We are all we got!
Happy Labor Day 2008 Everybody!
Because every time I read anything here, I involuntarily want the person to DIE and end up feeling worse than before.
This isn't a fucking suicide note, and nobody I know will find this.
But I just want anybody, somebody, to know. I love you. I don't know you. You're an asshole and I'm an asshole and we live in a world full of leprous, immoral shitheads, but I love you. You're a person, someone with more intrinsic value than myself - someone better than me. And I hate you for your life, for your friends and the job you can keep and the way you might even know what the fucking hell you're doing or who the fuck you are on a sunday morning. am so fucking sick and tired of being mentally ill. I can bitch and moan so everyone knows what I'm talking about, I suppose - I have been diagnosed with social anxiety, chronic depression and borderline personality disorder with psychotic episodes. Basically between cyclothymia and schizophrenia.
And yeah, sometimes I hear things.
I've been playing russian roulette with my life since I was about twelve. Now I'm twenty, and haven't managed to do the fucking job in eight whole years. In and out of hospitals and institutions. Can't keep a relationship. My arms, legs, torso and face are crisscrossed with scars...razorblades, cigarettes, hot-water scalds, hell, I've clawed my own skin open and beaten myself up - like Edward fucking Norton in Fight Club, I'm sure you know what I'm referring to. Laying in the bathtub for days, listening to flies.
What I once enjoyed and excelled at has gone rotten on the branch. I cannot paint. I cannot bake. I cannot write. I don't care to read, or to see my friends, or even leave the house. All I can do is sit here, entranced by the grotesqueries exposed in front of me in this stupid little box - a lurid fantasy that traps me...sit on my ass. Drink. Smoke. Sit. Think. Fail.
And I have culminated in one giant failure. Every recurrent, pathetic, cry-for-help, low-lethality suicide attempt is a reinforcement of the fact that I should NEVER have been born.
I know hell exists, because I live in it. Hopefully I'll die at some point during this stupid game of chance and cease to be a burden to everyone.
For the love of whatever Gods there might be - fuck, were those Catholic assholes that raised me ever wrong! - don't fucking have children. Don't fucking do it.
Well, I'll prepare to be mocked for expressing myself, go ahead. 'Emmmmoooo.'
Yes, yes, and you can compare me to the sixteen-year-old weeping because his girlfriend left him when he didn't buy her a new Bright Eyes CD. Fuck you. Fuck. You.
"I have a feeling I shall go mad. I cannot go on longer in these terrible times. I shan't recover this time. I hear voices and cannot concentrate on my work. I have fought against it but cannot fight any longer."
-Virginia Woolf (1882-1941)
I'm looking at getting my life started... Currently I could do most of it myself..
Problem: Significant Other is a control freak.. need to find a way to break it to them that I will not stand for this.. If they leave because of my ability to stand up for myself. I will still be just as happy...
Currently: Control is annoying me.. Said persons parents are also controlling.. I do not like this.
Solution?
I'm going to stand up for myself and if said people do not approve.. they can take it and shove it.
:( My only problem is some people are too dense to understand, no matter how many times I explain to them I will not be ruled with an iron fist.
On a side note: Dibs are really good.. I think people should try them, I like the contrast of actual chocolate with chocolate icecream...
It's very hot today.. my jeans are stuck to my ass. :( And why buy an AC when the summer will be over soon enough.
Apparently the ads for 'The Starter Wife' series set something off in my brain.
I've begun having seriously vivid (and awesome, I might ad) sex dreams about Debra Messing.
Don't get me wrong, she's sexy as hell (I do love me some Grace), but this is a new turn for me.
Strange. Maybe watching Monk will fire up some Traylor Howard, Debra Messing 3-way action for me tonight.
of course it would happen that as I feel we are getting out of the hole, the car will start sounding iffy. The engine turns over, but doesn't catch. And there is no way we can spend more money on the stupid car.
But it's not like we have a choice. We need the car. The other day, on the blog, someone commented that if it wasn't for the car, i'd have nothing to blog about. F*** you, is what I say. If it wasn't for your cats you'd have nothing to blog about, crazy old lady! That and complaining about "the youths these days". Seriously.
