OK, I'm so frustrated because one of my good friends (male) and I used to talk and hang out everyday, which was very awesome. He rarely saw his girlfriend because she was so busy with school and everything. I (female) am also friends with his girlfriend, but I don't spend as much time with her for the same reason.
Now it's winter break, and my friend is spending all of his time with his girlfriend, which I suppose is normal, but it kind of pisses me off because now I barely talk to either of them.
I was talking to his girlfriend, and she was telling me how in love with him she is, and I was honestly happy for them, and I figured everything was going wonderful for all of us in this situation..but then they went back to being alone by themselves. And then there's me, alone.
Is it so wrong that I would rather them not be together so that I can spend time with them? I don't mean to be so selfish, but I feel like the third wheel, and its frustrating because I'm not used to this.
You know those friends who hold on to you and say are your best friends ever, well I have a few of those... In fact, all of them say that mostly. I wanted to host a new years eve party and all my friends were like woop woop. Then They were like "well I dunno, I don't feel comfortbale around them" and "I want to have my own party" and they start inviting people I invited to MY party. Then I turn to my other group of friends (I had 3 groups of friends, but one group cut me off cause I left there school) for fun. I take my bf and they are like whoa, we don't like him. Then they drag me off to go get drunk and leave my bf with some lame ass people. What kinda friends are they? The only person I can rely on anymore is my bf and he is having problems of his own... Why can't I just be happy? I mean thats the reason I am on anti-depressents!
I am a pipe snob. I don't smoke out of metal pipes and if you offer me a hit outta your trusty ol' metal pipe - I'll say no thanks. Hand me a bong, glass or a joint though and it's all good.
The point is your piece o' shit metal pipe sucks ass, get a glass.
seems im not allowed to have friends.
they all go away eventually.
for one reason or another.
ive read his letters so many times since he sent them.
i wish none of it had ever happened.
i wish it could be the way it was before.
i wish i could sleep or work.
or do something normal.
i only wait for him to say something.
I am still hopelessly in love with my ex-girlfriend from a decade ago, totally against my better judgment and defying all logic. She's recently gotten back in touch with me after nearly an entire decade's silence, which is what made me finally realize this. Before this happened, I was pretty much in denial about it, but struggled with how and why I'd think about her constantly (by constantly, I mean "every day"). Now, I don't know what to do, really. She doesn't really have time for me in her life (or want to have time, perhaps), and I screwed up horribly on our first go, when we were both young, impressionable, and not all that good at the relationship thing. I am finding it impossible to let go, to the point that it scares and upsets me, because she's acted in good faith to try to make peace with me (probably expecting some neat, tidy act of "closure" rather than, well, me...), and I don't feel like I'm returning the favor by having the feelings that I still do for her. I've told her that I do still love her as carefully and thoughtfully as I possibly could have, but I'm really not sure that she understands the full extent of my feelings, nor do I know what she'd do if she did. It probably wouldn't be pretty. At this point, unless she magically comes to me and is like "let's give this another try" (which is beyond unlikely), I'd give just about anything to be able to just direct all this love in my heart toward someone who actually seems to want it, without thinking about the ex, because it's almost never a good idea to go back, no matter how much you do love someone (and I've never, ever loved someone like I love this girl). This makes me feel like some tortured, obsessed, deranged crazy person, and I do not like it one bit. Fucking karma, eh? If you're the subject of this post and you read this, I love you more than words could ever do justice to, and I'm very, very sorry about all of this. Please forgive me.
For as much money as I've pumped into dating sites trying to meet a "normal" girl and getting all manner of lame excuses back (I met someone else at the same time, we're just not right, I'd rather be your friend, blah blah fucking blah), I'd have been much better off investing that money in good quality professional hookers.
Guaranteed sex.
No build up and subsequent let-down.
No anxiety over "how the first date is going".
Much, much, much, cheaper.
Seriously... why the fuck do us men subject ourselves to this shit?
Maybe it's just me, but I think it's tacky that the office Holiday Party planning committee is asking people to both pay to attend *and* bring food. If we're all bringing food, what's the cash for?!
I wonder what it would be like to fight in a group of people like in the fight club.
What would it be like to give and receive pain? I will never know for I´m not brave enough.
I had an appointment on Tuesday to see a counselor at the clinic due to some mental health survey I took a while back. I had been meaning to see one for a while, but when the man at the table in the makeshift cubicle took me to make an appointment, I chickened out. I had a real reason to not go, though, so I called them (and left my phone number as proof of my sincerity) and told them I couldn't go that morning.
They called me back, asking to reschedule and I told them I was busy with finals during this week and maybe sometime when winter term started? They said ok --what else could they do?
At times I find myself in the midst of depression; I like to think that it is for no particular reason, but once again it is the same old thing - something stupid like not being paid attention to or getting some inferiority complex about how my best friend from high school has more friends than I do or my fear of doing badly in school. I know that I am very much not past it; the only reason I am so happy this year is not because of some fundamental metamorphosis I went through the summer called "growing up," but rather the fact that I have finally found the friends I wanted, a group of nice people that like me and that I feel secure around. This has not solved the problem; the problem is an internal one that I must solve myself. So what do I hope to accomplish by going to these counselor sessions? Will they listen to my problems and will I consequently feel better after purging my thoughts and emotions to a professional? My fear is that I will feel compartmentalized; misunderstood - oh such teenage angst; and then there will be nothing to turn to after that.
What would I tell them? Ideally I would sit down on a couch and they would sit behind me and I would not see them and they would start off asking simple, perfect questions about everything I want to talk about. Do you have a boyfriend? What are you depressed about? What high school did you go to, and then they would blame my ultra-competitive high school for the pressure and stress and inferiority complex-ness it has caused me. They would note that I was very self-aware and not in denial, perhaps too self-aware. I would tell them about my inferiority complex about how people perceive me, perfection (despite the h-croo girl's inspirational talk about how perfection is disgusting, I do not fail in returning to it, day after day). It will not be easy, I know. Once I start going regularly, though, something good must come out of it. I am hardly crazy like the rest of them, anyway. The problem is getting myself to make the call.