I don't want to whine about my life and act like a total loser, but I'm the new kid in school. I've never been the new kid before, and the only time I was was back in elementary school at the beginning of fifth grade and no one cared what others think. Now I'm in seventh grade, it's the middle of November, and it's been more than a month since I moved to Connecticut from Texas. It's a huge move, I know, and I wish people would just stop telling me that! Seriously, they're always saying things like, "Oh, you must miss it there," and "Wow, I would have hated moving from that warm weather!" I hate it when people are always stating the obvious, especially when the obvious is pessimistic. My parents are trying to help with me as much as they can, and I really appreciate and love them, but sometimes it's hard trying to be the perfect kid and make new friends and at the same time have to focus on grades and being happy. My first test in math was a 68%, and half the time I have my homework done because I'm still getting settled in my house and it's hard to find tiny little things like a pencil or scratch paper, but my teachers never forgive me and think I do this on purpose. I also wish people would stop blaming me for my mistakes, and lately I've been having trouble getting along with my parents. It's rare to have one week where I haven't just cried out of how much I hate my life and how hopeless I am. Lonely Friday nights are even worse. It doesn't make me feel any better when I call up my best friend to ask how she's doing back in Texas and she ALWAYS responds with something like, "I got a new boyfriend, you would have really liked him!" and, the worst she could do to torture me, "Life is going so perfect right now. The only thing missing is you." I guess it's even worse that Connecticut has the most stupid little preps who think they're the most perfect thing in the world, and even if they don't know me they're always shooting a glance of disapproval my way all the time that makes me come home crying. The few new friends I have don't even know the real me, who've people who do know me like my old friends in Texas say is funny, sweet, and caring. I'm so sad I can't even talk openly, and life is just TOO hard on me now. I feel like I'm going under adolescent depression, with the lack of friends, someone to talk to, and hope. So far, the only hope I have is the small chance we'll move back in two years. Even though that's not too long away, I'll still have to cope with two years of this. I'm pretty sure if I still haven't gotten used to school and life here after a month, it's going to stay like that. I know nobody can understand me and doesn't agree with me on a lot of things I've said, but I seriously wish I could kill myself sometimes. Scratch that, ALL the time. It doesn't help that my brother has just gone to college and my parents are obsessed with me and trying to be hovering around all the time. I don't have my own space, my own privacy to cry, and no real friends, and the loneliness that my brother isn't here anymore. I love him very much, and I know this is sneaky and immature but I do it all the time, I was reading his text messages to his friends, and he told them he notices that I'm under depression. Sometimes the people whom you wouldn't think to care at all know you the most. I just wished he could show his sympathy to me, so I could have at least one person to talk to. I guess it's just my Karma.
i want him back so bad. all my actions screwed everything up. the jealousy, insecurities, negative thinking, smothering, it messed it all up, and now he's fallen out of love with me. then, he tells me there may be another chick on the side. i love him so much. we still hang out, and we're best friends, but it hurts somewhat. i'm trying everything i can to show him i'm the one for him. he sounds depressed lately. maybe he regrets his decision, but doesn't want to tell me. i could see why, though. i told him about the boys i had a crush on, because he told me about the girl he had a crush on and asked me who i liked. tomorrow i'm going to tell him that i don't have feelings for that person like i thought i did.
i love him, and i know through prayer and change, god will send him back to me.
I haven't seen my family in over 8 months. That's long time. I'm going home next year though, for a whole month. Damn, I can't wait. I've been imagining meeting them at the airport. Seeing my litle nephews. I probably won't recognise them. I wish I could have it all. Live in both sides of the world at once. Do what I'm doing now, but still be able to see my family. They mean the world to me.
I had a dream last night. It was so vivid and it felt so real. I was back home. Everything was normal, like nothing changed. And when I woke up it felt like everything is surreal. That was a weird feeling.
I wish I could fast forward time to the day I board a plane and go home. I know that it will happen. I would just like it to happen sooner...
