Anonyblog

Over-Productive Ear Wax

I have terribly bad ear wax that I can't control. If I miss even one day of cleaning them, ear wax will be clearly visible in my ear. What causes this? Is there a cure?

I don't like the person i am becoming, I'm not powerless to stop it. I don't know why i don't.

It hasn't been a good few years for me with domestic violence, abuse and the death of my son. I finally grew a backbone and escaped my abuser and for the first time since i was 16 i'm free. All those nights cowered in the bedroom reading, trying to stay quiet in the hopes he would forget i was there, have made me intelligent (or at least semi intelligent) So why am i becoming this person?

I'm 39, look 30, take good care of myself, have no issues from my past. I finally realised that No I am not ugly, In fact i'm the opposite. I have a lot of male attention and it makes me feel good :)

Since I left my ex to his life of beer cans in January (he loves his new life lol) I have been on many dates, or at least a lot for me. This month I have had 3 dates and just because i date men doesn't mean i sleep with them ok? You'd think huh? I have had 5 sexual encounters since May. 5!! What does that make me? These encounters are never one night stands but it seems as if i love the thrill of the chase... make them wait a few weeks and as soon as i 'have' them I'm no longer interested.

My life at the moment is spent avoiding the phone, deleting text messages from past men, talking on msn to 'new men' (3 at the moment) Drawing them in (not difficult) then moving on to the next.

My studies are suffering. Why am i doing this???? I don't think its the sex? Maybe I need to feel wanted? desired? I don't know.

Please please please help me make sense of this. N? dragon lady? qwerty? please :'(

H xxxx

I get off

I get off to the thought of licking my husbands sisters snatch!

i hate sex

I screwed someone while I was on my menstrual cycle and I don't remember what he looks like. Needlessly to say, I'm 26 and it was my second experience. I remember mentally screaming for it to be over. It's come to my realization that I hate sex.

Is it the music

I swear that when I listen to linkin park I drop into a trance

T.W., I continue to think about you everyday, and I hope you still care for me too. That knowledge is sufficient for me. I wish only the best for you.

E.G., you are so self-absorbed that it makes me sick, but I hope losing me will be a good lesson for you to learn from. You have to realise you can't do or say things like that to people. You were worse, far worse than how a certain someone has hurt me before (and you knew fully what he did), because I believed you wholeheartedly, but you just threw my love and trust back in my face and stabbed me when I was down without a second consideration. Good job.

With this circumstance, however, I have rediscovered how supportive my brother and my friends are, and how much they really love and care for me unconditionally. I wouldn't be here today without them, and I continue to fight because I know I am not forsaken. The real higher power resides in you, and the ones who love you, not because you have a great set of tits, not because of your pretty face, your fat salary, your paper qualification, but simply because you are you.

the barrier of being lonely.

I don't have a way to getting around this barrier without having to meet new people as my last resort. Dating has become so mundane rather. Family and friends aren't the exact ideology in comforting our loneliness. Yet I struggle with this embedded danger - preventing me from having a productive life. All i want to do is do it. I'm so lonely but all i want is a good hard pounding from a man. I don't even care what he looks like!!

The more I wallow into my depression, the more I thought about my ex - wishing and hoping I'd meet someone who'd share the same interest as he did though he never really had a heart or a way of showing me that I was merely okay. He was a wanker really to be honest

I'm left severely damaged despite it being 17 months or so since the incident. I'm leveled with the idea that relationship only reaches its high points in the beginning until its too late to unconsciously take notice of what's left in the end. And he's left me with Herpes,a load of debt and a soggy onion in the cupboard.

What am i to do?

Chubby Cupcake Boy

I can't stop watching this thing. I don't understand it. I'm mesmorized by the total weirdness. Why would someone film this? Why would someone teach a fat boy to lipsync this song and do funny eyebrows to it? Why would someone make a boy so fat? I dunno. Maybe you will find a way to explain it.

N

We're all broken. When it comes right down to it, every single damned one of us has shit we all have to deal with. I know it's not a popular thing to say, but it's true. You can come from a "perfect" home and still be left scarred at the end of the day, because truthfully, human interaction causes pain. It really doesn't matter who that interaction is with. I know how terribly emo that sounds, but it's the reality we all live with. People will forget your birthday, your favourite colour, and forget to turn the lights off before they leave for the day. The one thing anyone can be counted on to do is inevitably cause pain to another by things they have done and things they have left undone. It's all about the Nietzschean concept of the will to power, which is so

anonymous?

for the anonymous cats who post on this blog there is a safe haven where you can freely post and discuss without an approval duration

flavorish

flavorish is the key word. flavorish.com

shameless plug? fuck yourself

love hurts

I never thought breaking up with someone you really trully love would be so hard. I just want to cry all the time. I feel sad all the time. I imagine you knocking on the door. Rather, I wish for it to happen. We fought once. And I thought it was over. But when I got home that same day, you were waiting for me sitting on the steps in front of my flat. How I wish for that day to return. Where I'd find you waiting for me. Still loving me.... and wanting to spend the rest of our lives together.....

Why do I do this to myself? Why do I allow myself to feel these feelings..............? I never thought love could feel like this. So raw.

You ruined me. Will I ever get over you!!!!!!!

I hope I do.

I still love you so much.......

Question...