And so but it all sucks. I don't have any money coming in until the end of the month and I don't know what I am going to do about the car if it just decides to die on me. Gah.
Ever dated or fallen for someone who wasn't so bright, but they were great in bed? The passion and chemistry, but dumb as shit?
I have to admit I wagered on how great this person was and nice, etc. Then was completely disillusioned by a certain incident that made me realize, said person, was not only "dumb as a doorknob", but a complete disrespectful asshole.
Just a reminder to anyone seeing or dating someone who they know in their gut isn't worth it. Never settle. Sometimes we need reminders in life for us to see through the bullshit. It took a few tries for the universe to slap me upside the head and thankfully I finally saw it and will actually admit to my mistakes.
:]
In a moment’s time, you’ve managed to create yet another crack in the foundations of what we’ve built together. And I’m sorry to say but this house of cards built on quicksand is about to collapse. All those years I spent devoting myself to you have gone to complete and utter waste. I say this for I know for a fact that this house will never be stable. I ask myself, what do I have to show for the countless hours spent with you. The answer is nothing. No valuable lessons were learned, my life was not made easier, I didn’t even so much as pick up an interesting quote from you. This relationship has always been one-sided. You are a leech, and you’ve soaked up as much as you can, and a parasite, but you will never again feed away at my insides. I have no idea why I allowed this to happen for so long. I can already see my life crumbling right before my very eyes. And all this time, it’s never been me, it’s always been you. Sure that may not be the case right now but I know you remember how it used to be. I treated you like nothing else mattered in this world until I found out that you’re not worthy of such blind devotion. Maybe that’s why you stick around, maybe you’re hoping things will one day be the same. Well I now know for a fact that things will never be the same. I was in love with an image that I created in my own mind. You are as far away as possible from being what I perceived you to be. You were the termite that was feeding on my very life-essence. You noticed an easy target, and like a tapeworm you’ve been riding around doing as you please….All that time… I’ll chalk those up as years lost. However, like I always say, sometimes in life you have to notice a failed investment and simply cut off your loses before any further tragedy ensues. My soul has faded enough as is. I used to think that fate actually brought us together to make life more bearable. I used to think that fate was a genius for engineering a million tiny little accidents that eventually brought you to me. But I now realize that you weren’t my reward but rather my punishment. I now look back and notice that it was all just a series of unfortunate events. Oh you pulled the wool over my eyes all those years but today is the day I see again. And I can honestly say that meeting you was to my own misfortune. Karma struck me hard by introducing me to you. But I’ve come to a realization that my life doesn’t have to end here. My luck is about to turn around. I’m climbing out of this downward spiral to hell that you call a relationship.
Know this, unconditional love only exists between God and his children. You are not exempt from the rules of a partnership. And in this game, there is no such thing as a get out of jail free card. The...
list of crap that I have to put up with just keeps piling up. If you don’t know what they are, then you must be seriously self-delusional. Quit trying to act so innocent and own up to your mistakes or else they’ll haunt you forever. You have wronged me enough. You knew you were hanging on by a thread. You were on a probationary period, which you failed. I warned you and you knew of the consequences. Well you’ve tested my patience for the last time. Three strikes is all I can afford you. There is just no way that I can be with someone whom I can’t trust. Who knows what other things you’ve been lying to me about? I wonder how screwed up things really are. Whatever, I don’t care anymore. For so long, my heart has been too weak to let you go, to let you suffer alone. Instead I chose to offer up myself and sacrifice my own happiness. But don’t you think that I have quietly suffered long enough? Why do you insist on messing with my head? How long did you intend to keep this up? Well thanks to you and your ways, my heart has grown callus. And thank the heavens for providing me with the strength to let go of what is now a rocky past that would’ve ultimately destroyed my future. Every bone in my body refuses to put up with this façade for another endlessly painful minute. Besides, this whole thing was a sham from the start and you know it. Everyone knows a relationship should be based on honesty. We both know I laid out all my cards on the table when we first met. I have yet to see your hand. Face the facts, it was a series of lies on your part that led us into this messy ordeal we falsely labeled a relationship and it looks like its going to be another series of lies that’s going to take us out. You had to lie your way into my life and it looks like you just lied yourself out. All I ever asked from you in this world was loyalty. Well it looks like you wont have to feign authenticity anymore. You can keep your skeletons in the closet because the last day I will ever spend caring about you has came and gone.
