i knew you didn't change. i knew you were getting high with him all along! i knew you were fucking him! i knew you found yourself a new "kevin!"
i wish you would give yourself a fucking chance.. i wish you would risk having something that would only hurt you if you lost it and not stay complacent with the futile. all because you know if you lose him, you can still survive.. so paranoid.. so fragile.. you'll be the end of yourself..
Author:
"Molested" by peer when 8 or 9.
Divorced parents
Relatively low economic status
Why am I such a God Damned nice person when I hate you all so much?
Maybe it is because I realize that we are all burning in this lake of flaming shit together? But maybe there is no flame, no shit, but just me spinning around my eccentric orbit. Doomed by chance to go screaming into oblivion, forever.
So I slept with her again last night. We all went out as a big group, some guy kept coming onto her and so she escaped to me. She got a text from one of the guys she lives with (who just broke up with his girlfriend of a few years) saying that he thought she was looking really hot and he likes her blah blah blah. Since we broke up, shes pulled quite a few guys, and Im feeling now really low.
I said to her that we shouldn't keep sleeping with each other, but its hard as we still like each other. But Im sure we arn't right for each other, but then I feel bad when other guys show interest in her, which is pretty much all the bloody time.
I need to spend some time away from her, which is hard as we live so close and have all the same friends.
While deleting a bunch of spam comments, I think I deleted some real comments. It was an accident, not some conspiracy.
I used to be a pretty good person.
I think.
I was kind of depressed and sad as a teenager, but mostly because I felt guilty at having so much (nice family, somewhere to live etc...) and others being unhappy (world povery, wars etc...). I don't think I was particularly self-centred of selfish, but I thought I was, so I beat myself up about it (and cut myself up too).
Anyway, I started dating at 16, and stayed with my first boyfriend, the first guy I ever slept with, for 2 years. We didn't have too much in common, but it was nice enough. Then I met an amazing, wonderful, beautiful, clever new boyfriend and we were together for 7 years. Only I cheated on him (not an "affair", just a one-night stand). And he never knew. I hate myself every single day of my life for doing this. I know I can't change what happened, and it's all in the past and all that, but I guess at that moment, I stopped being a "good" person, and I can never go back, no matter how sorry I am, and how much I wish I could change things, I'm just not good anymore. Oh yeah, and when I cheated, it was with a girl and a boy. At the same time. Ny boyfriend never knew, but I split up with him, moslty because I couldn't live with myself, or face telling him and hurting him so much.
Now I'm with a new boyfriend, who I love very much. He loves me too, even though he knows everything about my past. But I think secretely he thinks I might cheat on him too (once a cheat, always a cheat apparently). He's kind of posessive and jealous, but not nasty to me or violent or anything.
I wish I could turn back the clock. And that is such a pointless, waste of time thing to wish for. I don't want to turn into a bitter person who is always thinking about the past, but I guess I am.
I wish I was good.
first i met him years ago - and he hurted me and cut off my heart. he left me for another woman.
we missed each other for years. he was on his own way far from me and i nearly forgot about him.
last night we met again.
i remembered his habits, i remembered his smile.
later this evening i remembered his odour.
and i'm so afraid of falling in love with him again.
I'm not used to feeling like the odd man out, but these days, that's me to a T. I'm an agnostic living alone in a country full of christians. My non-belief in a god get's me pegged as the outsider. Growing up, as I was developing the foundation of what would become my beliefs of today, I thought that I was fortunate enough to live in a place where people's beliefs would be respected. But it was a lie. That has come out now, as Bush continues his 2nd term. You are allowed to believe what you want to believe, but the government won't support you. I live in a country where science is being put on hold, and christian beliefs are gaining ground... in the science curriculum. I'm not bitter about christianity, but they are very bitter about me.
It's been 5 years since we met, and I still think about you all the time.
Why didn't you move to Las Vegas like you wanted to? Why didn't you follow your dreams.
Why did you marry that loser, who you don't love.
I would have left my wife to be with you. In an instant.
I hope you are there this Christmas. I hope I get the chance to kiss you.