Why does God let you do stupid things?? I mean, we all know right from wrong, what is good for us and what is not. But why do we choos the wrong choice sometimes, even when we know better?? We know it was wrong when we made the decision, while we were doing what ever it is we were doing and then we are reminded with remorse afterward that we made the wrong decision. So why do we do it anyway??

Wow

What a totally interesting and odd way to express yourself... on an anonymous blog where you log in as if it were your own. I think I both love and hate the idea, is that possible?

So.. how do I leave my wife without ruining my son's and my step-son's lives? Or do I stick it out as my faith would have me do and simply be the best person I can simply be and stop being so selfish? I am not happy with her and I find it hard to believe that she would ever change, but I also believe that all things are possible through God. The problem is I don't want to be with her, so much so that I have rebelled against my faith and am having real trouble finding my way back. I don't believe any less, but I have very much fallen into my old habits of pornography, destructive music and objectifying women. I also find myself acting as if I were single and imagining myself dating different women. I have not cheated and don't feel that I could get past my own conscience to do that, but is wishing that I was with someone else just as bad? Then I find myself realizing that nothing guarantees that being with anyone else would be any better.

That brings me back to the focusing on making myself a better person and growing stronger in my faith, which I know with all of my being is the right thing to do. It's just finding the motivation to actually do it. How does someone motivate themselves to do something they know is right but don't feel like doing. I wish I could figure it out. My children deserve better. Why am I happy when I'm depressed or angry. Sometimes I just LOVE being pissed off at everything around me and stewing in my anger with some hard core metal to fuel it even more. Why is that satisfying to me? Music is a huge part of my life and can affect me in such a huge way. I can listen to 5 different songs and go from being sad to angry to horny to happy to repentant. It amazes me.

Anyways... I could probably go on forever, but I'll leave it at that for now.
9

wrong, just wrong.

you're the one I want to be with. it's always been you......but i think i'm in too far with your best friend to ever fix us.

but oh my god, i love to see you smile.

Listen....

I can't always save you.
I can't always fix things.
I can't always eat your girlturds (pronounced as one word).
You need to learn to stand on your own.
I won't be around forever.
Sorry.

Void.

I wish I could escape, to recede into a single point of light or perfect tonal harmony - the nothingness of harmony, being indistinct, and eating feces. I have spent my whole life trying to be controlled, though it has not helped. I have merely become cold.. I am mystic, insane - temporal lobe epilepsy - I hear everything in echos, perceiving reflections only. I'm in a suit. A professional. An educated corporate drone who only wanted to stay young, to continue to dream, to be creative, to love other people. Instead I am hollow. Everything is perfect on the outside, and the only flaws are self-inflicted (the scars of youth & tattooed spells, long fulfilled) I have woven the magic of the gods, but I fear I have destroyed my own passions.

I cast my love to the void, into light and energy. It is all I have left. Hear it and know you are loved.

D<

I don't know who i am anymore
I betrayed a friend by going out with her crush
I really did thought it was worth it, what a bad friend.
what a bitch, what is there good about me?
I really wonder why I continue to live.

but seriously, sometimes i wonder
it's been ages, why can't she forgive me?
Was she really my friend?
afterall she only became friends with me after she got kicked out of her own circle of friends.
along with all the others, all the backstabbing, betraying
who are my real friends?
do i even have any?
are they even my friends?
I guess not, after all they were the ones who said
"just cause you talk to them, doesn't mean your friends"

and you b*** saying how painful her feelings were.
you obviously never knew how I felt everyday.
and you obviously wouldn't care how i feel now
but i doubt her "feelings" were that hurt
if she is that emotional, why don't she just go suicide?

They say im shallow, for going out with him.
but seriously i never would have if she at least treated me with a little respect, even though i am younger than her. It doesn't mean she could boss me around.
maybe we weren't suppose to be friends since i "hurt" her so much, not to mention all the pain and agony she's bought me while she looked down upon me.

I hate my life
especially him
What was I to you?
a toy? I still can' believe that you told her each and every word i said to you, when you yourself knew it would hurt her.
Does it entertain you to see me cry? or at least hear me cry?

I really dont know.
but its time to leave this retarted thoughts behind me, I have other friends and I swear i dont need them to survive.
Even if I was fully to blame for, im not going to jsut blame it on myself because i wasn't.
I wouldn't even bother to approach those ones who were once my "Friends" ,even if I would regret later,even if I end up alone for the rest of my school life, even if I get bagged by every one in the school. I don't care if you think im a b*** but thats how i feel.

I hate him, you and your fked up friends.

Barack n Roll

My grandmother told me today that she wasn't going to vote for Obama because she did not feel comfortable with a black man being president. I grimaced and couldn't find the right words to say to her. She is my grandmother, after all. Then, I went home, curled up in my bed, and cried. I cried so hard, harder than I have in a long time. I want Obama to be the president so badly that I become frustrated easily when trying to defend him and his policies. I am so knowledgeable about his campaign and everything that he stands for, yet when confronted, I can't get my words out right. I met him in the spring of 2006 at University of Vermont when he visited there and spoke... no one had said a word about "presidential election" yet (atleast, not anyone I knew or anywhere that I was reading) and after his speech, all I could say was, "This man needs to run for president!"

I'm so frustrated by people who still believe the ridiculous lies about him being a terrorist, and I'm even more frustrated and upset by people who won't vote for him because he's a black man. He's not even 100% black ... he is 50% white American and 50% African.

