Anonyblog

Don't want it but I do

I've somehow acquired a fuck buddy. I don't want him as a fuck buddy because I am afraid of liking this guy. But on the other hand, I am getting laid, and he's a sweetheart. It isn't going to last forever. Should I just enjoy it? I don't think I can since I am just waiting for this situation to end. If he was all for having a relationship, I think I would be happy. But he isn't even long-term material. Does this mean I am using him? I don't want to use him, either.

Absolute Truth Exists

“Beware of no man more than of yourself; we carry our worst enemies within us.” -Charles Spurgeon.

I just want to spend more time with him, but I don't know how to ask. And even though he speaks to me more than he does anyone else, I feel exhausted when I think of how I have to constantly reach out to get what I need from him. And when I do, I feel like a burden. It's not him though, it's me. And knowing that makes it all the more frustrating.

I meet married man more than single. They, with the exception of two, over the years have always wanted to fuck me. I have never done anything to provoke this but sometimes I wonder if I'm doing it subconciously.

I've known this particular married man for a month and his wife went out of town last night. He called and wanted to come over but I didn't let him. I wanted him to come over and fuck me.

Married men tend to be better in bed. They seem to be more excited and wild because it's 'forbidden' fruit. I wish I would have let him come over. I need a good lay.

Meh

I've just binged...again

Absolute Truth Exists

"I can say that I never knew what joy was like until I gave up pursuing happiness, or cared to live until I chose to die. For these two discoveries I am beholden to Jesus." - Malcom Muggeridge

hello

MY LIFE IS ONE BIG FUCK UP

wel... first i slept with my auntys boyfriend at a very young age, then she found out and never spoke to me or my close family since. i split her and my mum up even though they were the best of friends.
my gran died and my boyfriens cheated on me at the same time and told me on the phone while at the funeral!
he beats me up at least 3 times a week and i cant tell anyone
i cannot leave or he WILL kill me.
he made me have an abortion!!!
and is probably out cheating on me right now!!!
so i think i have every reason to hate my life!!

I screwed my girlfriend's husband

And he enjoyed it. When she told me that he was open to the idea of my filling his anal pore with my ramrod, I jumped at the opportunity. She watched and masturbated while I was getting off and covering a condom full of his poo.

I'm the other woman.

She has been with him for 3 years. They just had a baby 8 months ago. She went out of town and he fucked the hell out of me.

I don't feel like I thought I would. I thought I would feel awful but I don't. I just want it to happen again.

ever since i gave blood to the red cross they keep calling my house, and i dont want to donate again because i got sick for the whole day and had to go to my shitty job later on (im 18 and work part time) and ended up getting yelled at by my boss for the arm band (it was against the dress code) and now i can't save lives because if it happens again i'm getting fired. i hate my boss.

Don't know what to do about this girl

This friend of mine, I'm getting worried about her. She's got some problems. She's been getting real messed up in drugs lately. I mean, she's been doing everything. I don't want to see her od on heroin and die.

She's been really deperessed since her best friend died nearly a year ago. She's told me that's why she does drugs, because she's all depressed. That she doesn't see a point in living if your best friends can just die out of nowhere.

I don't know what to do. I mean, I've already told her how I feel. I don't have anything against drugs, just be responsible with them. I love this girl and I wish she wasn't so damn sad all the time. I wish I could do something to make her happy, or at least feel better, but I can't. I see her maybe once or twice a month and talk with her for a little while, it doesn't seem like things are getting any better with her. Things seem to be getting worse. She used to talk about going to college and getting a degree in whatever it was she wanted to get one in, but now all she talks about is drugs. Doing drugs and selling drugs, that's all she talks about now.

I really don't know what to do. I knew her from highschool, we dated for a little bit, it's been a few years since we've been out. I don't know any of the friends she has now. She doesn't live with her parents so it's not like it would do much good to tell them about what's going on, and I'm pretty sure she wouldn't appreciate that anyway. I'm not a rat you know.

Anyways, guess I'll check up on the comments you guys leave in a day.

They always say never forget the people who were there on your way up and that's true. . .
but it's also true that I promise to never forget the people who tried so hard to pull me down

I'm so fucking stupid!!!

I did something really dumb. I drank my self stupid and fucked around on the only woman who ever really cared for me. I know I only kissed her but the guilt is overwhelming. I could care less what happens to me but I couldn't live with myself for hurting her. Why didn't I tell her to take a hike when she first tried to kiss me? I have been Praying to GOD every minute for the last 2 days. Praying that I won't end up with something that gets passed on to her. There's so much shit out there like herpes, mono, hepatitus and who knows what else. Never again!!! I'm done with the alcohol. It's not that I drink often but when I do I drink way too much and lose my senses. I'm getting exactly what i deserve. I can't sleep and I've lost my appetite. I spend every minute thinking about what a stupid ass I was. God I only pray that the woman was clean. From this moment forward there will be no more drinking. ever.....I'm done. I'm sure someone out there will tell me exactly how fucked up I am and that I deserve this but believe me when I say you can't make me feel any worse than I do right now. Unless you're a doctor and diagnose me with some fucked up disease. Someone please shoot me!

i can't seem to tell anyone really, and i don't know why. i'm afraid my friends might think i'm completely crazy, but i have a suspicion that they know i like him more than i say. the whole situation is ridiculous anyway...i have nothing in common with him, he's leaving soon, and i know he's infatuated with someone else. i mean, she doesn't seem attractive, and she has the personality of a rock...and she's- in my opinon- a bitch. it seems to me that she'll settle for him, and they'll live in some nice house off in long island. and he'll love her more than she learns to love him. i don't want her there. i want him for myself. which is silly, and selfish of me. i feel happy when i think of him, and when he hugs me and when he bores me...he even makes me happy with his stupid anecdotes because i love the way he gets excited over them. i know i should feel guilty for pining over him so much, but it's a small bit of happiness in my life. that maybe one day, just a kiss...that's all i want, just to get over him. to say that he wasn't a good kisser anyway, and go back to being his friend. ugh. why does he have to be the perfect balance of adorable and arrogance? i want to stop this infatuation...i want to be with him.

i dont know what to do with my life. everyone around is trying to pressure me into something that i dont want to do. if they're not doing that, they're criticizing me. i'm cutting a lot of the ties to my past because i dont know how else to go about bringing the friendships back to life. i guess i'm not that good at being independent. but i hate following the bandwagon. i'm such a hypocrite. you don't know me, nobody knows me, and i don't even know me. i've changed so much since just the beginning of this year that i don't know who i am anymore.

maybe it was the little things that built up to the explosion during a small event. the fight was stupid. we were both stupid. one was left crying with two at her house, not knowing what to do. you two were pissed off and didn't care, except for an apology that you wouldn't have given if your positions had been reversed. they did, and i don't understand why they did. i feel bad for the one left crying at home over something so stupid. i guess that's life.