Smoke another cigarette. Should I get some coffee? Yeah, I guess so. I have stuff to do. I'm not going to do it. It's easier to do nothing. What other bullshit phrases can I type into the search bar for Google to give me links to info on the meandering? I fucking hate hip hop! I don't want to be a consumer anymore. BAA BAA. Fucking sheople. Go figure... paying for internet online being one of them. Fucking me. Oh! Oh! Let us not forget my three sets of all fifty state quarters pressed into cardboard holes! BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. And, why do I have three sets of kitchen cutlery?
I want to document my life with the hope that someday someone creates a time machine so that I can go back and warn myself not to fuck up my life again. Im a 26 year old guy, I have more than enough of everything, Im good looking, I have an IQ of well above 140, and Ive got an amazing family. But I let myself down, I wasted my life, Ive got nothing to show for the past 8 years except a failed 6 year relationship. Im just lost, I just dont know what to do anymore, every day is just another day lost. Im tired, Im broken, I just want another chance. I wish I could go back, make use of the oppertunities I had, take my life back. I miss my life, the life I could have had, the life I should have had. My life makes me sick to the stomach. I wish I knew where to go from here. I want to OD on antidepressants and hope it permanently wipes away all trace of emotion. I dont want to feel anymore. SJDT
I'm tired of love. I'm tired of letting go. It's so damn hard. I wish I could forget the day I met you up until the day you left. How do I do that? I'm tired of feeling this way. Tired of holding on. Somedays I think I'm ok but then it hits me again...... fiercely. I hope one day I'll be able to let go.
I never really know how to keep a date interested without really dwelling on the mundane meet and greet where did you grow up sort of conversations. I somehow have transfigured our conversation from what are you planning to do after you're done with school to nonchalantly stating that I use to have a homemade tetherball in my backyard when I was growing up. Maybe I went overboard.
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In other news, I've been seeing this person whom I had some interest shortly after a few weeks. It was obvious he liked me after meeting a couple of times. I didn't reciprocate with mutual interest in time for him to understand my awkward way of showing otherwise. I thought he dumped me. He did. A few days later, he admitted he wanted to marry me. I didn't understand why'd he say that after dumping me. Why do people have the tendency to say these things during which the interest is at it highest peak?
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I don't understand why my ex would send me photos of him and his new gf on a cruise and inform me how he took her out on her bday to a nice formal restaurant. It slightly stung partly bc he never remembered my bday for three years and sure we never had that sort of luxury of going out while dating in college. He must have thought I was a heartless robot. It was he who dumped me.
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It'd be easier to live life without our natural embedded desires to want and to be needed. Without self-control, I'm a complete reckless mess. I can't help the feeling of being needy and attached. It's disgusting. For this, I rather be prospecting the from sideline until I mature enough to get involved again.
Life would be easier if we lived without any expectations of others or ourselves. Maybe we wouldn't be so angry or disappointed. I'd take contentment over searching to be happy.
I hate being conservative or being around the conservatives. Stop repressing and start exploiting your creativity of living. Who gives.
Last night my friend and I cleaned this building for a cleaning service, and I was going to steal some plastic bags and toilet paper from this building, but I forgot them in the janitor's closet. Today my boss called me with accusations of stealing these things. I've never stolen before, so I denied it, and he believed me. I still might get fired for it, but the worst thing is- I was gonna steal and I lied over PLASTIC BAGS AND TOILET PAPER! How can I be so stupid? God I hate my life...
I'm miserable. I hate my life. But I guess its all my fault anyways. It all started off good, I was a straight A student and had a promising life ahead of me. Then I got distracted by a boy at the tender age of 12 and things just fell apart. I was so. wrapped up into this guy, it was just an unhealthy situation. The relationship became very abusive over time and I was "so in love" that I just thought I couldn't live with out him. And after a while the physical fights and the name calling just became acceptable to me. I allowed this boy to brake my spirit. I allowed another human to "destroy" me. I allowed someone to make me believe I was worthless. So then my school work began to suffer because I just couldn't focus anymore. Then I got pregnant at the unacceptable age of 15. I successfully became a disgrace. At the time I felt I had to deal with my decisions like an "adult" so I accepted my responsibilities, hence no abortion. I attended catholic school so I hid my pregnancy. I cried everyday because I made myself a statistic.