Why can't people, my grandmother included, just look past the color of his skin?

DRIVING ME CRAZY!

I think I'm going crazy, or will go crazy! My husband of 20 years told me he wanted a divorce 5 weeks ago. He said no to counseling, no to reconciling, nothing, but he wants to be friends. Rich statement when he couldn't be my friend during our marriage. Anyway, the reason I think I'm going to go crazy is that my husband hasn't filed for divorce, he won't agree to my terms, can't move out due to finances, and is acting like this is no big deal. Me, on the other hand still loves him and I can't seem to let go. I'm going to counseling, taking an anti-depressant, taking sleeping pills, yet I still can't stop crying throughout the day. My life is about to fall apart, I'm being forced from my home , I will have to move clear across the country to be near my family, and I will have to start a new life with basically nothing. I'm torn apart! I don't know how to behave anymore, I'm trying to be nice but I can't seem to. I'm still hoping he'll change his mind but he occassionally says some horrible things that tear me up inside. I'm getting a lawyer but what I don't know is how to act around him. I know that when I cry it upsets him, when I question him it pisses him off, and if I say something about caring he calls me psycho. How do I act without completely ignoring him??????

hey YOU!

What the hell are YOU lookin' at????

DARKNESS FALLS ACROSS THE KODYBEAR COMPOUND

Kodybear relaxed in his happy genius leather chair in the Girlsrule Wing of the Kodycumpound (pronounced as one word). Down on Level 13, there could of course have been no windows. Kodybear did not even know what time it was. The body of a sleeping bear lay on the floor. Kodybear was using a toothpick to clean cobb salad (pronounced as two words) out of his teeth. Suddenly, Magogo flamboyantly stumbled out of the cumpound elevator.

"What the darn did I tell you about disturbing me, you sexually attractive ape?"

"Massah, dis be impotant!"

"Important you say? Well please my friend, tell me!"

"Well..."

"On with it! What is it? Make it crappy!"

"Massah, dey be bad omens in dee air. Dee sky dun got all dawk at high noon! Den, dis bronze crow dun dropped a scroll on me. Kan you's reads it?"

Kodybear glanced at the scroll amusedly, but his face quickly turned into a look of both recognition, and horror.

"These are ancient Maya girlsrule glyphs...only one person in the world knows how to write these..but it couldn't be...we...we played Twister with him in the last...no..no..."

"Wat it be mean, massah?"

Several moments of cold, tense silence passed as Kodybear stared at the wall blankly, numbly, scratching his butt.

"Magogo, this can only mean one thing."

"Wat dat, Massah?"

Kodybear slowly, silently looked up into the eyes of his best friend Magogo the Singing and Dancing Macarena Monkey. His jaw dropped, and he almost could not speak. Then, his faced blanched more so than usual, he whispered easily, without restraint:

"Baby got back."

Whose fault is it?

I fucking hate my life and it's all my fault. Basically a few years ago I was working my ass off in a good job, but it was causing sleep deprivation and I got majorly burned out. So I fucked up and drank too much and slept with some co-workers and fucked up with a client. I admitted everything. I confessed, went into rehab, made amends, and have tried to get on with my pitiful, fucked up life. But because my field is so small and my past is so published, no one is giving me a job, no one cares about anything I say except as to bring up the past again and again and endlessly reminded me of my past fuck ups.

After I got off disability (and I was totally disabled) I went back to school and got another degree, but have not been able to make any head way in that area because all the employers I talk with say so what were you doing these last three years? Holy fuck, can't you just let it go. I see people in all walks of life from professional athletes to celebrities like Christian Slater fuck up big time, get cleaned up, and get a chance, more than a second chance, they get a reception that is like tell us all about what went down, kind of gossipy, but then good luck in the future. I think it is because I am so introverted and not socially functionable that I never get others up to the reception tell us what went down phase. We are stuck in the so what have you been up to these last few years stage, and I am so fucked up with shame and shit I can't even figure out what I am supposed to say to "be cool" about it. Whatever I am saying is wrong. So, one question I'll throw out there is, how do you prepare to answer the difficult questions? Especially when you are like me not good at thinking on your feet. Thanks.

Shit... I woke up again.

I'm not sure what I accomplished today.

I stared at the wall.

Cried a little.

Stared some more.

Maybe I won't wake up tomorrow.

I don't feel so good

At first I wanted to say I fucking hate my life right now. I read a bunch of old posts from back in 2004, and they were for the most part pretty good to read. I guess what I am thinking is whenever I think something evil or see something is wrong and think like that is just wrong, that person is an idiot, whoever left that that way is a completely demented non human, I used to yell that out loud. I got so much crap for speaking my mind, I learned to keep it to myself. But in the end that just makes me feel really depressed, because now I can't trust my instincts or trust whether I can tell the difference between right and wrong. And then, here's the worst part, I realize that it was actually ME who did the evil, thought the evil, fucked up, or left that that way, and I go, HOLY CRAP it was ME all the time, and I just never realized it.

So then I think I am living with a bunch of people who are very superior to me, and that whenever I start feeling a little bit good about my life they bring me back down to reality. And THAT pisses me off and makes want to just check out of this place. I want to leave, but then again they are family. Whatever. I will talk with you later.