Seriously, what would happen if....

I walked up to you in a grocery store and said; "I think you are beautiful, no not just beautiful but breathe taking gorgeous. Yes, I am married and happily at that but I still want you for a night. No holds barred, one night of nothing but making each other feel amazing, one night of searing passion, one night that will ever be branded deep into our memories.” And the next time we meet we would share a secret smile as we tap our shared taboo stash of memoirs.

So I ask you ladies out there married and single. What would happen if......

Absolute Truth Exists

" A saint is not someone who is good, but who experiences the goodness of God." -Thomas Merton

i check this blog everyday, in hopes that someday i'll read a post and recognize it's from you, about me....and how you have missed me all these years, how you regret the way things ended....and how you would do anything now to get me back

Iv come to far in my lieing i have a hard time remembering whats real and whats not. I tell my lies to so many people so offend that i have started to believe them and have to remind myself that it isnt real. I fell in love with a guy i made up. I was sick of hearing my friend talk about all these guys so i made one up. He was perfect in every way, i talk about him all the time, and make up new stories about him on a daily basis. Iv fallen in love with a guy who doesnt exsist. I lie about some of the most trivial things. i NEVER think before i talk and i usually lie, Example "Where were you?" "Out to eat with matt" when really i was at sarahs house. I dont know why i do this, but i do. Ill add on things to make my stories more interesting, ill lie about somthing someone said to me to either make me look better or make them look like an idiot. Is there somthing wrong with me? This doesnt make me a pathelogical liar does it? Im kinda scared that ill never stop lieing, and i certianly cant stop lieing about the things iv already started lieing about because then everyone would know i was lieing and may never believe me again. Whats wrong with me?

I love pop punk...it makes me happy. And I don't care about hiding it anymore! I'm sick of listening to depressing music....

I'm so scared that I will fail the Math B Regents Exam tommorow, I've been bad at math all my life and if I don't get this I won't get my Advanced Regents Diploma. I'm going to review class today, but whenever I try to study I get stressed out because of all the stuff I don't know. :( I'm good at all my other subjects, why did I even sign up for Pre-Calculus??? I'm going to major in English...why does a stupid math test have to count so much in my life?

i'm losing you, i've been losing you, and i'm afraid that this time it's for good. i've feared losing you, i never should have become so attached, and it's killing me inside. i refuse to cry when other people talk about you. i refuse to cry when i read what you've written again and again in a little notebook in my closet that i'm pretty sure i'll keep forever. i can't help but cry when i remember what everything was like. how we talked and what we talked about, how we understood each other so well. i used to think you were one of my best friends, even if i knew that could never happen under the circumstances. you would always have your best friends and i would always have mine. but there was always something about you. maybe it was the way you could talk to me, without criticizing me or being angry at me, just wanting to help and be here. now you're not. i don't have anybody to talk to about the important things. but there is nothing important anymore, i can't talk to you about losing you. that would sound so stupid. this will sound so stupid when i read it another day. but right now, it's the only way to stop the pain, if only a little bit, and to stop these tears from ruining me.

i still remember. it was december. i didn't know you. you just recognized me, you knew nothing about me, you knew nothing of my depression, because when i was there, i was happy. all you did was wave. and that wave made a difference. you were funny, talkative. you were in ninth grade. and that was pretty cool. so i found your xanga from ben's, and i IMed you, and we talked about the most random things in the world. talking about random things evolved into talking about serious things. some nights, it caused me to cry at my computer screen. some nights, it really did make me laugh out loud. you were my hero. i don't know anymore. i felt like i knew you so well within such a short amount of time. i started to hang out with your friends, but two obviously didn't like me, so i stopped. and then we grew apart, you went to another school that i could not attend. we lost what we had before, and we couldn't find anything to say to each other. i didn't know what to say to you.

one night, you talked to me about two boys. i listened, i understood. i tried to help. i don't know if i did. one night, i told you about cutting. you understood. you helped so much. i stopped cutting. i asked you how you did it. all of it. how you lived your life and helped me at the same time. i knew it wasnt easy. i asked you if you cried. you said you did. i was sad. i didn't want you to cry.

one day, your boyfriend IMed me. he told me to stop complaining to you about being depressed. he said you have enough to worry about and i dont need to fucking make it worse. i tried to stop talking to you. i couldn't. i never told you about your boyfriend. i never will.

after i met you, i told my best friend about you. i introduced you to her. we were all friends. my best friend and i walked to your house, or road bikes. it was easy on bikes, but on foot, it was farther than you'd think. we made the effort because we were friends, and we liked to talk to you, even if it wasn't usually for a long time.

i started biking to your house after school. i did it in the summer, too. by then, i knew where other people lived. you weren't the only one i visited that summer, but you were the one i visited most often.

about a week before school ended, your boyfriend broke up with you and broke your heart. i was there for you. we all were, everyone who loves you. you told me you couldn't eat anything. you told me you cried. you told me about your brother seeing you cry. i felt so badly for you. after three days, you still were barely eating. i was sick. i called someone and asked her to try and make a difference. you respected her. i knew that. and i respected you. i didn't want you to hurt yourself over your ex-boyfriend.