I hope you think about me sometimes too.
who the fuck do you think you are??? it was my baby too.
Who is Ken Pangborn, the trial consultant featured at http://www.aboutkenpangborn.com? And why is everyone talking about him?
I sure would love to be the only person each of my two partners loved. I hate triads. Polyamory is great and all that but why do they have to love each other too? I guess at least they don't love OTHER people and that's a relief. But I hate being alone like I am right now while they are with each other.
I have left Scientology after being in for 25 years. My parents got me in when I was very young, and while I never had a good feeling about being in what choice did I have? I realize now I could have refused and not wasted 25 years. Now I am starting my life over, and I am fortunate to have my wife and children leave Scientology and come with me.
I was so stressed when I was in, I felt immediate relief when my wife and I decided to not participate, even though that act could lead to complete disconnection from my parents and brothers if anyone found out. But life got simple again when we realized we didn't have to devote all our future resources to the "Betterment of Mankind" through Scientology.
Soon I will be free to voice my opinons without fear of income or harrassment by fanatics.
It'll be great!
i moved in june i think.... 82 miles away from the girl of my dreams, from my world, from my whole freaking life... now its a month from christmas, and things couldnt be worse. it almost seems that moving has kind of ruined our relationship, but only during the week, because on weekends i still get to see her, even if its only for a few hours sometimes, it seems like everything is perfect again.. till the end of the weekend. then i spend my week staring at the walls, pretending that its all ok, pretending im not afraid of her finding someone else, pretending that ill wake up and be back home... pretending she wont get fed up with it and leave me for her own sake. ive become a paranoid wreck...
i am about to smoke pot.
again.
why do i beat myself up about it? Its not like I am the only one who does it. and i don't even do it that often.
Aaaaah, the poop shute ! Breaking in the puckered starfish .. ok, here's my 2 cents on unlocking the back-door loving with your special little anal-angel.
Girls have such varying views on taking it in the pooper . The first girl i slept with when i first got to NYC was a butt-sex monster ! the first time we were having sex she just pulled it out of her pussy and stuffed it in her ass WITHOUT ASKING me.. I had to actually look down to verify what the hell had just happened ! and then to further cement her place in the dirty-girl hall of fame she pulled it out of her ass and stuffed it back in her pussy ! .. now NEVER do this.. this can internally infect a girl and actually make her sterile.. once in the pooter stay in the pooter, or take it to her mouth if you want to get kinky with it.
This is in stark contrast to a girl I was in a relationship with previously who was a)scared to death of taking it in the backdoor and b)considered it sacred and wanted to save it for marriage.. This is actually a reoccurring theme that i've been running into where girls want to save their virginal butthole for that special sacred moment.. talk about back-asswards.
anyhow, if you want to stick her I think the best way to do it is assume -worst case scenario-..
NEVER bring it up outside of a sexual encounter.. i've made the mistake before of bringing it up over dinner or during another non-sexual moment.. This is fine if she wants it or has no walls against BUT if she is resistant than up go the walls and she'll be on the defense waiting for your anal advances.. There is also the thought that you should forcefully dominate her into it.. I don't think this is a good idea unless you are cool with only doing it once.. I've done the anger anal-sex i'm gonna cram my manstick in your tight little ass you filthy cockwhore before but she will forever remember you ripping her a new asshole and will probably fight off repeat advances.
Here's what you do.. don't bring it up verbally.. Have normal sex with her, get her super hot and bothered, start playing around her ass with your finger rubbing around the edges until she is comfortable with that.. slowly penetrate her with your finger. DONT ASK, just do.. be kissing on her, fucking her good at the same time, looking in her eyes, etc and opening her up a bit.. reach on the table and get a little lube for the finger and continue to penetrate her.. next, flip her on her stomach and fuck her from behind.. pull your cock out and put the head right on her asshole and kind of push against it til its about to go in.. keep massaging it against her and then whisper in her ear that you want to stick it in her ASS..
She's already heated, her ass is already lubed up a bit, your cock is right there ready to go, and you are telling her what you are about to do.. It's the strongest place to be for anal negotiations..