I'm about to go to my engineering midterm, and I have a feeling that it's going to fuck me up the ass.
So instead I'm going to take a shower and have some dinner.
I'm scared to tell my parents how bad my grades are. I know I'm not this stupid... I'm just fucking up all over the place.
I hope that I get it straight eventually.

Shit!!

I did it again!!! Why can't I resist the temptation?? It was a good time though...ok it was a great time...to bad I feel like a jerk....I can't get his scent off of me....that can't be good...

That's all.

For the Greater Good

It is awful to feel so alone – to be singled out. How can I argue with what is true? There is no scripture to back up what I see or feel but the ‘other side’ has plenty. . . that speaks volumes.

If good, blessings, “happy things”, prosperity per se, comes from a life lived in Christ, comes from being all that God wants you to be – pursuing His pursuits – then what does that say about my life? Suffering and heartache has a bigger hand in my life than reaping anything of reward.

I am a terrible, awful, mean-spirited person. . . who really is getting the idea that God is trying to tell me that I should be in existence. I don’t believe He’s attempting to break me in order to rebuild me – its more a you’ve got it all wrong, you’ve always had it all wrong and you will always have it all wrong so quit now.

Life is too painful and I’m really feeling like I just can’t go on, I can’t keep living this pathetic life – my pathetic self. Death is really nothing, we give it far more weight than we should because life does and will go on. Dying makes absolute sense, living is. . . useless. A drug isn’t the answer to how I feel and counseling is a crutch and that good ole adage of being the lies of Satan is empty and some words that are good to fall back on. Lots of people say sometimes things in life keep coming around and back to us so we can finally learn from them; I think I’m getting it. I’m the negative variable – I’m what’s in the way. Remove me and all is good. Hope is illusive and I’m all out of strength and God’s not giving any more. And, no, things aren’t ever going to get better. It’s me. I was never suppose to happen but hey, there’s sin and free will in this world so here I am. I never asked to be born but I’m dying to die. And, oh the pity for the people left behind – HA! Everyone – EVERYONE – will be much better off!!! My children are young enough and a better mother is bound to come along. Chad would have a ministry now if it had not been for me. And, as someone just so eloquently put it, I don’t have any good relationships with the people that I should; i.e., my mom, sisters, brother, mother-in-law, etc. My mom would be hurt but she’ll get better. I mean, I’ve always been the difficult, negative, self-righteous one so maybe things will be different with me completely out of the picture. Plus, I make Chad’s life miserable and hold him to some standard and expectation that he couldn’t possibly obtain and he wouldn’t always feel that he couldn’t do anything right. I think maybe whatever purpose I was suppose to do I’ve done and now I should go. All this isn’t an argument to convince myself, I just know that with suicide, people always have questions and I’m just trying to do something right and answer them. Show them why this is necessary and good. So there’s the argument of ‘just change’ or ‘God doesn’t give you more than you can handle’, ‘you can do all things through Christ who gives you strength’, and ‘there’s help out there’ and I could go on and on and on with the prolife clichés. Maybe we just attach some stupid stigma to suicide because its so major, like birth – because that’s celebratory due to its impactful nature. And, then there’s also, ‘oh, those poor kids’ and ‘what will they all do’ – the kids will be SOOOOOO much better how because truth be told I’m an awful mother – no one really knows it but I am. And, the details of what they will all do will work themselves out, they always do and life goes on. I really believe this is the answer. I am a loser and a quitter and just can’t take the heat. I think God dumps so much shit on some people because He’s protecting the ones He loves deeply from scars, bruises and battering.

So, why post this? For my fifteen minutes of fame, of course. Go out with a bang, ha, ha. (Although dying from the fumes of my car sounds so much more pleasurable.)

Upon consulting my insurance policy, I have discovered that I must wait at least one more year in order for them to pay for my death, burial, family, etc. There seems to be a two-year suicide clause. So, hopefully, a bus will hit me tomorrow. I am a somewhat decent person so leaving without my family reaping anything would just be downright cruel. Oh the irony of that twisted insurance clause - the thought of enduring one more bloody year is quite excruiating.

How is one meant to stand it?

I feel ill. Not as though I'm going to be sick, but I don't think that I can handle life anymore. School, of course, is the main cause of my problems. Am I struggling? No, exactly the opposite, actually. I am brilliant. Okay, maybe not brilliant, but I am bright. I understand the world like my classmates do not, like my teachers refuse to teach.

When I finish University, it's my dream to move to a different country and become a writer, rich or poor. I was flicking through a book that offered tips to young writers, and one of the example sentences was "Once there was a talking dog called Fifi who was run over." Is this not scandalous? And I am not exagerating with that sentence one ounce! I can already see the future generation's brains turning to mush.

How am I meant to attend this learning institute that only wishes to raise my classmates to be dumb, airheaded puppets? Is it REALLY necassary that they squeal over their hair and fuss over if they have a beau or not? Is it really important? The answer is (and you have already guessed this) NO! NO! NO! NO!

And I refuse to take this anymore. I refuse to let myself live in such a world.

Goodbye.

Same in a way

Reading some of these entries I see how the same we all are.

This blog is supposed to help us, I think, because we really are all the same.

Different problems, lives, issues, families, husbands, children, boyfriends, girlfriends, values, money, jobs, addictions, etc...but things get to us all the same in a way.

Thank you for this site. I just found it. I have looked at other times for something like this and didn't find it. Am miserable again, so sought out something online again.