Fast forward to:
The boy who I had a child with decided to have a baby with another person and stop taking care of our child. I now was completely alone in raising a baby while still being a baby. I fell into something much worse than a "depression" because years later I still haven't recovered. I had lost all motivation to do ANYTHING. Getting out of bed was a task in itself and I had to take care of another person. I then pulled away from the people in my life and became a hermit. I didn't try to help myself get out of the rut I was in because I was too drained I had nothing left. I was a mess.
Fast forward to:
Years later...something changed. I got some motivation. After bouncing from college to college with no direction in life, I finally realised what I wanted to do in life. So I make steps to achieving this goal. And what happens? A big fat nothing. I finished and now I'm still unemployed. There were no birthday presents for my baby and looks like there will be no christmas presents. I am a horrible mother. But I have really tried to make a better life through school. The thing is I always believed in God, even through all the trials and tribulations (being homeless, starving, etc) and I always heard that God helps those who help themselves. I HAVE FINALLY done something positive and tried to help bring my life to a better place. And I pray and I pray and still nothing. I know now looking back at my life that God doesn't care about me. I no longer know what do. I am completely broken. I've lost all positivity. I feel like I'm just sinking deeper. I'm just so negative and angry all the time. I hate my family. I am grown and live at home with these people because I'm unemployed. My child hates them as well. I'm a failure and I know its all my fault. I try to hang on to the notion that it will someday get better but its been too long. I'm tired. I don't think I can hang on much longer. I hate myself.
Friendship is just like being married to someone. Except you don't live together. That's my take on it. My friendship to you is like that. And it's so tiring. With you, I'm walking on egg shells. Do you know how tiring that is. You are an extremist. You are passionate. You are moody. So moody. It jumps up and down. You never know what you're gonna get. We had a fall out. Our second one in the 8months since we've been friends. I don't want to lose your friendship though. 'Cause to me its special and it has value. But there's always so many issues. I'd think things are good again but then I say something then you completely misconstrue it and make up your own mind about it. Practically making up my mind for me too. I try and tell you what I'M thinking but you think I'm lying. You are always right. And I am always wrong. This friendship has forced me to become more assertive and stand my ground. And not be bullied into thinking that I'm the one that is at fault and not you. We both have flaws. We both hurt each other. In different ways, I suppose. Now, all I want is for us to talk about them. We have a great friendship. It has the potential to aspire to an even greater one.
Some years ago, I came across the obituary of a woman named Doris Duke, a tobacco heiress and philanthropist. She was a woman of immeasurable wealth, worth some $1 billion at the time of her death at age 80.
She once told a friend that she never knew when a man really loved her, because, after all, she was worth a billion dollars. She said, "I would go out with a man a couple of times, and the next thing I knew, he would be saying, 'I love you.' I could never really know if he really meant it. How could I be sure?"
That is a good question. How can we be sure of real love? We use the word love so often that it has almost become a cliché. We have only one word for love in the English language. We use it in a variety of ways, ranging from "I love my job" to "I love my car" to "I love my dog" to "I love my wife."
But what is love? One dictionary defines it as "a profoundly tender, passionate affection, a feeling of warm personal attachment, sexual desire or its gratification."
I think that is a poor definition of love, but sadly, many wouldn't even aspire to something that high. Love is more than an emotion; it's a commitment.
In contrast to English, the Greek language uses many words for love. Some of them are used in the Bible, including the words er?s, phile?, storg?, and agap?. Er?s, from which we get our English word erotic, is primarily love on the physical level. Phile?, from which the name Philadelphia originates, means "brotherly love." It is the love that two friends have, a friendship love. Then there is storg?, which refers to family love, such as the love of a child for a parent or a parent for a child.
Finally, there is a unique word for love that is used so often in the New Testament: agap?. When we read the word love in Scripture, it is usually agap?. This is God's love, a supernatural love that also can be known and practiced by us.
That is not to say that physical attraction, friendship love, and family love are unimportant. They each have their place.
For example, if er?s is satisfied in the marriage relationship, it can be wonderful. But you don't want to build a marriage on physical attraction alone. If you build a marriage solely on er?s, it is destined for failure.
You need to take the time to get to know a person and allow friendship love to develop as you grow closer to one another. But you also need that supernatural love to really sustain, strengthen, and cause your relationship to flourish.