I know you have no other options, but I’m sorry to say that my shoulder will no longer be available. You don’t want to hear “I told you so” from your parents. And you know that nobody will let you live the easy life like I’ve been letting you live. You know that nobody else is willing to carry you like I have been doing all this time. To be honest I really wanted to save you though. For some reason I felt like I was obligated to do so, that’s just how I’ve always been. I wanted you to ride with me all the way but it looks like the free ride is going to have to end here. All I asked for was honesty in exchange for an admission ticket. But you couldn’t even afford that. And I know that you think I’m abandoning you but the truth is you abandoned yourself. You can’t always expect me to be waiting around the corner with a six-pack of forgiveness. I know you expected to come back to arms wide open but instead all you are getting are two peace signs, indexes down. And to a person so self-righteous as yourself you think that I’m evil for doing this. But you’ve used up all 9 of your lives in this relationship. I hate using that word to describe whatever it was I was forced to endure. The thing is, I’m just sick of it all and I don’t know how much longer I can do it. All the lies, all the bitching, all the laziness, I just can’t take it anymore. You lie to me like a child lies to his/her parents. What you probably don’t realize is that when you lie to your parents, you pretty much ruin your own life. However, when you lie to me, you ruin mine. Whether you realize it or not, that constant stream of bullshit that seeps from your mouth 24-7 will eventually affect my shit too. Who gives you the right to make your own life better by ruining mine? But whatever, I honestly don’t care anymore. And I know you might be afraid of a future on your own two but I think that you are going to have to take a long hard look at that and yourself because Im ready to leave everything behind. Now lets quit dragging this out because its ugly and nobody wants to see it. And its starting to hurt too much.
You have a serious, knight-in-shining-armor-will-save-me complex. This is the 21st century, you guys fought for equal rights, now you have it, so deal with it. You are going to have to do that from now on because soon there will be nobody else to take care of you but yourself. And to make things worse, you also have ugly-duckling syndrome. Seriously, if I wanted to be with anyone else I would have done it a long time ago. And I will not be around to listen to any more of your false accusations for another second. Your insecurities will be the end of you. Show a little pride in yourself for goodness sake. You have the self-confidence of an out of work circus freak. That’s not healthy and no matter what you might think, it is not my fault. I’ve tried to nourish your self-esteem but to no avail. Everybody has stretch marks and yes those pants do make your ass look fat. But you know I’ve never been the superficial type. Although, I must add that those marks did ‘magically’ appear for some peculiar reason but you can keep that skeleton too. Really though, I used to think that I had issues. You’re only 18 and your shit is fucked up. But we’ve both been punished long enough. Maybe fate does have a reason for all this. I know I had to relive mirrored versions of past situations in my life. I was once the untrustworthy one. Being the other person sucks. I guess you’ve made an honest man out of me. I thank you for that. But this is where we must go our own separate ways. Fear not however. Know that you’re young yet. There are 7 billion other human beings out there. Take your pick. I’m not ruling out same sex because you know how I feel about lesbians. Me, my life is half way over. Who knows what’ll happen to me now?
Well I can sense the final hours approaching. I wont be here any longer. I’m leaving everything behind and I’m saying goodbye to this slow-motion car crash of a relationship. See you in another life. If you ever happen to see a random person flipping you off on the streets for no apparent reason…yea dats me. No fuck that, I don’t even want to see you in any of my lives to come. May you be reincarnated as a tick attached to a cocker spaniel’s sweaty ballsack. No wait, you don’t deserve that much. May you become a new super strain of gonorrhea that fucks up half of the male population or a peanutty turd in a dry broken toilet. Or maybe an unhatched egg. . Or better yet a family of pubic lice. Or quite simply, a wad of white sticky stuff balled up in a napkin at some shady establishment. Sorry, some last minute venting had to be done. Aside from all that though, I think that we can both be adults. Maybe we can even be friends some day. But for now we have to recognize that we will no longer be living as Romeo and Juliet but rather more like Eamon and Frankee. Don’t worry, I hold no grudges, I just have to forget about you for a while. It’ll be hard but we’ll both get over it. I have confidence that our lives will turn out fine. Don’t worry about me because I’ll no longer offer up another wasted thought on what could have or should have been. From this day forth, I will no longer live with any regrets.