What is hard for me is feeling selfish. There are people with it worse off, and people with it better. Should I be complaining at all? I have a roof over my head. My three kids are in college with outstanding and incredible fees that will still be due when I die. They have turned into good human beings after all. I have a husband that now works for himself at home. At home. He's always here.

Anyway, but he is working. Money is very tight. so tight. We have creative jobs so we can work from home. I want to work somewhere else. I hate it here. I will have to go into detail later. Guess this is for me to get off my chest. Never think anybody really cares. I miss my dog that I had to take to the vet.hosp. last year. "We" had to put her to sleep. She was a beautiful 14 yr.old weimaraner that just wasn't doing so good physically anymore. Major diarrhea and hip issues, lack of appetite. I took her by myself. No one would go with me in our famiy. She was my girl. Beautiful girl. Still breaks my heart. I still can see her flappy ears running to great me at the end of the driveway.

Kids gone at college, and dog gone, and boring stupid husband left here with me. This is not empty nest stuff. Really crappy stuff. Drank too much on Friday all by ourselves. Had to gag and try to throw up in the afternoon. This is ridiculous.

Pathetic. I know I have lots to live for. Lots to work with. but it all gets too hard. Brings me down. don't like myself basically. What a bore.

I'm not cutting myself, but I hate everything. Guess this blog is supposed to help get this off my mind. Whatever. I'd like to jump off a bridge if I had the nerve. Never will. My family would be horrified. I'd be the disappointment to them that if they really knew... I really was...

Nailin' Palin?

http://thesuperficial.com/2008/10/sarah_paylin_makes_a_porno.php

Some NSFW pics...

Wow.

Have a nice day.

KODYBEAR (Starring Magogo the Singing Dancing Macarena Monkey)

"Yo Excellency?"

"I'm busy Magogo! I'm trying to get new friends for the Klan on MySpace! What is it now? What?"

"Well I wuz wunderin Yo Exalted Eminence. Where duz Yo keeps all dee monies dat yo made from KodyBear Enterprises and dee Great Turd War?"

"Well Magogo. I had it all converted into solid gold Bear turds. I keep them at the double triple top secret location of Low Life Films in Delaware. Just kidding. It's really not your concern as to what I have done with my money. However I do have some concern about how you have handled your share of the profits. How much have you squandered on drinking nigger beer and smoking cable?"

"Yo Eminence. OK. I drinks a bit and I gots a coax problem. But it mostly under control deeze days. But I has dun puts most of it in dee stock market"

"That is regrettable Magogo. Are you so blinded by your MySpace whores that you don't even have time to keep up on current events? You are a simple son of a bitch Magogo. Let me explain the stock market for you. Once upon a time in a place overrun with monkeys, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each. The
villagers,seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them.
The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, they
became harder to catch, so the villagers stopped their effort.
The man then announced that he would now pay $20 for each one. This renewed
the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. But
soon the supply diminished even further and they were ever harder to
catch, so people started going back to their farms and forgot about
monkey catching.
The man increased his price to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so
sparse that it was an effort to even see a monkey, much less catch one.
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys for $50! However, since he
had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on his
behalf.
While the man was away the assistant told the villagers. 'Look at all these
monkeys in the big cage that the man has bought. I will sell them to you at
$35 each and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him
for $50 each.'
The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys. They
never saw the man nor his assistant again and once again there were monkeys
everywhere.
Now Magogo do you have a better understanding of how the stock market works?"

"Yes Yo Radiance!"

"Now Magogo. We're leaving Cape Town. Too much racial tension. Where is Dooky?"

"He drunk on Fosters Yo Benevolence."

"Well sober his fucking Kangaroo ass up! Pack up all of these laptops and get us booked on a flight to D.C. We're going to base our trolling operation at Low Life Films for a while until The Great Turd War resumes."

"Yes Yo Excellency"

"And Magogo?"

"Yes Yo ,uh, Magnificence?"

"I would like that to be a straight through flight. I would like to minimize take offs and landings. Besides it doesn't look good for us to be hanging around in airports"

"Yes Yo Heinous. I git's right on it."

Goodbye

I don't understand what's happening but I know there are so many external and internal factors to ruin any chances we have. Including you and me.

But I've realized that there's too much going on to try to figure out why, when and how. I know you realize that. So, goodbye. It's over. You're welcome, you no longer have to worry about me, because I'm pulling myself away. For good this time and for life. Please don't break my heart in the process, please. I know how you think and I know just as well as you, where you are in life, but please don't hurt me. Please let me be the one to let it go. This whole thing has affected so much more than just my heart. I know about your past relationships, the ones that hurt you and I wonder what could have been, because I actually really started to care for you. It could have been great, but I understand now the circumstances and consequences of it - and I know what needs to be done and that is to say goodbye. If I don't say goodbye now, I may not want to later, and I know that I have to.

Goodbye.

Love,

The one who could have mended your heart.

listen boys

you can pull all the "I'm in it for the pussy," male bullshit that you want, when it comes down to it, you absolutely love us.

most of the time, I think more than we love you.

Insomnia is a bitch.

