I so detest waking up at 2:30am. Especially when there's no indication as to why. I'm filling this out much later than that because I laid in bed and tried to ignore whatever screaming was going on in my subconscious. What else would cause someone to sit up wide awake at that time with their heart thudding in their chest trying to see what was happening 'out there'.
I hate this shit, every fucking morning. It's had such a detrimental effect on my life. There's been days when I'm alone in the house that I scream as loud as I can for as long as I can, I'm so frustrated.
Damn demons. I'd love to kick their asses and send 'em packing. I'm so tired all the time.
Damn demons.
I look forward to a time when I can look back on the things I've said and not completely hate myself for having said them.
I've had occasion to do some reading about reincarnation. For a long time now, I've had continuous psychological visions. The first one for years, of a battle axe, one of the broad, double edged ones from the middle ages, hacking into my back at right angles to and severing the 3rd Thoracic Vertebra. And again another strike with the same kind of axe at the 7th Thoracic Vertebra. Then just a little while ago, another vision of a samurai katana sword doing the same thing but at about my 5th Cervical Vertebra.
Unreal visions that happen over and over again. I keep getting struck, successively by these weapons and they occur whether I'm awake or asleep. There's no pain involved but it's a little disconcertinng to keep seeing the fall of these blades into my back.
I wondered if I was just exhibiting something from a TV show, but it seems so real.
In these readings of reincarnation and modern past life therapy sessions, researchers believe we all have lived in past lives and will continue to live in future lives. That once we pass on from this plane of existence, that we may or may not go on to other lives. I don't know, but I feel there may be something to this. There's so much we don't know about human psychology and the brain. I choose to not disbelieve, because I don't know for sure.
This morning after going back to bed there occured another visionary weapons attack, now a knife attack from the back going in on the right side between my ribs about halfway from my spine to my right side. It seems desperate as once the attack is complete it happens all over again. A knife held by an extended arm lunging in for the thrust. Over and over.
I never see any faces with these attacks, not even the hands, just the blades of the weapons falling or thrusting. All fatal. But of course I don't die in this lifetime.
It does give one pause for thought.
I awoke at 3:45am, or rather, finally opened my eyes at 3:45am, hoping it was much later, but it wasn't. No tortured dreams this morning so much as too much unfinished business that I have not focused upon, that flits in and out of my consciousness asleep or awake. More prevalent while I'm asleep of course. Awake, there are always the needs of the present and soon to be present. The needs of the present and of course the realizations that I didn't accomplish enough in the present. Leading to regret and from there of course to the auto-response of, "I gotta get my shit together, seriously." I am chagrined, as always, and disappointed, as always. I had, and do have, such an overwhelming need to do something worthwhile. Worthwhile and good. Ideas that are so out there with so much potential to be of benefit. My biggest issue is trust. While I trust some people with some things, and other people with a lot of things, I trust no one completely. Hell, I don't even trust myself most of the time. More chagrin...and rue. Again, I gotta get my shit together. I'm not getting any younger. I wonder what drove DaVinci, Franklin, Bell, Newton, what drives Dr. Phil Nuytten and so many others. Deep thinkers. People that could think and then DO. Amazing people. What's that expression: 1% inspiration, 99% perspiration. Huge focus and unquenchable drive.
I gotta get my shit together...focus.
Time is the ultimate non-renewable resource.
Unfinished business.
I grit my teeth so hard and stare. I wonder. Does a Briggs and Stratton engine exist just to have someone wrap a cord around it's head and pull, on that cord, like a mad bastard, to get it to perform? To work? To do something useful? Ultimately what will cause me to get myself started and working to do something useful?
Self realization is a good start. Just gotta get off the pot now.
Back to bed for now, I'm yawning too much.
The demons can discuss what they will when they want.
My phone rang yesterday, early. Five a.m.
I'm not generally awake at that hour. The lady on the other end asked in a nice Latina voice if she could speak with Eduard.
My name isn't Eduard.
Her even-more-nice Angelo friend called back two minutes later. I hated the vision of grey-walled cubedom. Maybe it was cold. Maybe Ms. Angelo was wearing leather boots. That would be better.