When she gives the go-ahead be gentle.. put just the head inside her and wait for her to adjust.. wait about 5-10 seconds before moving.. then slowly start thrusting.. she should get to a point where you can pound away but its after she stretches out a bit and you're properly lubed up. Make sure you're not putting her in too much pain otherwise it might be a one time thing..
Also remember that anal sex is a risky procedure, if the cargo-hold is full you might need to buy a new mattress !!!
Good luck my fellow scurvy infested booty pirates !!! AARRRRRrrrrr ! Give em tha HOOK !
There's always that need to blow up, run off and cut the umbilical chord and just forget the sordid practical details of life. Responsibilities I feel I am not fit to live up to and the feeling that the whole castle in the air is constantly crumbling, and the permanent struggle to keep all the pieces together while wondering why, with all the luck I've had in life and all I could do, it still has to be so bloody hard. I should be the story of Ubersuccess and I yet I cannot find the strength to grab the opportunities that are really there. There's always this gnawing fear. Feeling like I wasn't made for the world I am living in , as if I was meant to be a drift in some other different and less solid world. Why do I feel like I am made of thin thin glass. Worst of all is to know that others have such a hard time for good reasons whereas I have all the pieces of the puzzle in my hands. I just fail to put them together. Still, putting it into words helps.
Waited for her over the last 8 years and didn't tell her ANYTHING about the feelings I had for her. Went trough relationships and always had her on my mind.
For some times we were like the perfect couple. Even our friends sometimes thought we were dating. There always was that sort of crackling tension and it wasn't just me. But nothing ever happened.
We've been through thick and thin while her parents died within a year. Had ups and downs but always found the road to each other again. But always as beeing just friends. Noone of us ever commited to anything.
Some months ago I broke tie and reduced contact to a minimum because I couldn't deal with it anymore. Hurled myself into a lot of work. Always on the road. I didn't want to be the one running after someone who did not care about it. And maybe I was right.
It worked. At least on some level. I didn't think too much about her and when there would be have been the opportunity to see her I ran away with that silly too much work kind of excuse. On the other hand she didn't seem to care about it either. So what, I thought.
I remember so many times when we were together and i noticed the little things a love about her and started smiling about it. I think she never ever noticed that. The great part was that it even lasted over periods where I thought "what a **** idiot" about her. She has so many annoying attributes and no change to my feelings over the past years.
That never happended with anyone before.
I still remember her telling me 5 or 6 years ago that she's waiting for prince charming who'll surprise her with having a picknick in snow outside. I remember ... well I should perhaps just have asked her about my feelings. But herhaps I would have missed a lot of memorable moments we had the last 5 years. Who knows...
She's got a new boyfriend since saturday. A friend of us told me.
We're not talking. And for the first time I'm really mad at her. Why?
Am I free now or just an idiot?
I don't know... I guess both.
I guess I should just get over her. Life's too short for waiting, isn't it....... if it'd be that simple, if...
I always had on mind to write a letter to her when she's finally heading for LA some day within the next 2 or 3 years. I think I should still do that.
Nobody seems to be considering the virtues of cheese.
He likes both the dogs. And they both get excited when they see him walking up to the house.
That's never happened before, with anyone else.
If you had told me how you really felt, then we would be together today. Instead, you kept your feelings to yourself while thinking that I wasn't interested. I WAS! I was crazy about you from the first time we met, although my situation wasn't quite normal at the time and I wasn't sure how to express my feelings for you.
I still have the pin from the Hard Rock Cafe that you bought for me. If you had kissed me that night, I would have accepted you.
In my heart, you'll always be the one that got away and it's partly my fault...
I know it's over, I know I messed up months ago... yet why do I find it impossible to move on? She said we were just "taking a break", but I haven't spoken to her since. How can I when she makes an effort to avoid me in the halls and ignores my calls. I don't know how I messed up, and nobody is able to provide any help. How can I fix a problem, if I never know what the problem is to be fixed? I thought we had fun, I thought we had a good time for those months we were together. I must be wrong, because you seem to hate me now. Tell me what I did wrong, tell me how I can fix it, tell me if there's ever a chance in hell for me again.