I thank you for making my life significantly less crappy by leaving. Good luck with yours. It’s easier this way.
I tried.
Y.R. Ouiere
I.......I…..Sometimes I feel as if though, somewhere along the line, I had lost my sanity and never really realized it. I mean, I used to do all sorts of drugs,…I was in a pretty bad car accident once. Maybe I’m not actually living life as I perceive it. Maybe I’m lying somewhere in a hospital bed or a ditch of some sort, living a lucid delusion. No, that would be too convenient. Nope, not with my luck. This is my life. Don’t get me wrong. Some days are good….a modest percentage…definitely not half. A very lenient estimate would be roughly 25%. There are those rare times where it just seems like the Universe favors me and provides for all of my needs, wants and curiosities above all else’s. However such rarity leads me to asking myself, are random good times really worth the troublesome waits. Is it really worth sifting through all of the crap for a stinkin’ quarter? Furthermore, given time it just seems like the positives in my life are only meant to make the stings of the negative hurt more. Imagine a plane gracefully climbing to 10,000 ft. only to come crashing down in flames. On some days everybody acknowledges the fact that I am here amongst them on this Earth and I always have something clever to say to them. I like to make people laugh. They invite me to parties and I engage in all the regular shenanigans as would any other. On those days, my peers look upon me with great admiration (or at least it seems that way). But the majority of the time I spend alone. In a room full of people within a building full of even more people I remain alone. I have a live-in girlfriend but that doesn’t change anything. I can’t seem to connect with her anymore. Its like we’re some old married couple already. It gets better right? I live in Hawaii, but I live in the projects. I used to live in the dorms so it isn’t that bad I guess. I was often told that I was one of the brightest, until I lost my scholarship. People ask me why I’m wasting my life but what can I do about it now. My options have run out. And it hurts so much to know that. I guess it’s most painful the moment when all the blurriness starts to clear and you realize that you’ve just flushed your entire life and there is nothing you can do about it. Especially when you had so many prospects and had so many people believe in you. Now nobody wants anything to do with you. I was a communications major but I have nobody to talk to. I have a closet full of brand name clothing but nowhere to wear them to. I just bought a new pair of shoes too. I have a decent car, but never any gas money. I can’t get a job if my life depended on it, which it does. My family is just about ready to give up on me. I think everybody is. Who’s to blame them? 25 years on this rock and what have I got to show for it? Half a gallon of gas, a pack of cigarettes, and three frickin myspace friends?!....I suck at checkers, I can’t stop eating curly fries, I have poor oral hygiene and I haven’t showered in three days.…Why are you still reading this? Don’t you know that misery loves company? Avert your eyes. My sorry ass will infect you….Get off this site. Go look at sneezing panda on youtube or something. …I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. Honestly, I think I’m depressed. Sleepless nights spent researching depression sure point in that direction. Maybe I’m just tired. My mind is exhausted yet I just can’t sleep. And if I don’t keep myself busy, the thoughts keep coming back….I gotta keep writing…………too late…
Like water under a bridge, what's gone is gone, what's done is done and can never be undone. Remembering what happened and yeah, it was good or it wasn't. Regret can be a spikey little grenade that exists in your gut. Sometimes it explodes, sometimes it just rolls and tumbles around creating discomfort. Sometimes it is in a quiet spot where it just lays unnoticed. Occasionally it's digested, occasionally it's expelled. People that are gone that we miss, people that are gone and we say 'thank fuck!'
We can only go on. Having learned and become wiser for it, or not having learned what we should have and as a result end up in pain
That you could read this and see that I'm sorry, that I wish things were different, but they aren't and never will be in this lifetime is and will always be my lot to carry.
My learning is late but I have learned. I haven't forgotten you and I never will.
Just can't stand 'em.