Back to sleep.
Honestly, I'd rather live as a fool than have all the knowledge of the world.
People in the past have told us that knowledge will give us sadness.
Most people disregard them, or argue against them, or simply say them as opinions that they believe aren't true.
But I think they're right. And I don't like what knowledge is showing me.
Yes, death is inevitable. I'd rather be a Christian without fear of the void than an atheist with full understanding of the truth. I'd rather have happiness. And honestly, if you disagree with me, realize that you are saying you'd rather have knowledge than joy; which is a pretty gutsy claim to make when taken into account the sheer weight you will carry upon obtaining this insight.
You'd rather have pain just to have knowledge. You can never have the guarantee that you can accurately share this knowledge, and their will always be others who aren't as gifted as you.
Can you really stand by as they believe in Heaven and Hell? Can you stand by as they live for it, without fear? Can you watch them pray and smile and laugh and live for nothing else but God?
Could you do so with full knowledge of a seperate truth?
I can't stand watching people I love yearing for a Heaven that I can't give them. I can't give them what they want. It's unobtainable.
I don't know what's what in terms of the universe; there might be Heaven, their might be Hell.
I am not the one to say.
But I believe what I believe; and I see this as knowledge.
And while it can be said that knowledge is important, can't it also be said that happiness is equally as important?
Since it impossible to completely have both, I would rather have my peace.
Or rather, a little bit of both.
Isn't it sad, that I really can't control how much of either I'll recieve?
A game of chance, that's all.
I just want to spend my time smiling.
Well, I have a tiny issue.
I'm 16 and going through the whole 'suicidal' phase. Unfortunately, this phase is also coupled with these terrible fits of rage that really get in the way. It's just that it often leaves me with some heavy emotions that drag on me for a month or two. It's gotten progressively worse until the beginning of this year when it plumetted to a brand new level that I can't seem to deal with.
I've tried many things, but always seem to fall back into this way of thinking.
The basis behind my suicidal thoughts, in my opinion, is just the usual uncertainty of religion and existence. But I won't bore you with that right now.
I'm curious to see if anyone has any tips for me. Since the people in my life haven't exactly been the best in this situation, I figured...Why not ask the internet? Please keep in mind I'm not interested in medication other than some sort of vitamin program.
Here's a list of some things I've tried:
Self Mutilation
Isolation
Discussing with Conselours
Opening up to Friends
Changing Lifestyles
And one bullshit support group.
God that was a horrible support group.
Can you believe they were simply worried about boys and their popularity?
Forgive me if I offend you, but MAN- that's annoying.
I'm trying to get this problem solved before 2008, so I can start FRESH!
P.S.
My mother is ill, and has also gotten worse this year. That's probably why I've gotten worse as well, right? I'm not entirely sure.
Is there any way I can better cope with her illness?
Why is life so important, when you just do everything to die?
I wake up in the early morning, every morning. Battling the nameless dreads, trying to make sense of distorted dreams, wading through thick streams of warped primevil realities. Until at last I awaken, shaken to my core, sometimes sweating, most times scared and anxious. Every morning. Early, as early as 2:30, as late as 4. I have to get up. I don't remember when I last had 6, even 5 hrs of solid sleep. Many many times I've asked and demanded of God and Jesus, my dead relatives, my dead friends and whatever other entities are out there in the fringe to just get with the program and say what has to be said so I can deal with it in my reality and finally get some sleep. I'm so tired. So tired. I sometimes think about suicide. But will my dreams then become reality? I don't know. I think it takes a tremendous amount of courage and fortitude to end ones life. My psyche twists like a snake wrapped around a stick and stuck in a fire, writhing in torment but unable to escape and unable to die. Why am I here? My accomplishments have been and are, miniscule. So much latent talent and ability but for my psyche that twists on and on never ceasing. I'm so tired. Sometimes I think of killing. I'm a hunter and I know how to kill. There are people out there who need killing. Who need to be put back to the beginning again or just taken out so they can't harm anyone ever again in this timeline.