my best friend and i made a card for you. we walked to your house and gave it to you. it had all of the nicknames we'd ever called you. probably more. it was in different colored pencils. we wanted to make you feel better. we told you we'd always be here. i still am. my best friend probably is too. i don't know where you are. you obviously don't need us. i guess that's good, because that means life is okay. but i still miss it.

we did the play together. that was the first time you looked at my arm, and told me you loved me. i tried to tell you the same, but the words were stuck in my throat.

you were competing against others in your grade, trying to get the most toiletries. you might have lost. but my best friend and i didn't want you to lose. so we counted how many you and the other contestants had, and went out and bought toiletries. you brought in a zillion too, and so did your sister. we procrastinated. you won. we were happy watching you and your then boyfriend parade around the gym in UGLY capes. we were proud.

and now you're gone. all of that is missing. i didn't do the play because it wouldn't have been the same, and i wanted it to be the same. i took chorus because singing reminded me of you. i took art because you were good at ceramics, and i wasnt, so i did something artistic. i stayed after and talked to madame sometimes because you did. i ran for v.p. because you had been president. i lost, but i tried. i'm continuing with ap ss next year because you did. and i'm realizing most of this now.

i loved your sister, too. she was amazing. we dont talk now, either. but it hadnt been the same. since you're birthday, i've seen you twice. that was october 2005. it's january 2006. nothing is ever the same, because things change. i know that.

but i wish we could be the same. i wish we could always talk to each other. i wish it were like eighth grade again, when i wasnt shy of telling you what i thought about us. maybe we're both afraid to talk to each other again. maybe it's just me. maybe you realize what's happened. maybe you don't. but i do, and it hurts so bad. it hurts so bad...and most nights all i can do is cry myself to sleep like i used to before i met you. but now it's because of you. before it was because life sucked. now it's because life sucks and i can't talk to you about it, because i don't know how to.

i wish you could see that you're hurting me like nobody else has ever hurt me before, but i'm not going to tell you that. because i don't want to hurt you, either.

I never told anyone

I grow alot of facial hair, which I shave everyday... I'm a woman... I wear make up to cover it up and sometimes I stay awake at night afraid that someone noticed it... I hate this, I would be pretty -scratch that- I'd be beautiful if it wasn't for that, and sometimes I get really mad at God for this.

Absolute Truth Exists

"The Christian ideal has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found difficult and left untried."
-G.K. Chesterton

H4Ck3d 0Ff

I was hacked once, thats why i became a hacker, but now i think im obsessed. I cant help doing things i know i shouldnt.

People tell me that I'm so pretty, but I'm so shy in school that most of my classmates think that I'm stuck up. I don't think I'm better than anyone else, I think that everyone is better than me...when I am away from a mirror I still think of myself as that buck toothed chubby faced girl and I cannot get over this when I talk to people. I think I am constantly being judged, and I hate it.

Bleeding Hearts, Baby.

I would do anything to get this tattoo, but I am too scared that 20 years from now that I will regret it.

I am in love with you, I am so in love with you. And you feel the same, it is so wonderful and everytime I think about you I cannot stop smiling. Even though you have more talent than me...you can sing, you can act, you are so handsome, you are so smart, so charming, so warm...and you can write. Your writing is what is going to allow us to marry early, and when your books comes out you will be famous. You are going to be as famous as C.S. Lewis, although so much younger. We are going to make history together, my love. And yes, this is real. His book will be out soon, he is 19 years old, but I will not release his name yet. He dedicated his book to me...a whole dedication to a girl that no one knows, except for him. And I am content with this, and I cannot wait until we can move to New York together. I may be young, but I know this is right. I am one of those annoying people that found their true love at such an early stage in their lives, and I am so lucky and know it. I cannot wait to see you tonight, I love you.

If I really spoke what I was thinking, what I was feeling, nobody would ever want to be with me. My voice would be too loud.

The New South

College is supposed to be the greatest four years of one's life.

Not this college.

I go to a regional university way out in BFE, working towards a bachelors degree in history. Goddamn. The only thing you can do with a BA in history is teach. I don't want to fucking teach. I don't like children. If I have a son or daughter of my own someday, I suppose I will like them. But other people's children? It's not so much that I don't like them; I just don't particularly like being around them. High school kids included. I don't want to fucking teach. I'm interested in history simply because it puts the present in perspective. I have a talent for it, have already accumulated some amount of knowledge, so hell, a bachelor's degree being as essential as it is, might as well get one in a subject I'm good at. But if the past makes so much sense to me, perhaps it is because I can make no sense out of the future. Particularly my own.

Many people think of history, whether it be American, European, East Asian, whatever, as a series of wars. After all, wars shape the political landscape, that is, war is the force necessary to rearrange where the lines on a map are drawn. And every history teacher I have ever had always begins class with a map. And if it is not maps, then it is dates. A long, dry series of dates. Dates of what? Invariably, dates of wars, coronations, foundings, elections, assassinations, you know, political history. It never fails. When one takes a history course, when one pursues a major in history, they are not studying "history" in its broad, overwhelming totality. That is impossible. All they are studying, all that is taught, is politics. In our culture, the historical narrative we use as a framework for understanding that which was and, ultimately, that which is, is invariably a political narrative. And that pisses me off.

It pisses me off because I find politics to be an infinitely shallow field. This person was in power and did this, and then there was a war, and someone else took over, undid everything, and redid it in their own way. There is no rhyme or reason to it. There is no pattern. Everybody wants to be in power. Everybody wants to have their say, because having a say in things means freedom. That is why we hold democracy in such esteem, not because it is an inalienable right, but because it invests its citizens with power, by which they are better able to exert their will. Blah blah blah.

What about a history of life? Of art? Music? Matter of fact, fuck history. What about life today? Today's art? Today's music? I want so badly to study art and music in an environment where it is not dictated to me what constitutes art and music. These are the things I truly love. They are the essence of my being. Therefore, it is nobody's place to define them for me.

What the fuck am I doing here? I should be in New York or something. I do not belong here. I hate it here. What the fuck am I doing here? There is an answer to this question.

