(to both) of you but at the end of the day, despite your money and the chemistry your too much of a gamble.
She makes me laugh like I have never laughed before, indeed last night 3 years in she made me shag her before she would even contemplate making dinner. I refused and she got the strop on. I'm sorry but I have to end *us* before Xmas. I know it will break your heart it will do mine but it just has to stop. I love her, really love her and what we had has gone. I know you dont belive me but I was seconds away from proposing in Ag Nikolias and then it could have been different. But this is now. Breaking up before Xmas. I think we both knew it was coming.
We were 16 then. Had been friends for a couple of years, though I think I always loved you since I met you. One night, you told me I was pretty in the bar, and then you came home, to sleep on my bed while I slept on the floor. You said there was plenty of room in the (single) bed, and to come and sleep next to you, but I said no, because I had a boyfriend and I hadn't shaved my legs anyway.
We lost touch. I don't think you ever liked me as much as I liked you anyway. But I think about you every single day. I wonder what it would be like if we met, by accident, on the subway. Would we swap numbers? Would you recognise me? For that matter, would I recognise you?
You said that I put you on a pedestal but I didn't. Even though nothing ever happened, you are the first person I truly loved. And I still do.
I think about what you might be doing. Are you married? Do you have children? Will we meet again?
an electric fence
of silence
keeps us apart
edging closer
i feel
nothing
but prickling anticipation
& fear
of being burnt
I'm a member of "friends meeting friends" type website (not a dating website, ok) and I get this email from this complete stranger asking my opinion on "Friends with Benefits"
I thought how forward this man was in asking me, another complete stranger about this topic. He clearly was looking for such because after what I replied to him, he didn't write me back. I am completely against this. I see nothing but bad things from people engaging in this behavior. Instead of writing my thoughts on this topic, I would like to hear everyone elses. Your comments obviously won't change my own views on this but I'm curious to hear what everyone else thought.
I am sorry i broke ur heart. I am sorry that i cant be what u want me to be. i am sorry that i wasted ur love. from this day forth, i cease to live. but, i will survive. i let u go, and yet i wish that u would call me. i wish that u will not let me go. why is it so hard to let u go? why, after all these years i still love u so? why is it that after all our fights, argumants and misunderstanding..i wont nothing more than to be with u? u make me complete. i used to call u my soul mate, my best friend. u hated it...u wanted to be lover...u were...except that i was scared to acknowledge it...and now, without you in mn my life...i am bereft of a lover and a best friend. i am alone and i feel bare. i think that this is good. it will make me strong, and i hope that it will make ur life better. but, i am scared...i am scared that i ruined ur life...i try to live without you..but, all i can do is survive. i con mysellf into thinking that i am happy...i say that life is better alone. but the truth is that u r my life...and, i hate u and me for that. i was young..and, so were you...two souls in desperate need of love...sustenance. we fed off each other's misery and turned it into something beautiful. and now all we have left are memories. i spend hours thinking of what might have been...i spend hours reminiscing. why cant i give myself what i want? why cant i acknowledge that what i want is not what is ideal...but, i love it!! yes, i love u...u say that i've become distant...what else am i to be...u live across the ocean, i yearn for u...u tell me promise me foreve, and u will join me here....why?? dont u want now? dont u want me? u say u do...but, i cant promise me...u see u dont understand that my world is not my own...thats funny...considering that we have been together 5 years...yes, 5 years..mohd...thats a lot. why did we stay together that long? were we that miserable? and now, i cant keep up with u any more..all i want is happiness, which i cant seem to offer...so, forgive me...my friend, coz i never meant to break ur heart. yet, i know i have...and, i cant live with that. so, if i never see u again..know that i've loved u..and i still do..know that my life has been made better by ur presence...
I tried to be a pacifist and didn't argue with you much. When I did, I chose my battles carefully and you usually told me I was right. You always said I was right. You told me that you felt that I saw right through you. You told me once, "If I could gain the world but had to lose you, I wouldn't take it." I believed you. I believed a lot of what you said. The sincerity of your voice was unquestionable at times. The way you looked at me when we lied alone in the dark melted my insides. I was blind to my own eyes and deaf to my conscious for the first time in my life. I put myself completely into your care. You said you'd take care of me. You said you were my better half. You were my manager. My soulmate. You said these words. If I questioned it, a fury rose in you that'd quiver the knees of statues. You gave yourself my last name.
