy than the mundane reality, so I tell myself. Rather have a perfect DVD as a person than settle for someone who is real but boring. Or to snuggle up with someone as romantic as I and watch the movie together. But would I want someone as romantic as I? Doubtful. That would, in fact, be creepy. I would be repulsed. I dunno… can I have perfection in this life itself? No, I can’t have it, I already know. But can I find something that deeply satisfies me at least for a time? I hope so. As for perfection, so say the wise, one can only be that, and to be it, it must already be so.
a letter to my girlfriend
i love you. you know i love you. i've never loved anybody like this. i didn't know what love was, before you. you pulled me out of a life of depression, suicidal attemps, self injury and eating disorders. you're special.
but...
your habits. i hate them.
honey, you're too old to pick your nose. i never thought i'd have the conversation with anyone over the age of 2, but oh well. you're 25, love. keep your fingers out of your nose! it's gross. it makes you look bad. it's germy. and for the love of god, you touch me with those hands! no, don't say you're scratching your nose. that's not scratching. inserting a finger into your nose and pulling stuff out isn't scratching. you pick that nose until it bleeds. that's not good for you. it's for your own good that i brought it up. i was quite tackful, wasn't i? but since i'm unconfrontational (to one's face), i let you claim your nose is just very itchy. really, though, babe, keep the fingers away from the nose. it makes me very uncomfortable, especially when you're doing it most of the day. we spend nearly every minute together, i can see it. you know how, once in a while, after you start picking, you reach for a tissue? well, work on doing that EVERYTIME, before picking, okay? please? me, my parents, your parents, our friends... we really don't want to see your snot. also... don't call it "scratching". we all know better. please admit to such a gross act, if you're going to go so far as to actually do it.
secondly, i know you're a compulsive liar. i finally confronted you about it. i'm glad you finally admitted it to me, after a few years (and a few times of me trying to get you to). i asked you a bit ago if you had lied recently, and you said no. however, i know otherwise. so lying to me about lying? not cool. upsets me greatly. your lying... well, it angers me. because you lie about your life and i think our life is good. you say it is, but if it's not good enough not to make things up about... then why do you? especially with people online. especially at that community you frequent. does it really make you feel better? to pretend to be someone you're not? what about with me? when i know you lie more easily then you tell the truth, how am i supposed to believe a word you say? especially when you lie to me about lying! relationships are built on honesty. you even say you never lie to me, which is another lie... honey, if we're going to have children together, you HAVE to work on this. for me. and them. and you. also, please don't lie about me not wanting to go somewhere or do something because you don't want to. that makes me look bad, when it shouldn't. if you're going to opt out, then say so. don't use me as a scapegoat. it's not fair to me.
sometimes, i get so angry with these things, that i want to leave. it's so hard to be here with you not being honest (and the nose thing, that is bigger then you think it is). it makes me feel like crud.
but i can't leave. i can't (and it's my own problem) because i left my old life for you. i don't want to hold that over you, it was my own choice. but i did it for *us* and you're not quite as willing to do much for *us*. and that... well, that hurts. i need you to try.
i love you, but i don't love these things about you. i think they're negative, bad, and i think you need to work at ending them. please. because although i believe that generally, when you love someone, you love everything, but being lied to isn't something i can love.
July 8, 2004
hi!
I was feeling really low. things were just not working out.
but, reading the entries put a a smile on my face, which is a big thing considering my scenario. good to know that u r not alone in feeling the way u feel.
Thank you guys!!
A prius is a start.
Now let me get this straight. You're going to save the planet by going out and buying a Prius to save gas?
If the entire US population went out and bought Prius automobiles tomorrow - we'd have an energy crisis from the manufacturing of all the Priuses! It takes energy to make a car right?
Anyway - I'd live off-the-grid if I could afford it. Only the rich can afford to waste enough cash (cash is a form of energy) to be energy independent.
Buying oil from 3rd world coutnries whilst funding terrorists is the American way.
Nice blog man. No go drive your PRius and think about saving the planet.
July 6, 2004
Y'all are Depressing
You all are way too depressed. Stop looking at the glass half empty but as half full. Step out of the shame closet and head towards your happy place. Yay!
I've got nothing.
No no, you people have it all wrong. Life is GOOD. Our Jack Russell Terrorist just peed on the floor AGAIN, and I don't even want to kill her, much less myself.
July 5, 2004
I'm going to be alone forever. I'm sick of everyone finding that special somone that completes them becuase I know I'm never going to. Instead, I'm going to live in a tiny little apartment with nothing but a few dozen cats for company. I'll name them things like Mr Sniffles and Mrs. Pussyfoot. I'll stay at home every night and watch reruns of awful TV shows like Touched By an Angel and Walker Texas Ranger. UGH How does one resign oneself to a lifetime of lonliness?
Kevin Rose is Gay
For one this gay man can't marry Sarah Lane...Two he's a fat ass just look at the before and after pictures...3rd hope he get injured by his very own Laptop bomb...4th the FBI are coming for you...5th http://kevinrose.youarelame.com/
July 3, 2004
bored
What do you do when you know your life is better than 90 percent of everybody else's, but you still feel like shit? You feel like you've wasted so much potential? And though you live a decent life you almost wish you had it worse off? What do you do when you feel like you have no one in your life even though you have many wonderful people there for you?
July 1, 2004
Fat Camp for Adults
This month I'm going to fat camp for adults. I hope I can finally lose these 300lbs and avoid gastric bypass surgery which would be pricey and perhaps lethal. I'm leaving for the bus station as soon as I finish my pizza and this post. Wish me luck.
kOrkEEz fUhrSt p0sT!!
mY nAMe iZ k0RkEe N I LyKe 2 DrYve tHa shUrtBuSS anD bEE wITh tHA naYbuRRz goTe!