When you have built your relationship on the right foundation, you will look forward to the years ahead, instead of dreading the aging process together. You will grow to appreciate your husband or wife more and more. It is not just a matter of falling in love. It is also a matter of growing in love.
While the right relationship built on the right foundation can be wonderful, there is a far greater love available to us. The Bible tells us about it in John 3:16: "For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life" (NKJV). This same God wants to come into your life and show you real love.
Each of us was born with a hole in our heart that cannot be filled with anyone or anything. We can try to fill it with relationships. We can try to fill it with possessions or career or success or a myriad of other things. But nothing will fill that void because we were created to know God.
Many of us confuse loneliness for God with something else, when, in reality, we are lonely to have a relationship with the God whom we are separated from.
Are you tired of the cheap imitations for love that this world offers—people who say they love you, and then use you or take advantage of you?
God will never use you. He will never take advantage of you. But what He will do is show you what real love is all about.
He loves you with the best kind of love: agap?. Now that is true love.
Yea- to all those who prayed to God that John McCain would be our next President, guess what, God wants Obama!
If God explicitly designed the human reproductive system, considering 1 in 5 pregnancies ends in spontaneous miscarriage… is God the biggest abortionist of the all?
P.S. God loves Kody R. Bear, you should too!
People over 30 should be dead. Here's why ....................
According to today's regulators and bureaucrats,
Those of us who were kids in the 40's, 50's, 60's,
or even maybe the early 70’s probably shouldn't have survived.
Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles doors or cabinets, ... and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets. (Not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking.)
As children, we would ride in cars with no seatbelts or air bags.
Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.
Horrors!
W e ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one actually died from this.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode
down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes..
After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were
back when the street lights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day.
NO CELL PHONES!!!!!
Unthinkable!
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, no video games at
all, no 99 channels on cable, video tape movies, surround sound,
personal cell phones, personal computers, or Internet chat rooms
We ha d friends! We went outside and found them.
We played dodge ball, and sometimes, the ball would really hurt.
We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and
teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
They were accidents. No one was to blame but us.
Remember accidents?
We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned
to get over it.
We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and
ate worms, and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out
very many eyes, nor did the worms live inside us forever.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or
rang the bell or just walked in and talked to them.
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who
didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.
Some students weren't as smart as others,
so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade.
Horrors!
Tests were not adjusted for any reason. Our actions were our own.
Consequences were expected. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we
broke a law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law. Imagine that!
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem
solvers and inventors, ever.
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all. And you're one of them!
Congratulations! To all who were able to be kids, before lawyers and government regulated our lives, for our own good !!!!!
People under 30 are WIMPS
In stead of enjoying my life, I sulk. Over what? Fuck, I hate being me sometimes. Why can't I just move the fuck on!?
Thought I'd post this here too and see what ya'll have to say.
As we approach this season of feasting and celebrating, I am forced more and more into a sense of unease. Finally, I understand why some - and in fact many - people dread Thanksgiving and Christmas.
We (my family) are entering the first holiday season, the one year anniversary, without my cousin Jeff.
I still cry when I think about him. I tried to talk about it at church during prayers and concerns, but had to stop. Just asking for a prayer was an enormous task, and I didn't even realize beforehand. It's been a whole year. I have spent my whole year very busy, and also not very busy. Eleven months of my life has passed, and we have all been going through the grieving and healing processes. But just because time has passed does not mean we are ready to have Christmas again.
I don't even want to have Thanksgiving. Can we just pretend it's another normal day? How can we possibly not be disturbed when the last time any of us saw him was Thanksgiving Day 2007? I very distinctly, and will never forget for all of my life, walking in through the garage door of my aunt's house. I walk in, greeted by Maizy barking and wiggling, and Jeff to the left, in the lazy boy in front of the football game. He was wearing a knitted sweater with lines and zig-zags. Of course he was wearing that sweater.
I remember the days when we were much younger, when Uncle Paul still had those big white dogs. One of them was named Bo, can't remember the other's name. I remember when the dogs died, and how upset Jeff was because he had loved them since they day they came into the family.