You left me to myself once when we first met, but you came back for some reason. Maybe out of fear of losing a chance at something. Something I still wonder about. But you left again. And you came back again. We layed under thick covers in a cold winter and talked. You said you were sorry. I said you shouldn't even be allowed here. You agreed. I told you I was grateful to have you back. You promised not to leave again. The promise was shattered, but my heart remained waiting. You came back, but not like before. You came back with a plan: a rope to tie me up with and keep me in place. You pulled me along your path with strategy. You were unwilling to risk. You were a fortress and I was imprisoned on the outside. You wrote me a poem six months late. You said you'd leave your phone on but it was off each time I called. Your kisses were forced. You left again. You gained the world and I was no where to be seen.
You came back recently through email. This time I confronted you. I wanted to fight. I wanted to fix the broken. I'm sorry if you thought it would be easy or if you thought I'd pretend that it's ok for you to continue running the same circles around me.
I miss you so much. Maybe I'm wrong about everything. I tell people about you and they say you're selfish, uncaring, and not worth my time. I refuse to listen to them. I tell them I must be explaining it wrong. I tell them I see something inside you that they don't understand. They tell me I'm a fool. I love you. I wouldn't love someone like that.
Maybe I am a fool. Because you're not calling. You're not even replying to emails now. You've cut me out again. It's not any easier. How worthless am I? You said I was something special and that you'd never let me go, but here I am without you again. How am I supposed to know what words are true? I can't trust all that you've said, and despite how wrong I seem to have been, I can only trust my heart.
Maybe I am a fool.
It wasn't my fault that it got lost in the mail, but I'm sorry anyway. I feel like I should've done more to protect it for you- I didn't think I'd ever see you again. I still don't think I'll see you again, but I did what I could to protect it in the mail, and it still got lost.
I didn't lose it on purpose. I didn't do it to hurt you. I'm sorry.
I fell in love with my best friend
I love her more than anybody i've ever known, when she is happy my heart flies, when she is sad my heart burns.
but sometimes i wish i haddnt fallen in love with her, i wish i had fallen for a more stable person.
I met her on a web forum in Febuary, she lives in the middle east and i did when i was a kid, so we got talking from there. we talked most days and got on really well. It was when i started telling her about how i had delt with depression that i realised how supportive she was, she helped me though some tough times, she helped me when Claire lost her best friend, she was prepared to listen to my anxieties when i had that operation. She was always prepared to talk, and for that i feel i owe her an emotional debt that i can never really repay
I met her for the first time face to face in August, we spent 8 hours together in southampton. The day after i couldnt think of anything else, i knew she had a boyfriend and that she loved him more than she would ever love me so i diddnt tell her how i felt. Eventually i couldnt stand it any longer, i told her i loved her but that i new she loved him more than me so i wouldnt do anything to spoil that, saying it was one of the hardest things i've ever done. She..... just accepted what i said, she knew i was telling the truth when i said i wouldnt do anything, after that we became even closer.
Its just sometimes..... i regret
She suffers from a chemical dipression, is borderline autistic, has ADD, is a drug user, has very few friends where she lives, was anorexic before i met her, has self halmed and nearly killed herself when she reacted against Seroxat (an antidepressant that now cannot be given to anyone younger than 21).
Shes more stable nowadays than she used to be but she always seems sad, i want to get her out of Bahrain because i think living there is going to distroy her, i want her to stop taking drugs but she wont, i want to help her but i dont know how.
i really do love her and i would to anything to help her and to protect her
but sometimes i wish i had never met her and i diddnt have to worry about her, but only a little.
I wouldnt give her up for the world
Push & Pull by Nikka Costa
Mr. Nothing's got a lot
He's got a lot to say
He's good at being what he's not
Gives nothing away
Another day goes on by
And he never speaks his heart
He takes his chance with what he's got
It's too late now to stop
You push and you pull and struggle with the knot
It's tying you up while you're fadin'
You give and you take and take what you got
Round and round 'till it breaks and
You push and you pull and struggle with the knot
It's tying you up while you're fadin' into your lie
Mr. Nothing is late
He's running out of time
He questions whether chance or fate will ever show a sign
Looks to the sky above
For a glimpse of what it means
And never never never make
Make no sense to him
You push and you pull and struggle with the knot
It's tying you up while you're fadin'
You give and you take and take what you got
Round and round 'till it breaks and
You push and you pull and struggle with the knot
It's tying you up while you're fadin' into your lie
You push and you pull it
I almost called you,
But if you answered what would I say?
I couldn't stomach talking without seeing you anyway.
But I almost called you.
I almost drove to your house,
But what if your car wasn't there?
If it was I'd just drive away scared.
But I almost drove to your house.
I almost threw stones at your window,
But I'd only be able to look at you.
What's the use if that's all I could do?
But I almost threw stones at your window.