It's 2:00 am on the dot.
Why can't I sleep?
This has been going on for months now.
Lack of sleep causes me to be crazy.
No joke.
I should lay down with my boyfriend.
Cuddle.
Just like he asked.
But I needed to do something.
I needed to check up on my friends on the 'Space and Face'.
Now all that's holding me back is my need to do a bajillion crunches.
I need a flat stomach.
I love it.
I hate food.
But I need it.
I hate it.
I hate that I need it.
I only eat a little bit.
No more than 500 calories a day.
It doesn't make me anorexic.
I'm losing my pudge.
My love handles.
I just wish HE felt the same way.
His stomach.
Ick.
It effects our sex life.
I can't stand looking at it.
I wish I could cut it off.
I know underneath he's a hottie.
He just needs to work harder.
Try it longer.
Last until it burns.
Crunches.
Hello Random,
Did you come back for a chat?

depression

it's really frightening

I'm really scared of it and I don't even have it.

I wish nobody had it.

This isn't the way life is supposed to be.

I don't understand the world and I don't understand life.

I'm 30 years old and for as long as I can remember, each and every day of my life has been filled with a desire to end my existence. I just want the pain and loneliness to stop. I just want to feel like someone understands me. I'd like to know what its like for someone to care.

There's something very wrong with a world that forces this type of life on people. I used to think that my malaise was bullshit teen angst and I would eventually outgrow all of these feelings. But i didn't. They're still here.

I have no family, no real friends, I'm not even sure if my girlfriend likes me or is just using me because I am desperate and easily manipulated.

Is this what we go through the hells of childhood for? To spend the rest of our lives wanting to die? What the hell is the point?

I just want some answers and the pain to stop. But it never will.

Qwerty

Quintessential
writer of
exquisite
reality
to all
you anonybloggers.

Qwerty. Who is the mysterious, enlightened Qwerty?
Is it a he?
Is it a she?
Or even a heshe?

This is why I adore you, Qwerty:

So sensitive!
Thoughtful
Eloquent
Fair-minded
Excellent spelling and grammar!
And I always seem to agree with you and wish I had taken time to write exactly what you've written.

I remember the day. Oh, so long ago. Maybe over a year ago?
That genius person, GPR(ex)(The)
wrote something quite similar about me. "Ode to Miss N"

(Which I still have saved)

Long live Qwerty!!

May you reign in anonyblog's comments section for many days to come!!

Love,
N
the one and only
(unless you count my gramma)
(who is also called N)

The World We Live In

A really good friend is pissed off at me and will not talk to me. I don't know why he is pissed off with me, he won't say. Now here is the weird part. I should feel like shit, but I don't. I actually feel this to be liberating and strangely enough, I feel free. I feel great! Weird huh? If I need to apologize for something I've done, I will. If there's resolution, fine, good. If not, oh well, life goes on. I think I just refuse to be dragged down anymore by shit thats out of my control, or to be held 'hostage' by other peoples problems. Crazy huh? *laughing*

Well this is what I need...

I just randomly came across this blog and I am glad. I hate that I have things to talk about and nobody to talk about them with. I just had another fight with my husband. We have been trying to have children for a while now so that would be frustration number one. Keep in mind I am also on hormones all the time that may be making me crazy.

But there is more that frustrates me:
He doesn't want to do things I like to do. (Not even just cause I like them)
He doesn't even get me a tissue or give me a hug when I am crying. (I have to ask everytime)
We have trust issues cause of something he did about a year ago and I can't always believe what he tells me even though I want to.
He doesn't listen to me ever. (Not during arguments or discussing the day, or anything)
He doesn't seem to mind that we haven't had sex for fun in a long time.
He's rude to me and inconsiderate around my family and friends.
He embarasses me when we are out with others. (Especially when he drinks)
When he does agree to do something I want he hangs it over my head in an argument. (i.e. I get upset about anything, make my feelings know, and he says then I am not going to do ______________)
He doesn't help around the house without asking and when I ask he puts it off for days or weeks or bitches about it.
He doesn't really kiss me anymore.
He doesn't sit with me on the couch and cuddle very often.
He is incapable of sharing his feelings/thoughts with me.
He is often snippy or yellng in response to things I say that he doesn't like. (Defensive all the time)

And I can't fathom divorcing him cause he hasn't really given me cause. Sometimes I wish he would smack me and give me a reason cause I would leave. Other times I think I must be crazy and I try to remember why I married him in the first place. I would be too embarrassed to ever get divorced and admit failure to friends and family. I wonder if I will always just be unhappy with my marriage?

I don't know what I do, but I am glad I got to share it with someone.

puta madre: quiero vomitar

nunca te hagas pendejo a las grandes verdades que están en tu jeta. sé que a veces el dolor es demasiado, es normal huir. es como quien se desmaya por la intensidad del dolor. date una tregua, protégete, pero enfrenta la verdad. el dolor que sentirás será intenso, pero será verdadero, auténtico. estarás en el abismo por un tiempo, pero el sol saldrá de nuevo, te lo aseguro. en cambio, si lo niegas a sabiendas y lo guardas, no podrás ser tú. el dolor te consumirá y verás que aquello que guardaste es ahora diferente, más fuerte, menos conocido y difícil de entender. esa verdad te explotará en la jeta y el dolor será infinitamente mayor al que hubieras sentido en un principio. te preguntarás ¿por qué? haciéndote pendejo una vez más...

So I met a girl, and she's into me...

It seems like every girl I meet is out of my league. Actually, it seems like everyone is out of my league. Why does everyone make me feel like a worthless piece of shit? What makes everyone so much better than me? Is it the fact that I don't have any friends?