Maybe this is where I'm at. Having been associated with and been victimized by people who, I then decide, need killing. People who are predators or dangerous scavengers who need killing. And I want very badly to kill them. Kill them deader than stone so they can't ever harm anybody again, period. But I always choose to not kill them. Even though they need killing.
Is this what torments me?
Is this why I can't sleep the sleep of the innocent?
Is my life on hold because I won't kill those that so desperately need killing?
I know once I start my death will be the only finality.
Am I afraid of dying?
No, because death will eventually claim us all.
My guts churn so badly.
Most of my kills have been to provide sustenance.
Some have been purposeful to end an animals suffering.
None have been committed out of malice.
So far.
Is this the line I've yet to cross? My destiny?
The thought of my own death is inconsequential.
If I do not follow this path of killing those who need it, will I regret it upon my own death bed, whatever, wherever and however that will be?
I'm so tired.
My psyche is tormented, my physical body is also tormented. As the mind is, so shall the body follow.
Once I came to the realization that I needed to kill but wouldn't, I'm believing now that I changed. Have I changed because in my minds eye I have killed out of malice. I have a hit list that hasn't been acted upon so there's unfinished business? They say you change when you kill another human being. Or have I changed because I haven't done what is supposed to be my duty in this lifetime?
This blog. I needed this. Seriously.
I've been at this for 1 1/2 hrs, it's almost 6. I'm going back to bed, let the demons discuss what they will.
I'm going to post this. Comment if you want to but ultimately I will decide.
I'n all of the excitement I forgot to tell you guys Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas, Anonyblog!
We've already opened gifts at my house. My mom got us a Nintendo Wii, and I got a Nintendo DS lite, which I really wanted. Hope everyone else out there has a nice day too!
(too bad my brother is a humbug and can't ever be happy about anything >:( oh well)
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???? ??? ??? ??? ?? ?? ????? ???? ????? ????? ?? ??? ?? ??? ???? ?? ????? ?? ????:
??????? ?? ???? ?? ??? ??? ???? ???? ? ???? ???? ????? ?? ??? ??? ????! ????! ????????? ????????? ???????????! ???! ?????? ?... ? ??????? ???? ???? ???? ? ??? ???? ?? ????? ???? ?? ?? ??????? ? ??????? ????? ???? ????? ? ??? ?????? ?? ???? ?? ???!
?? ?? ???? ?? ?? ? ??? ???? ?? ?? ??? ?? ???????? ??? ???? ??? ???? ??? ????? ??? ??????? ????? ???? ??? ???? ??? ??? ?? ???? ?????? ???? ?? ????? ?? ?? ????? ???? ? ???? ????? ????? ?? ???????!!! ????? ???? ?????!! ? ??????? ??? ?? ????? ?? ???? ??????? ???? ?? ?? ??? ????? ??!! ???? ??? ?????? ?????? ??? ??????? ????????!!! ???? ??? ???? ??? ?? ????... ??? ?????? ??? ?????? ?????! ???????.... ??????? ?? ??? ????? ???? ?? ???? ???? ???? ? ?? ?????! ?? ?? ????... ??? ??? ???? ??? ??? ????? ???!? ?? ?????? ????? ???!? ??? ?? ???? ???? ?? ??????? ?????!! ??? ???????? ??????? ???? ????? ???? ? ???? ????? ???? ? ????? ?? ???? ????? ?? ?? ?? ??????? ??? ????? ????? ?????? ? ?? ??? ????? ? ???? ? ????? ????!!! ???? ?? ??? ?????? ??????? ?????? ?? ???? ?????? ?? ??? ?? ????? ?? ?? ?? ???? ?????? ????? ????!!! ?? ????? ??????? ??? ???? ???? ?? ??? ?????? ?? ??? ???? ?? ?? ????? ??????... ???? ??? ???? ???????... ?? ???? ?? ????? ?????? ??????? ????? ????...
(pronounced all as one word)
Small, red fungus spots
Bumpy, weird, somewhat burny
An eye infection
sometimes i look at a landscape painting and wish i could get in
We are just small and fragile things creeping over our little places on the very surface of the Earth.