This site would be way better if you didn't have to log on to post.
My friends always tell me how lucky I am..
No wife to argue with, or complain about (I'm divorced)
No kids that cost an arm and a leg.
No huge bills, always looming over my head.
But the truth is, I'd love to have a wife and kids. I'd love to be able to come home from work and spend time with people that I love with all my heart, instead of coming home to emptiness.. Yeah, I don't have any big bills, and I seem to have more money than my married friends, and I can spend it on silly stuff if I want, but I'd give any of that up to have a family to spend my life with.
Who are they to say I'm lucky?
I hate my best friend.
We were the exact same person for a few years and now she has a job and all of these new friends and I never see her anymore.
It started when she would make fun of me in front of other people to make herself look cool, then progressed into her thinking that she was better than me because she has more bands on her ipod than I have CDs. It's dumb, I know, but she has some sort of superiority complex or whatever. She says and does things because other people want her to but then goes off ranting whenever someone else does it. She's a total hypocrite. Her family does a lot of nice things for her and she is ridiculously rude to them and blows everything they say out of proportion.
She's been at the same job for about six months now. She has all of these new friends who work there. I know all about them because she tells me a new story every day, another one I don't care to hear and another one that makes me feel worse.
I don't think they even know my name. She'll be on the phone with one of them and when she mentions me, I'm "my friend".
She is the most selfish person I've ever met but I can't imagine what I'd do without her.
I hate my job so much. I hate having to keep it so I can pay my bills. I hate having zero support from anyone when I need it the most. I hate being alone for the holidays...where did my soul go?
We broke up months ago. She's seen other guys and keeps telling me that Im the one. We keep sleeping together, but it doesnt get any better in my mind. We have tried going out again but it didnt work. We just sleep together lots and we don't address any issues. How do I know what the issues are anyway. lame.
She is going away with a load of mates this christmas, and I know she will probably come home with some guy, and I know it'll kill me. So whats wrong there huh?! Lame. She tells me that I'm the only one for her, and she keeps trying to move on but its not the same. So why doesnt she seem to care.. I've told her maybe time will tell.. but she seems not to care about that either. Im actually going crazy.
She came by to my house today, looking like a young Audry Hepburn. In sunglasses and a silk scarf, she laid a dozen red roses on my doorstep and drove away. I watched her do this from my window. If only she had rung the bell..
Michela Faith Cleary.
I finally decided to celebrate the day after Thanksgiving. Unfortunately, I could not find a free parking space anywhere. Ennui set in, then the realization that I had left my wallet on the kitchen counter. Another reactive formation? An unconscious act of sabotage directed against Sino-Bushite, usury-fueled consumerism? Perhaps, though when I left the house at 5:15 AM I thought I was looking forward to two for one Sears athletic socks and 4.98 DVDs at Circuit City
I honestly have nothing to say anonymously. I thought I would but I have no deep dark secrets. People know what I have done, I have admited my sins and none of them are these "terrible secrets." I have no desire to kill myself and I have never been molested.
I don't even know why I am writing this...boredom I guess.
I will leave you with this thought:
"Truth involves an emptiness, otherwise we fill up self with self."
-me
I have been thinking of ending my life. its not that i am sad or depressed...maybe, i am ...but, i just dont see any point to living, and i mean in all practical and logical sense. i really dont think there is any point in me living..i will just be another individual consuming up nature's and everybody and everyone else's resources in vain...all that i consume can atleast be spent on someone or something more worthwhile...
so, what i am looking for are suggestions to end one's life..something that is quick and not too painful..i dont own a gun and cant buy one either..so, no pls give me some suggestions on what i can do. its also not possible for me to buy drugs..so, i want something that is a practical option.
and, for all of you who think that i should get through it, and not kill myself or anything..just want u all to know that it is a well thought of decision. it is not an emotional decision..i am just fed up living..and, i just want to end my pain and everyone else's
A couple of months ago, I had no idea I'd be in this situation.
Starting in January, I will be working/living as far as 3000 miles away, or could be just as close as working upstairs from where I am now. Either way, it will be a new company with new responsibilities.