I almost snuck inside your room,
But I couldn't risk waking that beautiful face.
What would you say to find me so out of place?
But I almost snuck inside your room.
I almost woke you,
But I whispered as quietly as I could.
Barely audible, did I confess all that I should?
But I almost woke you.
I did love you,
But I'm not sure what that means; I never lived such a dream.
But I was almost there, and it meant the world to me I swear.
But I did love you.
why can't we just live day by day content with the knowledge that we're simply alive, and want for no higher truth, or purpose? why do we desire for more, when more will never be enough?
why the fuck do I ask such stupid questions?
why can't we just live day by day content with the knowledge that we're simply alive, and want for no higher truth, or purpose? why do we desire for more, when more will never be enough?
why the fuck do I ask such stupid questions?
why can't we just live day by day content with the knowledge that we're simply alive, and want for no higher truth, or purpose? why do we desire for more, when more will never be enough?
why the fuck do I ask such stupid questions?
Sometimes, I just wonder if it could be me saying it...
Eratis aliquando tenebrae nunc autem lux.
But I liked this one.
"The true meaning of life is to plant trees,
under whose shade you do not expect to sit."
Nelson Henderson
Sometimes I just can't be bothered to live my life. I know I'm intelligent. I got 4 A*s, 4 As and 2 Bs at GCSE. But last year I messed up because I couldn't be bothered. My teachers have decided to get me back on track and have given me all the advice to do that. But did they ask whether I wanted to get back on track? Did they ask whether I think it's just too much bother to apply to university? It's so much hassle. I'd rather just stay here and not do anything. Just get a full time job. I put off doing my homework for my Alevels. I'm 18 now so it's my own choice right? I just can't see the point. I just don't care.
(or maybe I'm afraid of people thinking I'm dumb if I try and then fail)
I hate my life. I think that if i could experiment sexually with someone I would be a little happier. But women are evil. I am not rich enough, or good looking enough, for girls. The money thing is what pisses me off. How can love be based on money? But no girl would marry a poor guy. Unless she was poorer. Who wants to get married anyway? Let's just fool around. I just wanna fool around. What are you doing? Are you busy? Why not play with me?
I have always tried to be open minded about things, but I have never been able to understand how men can accept a baby and a relationship when they are having a baby that is not theirs (i.e., his with her egg).
I understand the feeling of simplying fathering a child that is not my own--out of charity, compassion, love of human beings. Every child should be loved, don't misunderstand me.
I just don't get it that a man can truly love a child that is not his own unless maybe he was there from the get go--he was a part of the decision that he and his girlfriend were gonna do this together. Obviously I'm a man. I want to know how women and men think about this. I've just always wanted to know about this.
Thank you for this opportunity to ask this question.
I love her. She's scared of me; she hates me. This is hell. I remember when she loved me. She will never see me the same again.
Why do we sometimes think about things which are impossible and let them influence our decisions?
i am totally hot right now and want to fuck. i'm pregnant and horny.
Beating your head against a wall burns exactly 150 calories an hour
i like to suck my own cock, does that make me gay?(or even worse, am i incestuous?)
mb
I just got a job at a local grocery store where a bunch of friends work.
It's looked at as a place where people with no class, or no ability to obtain another job work.
However, I'm in AP classes, and I'm in the top 4 % of my class and wish people would realize that most kids working there are in fact intelligent, and just want some money.
So, here I am again...I applied for a job and I am kind of bugged the I did not get it. I am a graduate student, and I applied for a job at the bookstore which would have involved largely physical labor. I really needed the money and, I was pretty sure that I would get the job. So, today I go back yo the bookstore and was informed that the timings I provided for my availability did not match with their needs..so, no job! I would be ok if I knew that was really the reason. But, I'm pretty sure it is not...U c, last year I worked there over the christmas break and, dint quite get along with one of the other employees. Well, actually no one really got along with her...she was just very rude. And, I am pretty sure that this lady told the HR lady not to hire me...and, that bugs me...I am a good worker..&, I know that. So, I see no reason why I should not get the job?? I mean I am more than qualified! So, yes I am bugged...And, to add to it, I am really in a financial crunch and I hate counting every penny I spend...I hate it! Well, I am just bothered with all of this...I hope I get anoher job.
I am in a family with a wife and two kids. My wife terrorizes me with control, always telling me I am a bad parent--in front of my children--who see my unhappiness with this behavior.
I do not think I am a bad parent. I am intelligent, sensitive and directive with my kids. We have very different parenting styles. She wants me to be exactly like her. But I am not; I can't stand her insanity, her selfishness, her inability to be a normal person. It's lash out at this, lash out at that. I want to lash out at her but cannot for the sake of the family.