Enjoy our small lights and try and make another person who may not realize our predicament happy. Often they will help us forget our present scenario.
I hate my inquisitive and suppressing family, I hate how I have no personal space, I hate that I have no friends, I hate how everything I like is considered a threat, I hate that however everyone thinks I'm an ok guy, I hate feeling guilty for being something less than a very good student, I hate feeling trapped, and I hate myself for hesitating every time I'm thinking of jumping off the 6th floor appartment.
totally give up on my dreams in this life.. She has miraculously come back to me. Is she sincere? Is she truthful? I She is beautiful that's for shure. You're darn tootin! She's every bit the woman that I always thoght she was? When she says how much she loves me does it really mean anything at all? That's the problem with you women. You all lie like fucking dogs without a second thought. You will say what ever you think you have to say to either ((A) hurt your partner)) or manipulate him into getting you what you want.
A real man will give you his soul , his heart , his life , but what do you women do? You run off with a lesser man than your mate. You disregard the one who stands by you until death to run off with some low class idiot and that , in my experience usually turns out ot be a nigger. You white bicthes love to disrespect your man by hanging out with crack dealing niggers. I've seen this type of trashy behavior all of my life and I'm used to it. So I don't fuckin trust a goddamn one of ya anymore.
You women are all the same. Really. Here it is:
A: You are all opportunists. A meaninful relationship is not even in your dictionary.
B: You just want the most that you can get with little or no input.
C: You may at first think that you are in love with your partner but he will soon find out that you were just kidding at the wedding. He will work his ass off to provide while you stab him in the back.
Thus is the way of the crack whore.
No. Seriously ladies. You are all disonhest opportunists. You no not what love is. It's all just a game to you "Playas"
Does Godaddy let you get away with this? I know the CEO is an religious right winger and was wondering if my Godaddy account can fire off something like this blog?
Also, could you provide info/copy of that cron?
Many a good one to you.
Hi, I stumbled on this site because I was having a pretty bad day.
Reading about how bad some of you have it made me feel like I should appreciate what I have more.
I do realize a lot of you have really horrible lives, but maybe you will also feel better by realizing that you are all, in some ways, very lucky.
The fact that you are able to post on this blog means that you have access to a computer, and that, therefore, you are living in a 1st world country with electricity, clean running water, and other things we tend to take for granted, but which we are very lucky to have.
Remember - the majority of the world's people live on less than $1 a day. There are people today who are cold, people who are hungry, people who are afraid.
I'm not saying that your suffering doesn't matter because others suffer too, but maybe you can feel better by helping someone else who's even worse off.
If you feel lonely and like your life is meaningless, try volunteering.
i love you, phoebs
i know i can never have you
even if i could, i wouldn't
you deserve more
in our next lives, perhaps
WATCH ME LICK DAT HURRRY CLIT. CHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF DAAAAAAAAA- FUCKARONI-KOOOOOTTTTTTTTTTTTAAAAAAAAAA#@#!!!
SHIT, niggaZ Im bacK and Shit and WUT?
I don't want to. Don't want to get a house, a job, a "life". Nope, none of it. I want to piss off in a car and never stay anywhere more than a week. I want my laptop and the Internet. That's it. Why do I have to get a job? Earn "money" just to stay alive? Why must I jump through academic hoops to prove I can do something I've been doing for almost a decade so I can get paid money to live somewhere while I earn more money, eventually retire when I'm too old to do anything worthwhile and then die? Really, what the fuck? There'd better be something more than this.
"Confined to a tiny spit of sand, unable to escape"
Let me out.