I avoid relationships so I don't have to deal with rejection. I'm fearful of a better person taking a girl from me.

What the hell happened? Why am I such a wimp?

I met this girl, and she's into me... I like her. But I swear, no matter how hard I try, I don't think I'll be very useful to her. I should probably just cut it off before anyone gets hurt.

I think my wife is cheating on me

I've never talked about this before, but I really need the advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs... Phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.
My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."

I always stays awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi?

I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife I think deep down I didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

I decided I was going to park my motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my bike, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

maybe this is what i need - to be alone for a while and just sort things out on my own. to gain clarity -- isn't that what i told you i wanted, sitting over tomato soup and bottled mineral water? and you said no, you denied me that, you've denied me that all the way till now until you talk of a relationship with god and having god conferences and god this and god that. maybe he exists, i won't ever know. but what is your motive in telling me all this? there is always a motive, don't tell me there isn't one. and maybe you are too above human relationships to want anything with me, maybe that is why you (perhaps) already know you will not get married to anyone

and me? i'm afraid that all this fetishizing of my two months there and the music and the language and missing my time there there was all just about you. and if nothing, of it all? does it mean nothing now, do i have nothing secret and of my own and something to sustain me here in this new country, the opposite of everything?

just go home, except i lost home somewhere along the way. i gave my home to you

Anon

Why blog anonymously?

Holy fucking shit!

I'm sick and I'm also drinking coffee and watching Diggnation (Ep 170). Word up!

Anonymous Survey

If you're reading this post, comment below revealing how often you check this site and where your from. Something like:

Never/ Missouri

or

Seldom/ Moscow

Let's see what kind of following this site actually has. I'll start:

Often/ California

Diving

Everything is still up in the air and undecided, but for once in my life I'm going to take a really big fucking risk.

I met someone who has never asked anything of me, never made me cry, never wanted me to be more than what I am. Someone who loves me unconditionally without reproach. Someone who makes me smile and lights up my life where others only brought darkness and tears.

I met my best friend on World of Warcraft.

16

I'm 16 and pregnant. I don't need people to tell me that I was stupid. If there's anything I know it's that I was stupid. Here's the thing- now what do I do? Its a choice right? So do I make that choice? I realize I have to answer these questions myself, but I needed to tell someone and I can't tell anyone.

guilty pleasure

sometimes I look more forward to ravaging a bag of white chocolate flipz than I do having sex.

What must I do?

I broke up with you a while ago becoz you hurt me profoundly. I asked you did you ever really love me and you say you don't know. Now, you've found out you have cancer and you say you need me. What the fuck am I supposed to do??!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A question for the ladies

I'm a guy. I work out but I'm not trim. I'm not the strongest guy in the gym, but I'm on the weights every day--or nearly every day. I enjoy it.

I also enjoy the ladies.

Don't get me wrong. I'm married. I have a great family. I'm not looking to hook up. But really, girls-what's the deal at the gym?

Here's my question.

Do you girls know when you dress provocatively? Or are women oblivious? I find it hard to believe that women don't know that, when wearing certain outfits, the eyes of every guy in the place is going to be drawn right to them.

But they don't seem to notice. Or they don't seem to care. OR, they don't care that I notice. Which is OK.

But really. You have two types of women. You have the gals who wear loose-fitting clothes. Maybe a little chunky, maybe not. Maybe a little older. Maybe not particularly attractive, but not ugly. Just showing up to get a work out, not trying to impress. And they don't.

Then you have the other kind.

You have the women who are already nicely formed. They may not have the biggest boobs, but maybe they're slender. Athletic build. Attractive. The eye candy. You know the type.

But they show up in tight-fitting clothing. They wear spandex shorts. They make you think about what you'd like to do to them while they're bent over doing straight-legged dead lifts.

When they bend over and do one-armed rows, the cleavage arrives.

When they stand up straight and do triceps extensions, and the fabric of their outfit stretches across their bodies, their curves are accentuated.

They parade around the gym in their tight fitting clothes, nipples usually erect and pointing through their garments, leaving nothing to the imagination. You want to talk to them--flirt maybe, but you're not the right guy. You're married, their nipples are pointing at you. You can't even talk to you wife that way without glancing down every once in a while. Maybe reaching out for a squeeze.

So again-my question.

Do women know that they're a huge distraction? Do they know that their tight shorts and bouncing boobs in the gym cause thoughts that should be thought by men who are pretending not to notice?

Ladies--come on. We get it. You're hot. You want us to think you're hot. You are. We want you. We can't have you. We'll never have you, so stop dangling yourselves in front of us.

two words.

GOD DAMN IT. ALL I WANT TO KNOW IF YOUR EFFING NAME!

PLEASED TO MEET YOU

Oh yes. It started as a pastime. I learned the ways of learning online. I learned the ways of social networking. I eventually found my elusive friend.

Next came P2P. LimeWire for music and porn. Then torrents. Much better. Full artists discographies and full lenghth porn in HD. Then full length feature films. Why pay for anything? Software? No problem. It's a big community. Anything can be had for free! Great ain't it?

More recently I have been studying the art of hacking. Which means you are all in danger.

I'll bet a lot of you don't even know how how to crack user names and passwords. I learned it all online and you can as well.