But I am so unhappy with this. I can not be the happy person I want to because she exacts this price from me for being a parent with her. Her unhappiness spurs her to constantly criticize me, and I hate her so deeply sometimes I'm going out of my mind.
I don't know why I think writing this will help me. It may empower me by using words to stir the action that lies inside me, which is frightening.
Just visit, its alright www.chongas.net
It is 6 in the morning and I can't sleep. I've been up all night hoping someone would call. No one is going to call me, no one really cares. Now that I think about it, why would anyone call ? I have no friends, I have no life, all i have is despair.
Sometimes I feel like an alien in my own body. Sometimes I find myself wondering what a normal person would do. My mother thinks i'm Jesus Christ and I hate to disappoint her. I used to seriously have voices in my head (seriously!) but then I discovered that by talking to myself (out loud?) I would drown those voices out... Now I don't hear them anymore, but I still talk to myself frequently. Mostly because there's not anyone else to talk to.
Some people would be sad at this realization. The thought that they have nobody in the world, nobody to want them, nobody to need them, nobody to care if they suddenly disappeared. I am rather used to it though. The only time it hurts is when someone appears to care. Then I get my hopes up that maybe this time, this person is the one I will settle down with and live a long and happy life with.
Turns out this person wasn't really interested in me, except as a curiousity. Or maybe this person DOES like me and I'm just too blind to see the truth. I gave up looking. Tired of squinting in the dark to see a glimmer of hope, only to find a reflection off of a shattered mirror of a lie.
I'm not suicidal. I am much too cowardly to die. Much too cowardly to live... destined instead to stay in purgatory, to wander until I am found. And as I re-read these words I've typed, I think to myself: OMG Leik, I am EMO!
I'm not anti-social, I just make no effort to be social. The few people who claim they are my friends would disappoint me too frequently otherwise. It's much too hard to be normal in this reguard. To be normal, I would expect means to hurt... and I am beyond such pain.
I live in a cheap apartment in a not-so-nice neighborhood. It's not the ghetto, but the inhabitants of the Ghetto find it a good place to go rob/steal from. Apartment Laundromat broken into twice, mailboxes broken into once.... Car in the parking lot broken into once (ironically, the guy who got stolen from knew who did it, when I explained to him I was a witness/scared them off from stealing more).
I often have dreams of the future, but in disjointed snippets lasting less than 5 minutes at a time... then I forget the dream (or have very vague memories of it) until it actually happens... my exact words after the fact are usually "It's Deja Vu all over again!" or something to that effect (or if not words, then my thoughts)... I knew i would get a new car before my old one broke down because of that.... it's odd... Will I see my own death?
So... how do you tell your mother you aren't Jesus Christ? Even worse... what if I am?
Yeah....fugg'in cock a doodle god damn doo.
I spent two god-damned hours waiting around school this afternoon waiting to help someone with their fuck'in paper for their english class. Essentially doing her a favor....helping her out.
Anyhow....I consented to help her "rewrite" her paper for class and she basically flaked out on me by spliting campus without calling me to tell me her "new plan' which was to fuckoff with her friends at the shittiy fucking mall and Wal Mart...etc.
I called her to see "what up" and she said she'd meet me in fifteen minutes....>
"Cool....coool. I'll eat something and hang out a while longer"....I thought but after eating and rapping with a couple of friends I called her again only to have her tell me that she was still in line.....ummmm.....o.k. ......It was a half hour later yo. She thinks I'm a fool obviously........I basically told her that she had 15 minutes to get back to campus afterwhich time I was gone.
The topper of all was the fact that her retort was, "Don't be like that man."
"Why you wanna be like that?"
Fuck you......I'm doing you a favor and you disrespect me by not only shining my kindness on by splitting campus and leaving me completely hanging so you can hang with your "pals"...but then you try to turn your irresponsible bullshit around on me?
Eat shit. Fuck you.......lick dung.
Some god'damneddd people.
"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."
-Anais Nin
i used to like guys now all i can think about is pussy what's wrong with me
To get the full value of joy, you must have someone to divide it with.
-Mark Twain
What did I do, I am sitting here in Brasil, leaving a life behind where I could I do whatever I wanted, living in Stinson Beach. I left my dream life to marry my Brasilian wife who is not what I dreamed her to be, and now she has read my browser cache, she knows I surf the web to sites that some might consider down right seedy, but hey, given my current life condition, I do not leave the house much, seeing some other women, even if they are digital brightens my life considerably.
I should say, until now, she is not talking to me now. My wife, I mean, she thinks it is distinctly abnormal to see what I have been seeing.