I wish I could make a decision now and just have it over with. Tell my co-workers that yes I will for sure be joining them. But, I have to wait to see if the other company will extend me an offer.
If they do, this will be the first real "decision" I will have to make. I'm 23, but had only one option for college and one option for where to work afterwards. I'm so used to situations resolving themselves that I'm not sure I could handle it if I were given the opportunity to make such an important decision.
when the beegees sang 'more than a woman' in high pitched voices, were they talking about chicks with dicks?
mb
recently i have been performing below my potential. this is a sad conclusion and one i must amend pronto. why are we all our own worst enemy?
we know what we must do and yet our weakness tears us down, leaving only regret and self loathing. a good day is a beautiful thing, a bad day must be dissected for it merits.
i will try each day despite the forces against me. i will hold true to what is certain, even as it eludes me.
i will love as much as i can and churn understanding from hatred.
i will look honestly at my actions. i will ignore smart ass responses to this gesture. be well.
Hello everyone, I am testing a new spam filter that I've designed.
Here's how it works:
1) E-mail is sent to my main address
2) It is forwarded to a Gmail account
3) Forwarded to a Plesk account with Spam Assassin
4) Forwarded to my personalized filter list
5) Finally lands back in my original box
It sounds crazy, but I haven't had spam in 3 days..!
Please send me a spammy message or sign me up for whatever list you want: coreynance@comcast.net
As China cozies up to the world's dictators and our enemies, the first-ever bilateral military exercises between Russia and China are set to begin today. Are we ignoring our biggest threat?
Simulated land, sea and air operations are to be conducted in the Russian Far East and continue on to the Chinese coastal province of Shandong and the Yellow Sea. The joint exercises between a former Communist giant with plenty of military hardware to sell and the current Communist giant with plenty of money to spend does not bode well for the United States.
Speaking of the exercises, dubbed Peace Mission 2005, China's official New China News Agency said they "will help strengthen the capability of the two armed forces in jointly striking international terrorism, extremism and separatism."
That last reference was to Taiwan, and the joint exercises are meant to (1) demonstrate China's expanding military capabilities and (2) send a message to the U.S. to keep off the grass.
The weeklong exercises will involve about 10,000 troops and various advanced weapons systems that Russia hopes to sell to its former understudy. The merchandise includes long-range TU-95 and supersonic TU-22 bombers, both cruise-missile-capable and advanced SU-27 fighters, and an assortment of submarines and amphibious and anti-submarine ships — all useful in a Chinese blockade and/or an outright invasion of its "lost province" of Taiwan.
Jane's Defense Weekly reports that workers at China's Dalyan Shipyard have been busily repairing the former Soviet Kusnetsov-class aircraft carrier Varyag, purchased from Ukraine in 1998, painting it with the colors and markings of the People's Liberation Navy. This would represent a significant step towards China's goal of a blue-water fleet.
China is preparing to challenge our military supremacy in the Western Pacific while keeping us busy on the world stage. It is building alliances with thugs and dictators and locking up energy resources, guaranteeing a steady supply for its rapidly growing military-industrial complex.
Major energy deals have been signed with rogue regimes in Sudan and Iran. And while China has not deployed its military forces abroad in any significant way for five centuries, it did deploy 4,000 troops to Sudan five years ago to protect its investment in oil there and prop up the genocidal regime in Khartoum. Sudan exports 60% of its oil to China.
China, now the world's second-largest energy importer, receives an estimated 14% of its oil from Iran. Last November, China and Iran signed a 25-year energy deal worth an estimated $100 billion over the next decade alone.
Such huge deals are a direct challenge to U.S. efforts to isolate Iran and deny it the funds to finance a military buildup. The CIA, in a report to Congress, said Chinese firms "have helped Iran move towards its goal of becoming self-sufficient in the production of ballistic missiles."
Zimbabwe dictator Robert Mugabe recently got a warm welcome in Beijing, where he sealed a deal for Chinese economic assistance and was hailed as "a man devoted to world peace and a good friend of the Chinese people." In Zimbabwe, China seeks mining rights.