I am here because I was born here. This is where my dumbass family has been for two hundred some-odd years. This is where I went to high school. I was never a part of my high school. I hated it. They weren't particularly bad people or anything. There was just no way for me to identify with them. So naturally I never gave a damn, made poor grades, was always in trouble, while in the meantime my cousin (whom I'll refer to as "happyass") was well loved by everybody, was voted Most Popular his senior year, while I was surely a contender for least popular. I never had sex when I was in high school. I never went on a date. I never even kissed a girl. I have no physical deformities, I am of a good bodyweight for my height (6'1" 180 lbs), but I can be socially awkward and off-putting. I don't try to be, but for some reason I just can't click socially.

I fell in love with the girl I lost my virginity to, and now I'm going to college where she's going to college. She's the only person who has shown interest in my quirkiness. I know many people have it worse then I do, but as it is with all of us, in our darkest hours it is hard to see it that way. I just want to find my niche. I get so tired of feeling like an outsider all the time.

Oh yeah, and I spent the night in jail Sunday because I was caught with 1.1 grams of pot, plus pariphernalia. I realize I broke the law and everything, but what a goddamned stupid law. I like to smoke pot. I work hard at school, and during breaks I am always employed. At night, when I'm done with my business, I smoke a bowl. And I see nothing wrong with that. Unfortunately, the law doesn't see it quite the same way. I want to leave this place so bad. But at least it's not as bad as jail. Jail sucks.

I want you

Ever since I saw your smile, ever since you looked into my eyes! God I hope you like me, as much as I like you... I know we are from a totall diffrent backgrounds but I care for you and it's really hard for me to tell you that I like you, you'r never alone you'r allways with someone... if only there was no one around and only it was you and me then I can tell you about my feelings towards you...

I like a girl... this girl is messing with my mind! I can't go to sleep without thinking of her.

I love you and I want to be with you

Love dies not a natural death

Love dies in shadows, unseen.
Love dies in surroundings, dishonest and unclean.
Love dies in winters without warmth and in summers just the same.
Love dies without the seasons to blame.
Love dies trapped, as if in a cage;
Love dies young, before its time, never of old age.
Love dies not a natural death;
Love dies alone. Love dies of neglect.

-Erik Ambrose

Absolute Truth Exists

"A man who is eating or lying with his wife or preparing to go to sleep in humility, thankfulness and temperance, is, by Christian standards, in an infinitely higher state than one who is listening to Bach or reading Plato in a state of pride."
-C.S. Lewis

Do i like you?

I think i like you, i want to, we are PERFECT. i know i have high standards, cause i dont want the people i love pulling us and me down
Are you a good person? its kinda impossible to tell. i think you like me, i hope you arent lying.

lets get married, even though you life in the kind of family i hate

Blue Sparrow

The scarecrow walks at midnight.

I love it.

I swore it would stop, but its as strong as ever.

Help. I don't know what to do.
I can't stop. I don't want it ,but i need it.

Here's a REAL confession, fuckers.

I dreamt that I had sex with a 10-year-old girl. Her chest was smooth and flat, and her face was divine. This isn't the first time this has happened. It's involuntary but it's changing me.

Mainly I think about it when some asshole tells everyone to "reveal one of their secrets" at a job orientation or something. When it comes to me, I'm going to scream it out loud. But I never do. I make up something instead.

I know, I should kill myself now. But what would you do if you were in my place? Think about it. You wouldn't kill yourself. You would try to get over it.

I'm going to go watch a movie with my friends. I won't tell them shit. You probably have a friend with this same problem, and he ain't telling you. He never will.

So what if all of those fucking bitches have got early entry to their colleges and i dont ? What's wrong with them, telling me about the high quality lectures they have and all. Now i can't screw my results up, and i can't disappoint anyone anymore. Everyone tells me there's no fucking future in the arts here, but i want to study arts. So what am i going to do ? Is it my fault that i can't make it in the education system here ? I mean, i don't know if i even have a future. Just kill me; i don't want to stay here and face my parent's disappointed faces. What's the point if they don't seem to understand ? And i even might be pregnant, and my boyfriend's not really helping, all he does do is just say that he'll be there for me, but is he really ? Honestly. If i get an abortion will i ever be able to concieve again ? Fuck, i feel hopeless. I'm screwed, inside out and rightside up.

I've been with him for 6 years and he keeps telling people that he's going to propose, but it hasn't happened. I don't want to start over. I'll wait until I get a full time job and set an ultimatum. I hate ultimatums.

I love him. But I can't tell him.

I HATE YOU!

I hate emotional immature people...
I hate immature people

I hate some of the people who are around me... just using me for what I know, their jelouse. :(
I can't trust no one! When they need my help they come to me, and when I need their help they just ignore me! and they call me their friend!!!!

THEIR FUCK HEADS THAT'S WHAT THEY ARE!!! I try to ignore them but they just pop out of nowhere! I try to ignore them but their annoying as hell...

I have a good soul I'm a good guy I've never done anything bad in my life!!!!

WHY GOD WHY ME!!!! MY LIFE IS HELL I HATE IT... :(

Everyone thinks I'm the happiest guy in the world,,, I pretend I'm happy... but deep down inside I'm alone

They make jokes about me and they make up stories behind my back... it hurts :(

I cry

Yes I even told them to stop but they never stop!!! ARGHHH I JUST WANT TO BITE THEIR HEADS OFF!!!!! TILL THEY DIE

Note: I'm not ugly or fat or some person full of zits! I take care of myself so don't assume I'm a loner!

He Left Me

Day One:
If I could be sweeter, you would love me again. If I was better. I wish I could feel your touch right now. I don't know how I am going to get through this. I knew you didn't want me, damn it. Why did it have to come to this? Last night we were talking about our wedding. Remember? I was going to have the beautiful purple flowers? I went to sleep happy about that! And today? You don't want me anymore. What has changed? I wish I was better for you. Then you wouldn't think I am such a loser. But I am a LOSER! I feel like one. I would give anything in the world to be with you right now. I crave your hug, the one that lets me know everything is alright. The one that lets me know you care, but I don't think that hug is coming. Not to me. I feel like I have lost a part of me. I want to say, but I will do better!! But, I fear you won't try with me. Not that you would even want to give me that chance. I do feel like all is lost here. I fear the future. I fear seeing small little things that remind me of you, and weeping because I miss you so much. Your touch, your gaze, your smile, your hair, your whole body. I don't know what to do, cry... call someone for help, ...leave,... what about my cats?? I love them!! I love you... Please come back to me... Please....