Now, I have flushed my history, the cookies are next. My downloads, etc. What the hey, it is a little late for all that, now that she "knows" my secret web life...
Is my life over, as I knew it and the Truth is beginning, GOD, I hope so!
I like to play with my ass when I jerk-off and when I fuck I like to have girls play with it also. Prostrates rule and it feels so good to come like this!!!!!
Hottttt......fuck'in damn....!
i'm all alone, aside from my cat.
i dropped out of univeristy and moved away from all my friends 5 months ago so i could try something different.
this is different.
i have really let myself go. i just eat. eat and drink. eat and drink and smoke. eat and drink and smoke and masterbate. eat and drink and smoke and masterbate and watch the fucking gilmore girls.
i've become totally lame, but it's so awesome.
My nuts smell. I try to wash them everyday, and wear boxers that help air circulate. But every day, by the time I'm off work I get home, and my "personal area" has developed a smell of stale sweat.
150 years ago no one learned character from self-help books. The men learned from working in the fields, absorbing the micro-movements of other men of character. Now I'm stuck in therapy, wondering whether I'm ever going to feel right. Blah.
It's 6pm in the afternoon and outside snow is coming down in flurries big enough to see the designs in each flake. They fall in waves, invisibly from the sky, marked by a rhythm too subtle for me to time. One lands on my window and as I stare at it I am reminded of fractals. I am reminded of you, cradling a book in your arms, and looking at the pictures of coastlines and mountains and rivers and snow. I put my hand up against the glass and pretend it's the picture you trace in that book, pretend your hand is what I am touching as the snow melts away into nothing. No one notices, so I keep pretending.
What can I say to you to make things right? What can I do so I would not have to pretend, not have to pretend it's you staring back at me through the window, pretend your head rests on my shoulder, your hair brushing lightly against my arm? What can I do to bring you back to me? Nothing. There is nothing I could say or do. And so I sit with a textbook in my arms, tracing the figures you traced, studying the words you studied.
When I think of you we'd always be in the rain. We'd be walking with our heads down as water soaks us to the bone, you in that black dress you like and uncomfortable heels that bunch your toes together toward the tip. We'd be talking about the future, our future, and our hands would be locked and swinging. I'd look up once in a while to see how you're holding up, but the rain wouldn't bother you. Nothing like that ever did. And your voice, your light melodious voice would carry above the dull thundering of the rain like a tuning fork vibrating for ever and ever into the sky. You told me once that our love was like a beautiful musical note sustained high and eternally in the air. Maybe not in those exact words, but I think that's what you meant. And that note had kept me going, a note I that knew had long since faded into ether.
I'm sorry, sweetie, for doing what I've done. I'm sorry I did not tell you more often when I had the chance just how much that I love you. I'm sorry I took your lovel for granted and threw it away when it's all I've ever wanted and needed. And I'm sorry I'll never see you again, that this letter is all that's left of me for you. But like the snow that melts on glass and the song that ends after the last note, I too go now into the ether, carrying the love I have for you with me.
I wish I could say I was doing the brave thing, the beautiful thing, and the romantic thing. like all of those tragic love stories where the two lovers take their own lives knowing they would never meet again. But I can't. I've never lied to you, and I don't plan on doing it now, even in death. I'm afraid. I'm afraid of living and never being loved by you again. I'm afraid what I carelessly discarded will never be found again, and I'm afraid all that I will have for the rest of my life is a poem and a photograph of you. I am sorry, but I couldn't live like that. I couldn't live without pretending, but I couldn't live and keep on pretending, so this was what I had to do.
Sometimes I'd go on for days without sleeping, go on and on until I'm exhausted with work and in the subways, during that lull between facing the world and facing myself, a ghost of you would sit down next to me and push the hair back on my face. You'd frown when you feel the moustache on my chin and look distastefully at me. Wake up, you'd say. Shave that ugly thing off. Do something with your life. You'd put your palm over my heart, and tell me you're still there, that you're always there. As long as your heart beats, you whisper in my ear, I'll always be here. And then I'd wake up and believe it for a while and shave. That's what you are to me, you know. You are my beating heart. You'll always be my beating heart.
And so now I say farewell to you, my beloved, my sweet and beautiful S. Even though you were never mine and I have passed beyond this world, know that I too will be in your heart for as long as it beats, and that if there is a god in this Universe who even remotely cares about giving us an afterlife, I would love you for the rest of eternity.
