I'm now 19 years old, by a whole 17 minutes. And, whilst it's the norm to be out partying on your birthday I probably won't. The little friends I do have will most likely not go drinking with me should I phone them up. I rarely hang out with them and my life at the moment is either working or sleeping.
I hold down a decent job, but I'd love for a social life, even a little bit of one. I can make friends but I lack the confidence to initially go out there to make them. This has been my problem my whole life....
Maybe I have a low confidence because all in all I've lived a sheltered life by my parents, thus not giving me the normal confidence any 19 year old would normally have.
This year I'm going to try to establish more of a social life for myself, so by when I'm 20 I can actually have a party to celebrate that fact. Having a birthday with no real celebration for it is really quite depressing.
I pretend to other people, work colleages and so on, that I do go out with friends, get drunk and all of that. Which frankly is a load of bollocks. But I don't want to be labelled as some boring friendless weirdo.
So my question; for a loner such as myself, how would one begin to form a social life?
p.s. happy birthday to me.
well, yesterday i broke up with my boy friend of 5 years. Why, u ask?? because i fear. he loves me like crazy and keeps asking me to marry him. But, i cant, or rather i cant do it in peace and happiness. U c, we r both from different religions and my folks will just not accept it. i will get kicked out of home and disowned forever. His folks are all fine with it, and love me with open arms. He is also less educationally qualified than me, altho he is working to wards it. My family are conservative and will never accept some one from another religion with lesser of an educational qualification. so, thats y i broke up with him. dint want to lead him all the way and dump him..mayb, i am doin the same now.
But, it hurts and is numbing. i dont know wat to do? is it my fault? is it the fault of the world? am ibeing right? i want him to be welcomed into my family, like i am into his. and, if i get married to him, i fear losing my family forever and him being disgraced. he says he doesnt care how he is treated, but i do. it will hurt me to see him disrespected.
life just seems tuff now. but, i guess i have no one to blame except me..
yeah, im in love with my roomie
shes so beautiful, and i love waking up with her all over my face.
one may not be so anon if other people they know might read this too....oh well fuck it
so here i sit on a monday night drinking and thinking about my life. am i truly happy? one might say she has a lot to be happy about. a good job, a good husband, a great kid, health, a roof over her head. but on the inside there are days i want to scream. i am married with one kid and only 24. i never thought i would be here. i am living in the same town i grew up in and i will probably be trapped here forever. i want to be selfish i want to do things that make me happy, but i don't. i always think of my husband and kid first. i work at a job where i am unrespected, and sometimes unappreciated. i hate it most days although there are some that i like it. i am stuck there, it is the best thing i am going to get in this small town and the best amount of $. my best friend is in the same boat i am. she is miserable and doesn't like her life. she doesn't have a kid and husband to hold her down though, i want to tell her RUN escape while you can, go live the life you want and tell everyone to fuck off. secretly i want to run with her. if i did what would she really think of me? would she agree or think i am a total nut job. she lives 2 hours away i harldy get to see her anymore. all my other friends have moved off, i have no social life besides my husband. i love him, but sometimes i just need some girl time. we are too broke to take many trips, and when i do i feel guilty. guilt worry and aniexty consume me most days. i throw my self into liquor and food, to try and make myself feel better. does it help? maybe, sometimes i think all it does is numb the pain but it never goes away. i am 5'2 and weigh 140lbs i feel the weight adding daily, fat roll number 3 is rounding out quite well. part of me cares another part does not. i want to move away from all this i want to start over, i want to own my own coffee shop and bakery, i don't want to be stuck behind a desk for the rest of my life being a glorified paper pusher. i want to live on the coast where i can wake up to the ocean each morning. those dreams will never come true. i will be stuck here in dinkville in my fixer uper house, at my paper pushing desk and slowly i will die a little each day.....