Gosh. It's just a stream of memories, the funny things. Everyone sitting at the big table, sitting on the couch in front of the fire or the 12 foot Christmas tree or the football game. The home videos of everyone opening presents. The jokes he would crack, the one-liners with my dad, Uncle Paul, and even Max. And my mom and my brother and EVERYONE. We loved him!
And holidays force us into this. To remember how great of a person he was, how loving and honest. How much we loved him and how we could have appreciated him more or in a better way.
Remembering is not a bad thing. But how can we face these days, knowing how painful it will be? Knowing that we will all cry, that we will miss him so much? How can we worry about the turkey and the presents when one of us is never going to be present again?
People complain about a lot of things. I can't afford to buy anyone any presents, not even for my little sisters. We don't ever get any leftovers from the turkey dinner. When will we see our good pyrex again? I hate having to dress nicely. Who wants to spend the gas just to fulfill an obligation and go see family that you don't ever talk to? Who wants to go out in the freezing cold? Families argue and fight. People get upset over petty isues and offend one another. My family is always at least 45 minutes late for everything. Certain people have been outcast from the family circle and are no longer loved and appreciated as an important part of the group.
But, family. These are people who play some role in your life. They had a hand in your upbringing. These were the first people to influence your character. These are the people who love you, even when they don't want to. People who care what you are doing in your life, what kind of grades you got, who your new boyfriend is, how your job is going. People who want to make sure you've had a good dinner.
Isn't that enough? Do you have to fight and complain? Do you have to hold grudges and anger tight like a 20 dollar bill?
Things happen for a reason. I am crying in the library writing this, wiping my face off on my good black coat. But at least I've had a moment of reflection and understanding. I am frustrated and upset and hurt. I hurt for my family and our loss. I hurt for the pain my tios feel, how much they must still think of him and wish things could have been different. And there's still that portion of guilt, feeling like I should have or could have done something. I'll be honest, I don't know what to do.
I don't have the answers, not for myself or for my family. I don't know how to make the pain less.
I love them, all of them. I even just sent a text to my outcast cousin, saying I just wanted to say hello, I love her, and will think of her. That's all our relationship can ever be, but with the experience of this past year is a sharp reminder of how short life is.
Please understand that holidays are not about traditions and obligations. It really doesn't matter if you have nothing nice to wear. So what if gas is expensive! Yeah, that certain family member tells gross stories and is a horrid conversationalist. Appreciate your family, blood and not blood. It's up to you to be their shoulder to cry on, to tell the stories of what has passed, and to create the new stories of today.
We will have Thanksgiving. We might not have my favorite ham, open November birthday presents, or dress nicely. But we are going to be a family; this is why we are as such.
I'll be wearing a woolly, zig-zag sweater.
(sorry for the ramblin)
N
Hmmm…I’m not sure where to start with my story. But I guess I’ll start 7 months ago when this all started…When I first fell...When I realized it wasn't just me...when I realized that maybe he was fun...I don't normally let people in. At least not without a lot of work. Especially the way I let him in. I don't believe the lies, I laugh at the lines, I usually see through the bullshit - in fact I usually laugh at the stupid girls who fall for it... But this time- this time it was different. Long story short, I fell for the wrong person. Maybe he swept me away with his slick talk, maybe I was just bored and wanted something new, and maybe I just didn’t want to go through the rest of my life with regrets – regardless, I fell and I fell hard. He was all I could think about, even at the most inappropriate times. I went through a lot of crazy personal life drama that I felt I would never get out of, but the light at the end of the tunnel was his amazing kiss. I tried to figure out whether it was true feelings or just lust…to this day I can’t answer that question and I don’t think I will ever be able to. Though it took a long time for us to get physical, I consulted a mutual friend before hand. She said not to do it, she said it wasn’t worth it –she said that what I had in my life was much more fulfilling. I didn’t listen. I heard her words, but all I could think of was the way he touched me, how he smelled, the way he looked at me. There was nothing I wanted more than to be near him, to laugh at his jokes, hear the story of his life. I don’t know though if he felt the same way – and he probably didn’t- maybe because he didn’t see me like that, maybe because he’s a man- and single & lovin’ it, or maybe because he didn’t want to get hurt considering my situation. But I always tried to understand his situation. You can’t tie down a single man when there is no prospects of a future with you – or if he’s happy where he’s at. I was unbelievably understanding to that. I never nagged, never asked, but I knew. I guess I’m an idiot for feeling the way I do right now knowing what I knew about the situation.