C. H.
IMPORTANT NOTE: This letter was written over and over again in the six months of my depression a couple of years ago, when S. H. and I were getting my affairs in order for my suicide. I wrote three letters to the three people I felt had the most impact in my life, and S. L., I felt, was the most important. These letters were supposed to be given to S. H., T. K., and S. L. shortly after my death, which never occurred. I came out of my depression after a long hard look at myself and moved on, but I've shown S.H. and T.K. the letters I wrote for them. S. L. is never to read this letter, mostly because after much soul searching I realized that I've already done too much to hurt her, and when I die she is not to know about it. It is better that she moves on with her life oblivious of my own, that she be happy and beautiful, with a loving man and many loving children. But here it is now, under the anonymity of the internet. My friends would totally bitch and moan if I posted this on my blog...
:-p
i wish i hated her, but i still love her, but i wont forever and i cant wait untill i dont.
I feel so alienated.
I'm not finding connections anywhere. I know it's my own fault. I don't call people and I don't communicate. But I don't know how to stop feeling brushed off when the three people I depend on as crutches don't have the time to constantly coddle me. I get sick when I think about how lonely I am. I hate it. I'm not anywhere, I'm not doing anything, I want to die. I don't really but someone mentioned suicide on railroad tracks and the image has been lingering. I feel really unattractive, and so sexually frustrated that it's turning back in on itself, whatever that means, but that's the only way I can explain it. I'm lashing out in weird, depraved ways, like the fake OKCupid account that came from who knows where, or that bizarre dream, or making retarded-10-year-old jokes. I'm regressing. I swing back and forth from emotional highs and lows so rapidly, and it's tiring. I was so happy yesterday. I feel so lethargic and creatively stagnant. I am dead and exhausted and I'm not functioning well, and I need a vacation, and I need to know I am IMPORTANT to SOMEONE. That's the problem, I think. I feel like I could pretty much disappear and it would only be a ripple. How emo, huh? But there's no one I love who I get to come into direct contact with every day. There's no one I can even talk to. My mom would flip out, I've dumped waaaay too much shit on my boyfriend already, I've used up my quota, Jane's lovely but too compassionate, and I just need to be sad for a while, I can't take being complimented into complacency. And I don't know what Misty is, these days. I think she subconciously (or conciously?) hates me. I'm five hundred and sixty miles away from everyone I really love. That hurts. I want to blame it on the pill very much. That doesn't make it better, though. That doesn't mean I have the energy or strength to go through these crashes every week.
Boyfriend, I am so frustrated, because I love you so much, and I don't know why but sometimes I get so FRUSTRATED with you. I miss you so much and I can't do enough to tell you so, and if you return the sentiment, I feel like you're jsut going through the motions. We're almost always talking about the most banal things, which is fun, but I NEED you so badly right now. I don't know. That isn't fair. I don't know what I need.
I sort of hate myself right now. I don't know what's wrong with me. I need to sleep. I love you, Boyfriend. So, so much. I'm so terrified of ruining this. I think about it a lot, and I think about the things you say are wrong with Ex-Girlfriend and I'm absolutely terrified of becoming that. I don't know i don't know i don't know. I want to die.
There are entirely too many stressed out, hyped up people who need to learn to releax and toke up a few bongloads. Weed is great and if you believe the government, then you're stupider than I thought.
I think I have VD. For real, I think I got burned.
common get your guts together and make a move. I'm sick of waiting. You know that feelings are mutual so what is holding you back?
The sheep are here. Despair. Hideous stumbling feet. The walls are melting.
My god, my god.
p.s. The above entry was written in crayon.
So how many times do we chose to love someone we know is not right for us, just to avoid being alone?
i drink the air but it's still not the same. Doing crystal meth will lift you up til you break. I was taking sips of it through my nose and i wished i could chop another line like a coda with a curse.
I digress...
my boyfriend J treats me better than any man ever has. i adore him. i am very happy.
i broke it when i said i had to go. But i felt i couldn't stay. It was so wonderful to sleep in your arms, but i knew if i stayed we'd have to talk about what it meant.
And i didnt' want it to end.
now i'm more confused than ever.
