Okay.... here it is. There are two people in the whole world who know about this; Me and my best friend, Chris.
Two weeks ago I broke up with my boyfriend of 4 months. There could be several reasons why. I tell everyone something different.
I tried to pin it on my boyfriend... making it seem like since he didn't like the fact that I didnt go to church that he was trying to change me, I thought we should break up.
That wasn't really it.
I needed an excuse for him, and for everyone
cause
I was cheating on him since the day he asked me out.
Do not get me wrong, I love him so GOD DAMN MUCH. But it was a long distance relationship. If he lived here, it would have made things so much easier. But its never easy.
It NEVER is easy.
My two bestest friends since highschool do not know everything, and they will never know. I cannot tell them. They do know that I cheated on my ex, just ONE kiss is all they know.
However
I have been sleeping with this guy. And the condom broke two days ago.
I went this morning to the health department.
I got emergency contraception. And a goodie bag of condoms. (colored!)
That night the condom broke, I was talking to this guy, and I really want to date him, which is ridiculous. To him.
He said he can't trust me, and that I am not faithful to my boyfriends.
I CHEATED ON THE ONLY BOYFRIEND I EVER LOVED for this guy, and he doesnt want me now because I am a cheater.
That makes me feel like a dirty slut. Like hes saying its okay to fuck me, but its not okay to be with me because I'll cheat on him! WTF. Sometimes this world is fucking insane.
I have a history of cutting my wrists, but not bad enough to kill myself. Just to feel it, and see it, cause they are so beautiful...
I can't talk to anyone about this shit, because then my web of lies would come undone, and my life would be ruined.
I am thinking of getting back with my ex, because I realize that he is the only one that will ever really love me, no matter what.
however
He will never know about any of this.
What he doesnt know won't hurt him.
I guess.
No one will ever know.
It's my shit to carry.
It's my shit to bury.
My best friend, Chris, is the guy.
Now, where the hell did I put that fuckin shovel?
I write fanfiction, and lots of it. Well, I used to, but not anymore. I really enjoyed making those characters come alive in my own scenarios, but somehow, I always felt stupid that I couldn't come up with my own characters.
Am I doomed to be a horrible writer forever?
So here I am, just stumbling throughout the vastness of the internet when I find this anonymous blog. An interesting comment so I figure I should leave a little message, a part of myself, for everyone to see. I'm tempted to plug my own blog or link to a site I think is interesting, but I'll hold off. Instead, for once, I want what I write to remain authorless. It's an odd feeling, knowing that no one will know who wrote this (except the site owner, perhaps, if he chose to do some detective work with the posting IP address, but that's unlikely). Since I work as a technical writer, I've always had my name attached to everything I've written... up until now. So enjoy knowing that you'll never know who wrote and you'll never know why. It'll be a mystery now and up until the point of this website's removal. Take care and God bless.
The short Indian girl sporting her Dartmouth equestrian jacket and boots skipped up the stairs and slowed behind the brick wall, dusting the snow and salt off her boots before she walked out onto the open road. As I stared at her out the second-floor window of Feldberg I thought to myself, "I can see you, I can see you!"
I feel pissy and lonely and stressed! I spoke to my best friend on the phone last night and forgot to wish him a happy birthday; I spoke to my roommate's mother this afternoon and she began crying over the phone about her other daughter being in the hospital, that was awkward; I sat in a friend's hospital room because she has the flu and felt like I had to get the hell out of there because I could feel the germs crawling all over me; a hallmate's dad died from cancer. Why does the world suck balls? Will I ever find peace in any place, will I ever get a boyfriend, will I ever learn to love or allow myself to receive it?
There should be a law which makes it illegal for overweight women to wear those tight stretchy pants. It's offensive to my eyes.
I know the pants must be comfy for them, letting their flab bounce and jiggle freely and unrestrained. Surely if they could see themselves walking away, they'd see what we see; tight pants which cling to every bump, bulge and crevice that are on their dimply behinds. Especially offensive are the flesh colored stretchy pants. From a distance, it's certainly a sight no one really needs to see.
The End!
Oh yeah...remember back in November when I swore to never ever NEVER fall in love with a guy from a Red state again? Well...hmm...never mind. I'm back with the red state guy and I'm trying to train him. I'll let ya know how it's going.
Have you taken the time to get to know yourself? Who are you? What makes you unique? What are your dreams? Are you happy with your current situation? If not, what can you do to improve your lot in life? If so, what have you done to attain said satisfaction?
My roommate is driving me insane. I cannot stand to be around her. She's rude, obnoxious, a liar and a thief. I hate being seen with her in public but she insists on clinging to me like rotten lettuce in a bag.