Day 2
Seriously, you call me, tell me your going to take me to my Mimi's. You get here, and you get down on one knee and ask me to marry you again. I cry, we talk, BAM you don't want me anymore. We go to my Mimi's, we get home, you leave. You come back hours later, you want to sleep. Where should you sleep, you ask me. I tell you with me. You say you would like that. We start to go to bed, I say your not ready (cause you aren't dressed for bed), and you take your boxers off. I get happy and smiley, start to take my shirt off. "Why are you getting happy, nothing has changed, oh I guess its just cause we are going to bed together." Ok wierd. We lay down together, in each others arms, you tell me you love me. YOU GET A BONER. We talk about my Mimi. You tell me you want to talk more in the morning. You roll over, and I hold you still. You tell me how much you love me, sweet dreams. Then we went through our pet names "Lauren Sqaure, Jacob Bear, Honey Bunny, Funny Money, Boo Boo Butt, Poo Poo Strut." We fall asleep. 3:50 AM I wake up to you standing over me with an orange flash light. I get scared, I don't know what is going on. You say you didn't mean to wake me. You are sorry. You're getting a book and leaving. LEAVING? Didn't we just sleep naked together?? You say you left a note. You leave...... I am so confused.

Day 3
You come home last night singing, You Are So Beautiful to me, to me. You tell me you want to work through everything. You tell me you want me. We talk. You are tired. It's like 8 pm but I am ok with going to sleep with you. I love you. I brush my teeth, and we lay in bed and talk for like five minutes. We go to sleep. I wake up at like 4 something this morning to you with a hard on. We have sex. It's different. I tell you I love you. You don't say anything. I do it again, and you say you love me back. You don't make much noise like you normally do. You start to get soft, and you almost don't cum. You tell me to get on top. I can't, I need to pee. I pee. I'm dry now cause I know something is wrong. I try my damndest to get wet again. I say I can't be on top. You get me to stand up and touch the floor. You do the stuff we always do like that. You cum on my back finally... and down my leg. I cry. You ask me why. I tell you its cause you almost didn't cum, and its never been like that with us. That wasn't all the reasons but I need to take a shower. I ask you if you want to take one with me, you say you took one yesterday. Ok, I go to the shower, I cry, but I sing the song you sang me. I get a bit happier and hope that me crying didn't hurt you too much. I think about what I am going to say when I get out of the shower. I get out, your gone... I call you and you say that your sorry we had sex cause you don't want me to think your using me, but you don't want to be with me. I ask you to come get me to get cigarettes. You tell me to call my dad. I ask you to come get me so I can get some food. You say eat at the house. Finally, you decide to bring me food and cigarettes. You don't get the cigarettes, and leave the food on the door step, and call me so I can get it. You were driving away when I came outside. I get the food, and (on the phone) ask you if you will bring me cigarettes later (you had to eat too). You say maybe. That's the last I heard from you. You told me last night you wouldn't leave me in my sleep, and you didn't. But it was so close to it, its not funny. I am so confused. Why would you want to have sex with me, but leave when I am in the shower, washing off?

Happy Birthday...

...to me! Fuck, I'm old.

I am stuck in an impossible situation. I ruined my relationship with my mother to live with my father, lost my relationship with him over some shit in my own personal blog, had to forge an emergency relationship with my mother while I stayed with her for awhile (it turned into a real relationship later), moved into an apartment to get away from them both, and now I hate my roommates. And they hate me even more.

I spent twenty minutes sitting on the floor with my back to the bedroom door earlier today, listening to two of my roommates bitch about me. All I really wanted to do was be friends.

There's a chance I could switch rooms, but I'm an incurable packrat, and I really don't want to pack and unpack all of my things for the fourth time in less than a month. I hate moving. But if I don't move, I'm stuck here until July 1. After which I'll be living with Mom again until I get a place in Athens.

The Care Bears Movie II and a full pot of coffee await to drown my misery.

u

i miss u!

Hey!! all you rude folks!!

this is to all those rude people in the world. If you have nothing nice to say...Don't say it!! people dontv write here to get judged by others...so, just take all your judgments and grammatical corections and make your lives better. If you all think that you are such experts to be correctine everybody else's English...get a degree and do something useful with it, rather than playing GOD.

Suicide

I hate my life so much. I had severe acne in my teens and my face looks like the moon. I can't get a decent job because of it and there's no guy out there that wants to be seen with me. I have a decent body but I have zits on my back and chest. I can't get rid of them at all. I'm 27 and if I didn't have zits I'd be attractive. I mean, in low light I'm a stunner. But when a guy sees me in high light he runs away. I can't blame him. So, I live alone and seldom go out unless it's to the grave yard shift in the mill I work at. My life is the shits.

School

Well my life is now hell because i got my midterm test grades back and now my parents are mad because i only studied for an hour. So i am just stressed because my parents want me to study all the time now.

Why did you end it?

You have thrown away what would have been the greatest relationship of your life. I love you. I love you more that I have ever loved any other being on this earth. I thought I showed you that everyday. Who else would have driven 12 hours one way every weekend for a month to be with you? Who else would have taken you on vacation to florida and New York AFTER you pulled that stupid shit? I never judged you for your past. That's more than anyone else in your life has done. Your own family wouldn't give you the time of day. If it wasn't for me coming in to your life your Dad still wouldn't be talking to you. After everything I have done for you, given you and all the love I have shown you, you still had to break my heart. And for what? So you could go back to the party life. So you could start getting high without feeling guilty! So you could flaunt your body in the club and have guys stare at you to boost your self esteem. Well I have news for you....you're never going to find anyone better than me! You will be stuck with the same sort of losers that you dated before me. You may be hot but that will only get you a one night stand. Why do you think everyone else cheated on you? After the sex what else do you have to offer? Your a single mother of two kids by two different fathers with an 8th grade education and hick accent that makes daisy duke sound intelligent. Once they find out about your past you have absolutely no value outside of the bedroom. How many other guys are going to take the time to hear all about your life and attempt to understand why you are who you are? Most guys will haul ass after the first ten minutes.