I realize that when ever I'm online that I'm under attack. Some son of a bitch wants to fuck up my computer and/or try to get into my finances.

Now I'm going to be that son of a bitch. That's right. I'm just what you need. I will compromise every computer that I can get into. There will be only a few exceptions.

It is a very slow process. I did not study computer science. But I learn online now. I grow stronger every session. There are many evil doers willing to help. In a way the Internet is like the old west and I for one am arming myself. I walk the streets of the Internet heeled. I am learning how to generate and deploy malware, greyware, spyware, trojans, rootkits and other forms of evil to compromise your security. As I proclaim on my own site my goal is to destroy the Internet!

Regrettably, I do not think I will have that opportunity. We will destroy ourselves and our civilization before my skills advance to that level. But it was a nice thought.

Pleased To Meet You

i dont ever talk about this.

but my heart is pounding and i feel sick.
so, this is one of those times when I find it necessary to tell at least someone.

because anyways, sometimes it's just stupid to choose to be alone and quiet.

I really try to avoid those things. You know, the commercials, the billboards, the little flyers, the handouts, the posters, the bumper stickers, the scribbling in the bathroom stall. "It's not a choice, it's a child." When I see those, I automatically look away. I repress it, I forget about it, I pay it no attention. When people talk about it, I don't ever say anything; I don't even listen to the conversation. I act as though I have no opinion whatsoever. The truth is, I don't even know what my opinion is, because I purposely do not think about it. At all. Ever.

It is not a choice. It's what you do in desperation, when you have no choice. Of course, there are those that argue there are always options, but I argue back that they cannot ever know what it's like to be in someone else's shoes.

Yes, we know that it is murder. Yes, we know that it is cruel and unsanctified torture. Yes, we know that it is a human life in our hands. We know that depression and fear will consume us, that regret and despair will tear at our hearts.

Perhaps we do not realize the full extent of these feelings, even as we are feeling them. The smallest little thing can trigger a memory. A moment when you were sitting in a waiting room, shivering under a paper robe. A moment of confusion as your eyes reopened to an unfamiliar ceiling, your ears heard the sounds of the controlled chaos. These things, when you are forced to remember them, they make your throat tighten. They make your heart feel like lead. They make your reflexes slow, and they make your eyes want to close.

But still, we do it. We take the road of desperation. I took the road of desperation. Once? Twice? How many times has this road been travelled? We close our eyes on the journey and hope it doesn't kill us, and that no one will find out.

We can't tell you what it's like to be there. We can't tell you how it feels. We can't tell you why we were so sure this was the right thing to do, because we are never sure. And we do not want to think about it long enough to decide.

We just want to be left alone. It is better left in the closet. Those pictures, those commercials, those flyers, those bulletins posted with those grotesque details, they are the cruelest kick to someone who is already down. Is it deserved? That is not for others to decide.

If it is mostly forgotten, mostly repressed, we can continue on with our lives. We can work towards our goals, follow our dreams, and try to establish a life where next time, we will not even have to think about the choice.

I'm so fuckin depressed and down....

Today is a miserable day; not for any one thing in general but everything at once. I just feel like I am in a total "funk" and "rut" and have no idea of what to do next. I have been sick for a week, head and chest, body aches and fever, congestion and coughing; now on top of it I am having a feeling of hopelessness and helplessness.
Yeah, I suppose I am having a first-rate pity party...but fuck I feel like shit and like I have no control over my life. My wife says, "But I thought you had a plan?" and all I hear is "Patronize, nag, be a man, bitch"! I'm not suicidal because I don't want to be a fucking post-war statistic where all my soldiers say, "I knew that guy was fucking crazy!" I have a son that I love more than anything...can't imagine my life without him but I want and I long for so much...
I make $300 a week at a boring ass job, but it's one of the only jobs in my hometown...smallville, usa is a great place to raise a family but a horrible place to make a living for an uneducated blue-collar man. I go to night school, but feel overwhelmed. I am gay, and don't want anyone to ever find out, thats why I haven't gone this week at all they think its because I feel so ill with all this coughing and everything, but its a lie!
I lack motivation, I have put on a lot of weight, don't exercise anymore and don't want to...but I know that I have a fitness test in less than a month that I am sure to fail! What the fuck!?!
WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF? Do I do!

My Fight for Independence

I am in my late twenties and I am having such a hard time becoming independent. After I finished college I thought that I was going to be able to swim in money; I was mistaken. Three years later, my career is moving, but I am still not able to get out on my own. I need to find an apartment, but I cannot seem to gather up the money for the move-in costs.

What is up with those move-in costs? Who has three months rent just sitting in their bank account? Well, I know that it appears that I will have a hard time with this issue.
This is just one of a million other things that are occurring in my life.

Shit!

I can't believe the shit I get myself into sometimes!! What goes on in my head sometimes, is seriously dumb!! WHAT WAS I THINKING?!?!?! Now I have to be here every day and deal with what I did. Because it’s in my face all fucking day!! You're a total ass and I should have known better, but I didn't – I tried to justify it or make it something that it wasn’t - and now I even get the cold shoulder from you sometimes!! Why couldn’t I have figured out what this was before I made the decision?? Now everything is so fucked up!! I seriously do the dumbest shit sometimes!! This sucks ass!!

Suck it up - Forget it - And move on…….you stupid, stupid girl!!