Have a long-time friend that just can't seem to get off her ass. She is so self abosorbed while throwing out cries of how she is all about manners. Forget reality. I have made myself crazy trying to suggest things to help her get off her pity pot. She made the choices and continues to be miserable with the consequences. I have finally told her when she is tired of feeling this way she will do something about it. What does she do? Whine some more. I can't take it anymore. I don't call or email her anymore as I know where it will lead. The sad part is she has so much going for her...2 wonderful children (poor things are scared to death of their mother's wrath ~ she loves to yell and scream at them); a husband who loves her dearly (she wants something more, so she cheats on him; when she simply kisses other men, it does not consititute cheating in her mind; just the actual penetration is cheating...go figure). She doesn't have to work, she has some one clean her house. She bitches because her husband tries to curtail her spending ~ she simply has to stay up with all the fashion trends.
She takes, takes, takes and then takes some more.
She hates everything.
She is a snob.
She recently came to visit. My new husband got to meet her for the first time. He told her she could not kiss other men in our house (it is our house; we respect our vows!). She got pissed & said "does he think he is my father?!"
She and I were at Target; I looked at a new purse. She said I should get it as "it looks so much more expensive!".
I discovered I don't particularly like her any more. She is a self-absorbed snobby bitch.
I wish her luck.
Just watching the Olympics coverage and Costas comes on to say that Jamaican sprinter was disrespectful to the sport and the world watching by slapping his chest before crossing the finish line....listen you 2 bit piece asshole full of shit, you've never played a competitive sport in your life....he broke the world-frikkin record. What else do you want from him? The media is going to shit...when did we become the people that do not celebrate achievement but try and fuck it up by always looking for something negative....no wonder we give Britney Spears and Paris Hilton more TV time then real celebrities that get their arms and legs blown off so that we could all sit on our couches and listed to this moron Costas!!!
what the hell is with you?
you think every word that comes out of your mouth is gold and revolutionary
when most of the time you say to everybody's concepts "they haf already done zis idea"
stop orally masturbating yourself and give us a suggestion that is not vague and boring
i cant believe im paying $700 for this paper.
fuck!
Just looking around, I can see that this website sees enough trashy posts about suicide as it is. You're probably all sick of them. But I don't care. You can have another one.
I haven't even been living my life that long. I'm only 14 years old (though I've been told I have the maturity of a 40-year-old), and I'm already sick of my life. It's boring, useless. Filled with all the things I don't want. I have severe distaste for all parts of the female body and that's really inconvenient, because I have one. I wish I could be a boy and if I was, I'd probably be gay. I'd more easily be able to deal with the implications of that than, say, going through 40 operations and spending thousands of dollars just to feel like an inferior species and being embarrassed to see all the people I knew before.
So many suicidal thoughts have passed through my head. I must have written over 100 suicide notes. I've thought about all the different ways I could off myself, but I can't act any of them out. I could overdose, but the nausea and the waiting seem worse than living. I could cut myself and bleed to death, but even the thought of a knife going into my skin makes me want to vomit. I highly doubt I'd ever have the courage to do that. There is no available gun. Nothing to be used for rope. I've tried asphyxiation, but I don't have the courage to keep it up long enough to do anything. And I've tried it so many times that I feel uncomfortable without something wrapped around my throat.
And even if I were able to do it, then what? I suppose the ideal would be for everything to stop, for my mind to simply fade out of existence. Or even reincarnation. I could deal with that, if the circumstances were better. But what if I get cast into Hell? Or worse, what if I'm sent to Heaven and made spend eternity in complete and utter boredom? Or if I became a ghost? Nobody could see me and I'd be alone forever.
I feel like a wreck. Maybe if I could be a member of the Klan, all my problems would go away.
I thought it was over. I thought I wouldn't have to feel this way again. But I was wrong in a big way. I still love her, her hair, her eyes, her lips, her voice. I just want to hold her close to me when no one else is around and kiss her. If I could just have that, if only for a few moments, I could put this behind me.
I hope things change between us and I don't have to feel stuck with something that should be shared. I also know I'm lying to myself when I say after getting what I want I could put it behind me.
KRB
I'm going to kill myself today.
It is already shaping up to be the best day of my life.
If it carries on this way, I might not go through with it.
Can Kody R Bear help me?
I texted myself to see what was going on tonight. I didn't answer.
The truth is that I still love her, but I love Kody R. Bear more!