You know the more I write the more I realize that I'm an ignorant fool for not running when I had the chance. Instead i waited for you to screw me over. You destroyed my car, ran up $400 in cell phone bills talking to other guys, lost the $200 watch I bought you and lost my cell phone and never apologized for any of them. In fact you insist that you did no wrong. And after all that I still forgave you. Why? Because my dumb ass is still in love with you. GOD I'm stupid!

choice

Choose to see the beauty or choose to see the ugliness.

The path you choose will lead you, and those in contact with you, through your entire lives.

-Me

Arrogant

This is a great idea. The blog. What isn't so great about it is the copious amount of negative feedback people are leaving for others. Sure, annonymous, be anyone you like- is your inner arrogant fuck longing to lash out?

It's no secret that life is full of shit, piss and assholes- so why be a part of that?

who am i kidding?

certainly not myself. i don't want to be a part of you anymore. i wish you'd forgive and forget me, and maybe in time i can forgive myself and forget you too. i don't want to play your games anymore. you win, like you always do. i'm too tired to fight. i used to think what we had was worth fighting for, but when i realized that i was the only one with my sword drawn i lost hope. not immediately. it was a slow, hurtful process. watching you watch me give up. you did nothing. you still do nothing. you don't even attempt to acknowledge the wrong. if you can't see it, it's not really there. well i see it. i see it all to clearly and i tried to fix it. I tried but I couldn't do it on my own.
now i do nothing more than placate you. it hurts me to do so more than it would you to know about it, but its less than pushing you away as you've done me. as things progress, you'll realize that i'm not what you expect anymore, because i now know where you stand. you'll grow tired and maybe even become angry with me. this time, in your eyes, i will be to blame for the unfortunate turn of events; you'll abandon me yet once more with no reason to come back. i'll learn how to sleep again, but i won't learn how to stop loving you.

Nuts

Janice, I miss sex and everything else we had. I don't understand how you could leave your husband for him and not divorce your him and still set up housekeeping with that guy you work with. Is it possible your more messed up than I thought? And you both work for the Sheriff's Department?

I have thought it over and decided the following, you are out for yourself and no one else, I enjoyed sex but would never have lived with you.

I think you know who you are because I know you read this site. Yes, I guess you could say, I think you fucking need help.

...

My favorite person in the whole wide world died of cancer last year.

Now, whenever I hear about cancer survivors, I hate them all. I wish that they were dead, too.

platonic

i love him very much, and i know he loves me too- but i think we destined only to be friends, nothing more. i will always measure every guy to him.

WARNING! DANGER!

I've been out of jail for a month now. I was incarcerated four months for financial card fraud. You see I was using my Dad's credit card to smoke crack. About 13,000 dollars of it over four months. I'm clean and trying to rebuild my life but no one trusts me. Before I was pawning valuble guitars to buy more crack. Now I am pawning them so I can eat having lost a good job because I could not come up with 50,000 dollars to bond out of jail. About ten years ago I snorted some cocaine in Estes Park. High in the Rockies and high I was. I never thought it would end in the total destruction of my life. I had a friend years ago who got hooked on crack. He was caught jacking off with mayonaise on the job. Red flag Red flag Red flag! I watched other friends loose their houses,jobs and cars but I still loved to suck on a crack pipe. Crack is for professionals. By that I mean crack dealers and crack whores. The average well educated white man can't handle it. Now I'm on intensive probation and the state is giving it to me up the ass hard! Let this be a warning.

Yikes!

I can't believe it. I was walking through the store, when I ran into the girl I have a crush on. Literally, I was running with the cart, and I crashed into her. She now has a rib that is no more broken than it was before, except we're closer now. I asked her to the dance. w00t.

Why

Why is it that every time I try and get into a relationship with a same sex partner I run into nut cases. I'snt there anyone left out there who is safe and sane?

KODYBEAR

A chemically crazed Kodybear careened towards the edge of a cavernous cunt. Cunty Bear! Cunty Bear! he screamed maniacally as he began to slip and slide in the mega moistness. He spied a 400 foot roll of coaxial cable disappearing at an alarming rate into the borehole. Magogo the Singing Dancing Macarena Monkey must surely be descending the blowhole! He jumped in. Much to his dismay he found himself on interstate 13 the monkey tumbling ahead of him as if on an umbilical chord. Ocean City whizzed by in seconds. He reached for the end of the coaxial cable but missed. He could here Magogo screaming, "help me Daddy-------help me Daddy!!!" Stay tuned for the continuing adventures of the KodyBear and Magogo the Singing Dancing Macarena Monkey!

i miss you

it sucks not being with you every minute of my day. i feel as if this is a long distance relationship! i can't even express how hard it is not seeing you, talking to you, spending time with you.

i am in pain, just missing you.

I'll Take One Elephant, Please!

GO STEELERS!

If I knew how, I'd embellish that with fireworks and glitter shooting out of a big bus.

..

Superbowl

I hate that I am stuck in my city because Snoop Dogg wants to have a party next to my house to celebrate the Superbowl. No leaving Detroit, No entering Detroit. Seriously, there is only a couple streets they are going to leave open.

Cant wait.

KODYBEAR

The Kody smiles upon you all!

I need a fuck!!!

Oh yeah, I need a fuck. I'm 42 years old, happily married father of one. But I need to fuck. Yep, I want my dick sucked, licked, and pretty much drooled over. I want her to place her breasts around my shaft and groan. I want to go down on her until she asks to be fucked. I want to do all of this 3 to 4 times in one night/ morning. No, my wife will not give head. Yes, I love y wife. Just one night.....