i am tired of fighting about bills and money. i am tried of getting up and doing the same damn thing everyday. i hate it, i want to live a life where i look forward to getting out of bed each morning and going to a job i love. i hate that i am a doormat and that people, my mom, my family push me into things i don't want to do. i feel like i will let them down if i don't. i always put everyone else before myself. why do i do that? why can't i stop? my life is so hectic and busy and it stresses me out the point of no return. i don't even get to spend as much time with my dog as i would like she is getting old pretty soon i won't have her anymore, and that makes me tear up while writting it. i don't want to loose her, she is the one thing in my life that i don't have to do cartwheels for she loves me for who i am not what i do or how i act. i won't think of that now. i want to tell them all how i feel, but if i do they may hate me and i would loose them. being here and being miserable with what i know seems safer than jumping into something i do not know at all. it's stupid, i keep myself from possibly being happy because of fear and uncertainty. i feel like i am in a hamster wheel constantly running and never really getting anywhere i want to go. *sigh*
so here i sit drinking on a monday night with all this in my head, guess i'll finish the bottle and go to bed.
Oh geesh... I did it. I told my girfriend the "L" word the other night. It just slipped out. I don't know why I said it.... Habit (I just got out of a long-term relationship)? Do I really love her? I don't know.
Sure, the sex is good and juicy, but we don't really have that much in common. We don't really talk when we date -- it is more like, "hey, come over to my place" and when she gets here, we get down and dirty.
Am I using her? Is she using me? Are we using each other?
I am confused.
i think a friend of mind is showing severe signs of schizophrenia. she's 26 years old and has lived on her own since she was about 17. she's had to work hard. her mom is a drug abuser, child abuser, and does about anything to get money.
anyway, my friend and her boyfriend broke up about 5 months ago. now she's convinvced that she's being stalked by him. he supposedly breaks into her house and moves stuff around. he steals things. she also believes that people he's connected to are helping him. she says it's called multi-stalking and that is some organized military tactic that they are using to run her out of town. she thinks everything that she searches for or writes or receives on the computer is being transferred to his computer. she has changed her locks a couple of times and now wears her keys around her neck. she puts super glue in extra locks so that "they" can't access them. somehow "they" always manage to get into her place and make copies of her key. she hears "them" in the house while she's in bed. she thinks that "they" have hid and peed in her closet and under her bead while she was at home trying to sleep. she refers to "them" as elves.
she hasn't gone to college in about a month because she's determined to catch "them" in the act of breaking in. she even thinks they follow her around. she's constantly trying to think up a way to outsmart "them".
i seriously think she needs some help. problem is that she lives in Irving, Texas and i live on the border of mexico. she tells me all this by phone which frightens her also because she thinks he's listening. anyway, my friend is a former drug user. she is supposedly "sober as the day she was born" but i think all that speed smoking finally cracked her in pieces.
here's the part i need help with. she's been going to a shooting range and has bought a gun because she is determined to kill this "stalker" of hers. i'm scared that she's is going to end up hurting herself or someone else.
i called a friend who lives up there and she tried to offer some help and my "stalked" friend freaked out. she says that we could never understand unless we were in her position. she really believes that she's being stalked and sometimes i almost believe her. she seems very lucid when she tells me about the incidences in her house. she's called the cops but there's no sign of forced entry. she has two small dogs and i asked if they bark when she's sleeping and someones there. she's says she's never heard them.
she's been my friend for 15 years and i have never heard her like this. i have no idea what to do.
i'm absolutely exhausted. it terribly difficult to find time to actually enjoy life when living is such a pain in the ass. there's just so much shit to get done and i feel like i'm running on empty. whatever happened to just being happy and content with the natural world and it's inhabitants. i really just want to take a step back and maybe move away to a small tiny village in the jungle somewhere - get back to basics, so to speak. i wonder if i might actually be more satisfied in that environment.
My wife doesn't turn me on sexually anymore, I can barely stand her touching me in a sexual way.
Recently I don't even want to make love with her - I know she still get's turned on by me but is frustrated because I am losing interest sexually and always have an excuse like being tired from work.
My sex drive is definately still there, I'm attracted to several women in my office but have played down my feelings for obvious reasons. However, I know if this continues I will propably end up sleeping with someone only to relieve sexual tension-a man can't live a healthy sex life with his right hand...