I guess what I really want to say, is that the player got played. Karma is in fact a bitch, they don’t just say that because. But it’s funny because it doesn’t always come the way you think it will, and maybe that’s the whole joke that Karma plays on us. With a change of scenery, I asked if he was planning on forgetting me. And to this question, I got no answer. Not a “this can’t keep happening”, not a “yes”, not a “no”, not even a “we’ll see what happens”-I got nothing. At that moment, when I realized I wasn’t going to get an answer I flashed back to the last time when he asked me what I was going to do when he left. I flashed back to him giving me a chuckle when I said that maybe he’d have to give me his actual cell phone number, not the one I was calling him on. I flashed back to him saying that he thought about me and that as hard as he tried he couldn’t stay away from me, and I wondered If he was lying – I wondered if he was just saying that, and I wondered what that even meant. And I’m so angry with myself now, for letting myself get to this place.
My first broken heart was in high school, and I feel like I’m going through it all over again. And the worst part is that I have no one. No one to just hug me and say that everything will be okay, that’s all I want. Because the only two people who I trusted with this secret both told me so many times to stay away, that they have no pitty for me now. And I don’t blame them at all -not even a little. But it does make it that much harder, because everything I feel stays inside me. And every time I think back to all the good times, the fun times …….And I just keep blaming myself – after all who else would possibly be to blame. I’m hurt. I’m heartbroken. I’m angry. I feel these mixed emotions and I don’t know what to do with them. I know that it will get easier, especially now – after all he’s no longer a part of my daily life. So I guess I will try to take this as a lesson learned. But for now, I sit here hurting. Trying to remember that there are better things in life. That what is in my life right now is more important.
God Damn this hurts so bad though! I can’t stop crying – which puts me in a bad position with others who will start asking questions soon. I’m trying so hard to keep it together. It’s amazing how hard it is to do anything – even the simplest task -when you feel so hurt. I guess in the end, things could have ended a lot worse than they did, and I should be thankful that it didn’t happen like that. The truth could have come out and that would have been detrimental to both our lives. Maybe it’s true when people say things happen for a reason. Maybe this is God’s way of intervening, of making the choice I’ve been trying to make for some time now. After all I knew this would end sometime and that it should have never started in the first place. Just have take it one day at time.
That’s my story.
“Nothing's ever promised tomorrow today - But we'll find a way- And nothing lasts forever but be honest babe, it hurts but it may be the only way…”
I feel lost. Been living in a foreign country for quite some time now. And i'm just 23. I miss my family. Yeah, I have friends and i'm constantly busy. But I feel lost. Like I'm living from one day to the next. It's like I've lost my purpose. Sometimes it feels like I still have it. Maybe it's just because I miss my family.
I do love my job though. So, I'm not unhappy there. But with life in general I feel lost. I wish I was back home. I sometimes wonder, especially these days, how life would be when I go back home. If I'll be able to go back to the same lifestyle again. I'm not saying that it was terrible. It was different. Maybe this is just a phase I'm going through - a 'lost' phase. If something like that exists.
Christmas is nearing too. My first Christmas without my family. I'm gonna miss it so much. We have a tradition every Christmas. Everyone is in a festive mood. Christmas eve we wait until midnight then we exchange gifts. My nephews would be asking the whole day how long still till it's midnight. The living room floor would be covered in wrapping paper and boxes and gifts. Then Christmas morning my mom would be busy in the kitchen preparing the big lunch. I always made the starter and dessert. Then I'd decorate our big dining table and lay out all the cutlery and plates. All the while, Christmas carols would be streaming from the cd player. I loved the sense of family and togetherness. Then all problems and differences are pushed aside. My dad would even help with the food. I'm going to miss Christmas this year. More than I realised I would. I'm gonna miss seeing the happy and excited, but also sleepy expressions of my nephews after they opened their presents. I'm gonna miss the hugs after I hand out my gifts to everyone. Especially my mom's.