China has been active in our own hemisphere with heavy investments planned or under way in Brazil and Argentina. Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez also visited Beijing late last year and announced plans for China to invest in several of his country's oil fields and refineries.
China's getting ready for something, and it isn't the 2008 Olympics.
www.investors.com/editorial/IBDArticles.asp?artsec=20
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nearly 40% of the US's debt is in the hands of China after new orleans, and if their economy stays on track (which could or couldnt happen), then they will match the united states by 2020. also, their military is growing at the fastest rate ever seen.
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i dont know about anyone else, but this scares me.
picture this:
do you know what it would be like if two US-sized superpowers ruled the world with two different view points?
(one based on the people ruling, the other based on the government controlling everything)
if china is up to something, we're going to have a whole new cold war on our hands.
here are more words you'll never read, well, because i no longer have the desire, will, strength, passion or energy to try anymore. so, maybe i am or was hurt by you actions, in actions and all that falls inbetween. it really doesn't matter much now. all i know is that i fear for you still. i don't believe your reasons entirely, but when you're ready to elaborate and finally be honest, i'll be waiting. i'll love you forever and as promised i won't give up. i pray for you all the time.
but enough of you. in case i'm wrong, i'm moving on. you've left me no other choice, which was your plan i suppose. however, it's going to work better then you anticipated because I can't burden you with my distrust now that you try to reconcile your wrongs by pretending it was all accidental. You know how well i know you, yet you continue to insult me with idle excuses and half-true reasons as if I'm still too dumb to decipher your intentions.
How are the GoArmy.com commercials any different than the "72 virgin" suicide bomber theory?? Maybe "All They Want to Be" is to be with 72 virgins. What good does it do....blow for blow...lives for oil...bigger, faster SUVs to pollute our air so we contract lung cancer by 35...hmm, what good does it do?
I definitely don't want it...no cancer, no bigger, faster SUVs, no oil for life.
I have my own problems...it's only in moments like these that I can step away from focusing on the height of 'my' trees to really look at the expanse of 'your' forest. But that's ok...the wine will wear off and I'll wake up tomorrow in the middle of 'my' trees. We live for our minutiae....we live for our minutiae....and while I debate half-empty or half-full....my love is going to drown.
刚刚浏览这个匿名blog,测试一下对中文的反应。在中国大陆，政府对网站实行实名登记，如果发现网站的内容与政府所规范的不一样的话，就要被罚款和封锁。没有任何一个网站允许匿名发布blog。
All my life I have tried to do the right thing. Even though as some would say "the cards have been stacked against me." The product of an affair, never had a dad because he said I wasn't his. Raised by my grandparents, one of which resented me because the other wanted to raise me. My mother accused of "spreading her legs" and causing my grandmother grief. My grandmother so mean, none of my friends would come in the house as a teenager. God! I felt so alone as a child! I had this tree in the woods I would go and cry under until I at least felt like I could go back and face my "life." I always valued friendship. The true kind. Didn't want to waste energy on shallow people. Still have a couple of friends from childhood. Can't talk to them about how fucked up my life is right now. Not can't, I guess, don't want to. They have their own shit going on. Doesn't seem quite as complicated as mine...one is having an affair on her husband, the other I know would listen, but don't want to hastle her. Just need to vent on this blog. Maybe this could be my new
"tree." Been married twice. Divorced twice. The fist marraige was to escape the wicked grandmother after my grandpa died at 16. Made it a year then couldn't take it anymore. She is evil. Haven't talked to the woman in just over 2 years. Her health is failing, so my mom tells me. I guess she said she wanted to talk to me. Fuck her. She treated me like shit and said the worst things to me as a kid. I did the counseling thing. Tried to mend the bridges. Finally told her the next time I would see her would be at her funeral. She said she didn't want me to go. Fine. She has told every family member lie after lie about me- I am sure I don't want to see any of them anyway. She always stood up for my cousing who had all, what 5 maybe, kids taken away by CPS because she was a drug addict. Ah, yes, that was the favored grandchild. I was just a piece of shit that my grandpa couldn't let someone else raise. Because of me she could never have new carpet in her house. Give me a fucking break. The woman is evil. Once, I asked her to come and visit because I had to be somewhere like at 6:00 in the morning. Had to leave at 4:00 am to get there. This was during a time when I was trying to mend the fences between us and include her at holidays, etc... Anyway, I went in to tell her I was leaving, and I swear her pupils were slit like a cat's. Her eyes were yellow. It was like I had woken a demon from a sleep.