An observation

I have found that there is a difference between loving the one your married to and simple sex.

Being married is something special that is shared between people that are in love and does not revolve around sex. Love = marriage = family.

SEX is a relief and something that is undertaken for mutual gratification. It makes no difference if it is with the same sex, the opposite sex or sex with yourself, it should be undertaken to feel good. Unlike years gone by, safety is as important as the act itself. I do miss the days when sex was safer. Have sex, enjoy it, and be gratefull for the act itself.

smother

i used to like him sharing my space. but now i feel like it's his, and i'm just living in it. and it doesn't help that he feels the need to be holier than thou to me, either. i felt bad for him, but now that he's feeling too comfortable in my room to fix his problems, he won't leave. i don't know what to do, because if i ask him to leave, i know he'll be seriously hurt

Sad but True

I masturbate to feel good. I have sex to feel wanted.

This Baby Need

So I'm seeing this guy, casually. He's just out of a long term relationship, and I'm just out a short term fucked up something or other. So it's mutual comfort with friendship on the side.

After three months it's more like friendship with lots of comfort on the side. And we get on well, and seem to get each other pretty well.

So around 5 months he's started to see another girl occasionally, she's not around much, but she's pretty, intelligent, witty, talented, fun. I like her, she reminds me of myself a couple of years ago. He likes her too.

This could be bad bad bad.

I've lost a lot of myself this last year or so, become sort of vacant, indecisive, unsure of what I want, or what I'm capable of. I'm left with a vague memory of who I used to be. But that's impossible to explain to someone who's not known you for at least a couple of years. He doesn't know everything I used to be, only half of what I am now.

He doesn't understand why he's not entirely engrossed by her, and I don't understand either.

I don't understand why I don't assert myself, and admit what I want, which is either him or a monogamous relationship type thing with someone similar.

I'm waiting for him to find somebody who enthralls him entirely, and even introduce him to people I think may do, whilst wallowing in my own self pity at the idea of not being the closest person to him anymore.

I've replaced my needs with his needs. I don't put myself first anymore, not that I ever did particularly, but less so now.

I need something to reinvigorate me, but I'm not going to find it sat here moping.

"Like baby needs mom, Like Susie needs dick, This baby needs... Some new kind of kick"

(It's not a real sob story without a lyric quote)

So here's my lesson, don't settle for less than everything you want. And don't settle for someone elses happiness.

j s

I fucking hate uppity secretaries who think they are in charge.

cunting nobodies

why cant i let go

the tail end of the last few years has fucked with my head a lot , i dont trust women anymore and i can t seem to enjoy sex any more it doesnt stopp me form being a socail butterfly and form going out , but i feel so alone , i have no real friends and i feel trapped in a place that has no soul , i ve been tols that i should speak to someone but who is there i want my life to change so much , monkeys could have rulled to universe if they didnt spend so much time eating bannas

him

we aren't dating. we aren't having sex. but...we are. we're so scared of relationahips we oush everyone away but eachohter, and date, but dont call it that.
I wonder how much this will hurt later on?

i love him, but i'm addicted to phone sex with other men.

Hair graying

I'm a few weeks from one of my middle age birthdays, and I don't mind the gray hairs. I don't even mind too much the creaking joints, but I miss feeling young. I miss playing practical jokes. I miss posting ridiculous personals ads on yahoo.

I think somewhere I got too old to laugh.

What a bummer

There is a girl at work who I could easily fall in love with. But she is 18 and I am 29, not to mention that I am moving out of state in a few months. What a bummer. But I think I really like the feeling, just knowing it. Well I guess I hope she finds a real happy relationship in her life. Because I bet you her being happy will make everyone around her a little bit more happy in the long run. That is pretty cool. Well that is basically it.

I love him.....

I love him so much, but I can't stop fantasizing about what it would be like to be with another woman again....

I feel I should slap myself but can't stop.

love of my life

For a year now I've loved her. She is perfect in every way. When I look at her it is like looking into the eyes of an angel. I love her so much, I would do anything for her.

The sad part is though that she doesn't love me back. We are but freinds. It just feels like should be so much more. She was the one that started it, she was the one that treated me like someone special. Then, bam, she leaves for six months and comes back. she acts as though nothing ever happened. and now I'm more in love with her then ever.

I should just let it go but I cannot convince myself that I don't love her. It's not all so bad though I feel content just knowing that I will always love her and I will always protect her.

My roommate's fiancee came over today and cleaned the house. This includes doing the dishes--he cleaned the bathroom. I feel a bit replaced. I clean for a living, but today was my day off. I clean my own house on my day off. I feel like she did it wrong. I feel guilty for not doing it myself.

Why is she replacing me?

I don't want to be mean, but I hope they break up before they get married. It's not going to last, even if she is pregnant.

Law & Politics

The law is reason, free from passion.
-Aristotle

Republican-ism is politics, free from passion.
Democrat-ism is politics, free from reason.
-Me

Evil woman

What am I supposed to think? You hang out in my office every day for hours. We talk. We share smiles, stories and laughter. There is definite electricity in the air. We both feel it.

Oh, nevermind. You've found this week's love of your life elsewhere.

Ladies...if you have no intentions, don't start anything in the first place, mkay?

Oh_you

I am delusional. She lives one thousand kilometers away and anxiety still pounds at my door, tears me from my comfortable, stylish couch and throws me into the crowded streets of longing. I think about her every day because she is my password, my muse, she's like bleach on fabric- the mark never fades.

Not only am I delusional, however, I lie to myself also. I pretend like the next time you visit it might be forever.

And that's when you say, "Only forever?"

Surprise.

We are all secretly desperate for attention.

New Year

Anyone willing to share a New Year's Resolution?

Sexy little girl

She was a real beauty. We did it just about everywhere. Seedy bathrooms, carparks ... park benches, weddings, gatherings of all and any forms.

She's married now.
I'm married now.
I'd pay her to do it some more.

where do i go from here?