I guess I'm depressed lately. I'm a nineteen-year-old senior in college and I'm getting ready to apply to graduate school in philosophy, which entails a lot. I'm struggling with an eating disorder and I guess I could go into the time I got hit by that car a couple months ago, and I guess I could tell you about the guy who shoved a gun in my face last December. And I could get into my former employer insinuating that I was faking panic attacks to get out of work. But you don't want to hear it, and I don't much want to say it, mainly because you don't want to hear it.
All I want is for someone to hold my hand. I don't want advice or any kind of wordy assurance. I just want some human contact. I need to know someone is there. I'm getting so lost in all the work and the bullshit that I can't see straight, and I know I'm alone in all of it. Don't let that sound pessimistic; it's not my insistence that life is horrible and that we should expect it so, period, paragraph. But it is a fact. When I chose to complete a four-year degree in two years and then attempt to go on to graduate school at twenty, I assumed that I'd be quite lonely. But it doesn't mean I want human connection any less.
It's instinctual. Of course I want someone to be there. But my mom won't stop making meaningless, stinging comments about my eating disorder, which she now knows about, and my dad emotionally abandoned me when I needed him most, so I know I can't count on him like I thought I could, and no one can count on my brother for anything except to play the guitar. My close friends have almost all of them gotten tired of me never having time to do anything other than read and write and sleep on occasion, so they've almost all of them left or been left. I'm completely alone, and even if I wasn't, it wouldn't matter because I'm the only one who can take care of my problems, and the main point of this is my realization that, not only can I not count on other people to "be there" for me, but also, it's illogical and unreasonable to think that their "being there" would solve anything at the end of the day. At the end of the day, no one can do what I have to do for myself. And, no matter how you slice it, the truth is that no one can do what I'm going to do. I'll either become something extraordinary and great, or I'll fizzle out in a great, beautiful and powerful explosion when it gets to be too much. This is the reality I have to accept.
I'm not here. This isn't happening.
My friend stabbed me in the butt. I guess. He says it's because he'd rather side with who's nice, not who's right.
It's tough to blame him.
I've been having these weird gay fantasies lately.
Like, is any of this for real...or not?
Real happiness.
Where is it? Do I have it?
I want to start over. I want to start clean.
I can either get baptized or kill myself and be reincarnated. Is reincarnation real? No clue.
But it's better than nothing.
So I meant to write this like a week ago
But I've been busy n stuff.
So good news. Baby survived w00!
JJ is still prego, despite her doctor's miscarriage diagnosis.
And lately, I have been thinking army.
That's all I'm sayin.
lub,
N
But, I love him. And the fact is, I called it off. I'm a quitter. I quit everything and then wonder why everyone quits on me. No big mystery. I wish that I had the words to say to him to make him understand my situation and why things are the way they are, but I dont. So I dont. And now he wont even talk to me. I understand of course. He has to protect himself, like we all do. He just doesnt understand how much it breaks my heart. And how much I wish I could take the whole thing back. Life gets more and more lonely everyday. Nobody tells you it will be this way when you grow up.
How men and women can be such opposites of the same human touch and needs.
I am only a young girl, 15 years of age to be exact but every single day I worry about two things that take over my mind constantly. One being death but that isn't what I writing this about, that I find far too close to the heart to discuss, it will simply play on my mind for hours and hours. The second thing is where I am going. I am 15 and pressure has turned me into somebody who is terrified of failing. Not only do GCSE's pile on a ridiculous amount of stress, but when you want something so bad, it takes over everything else and my living obsession is writing. I want to be the best, better than the best, I want to be astounding, I want people to feel something when they read what I have written. Sometimes I aimlessly write, I open my diary, empty my mind and let my pen do what my mind is unintentionally telling it to do. Apparently, perfect requires insanity.
Recently, I've come to the conclusion that I've wasted a ton of my life doing something I don't really enjoy. I'm not sure whether the realization was that I don't actually enjoy doing it, or how much time I've wasted, but either way, it sucks. Soon I have to decide whether I want to play again or not, but I'm kind of scared to quit.
I don't know what to do.
JJ lost her baby tonight.
I am going to pick up the pieces of my best friend.
N
Happy birthday to me
Happy birthday to me
Happy birthday to meeeeeeee
Happy birthday to me.
N