Here I am again feeling sullen and surly. Second, my apologies for misspelling and gramatical errors. I came to this site while surfing for other tragic tidbits to read about. People really do have some problems. This is not a new found realization, its just a statement. But, it doesn't mean that I won't complain about, in comparisson, my own trivial grievances. Should I complain because when I woke up this morning I was still alive? How about that my marriage has turned into a slow motion train wreck? Perhaps my utterly and miserably failing business? How about that one of my last complaint sessions was rejected for questionable content? How does that work? What's that about? Is everything in this world so guarded that you cannot honestly express yourself? Big Brother is a prick. How many times have I been chided for what I've said? Or bit my tongue to keep from saying what I think? I don't think people in general like the truth when its true and they deffinitly don't like opinions that are not theirs. And god forbid, and I say god due to lack of a better word, you should try not to be one of the sheep and not have enough money to make it possible. I hate being a sheep. But I still don't have enough money to buy my way out of sheephood. Is it even possible anymore to not be a sheep? Maybe I'm suffering from delusions of grandure? Maybe, since I'm almost fourty, this is the onset of my "mid-life-crisis"? Who ever thought that up? What if I only live to be fourty? Does that mean when I was twenty and full of piss and vinegar that I was suffering from "mid-life-crisis"? How did I come to feel so jaded? Synical? Why do I not take joy in anything around me anymore? I put on the cheerful lie though when I interact with people. But mostly I'm just sad. You can take that as a personal inflection or an emotional one. It doesn't really matter what you think of me. My niece left me a note on my desk the other day, the note said I was the best ever and was punctuated with an exclamation point with the little dot made into a flower. That was the best I have felt in quite some time. She did truelly bring a smile to my face and make me feel good about me. I called her and thanked her for her note.
I want to be an actor. Its the only thing I really find joy in. Its the one thing I'm very good at.
I dont think I can do it though. I'm not brave enough to make a leap of faith to try for soemthing that very likely wont pay any bills. Going to college for this seems silly.
I never told you how much I love you. I just assumed you knew. We finally saw each other for the 1st time recently, and I thought everything went swimmingly. There were somethings I would have changed- we could've talked more while I was there- I was so entranced by seeing your face that I was speechless for 3 days. But not even a month after I left you had found someone else. I've been in love with you since I was 14 (now in my early 20's)... and you claimed that you've always been in love with me too, but you still found it so easy to let me go.
You crush my heart, over and over again. All I want is to be given the chance to love you, but every time I try you walk away.
I'm leaning on you now, because we're still "friends" and I need your support. This is the 1st time you've given support to me since we first met. Why are we still "friends"? You claim that some people just never "go away" in our lives. Why don't you want a clean break? If you're with someone else, shouldn't you want that? Why are you still clinging to our "friendship" ?
Knowing you is a blessing, but it's also complete torture. I want from you what you won't give me. I wish you could devote your heart to me the way you do people that aren't 1200 miles away. Obviously, that's asking a lot- but you should know that if given the time (less than 6 months) here to pick up some things- to get myself right, financially- dammit, I'd be there in a jiffy.
I know you still carry me in your heart, somewhere. I wish we weren't both afraid to let us happen. I wish we both weren't holding back, that we both could be open and honest to each other. I think we're learning now that we're each as crazy as the other.
Why won't you give me a chance? & why am I still clinging to you as you are me? You've treated me horribly by choosing to be with other people, but I can't blame you, and I still want to be with you, even though I'm seeing someone else now too. We should let this die- but something in each of us refuses to give up what we have- even if it's just "friendship". Why is that?
I dream about the world ending. About 50 survivors and myself end up on a train heading west, towards clean land where the apocalypse didn't sully (whatever the apocalyspe may be--I can never tell in the mornings.) On the train I meet a little girl named Megan, who has lost her parents. Her eyes are bright blue, her curls sun bleached blonde. I take her under my proverbial wing, and keep her safe during the long trek out of hell. Eventually I band together with a handful of others and we search out a vacant farm to begin anew, to start life over. Megan's father comes riding in one day on the back of a rusty blue pick up truck and, suddenly, I realize I know him. We're to be married. (Funny, how that works in dreams. You'd think I'd recognize my future husband's daughter.) He's back from a war and I'm so angry for him leaving, yet so thankful he's alive and found me. All I can say as I cling to his body is "Thank God, thank God, I love you, don't ever leave again." As life becomes routine on the farm, I start training horses for plowing and riding, my husband makes his rounds as the doctor. Little Megan helps me with dinner and life is wonderful.
Funny, how the world had to end for that to happen.
So yeah, you know that feeling. Like there is this huge potential inside just waiting to burst out, but it never does. That dish falls, the car doesn't start. Something gets you every time.
How do I let it flow? How do I rise above the hype and truly shine? And how do I make a cool million while doing it?