As much as it seems I still dwell on it, I really don't. I just find the fact that she was so evil to me, then seeing her pupils that way- interesting. I have come to terms that I have no family, blood relatives anyway, that want to have anything to do with me because of what she has told them. Her twisted, evil reality. I think she has told them that I killed my grandpa because I was a rotten teenager who went to parties and drank. I guess I caused his heart problems. Puleeze!
That isn't why I am blogging.
You pieces of shit who like to tell people to just go and kill themselves... don't even bother to respond. You can just go and fuck off. I am just glad I have found somewhere where I can just fucking vent.
For now, away from the tree....
Every time I look in the mirror to see myself, I see a woman with large breasts. I've been this way for as long as I can remember, and have kept it a deeply guarded secret. I believe I want to become a women, but I am afraid of what people will say and do. This site is now my priest and I am experiencing a religious feeling as a result of writing all this ...
there's no possible way that i'm gonna see my way through this. perhaps i will explode as result of anxiety.
I think you should go over to http://www.human8ball.com and upload your picture.
For very long i used to had a feeling that i am suffering from ED and Pre Eja. had a very bad notion about it and it gave me shiver when i used to realize how am i going to perform with my girlfriend.. all medical bullshit inside my head ... i smoke and thought thats causing it... but no way it has done any harm till now. i am fine and just had my first sex with my girlfirend. and and iiiiii wwwaaaaaassss ggggoooooddddd. i did well in the exam. had an hour long session..wot else... now...now its time when i have finally decided not to smoke any any any any more. i quit and will never ever smoke all my life. i am cool ... and i am proposing my girlfriend anytime next week.. need to settle down... i need to come out a bit of my junky c++ codes.. too much stress... but now i am cool... Jesus christ .. you know how much i adore you for all your help.... stay with me always...
I tried to chat up a pole dancer the other day....being polish, she didn't understand a word i said.
mb
You know what's really annoying?
Needing to poop as you step out of the shower.
Wow, I hope all companies aren't like this.
So, I work at a job where the majority of our work is based on government contracts. Our team put in a good 10-20 hours of overtime one week to meet a deadline. The team manager asked the boss if we could get compensated for these hours, to which the response was essentially, other companies expect 50 hours a week regularly and those employees never get compensated.
Fine.
But then, later, I find out that members of another team (who are working on the same exact contract), ARE getting compensated for every hour of overtime that they put in, even if it's like 2 hours extra!
How is that even remotely fair? How can anyone even justify that?
If it was on another contract (that maybe paid more money), that might make sense. But both projects are under the same contract, and presumbaly make up equal shares of what we've promised.
I wish I didn't suffer from this rubbish depression.
It feels like it's not GOOD enough.
I'm not depressed enough to just stop doing everything and have a damn decent breakdown.
But I'm not well enough to DO anything about it or change my life to make me feel better.
It takes me a long time to get out of bed in the morning.
But I DO get up eventually.
But then the early morning optimism gets trapped and stifled by my lack of motivation.
Resulting in just sitting on my own and feeling depressed about not doing anything about how bad my life makes me feel.
Like a big, horrible, drawn-out circle.
Why is it that I can't find anything about gay love on the internet?
It does exist, but all I do find is porn sites and sites that say you can't love someone of the same sex.
This makes me sad, why do people point out stuff not related to love when talking about gay love. One site mentioned that gay love is basically love at first site. I don't think love at first site is what they're defining. More like lust at first site.