I'm so sick and tired of my life. Materialy, God's been very good to me. I've got a great job which I am very thankful for and he's blessed me with good looks, but I'm so fucking tired of being alone, especially during the holidays. I can't keep a girlfriend for more than a month. Why? I don't have a clue. Everyone tells me I'm too nice to women. Go figure! I've got so much stuff going for me, but noone really cares about me except my son. I'm saying no one cares about how I feel or how lonely I get. I have no "real friends" and no family. There are only 2 things that keeps me from killing myself. 1. My 7 year old son. I know he is the only person on this earth that loves and cares about me and he needs me very much. He is autistic by the way. and 2. If I kill myself I believe that I will go straight to hell even though I'm saved. I've only had 1 real girlfriend in all my 33 years and that was my exwife who turned out to be mentally ill, but is now on medication thank God. I've now been divorced for 6 years and really haven't dated anyone for more than 4 months. That's the longest I've dated any girl besides my ex. There is obviously something wrong with me. No, I don't take drugs and wont. I dont drink except on social occasions. The only girls I meet are pretty much trashy ones. I wonder if I move if that will make a difference. But I doubt it. I don't have trouble getting dates, just trouble getting someone to give a shit about me and how I feel. Sometimes I want to just say fuck everyone and blow my fucking brains out.
thanks for reading this anonymous blog. Maybe I can go to fucking sleep, but I doubt it since I'm so fucking depressed. It's already 1 am. I think this holiday season has been the roughest for me personally. If it wasn't for those two things I mentioned previously I know I would have ended my loneliness years ago. I would give everything up that I have if I could just have what most people take for granted. A FAMILY!
You have gotten on my last nerve. Seriously, cut the fucking apron strings already. Stop "dropping by' 5-7 fucking times a week. Call first. If your 'baby' doesn't answer, don't come by, just to see if we're home and not answering. I mean, who fucking does that? And if he doesn't answer, don't call my phone looking for him, then my son's cell phone, then leave some fucking smart ass message on the answering machine that you have called every number we have and NO ONE is answering!!! And then you start all over with calling him, then me,etc...within 3 minutes of leaving that fucking message!! And quit just walking into my house when you get there. Ever heard of knocking? I swear, one of these days, we're not going to see you walking up the driveway and have enough time to scramble and get our clothes back on and you are going to catch your son's big dick in my mouth. How am I supposed to look at you across the table on holidays knowing you saw me doing that? Oh and i KNOW his old loser girlfriends before me didn't mind your incessant calling, dropping by and butting in--you've told me enough times-- but his wife DOES!! We have jobs and kids and lives that don't revolve around you and you trying to stick your nose into every aspect of our lives -from what movie you think is 'appropriate" for your 14 year old grandkid to watch, to where we go out at on the weekends. Nothing and I mean NOTHING we do is any of your fucking business. If I hear you say one more fucking time "OH! I don't think that's right!!", regarding some decision we've made when discipling our kids, I swear i will take my frying pan and crack it over your fucking ignorant head. Did I ask for your opinion?? Nope, sure didn't and I never will. Oh and p.s....Do you see MY mother 'stopping by' at my house every fucking day of the week? No? That's right, we weren't raised that way. We were taught to CALL first, to see if the person is even interested in having company. I would never dream of stopping at someone's house at 10:00 at night to 'visit' for an hour, when I know my precious son and his wife both get up at 4am for work, 5 days a week. Totally unacceptable behavior. You have really gotten on my last fucking nerve and I really can't stand you. When I hear my husband mention your name I fucking cringe. We could have had a decent relationship, but you have messed all that up with your continuous fucking PRESENCE!! Not to mention the fact that all you do is bitch and complain about how we live our lives and raise our kids. Nobody fucking asked you. And NO I am NOT cooking something for Sunday dinner, so quit dropping by at dinner time to see for yourself if I really didn't cook something for your precious baby. I DIDN'T. I HAVE A FUCKING LIFE. I have a 4 year old and a 14 year old and a job in another city that I commute to more than 40 hours a week. I'm not cooking every night and every fucking Sunday for your precious baby. Cook it your damn self and invite us over for a change. And also, quit TAKING A SHIT at my house every single time you stop by. That grosses me out completely. You know damn well you live exactly three minutes down the road (which is a big part of the problem), so go shit at your own house, nasty! I've just had enough.