I'm going to just start typing. I may sound confused or unsure but I'm going to be open and exposed. I've been stressed out A LOT lately. It's been affecting my sleep and my attitude. Sometimes I can be set off so easily. My financial situation hasn't changed. Living from paycheck to paycheck. Hardly anything in the savings. It's a darn good thing I'm handy and can fix things because I can't afford to buy replacements. My credit is shot. At one point 4 years ago, I lost my job and had to deplete everything to feed the family. Thankfully, I've been steadily employed. I'm just now catching up but my credit was affected. I make decent money but no bank will give me a loan to buy a house - this pains me that I can't even buy a house and I'm in my early 40's. I feel like I'm spiraling down this hole of hopelessness. Thankfully, my wife is understanding...but i wish I could give her more. She deserves more. I feel like nothing will change for the better. These are things that bother me and eat at me when self-pity sets in - when I let it. I want to choose to think positive. I have shelter and food and clothing. I need to get over myself. Just know this...you're not the only person who feels useless and hopeless. If I could tell you it'll get better, I would. I know it will. I tell myself that. Don't give up. Don't give up hope. Dear God, help me. Help me to trust and have hope.
I am in love with a married man. We are having an affair and it's killing me. I crave affection so badly that I have stooped too low as to do this. I feel like I have nothing to offer anyone financially and emotionally I feel as empty as the grand canyon.
I am a fairly hard working person. Although I'm always trying to improve in that area. I'm a computer programmer who's currently between jobs.
I have the best wife and two children a guy could want. In six years of marriage we've hardly had a fight. We can't stand to be apart from each other. I'm extremely happy.
I'm a conservative christian who just recently started going to church again after several years away. And although I've had my doubts I think I know now what faith is.
I also smoke pot as much as I want when I have it. Unfortunatly I currently live where there is only ditch weed. I wish it was legal, the world would be a better place. I wish I had some right now, but I don't care that much. Life is OK without it too.
I wish I felt more comfortable about speeking out on the issue. Freedom of speech? Yeah unless you admit to breaking the law. Even a law as bogus as laws against weed. I'm not a US basher though. I think this country is great in many ways. There's no perfect system though right?
Prohibition needs to end now.
im in love with my girlfriend, im in love with the other girl. or maybe im in love with an idea, or im clutching a love straws, grasping at the idea that this is love. im craving human affection and i dont want it misjudged as anything but pure desire for physical contact. i havent lived with my girlfriend for 3months and i see this other girl daily, for the last 3 months. they're nothing alike, except for both sharing my affection. nobody knows, nobody. im worried that i won't ever be able to express it with as much clarity as it deserves because nobody will understand maybe because even i dont have a fully understanding of it. maybe with time it will pass. i never knew what self doubt was. now its all i know.
she never knew . I have liked her since 7th grade, and she never knew. When i finnaly tried to tell her via love letter(anonomus) she thought it was crepy. I still liked her. She has had 2 boyfriends and has asked me advice on all of them. it's hard because i want her to dump them all and like me. I guess she never will though. It's funny, cause there were so many signs, like the pursuasive and how i alwas stared at her. I think i should leave her alone for now, but it's hard when i have 6 calsses with her and she sit's next to me in most of them. I dont know what to do. It;s getting annoying and i think i should just tell her my felling or leave her alone. Im not shure whick one to pick, but it will take a lot of contemplating.
im in love with somebody else. we are planning our future together. but i still love somebody else. i read this piece of writing by him last night and wanted to cry. the reason i couldnt be with him before was because he always made me want to cry. partly because his writing was so beautiful.
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From a series of Attempts at the Reclamation of Trust:
3.)
excited, i didn't mean to stare. i was just excited. i wanted you to breathe. long, and barely audible as forests. strong. deep. a slightly swelling stream. something to bathe in while overloaded with oxegen fresh images on full surround... circarama before it was rocket cars, you know? i think i wanted something like that. something with enough air to blow those goddamn clouds right out of your raging irises. clarity in motion. clarity with purpose: life! and oh were my pores desiterating the exhalation of your dreams, wide with hope and ugliness. i wanted so desperately for you to respire the spaces between - needed so much for you create in me something unified and included.
with sparkles at the edges of sight, i swear i saw rising in your chest. in colorful flashes of light you were daring, courageous and strong! i knew those things would take you to new life, bursting from overfilled lungs of kinetic atmosphere with which to shout back at the world, "Ha"! i knew you could teach me then how to do it just so. i was only overly excited to share in your discoveries.
love cannot be without risk, i thought, blue of face.
My girlfriend doesnt seem to be interested in me anymore
I'm lonely. I never used to be, but now I am all the time.
None of my friends remember who they used to be. I miss them.
We were in a club last night, not together but with lots of different friends. They played a cheesey christmas song.. and she sent me a text "all i want for christmas is you.. xx" So.. I see her slightly later and she is cold. Not cold as in bodily heat, but as in she pretty much ignores me. Its not that she is shy.. far from it. Is she playing some kind of game?! I don't know whats going on there..
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