Why is gay love, by true definition, so hard to find?
so, we r all here...the whiners. i visit this site often reading what others say, and knowing that i'm not alone. Yohoo! i have so many others who are as miserable as me...is that something really to rejoice about? are we a world doomed to misery? why cant i find sustained happiness? is there anything like sustained happiness?
i know the reasons for my misery. i know all the theories..i'm so interested in my misery, that i'm learning about them. yes, i'm a student of psychology. i've always loved the subject. but, now i'm seriously starting to doubt my interests. it just doesnt seem fair to attempt to sort out everybody's life, when i cant seem to get my life straight. they say that shrinks are the most screwed...but, it just does not seem right to me to continue in this field until i learn to "live".
i have parents who i really dont get along with, yet claim to love them to death. yeah, i do..i do love them...but, why do i have a problem...its becuase i dont know how to love them and me at the same time..for some strange reason, i turned out to be different from the rest of the family members..so, in my quest to fit in, i would much rather love them and not me. i do this with everytrhing and everybody...why? i hate who i see in the mirror...i dont like me anymore. and, doing stuff that i dont want to do makes me hate me more...
i am 23. i am an adult...its high time to cut the chains...but, i dont..what am i scared of?
She's ugly as shit. So why do boys like her? Because she's tall? Because she's got the whole innocent-Christian-girl-although-I'm-secretly-a-big-slut thing going for her? Because she has no personality and will work to appease anyone, again because she's ugly as shit? I hate her and seeing/hearing her name pisses me off!!!
I have had the hardest decicion to make over the past 2 years. Divorce. While I have love in my heart still for this man who makes me ill and want to choke him till he is dead, I can no longer tolerate his deconstructive behaviors. He drinks excessively every night and has since I can remember despite my asking and on occasion begging him to stop drinking. and he tells me "I dont have a problem drinking, You have a problem with my drinking" . I think Fine no sense beating this dead horse anymore.
Then there is the bills. He doesnt pay the bills in a timely fashion nor in full so he can have money to squander on things like plants for the yard or new clothes for him or extravagant items that we cant afford and dont really need. Mostly stuff from the renal place that costs 4 times as much to purchase than to just dsave the moeny and buy from a regular store.
He wont let me know about the money and he wont tolerate my asking for receipts which he seems to always misplace. then there is the tax thing, He says I'll file that let me have it and I never see it till I go looking and find them and the certified letters from the IRS in his dresser. and when I ask why he only says I dont know.
So what am I to do ,, If I stay it will only be the same and I have to hear the kids say all the time that daddy is asleep on the couch and daddy always yells at me and why is daddy always angry. and I dont know what to tell them anymore.
If I dare say anything it will be taken as me slandering their fatherand his "good name" . and if I dont say anything they will never understand what it is I am trying to do.. I think sometimes maybe I should give in and be miserable instead of fight but if I do that then I will be continuing to enable him and his behavior. I am so damn tired and stressed out I cant even think straight sometimes.
The bad part is he is always in the house and never goes anywhere so I have to see him and hear his torturous forked tongue lash out at me and call me names and repeatedly ask the same questions over and over untill I want to just die.
I wish I had the money to take the kids and move out right now,, I wish I had had the nads to do this early on like when he almost burned the house down because he fell asleep on the couch having been drinking, while he was cooking food. I came home to my house belching smoke and my son frantic and trying to clear the house and wake his dad up. (no that wasnt the only time that happened) . The birds dies that night, it could have been the kids,, he doesn't understand that. he never will admit that.
I feel so foolish and weak. I couldnt stand if anything happened to him because I would be afraid I had wished it. the guilt would kill me.
I just want to be happy and not have this stress in my life or my kids lives. Why is that wrong???? Will he ever understand why? He is being nosey and trying to find other reasons for it like taht I am inlove with another man or something he can grasp to. while I am seeing someone. I am not sure yet that I love him. I am smitten. I adore his company every chance I get. but love?? in love?? what is that but a word. with out actions to back it up it means nothing. I love my car , Ilove my job, I love these sneakers... overused and overrated. he says he still loves me and still in love with me, but there is no action there,, no endearing intimacy to lure me back in. on the other hadn the other one is always wanting attention, always willing to give attention. I know he could leave at any moment. but you know what , even if he did, Ithink that I would cherish the short time that I had him and still want the divorce so I can move forward and heal and live again.