'A moment I've been dreading. George brought his ne're-do-well son around this morning and asked me to find the kid a job. Not the political one who lives in Florida. The one who hangs around here all the time looking shiftless. This so-called kid is already almost 40 and has never had a real job. Maybe I'll call Kinsley over at The New Republic and see if they'll hire him as a contributing editor or something. Or, maybe I could hire him as a labor hand on my South African girlturd ranch. After all, I, Ronald Reagan, like to eat the feces of beautiful caucasoidal teenage girls with black hair (pronounced as one word). That looks like easy work.'
a quote great president about the president we have now? wow america, lets think about our next president!
Vote Ron Paul
WWW.RonPaul2008.com
Who (what) is "Brian Clavarie"?
He is everywhere. He is probably in you. He probably IS you.
Brian Clavarie is the essense of all things overweight.
What you go to McDogshit, and order a double quarter pounder big mac supersize special deluxe, and you down all that greaze, you be adding to yo "Brian Clavarie Bank Account" (BCBA).
When you don't consume your daily truckload of geaze, your BCBA starts penalizing you by causing random acts of obesity (RAO). Too much RAO and you'll wind up one dead fat ass.
When you keep your BCBA full, you are rewarded with incentives such as: slower metabolism (which helps you further by keeping your BCBA fuller, longer), people making fun of you (this is beneficial as it tends to cause people with a full BCBA to overload their BCBA's - always a good thing), etc., etc.
Scenario 1 -
Little Colored Kid: Hahaha, man you so fat and ugly!
Brian Clavarie: Yeah, I know. *eats little colored kid*
Scenario 2 -
Construction contractor: Goddamnit, we don't have a wrecking ball big enough to knock down that building!
Brian Clavarie: Use my fat ass! *knocks down building*
--------------------
Why is everyone so fat and ugly these days?
I EAT THE ENTIRE BOWEL-MOVEMENTS (PRONOUNCED AS ONE WORD) OF BEAUTIFUL CAUCASOIDAL TEENAGE GIRLS WITH BLACK HAIR!!
An atheist was walking through the woods.
"What majestic trees!"
"What powerful rivers!"
"What beautiful animals!"
He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot KODYBEAR charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the evil bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"
Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident." "Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very Well," said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:
"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."
So. I had a strange evening Tuesday and since we were talking about my sudden morality issue I think I should share this one too. I paid a visit to the school I'm starting at in January (woo hoo!). The visit was somewhat late in the evening to start with, at 6:30, and it had been threatening to snow all day. Well, actually it did snow on my way there. And I had a great visit at the college. Everything was already covered in white and looked beautiful. It's a small, private school, so the campus was just lovely and everything was so clean. They had pretty up-to-date technology and the transfer counselor was just great. Side-track thought: he was really the best guy for the job. He was actually charming, pretty handsome, and was just generally very good at attracting people to the school. An excellent host.
So anyways. I left the school very pleased with the whole situation and managed to scrape 4 inches of snow off my car without a scraper. Gotta love Chicagoland. The roads were just okay, not too bad, but it was also not a good idea to go more than 35mph, and I was talking on my cell phone. I passed an accident, and something weird happened. I noticed that the van that was some ways ahead of me was slowing to a stop, then it suddenly turned on it's emergency lights. It hadn't crashed into the wall to our right or anything, so I assumed it must have some kind of technical problem going on. I wasn't going to stop or anything, it's not a good idea for a small girl travelling alone to stop, but the traffic coming from behind me forced me to sit and wait for a minute. Meanwhile, a guy gets out of the front seat and makes as if to check the rear half of his car. But he doesn't. He walks straight to my car. Luckily, I was on the phone with my boyfriend because at least if I died a horrible murderous death they would know where to find the body. The guy stops just shy of the rear view mirror, and I cracked my window just enough to let a spider in. From the first sentence this guy speaks, I feel as if I'm in the twilight zone. Here we are, stopped for no apparent reason during bad driving conditions, and this is what he tells me: "I just want you to drive really carefully. It's like, so shitty out and I don't want anybody to die. Just please, drive careful. Shoot I probably shouldn't even be out here I better get you going safely." He then proceeds to direct me after traffic to the other lane.