Ok well, I'm 15 yrs old girl and I have so much shit going on I can't think!! I know I sound like some whinning little teenager, but its not like that at all. Everything went to hell two yrs ago. In 7th grade I started to hang out with the wrong group and ignore all my old friends that tried to get me away from them. I wish I would have listened to them then. Well, in 7th grade, I got arrested. It SUCKS!!!! Don't get arrested!! It has completely messed up my life!! I got arrested for smashing windows and messing up my elementry school (I never did like it lol jk). So I got arrested, 40 hrs of communite service, grounded for a yr, and I lost a ton of people close to me. My old friends, which turned out to be the best friends I had ever had, didn't want to have anything to do with me. And then school was hard, all the comments I heard when I walked by people. I only had one true friend, or at least I thought she was my true friend, she ending up hating me and that was just totally fucked. So then I was still a trouble maker in 7th grade. The reason I believe I was so rebelous it the fact that my grandpa had died, he was a big part of my life. In 7th, 8th, and still now in 9th I think and have thought about killing myself. I have tried many times. I just always think, "Why does one person matter?" Think about how many people there are, why would I matter, how can I affect other people, how can I be heard? So 7th grade pretty much sucked ass. Then 8th was a little better, but not much. In 8th there were still whispers about me all the time. And because of all them I was very kept to myself. Then in 8th grade I started to drink a lot (I had drinken before but only once in a while and not much). In 8th grade I was sneaking out and getting drunk, REALLY drunk. I would drink a whole water bottle filled with vodka and I'm only 110 pounds. So about the 5th night in a row that we went out, I got caught. My parents knew I snuck out, but didnt know I was getting drunk. I finally broke down and talked to my councler at school which really helped me. I would advice students talking to them, they can really help you. Then I was sent to therapy for a while. Things were getting a little better, but I still had a lot of problems going on. My mom is always VERY stressed becuase of work and she takes it out on my sisters and I, I know she doesnt mean to and I understand because she has a lot of things going on her life too, but still its hard for me to see her like that and it makes me depressed. And then my dad is very ill. He has been for a long time. He has diabeties and arthitis. He used to be able to run and walk and everything, but over the years he hasn't become very ill. Right now he does not have any toes and below his knee on his left leg has been amputated. It has made things really hard for me and my 14 yr old sister, christine. We are the ones who have to take care of him the most. We have to get him all of his meals and anything he needs. We have to get his medicine for him, dress him, get his toothbrush, put his fake leg on, help him get into his wheelchair, give him all his shots, eyedrops, inhailers, and tons more. We have to help him go to the bathroom too. It's really hard being young and having to watch my father going through all of this. I wish I could help him, but there's nothing I can do about his diseases. Right now my father is in the hospital. He has pneumonia and his livers are starting to fail. I don't know what I would do if anything were to happen to my father, I love him so much. I'm really upset too becuase I have never been really close to him. It's always been hard to close with him because I'm always so fustrated because he is so ill and isnt like all the other fathers. My dad had a stroke a few years back to and it affected his brain and left side of his body and that made it also harder to get close to him, our conversations would be kind of akward or very short. I wish sooo much that I would have taken advantage of the times I could of spent with him. If I would have just stopped being self centered for once. I would take everything back if he could just be ok. I've been praying for hours each night wishing that he'll be ok. He's been in the hospital for about a week now and he isn't getting any better. This one day the doctors told us that he might not make it. It was horrible. I couldn't believe it. He just went into the hospital becuase he thought he had a cold or something, then it turned out to be pneumonia and now almost liver failure. I just really need someone to give me reassuranc that everything we be ok and that they is still hope. Please prayer for him. And on top of that, now in 9th grade I have a ton of horrible things happening. School is harder and there are some REALLY nasty people at our school. Almost every guy is sexist. This one guy told me to get back in the kitchen so then I punched him right in the nose, in front of my teacher lol, I didn't get in trouble though. And then this year I broke up with my boyfriend, we went for over a year then he gave me total hell about it, calling me a slut and bitch and other nasty things. And then my friend is being pulled into the same situation I did in 7th grade (hanging out with the bad people) and I hate watching her slowly becoming involved with the wrong group and making poor decisions. And I'm having problems with my other 2 friends, Jeff and Emily. We are growing apart and we've been friends forever, its just really sad. And then at school the school work is unbelieveable, I'm up late doing work and then I have to wake up at 4:30 to get ready to get to the bus in the morning, which really sucks. So I don't ever get more then 5 hours of sleep. Then I got caught sneaking out a while ago and I'm getting completely hell from my mom about it. And then I'm starting to cut myself again and drinking. Please someone help me by giving me advice. I think I do all this stuff because I think these horrible things, I REALLY don't want to, but I always do. About how I'm so little in this world. Please someone reach out and tell me that there's hope and that I maybe I can affect others.
ok, i feel sad , depressed, confused and alone..yet, i try to keep myself alive. i live a life that does not satisfy me. i do not want to sound like a whiner..its just that all the supression of my feelings raises its ugly head once in a while. i nedd reassurance that i will b ok, things will get better, life will b good. i tell myself that everyday, thats how i make it thru...but, i need to hear someone else tell me that..i need to feel the need to go on..i am really sad in my life now, and to top it , i dont reach out to ppl. in my grief...will i survive?
OK, here's the deal. I (male) have this friend (male), and we have been BEST FRIENDS since 2nd grade. We both love to surf, so for as long as I can remember, we always have gone atleast once a week. That is, until a month ago. He got a new girlfriend. I liked her until one night at a party she hit on me when he wasnt there. I told her no, b/c she is dating my best friend. She was mad and then told him that I tried to get into her pants at the party, and she said no (LIE) now she will not allow him to talk to me anymore...that means no more surfing!!!! I must now resort to surfing by myself...should I just kill her, or what???