I graduate high school next year. I want to go to an art school in the nearest city, but its living costs are rather expensive considering it's an urban area. I think my hopes are too high for my future plans. Maybe I'm not good enough at what I want to do.

I'm scared to fail at my dream.

I don't think I had enough time to think this over.

No More Trees

My dipshit neighbor has several trees that are very close to my house. They scrape my gutters and make a huge mess.

I am going to kill them with salt.

Salt, glorious salt! I will pour it and pour it and pour it. Die trees, die!

Hrm...

I think that humanity is going to the dogs, I think that we should all be abducted by aliens, I hope that life is good, I think that you are stupid, I think that I am stupid, I hate retards, I hate crap music like slipknot and godsmack. I wish that it were illegal to make garbage and sell it to the youth or the world; that’s all we need is a bunch of whining teenagers rebelling at there parents who feed them idiots and morons listen to crap. I also hate IM's what a waist of time. What about X-box that is a waist of time not only x-box all games! Americas young and old are doing things like "need for speed" and "Extreme Checkers" what a load of crap. I hate old people who said that they should live that long? And what about the Mexicans? Not that 'they' suck collectively just some of them (I am Mexican) “Hey im a ‘gangster’, im a ‘homie G’ the ‘gangster life’ is the life for me.” What is that garbage “dog” lets dress up in rags that cost more than the well fare checks that we collect. What about the Germans always starting stuff, messing with Rome the power of the world starting world war one killing thousands of French at the battle at Verdun then not to mention the innovation, chemical warfare they start world war two and kill almost all of the Jews what the heck did the Jew do to get killed? Speaking of the French what the heck happened? Used to be power of the world? You let people walk all over you I never knew that you could totally suck and run a government oh wait Canada is still around. Good job Canada letting a terrorist in America to take down two of the most famous buildings in the world France if you don’t want to end up like Canada I suggest that you start having some as the Spanish say “wayvos” because if you don’t im not sure if you will have the luxury of even being around anymore the only reason no one wants Canada is because it is cold and no one likes the land, but you oh France you got the real-estate you ‘gots’ it good, you ‘gots’ it real good. What about the earth and all the tree huggers, how bought this the house you live in the one made with the “precious and beautiful” wood that you spend hours of your time trying to save lets tare it down and let you live in the forest and live with Memo the bear lets see how much he enjoys your attempts to save his home. Oh you Russians you think you got off luck not being mentioned thus far but oh are you retorted, “hey everyone lets sell weapons to potential or rather guaranteed nut jobs! And while we are at it lets kill a couple million ok make it twenty million of our citizens I mean what’s the difference its only human life and we are helping natural selection!” That another thing scientific community! Evolution! Are you kidding me?!?! From the guee to the zoo to you! Are you kidding me Science! That magically millions of years ago lots of rain poured on the earth and make soup that millions of years turned into my great great grandpa! Ok Evolution scientists ill believe you blindly I came from a rock. Stupid! Lets spend tax money of better things than a theory about Monkeys! Its only 2% from a human! Well if humans were a 1% from anything else we would be donkeys of something else! Windows, Bill Gates are you kidding me you snake! The poor Hippie, all he wanted to do was help the world and you stole it from him. Whatever im sure your billions are making you happy, oh wait you still want more, pig. Oh America, what happened? Used to be great now not so great, I hope you work your crap out because it seems that the liberal approach is not working, not that I can say that because it is all relative and your truth can be different than my truth, right? Right America and world is all relative? Yes you say? Well America and world do you believe that its all relative absolutely? Exactly.

mental anguish

I HATE MY SISTER!!! I WISH SHE KNEW THE MENTAL STRAIN IT IS JUST TO BE IN THE SAME ROOM WITH HER FOR TWO MINUTES!! SHE WILL NEVER GROW UP AND WILL NEVER LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!! I HATE HER AND EVERYTHING SHE DOES!!!!

sad

I do not understand why people scream and scream about how great there lives our yet they online 20 hours a day. You have no life.

You are all humourless, self-absorbed bastards.

I hate gaydar.

points

It's rained for 26 straight days in my area of the U.S. Seven more days of rain will break the state record. But tomorrow, I'm escaping this gloom (I hate the rain) by catching a plane to the Midwest.

Anyway, this girl lives a few doors down on my floor. I wish I had won her over when I still had the chance. Girls that have the entire package (beauty, brains, personality) are hard to come by these days. Windows of opportunity are fleeting. There's a point at which you know you've lost her, a point where you've crossed the threshold from potential love interest to friend. And I don't mind being her friend; no, not at all. But I've still got something for her and that's tough. I want to move on from this, but I still hold onto hope. And I wonder at what point hope turns to delusions. She's beautiful in every sense of the word. I am only a dreamer.

I'm ready for a relationship. I'm sick of living in this lie I've crafted of being a slut of sorts. I had a chance, and then he told me he had a boyfriend. It's easier when you're straight, isn't it? All I want is to experience love, but the world is making me feel like I don't deserve it. Great. My first chance at a relationship was a wonderful feeling, and in less than a day, I was crushed. That's certainly the best word to describe it.

Are there even gay guys in Wyoming worth my time?

The eternal joke

I feel like I'm really close to dying, like my heart is just going to give up within the next few months. Every night, it flutters and beats weak, keeping my worried concentration, yet I continue playing computer games and getting high in my free time. I can't believe this is what I'm doing with the end of my life.

You are soooo gorgeous

I saw you briefly.
You looked at me and our eyes met! I knew you wanted me as much as I wanted you. I wanted to drink in your taste and breathe in your smell. Entangled and breathless we would fall to the floor. A flirting moment! I too shall remember!

This moron has it coming...

no-talent ass clown

Reset

The latest moron, shakunsn@yahoo.co.in, changed the username/password to the site.

It has been reset.

Don't be a moron.

going home soon

I get to go home soon. People here in Bagoonis do not celebrate Christmas and New years and I have spent a lonely holiday season away from the US. Afghanistan is kinda cold in the winter. But that is what we have to do for freedom!! God bless the USA!!