Was this guy on something? I figure he probably was, even though he walked completely normal and his speech was not in the least bit slurred. He didn't make weird hand movements or stumble as you do when you're drunk. I was just like "What WAS that???" I figured at the very least it was a blatant sign to drive carefully. So I hung up the phone and started to pay better attention to driving.
I was on the highway soon, and flipped the radio to something to listen to besides commercials. The DJ told us to text the word "card" to the radio station to try and win a credit card. Explanation: they have this game going on lately where you win a credit card and "they pay the bill" I figure it's probably just a pre-paid credit card, like a MasterCard or a Visa. You had to be texter number 9,630 to win. I was like sure what the heck I'm just driving (haha) so I guess I can text it in. About 30 seconds later my response said I was texter number 138. Wait a minute. That was easy. So if I keep texting I can keep track of what number I am. So I waited a minute and figured it had to have gone way up by now so I resent the message. Now I was number 430-something. The gears clicked around in my brain and I tried a few more expiremental texts. My phone can send the same text to four different people at the same time, so I entered the same number four times and sent. The result was that I took up four consecutive spots on the line to be 9,630. So, I resent and resent and resent. The whole way home. For about 40-50 minutes I resent and deleted the responses. Towards the end, like in the 8,000's I was getting so many response messages it was hard to resend. Then they stopped. I was backing into my driveway and my phone rang. The number was unfamiliar and I wasn't really thinkg about it but I answered , wondering who it could be. And two loud voices shouted in my ear: "HEYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy who is this???!!! Are you EXCITED??" And it dawned on me. I won! w00t how could I have won? Even with four texts at a time what are the chances that mine managed to be exactly number 9,630? I was so shocked, my heart was pounding so fast, I could barely respond to them. They were dissappointed I didn't sound excited, but laughed when I explained that I was so shocked I think I just had a heart attack and that's why I don't sound so excited.
Well they took my info and stuff. And I guess I'm gonig to recieve, in the mail, a $250 prepaid credit card. Wow. I still can't believe it. I mean, I know it's not an incredible amount of money but still- what are the odds of that?! Just when I had spent all day wondering how I was going to stretch my paychecks to cover my car insurance and my phone bill and my plane ticket to Ohio and christmas presents and my car needs new brakes and I have a throat infection and need to go to the doctor- this shows up. All I can think is that someone is really watching out for me. Man I am just so lucky.
So maybe this story wasn't so incredibly incredible. I guess people do have to win these things. I just feel so blessed with good luck. I'm going to a great school where I will have HEALTH INSURANCE and where I will get to study in Spain. I can afford to buy my family small christmas presents. I can afford to fly to visit my best friend and bestest niece. (And bring her a Barbie My Sized Princess Throne with frree dress-up dress). I hope other people can have good times like these too.
Peace
N
it's not that the world is that bad. it's just that I don't want to be here or anywhere anymore.
I have no friends,i don't think its normal but i've learned to live with it. It gets pretty lonely having almost no one to have a meaningfull conversation with. May i need to broaden my interests, but i don't have the time and if i wanted a friend i would want it to be someone i have something in common with so we can actually talk.
The other day a 26 year old female doctor showed up at the house, did i feel inadequate? yes i did, i started to think about that book of bunny sucides to keep myself amused at the dinner table so i would'nt have to think about the fact that she was 3 years older and 300 times more successful. Theres no way i could get a doctor for a girlfriend.
I've made mistakes and bad choices but i still haven't learned to live with them, its hard, really hard. Especially when other people use 30sec judgements based on your cv or what you look like, or how people who know you view you.
I need a reinvention
And do something crazy. Something terrible. Smash a whole city. Or make millions of babies that are intent on eating all of humankind. Whatever it is you do, savor the feeling of TOTAL DESTRUCTION!
Have you ever done something terribly stupid and realized it just moments after? Sometimes you just find yourself doing something so incredibly.... pig headed. I find myself completely normal and then I get some stupid idea and find myself headed off in an entirely arse-holey direction, and in the end someone's mad, I'm kicking myself, and I have absolutely no idea; why did I just do what I did? Sometimes it doesn't end so badly; I just wonder what the heck's in my water. In the end you just have the question; why?