But hey, I'm sure I'll be fine. My friends miss home too. We'll make Christmas special in our own way, I'm sure. It's sad too though 'cause it is my first Christmas without my family. So, I guess I'm aloud to feel sad.
Life is something else. Everyday I learn something new. I see something differently. I feel differently. Everyday is a new day. In every sense of that phrase. Now, I'm feeling lost. I'm sure I'll find my way back to where I'm supposed to be. With time.
Does it matter
if I have a step mother?
Does it matter
if I never knew my birth mother, who died the day she brought me into this world?
I don't know. Should it matter to me? Any of those things?
I don't know how I feel about my current parents. They never praise me--they only nitpick, scold me for everything that I've done, every fault of mine, and even those that aren't mine. It's as if there is no room for praise or encouragement, only room to put rage and disappointment on. If there is even one "B" on the report card, out of all the A's, then it's a lost cause.
I'm stuck. Why do I have a sense of obligation to them
when all I ever do
is get yelled at, even though I try not to make them mad?
In fifth or sixth grade...
I was so childish.
My step-mother started scolding me at that time.
I wrote in my diary:
"I hate that witch who had sex with my dad."
She read it and thought I was talking about her, when I actually was referring to a woman that my dad used to see. Since then, she thinks I hate her. But she's mistaken. Yet, no matter how many times I try to tell her that "I don't hate her," she refuses to believe me.
And my dad.
Why should I listen to him [but I do]
when he was never there for me and still is never here?
When I was a child and he left me alone in the hotel room so he could go out with his girlfriend for five hours? When my aunt was slaving away trying to raise me, where was he? Elsewhere.
Or reading his newspapers or watching ____ on t.v.
What am I supposed to do? Why do I try so hard for a family that doesn't even love me half the time? Sometimes I think they love me, yet most of the time it's hard to believe.
I cheated on my girlfriend. At the World Series. And I don't know what to do. I love her a lot, I was just very drunk and was having some weird doubts. I wanted to see what it would be like. I surprised myself by not liking it. And now, the question is... Do I keep this from her, or tell her? I feel like telling her is the easy way out - because then my guilt won't be so horrible. I feel like if I don't tell her, then she won't be hurt and destroyed. But... is it morally wrong to keep that from her?
This is eating away at my soul.
I drank a lot last night. All by myself. Now, I'm at work and have a huge headache. Its pathetic, isn't it? Watched a movie, 'The sisterhood of the traveling pants 2'. Nice movie. But, I got drunk watching it. Why? Becoz, there's so much in that movie that made me want to 'throw up'. There were so much that reminded me of events that happened in the past. With an asshole of a prick. I would love to eraze him from my mind. Then it won't hurt as much as it still does.... even after all this time, it still hurts.... when is it going to end....?
I need to move on. I need to feel ok. But I don't. I feel crap. I just want to cry. I just want to be alone. I don't go out as much anymore. Fuck, I dont even go dancing anymore! It's so sad. This whole thing is just so sad.
Why do we allow ourselves to feel this way? How can one person make you feel like you're going insane. Becoz you miss him. Becoz you still love him. I look at pictures of us together. Holding hands. With his arms around me. I want that back. I want to go back to that time when it was like that. When he didnt have to go. When we could just enjoy being together. A happy couple. In love. Holding hands.
I NEED TO FORGET YOU.
But how......?
And when.....?
I wish I didn't have to. I wish you would walk back into my life. And things would go back to the way they were. Then I don't have to hurt anymore. Then I can love you again. As I still do.
For a year and a half, I'd been planning my suicide.
I knew where I was going to do it. I knew how I was going to do it.
I knew I wouldn't live for graduation, so I didn't bother with schoolwork or college applications or anything.
On the day I was going to do it, I went out to the planned location. I wrote down the note I'd been thinking about for months. I sat down. And I couldn't do it.
It's been about six months since I bailed out on that suicide.
I'm unemployed and living at home.
My friends are off enjoying college.
I have nothing to do with my time.
This sucks.
I'm pregnant.
I'm so excited.
I stopped smoking pot.
I went off my bipolar meds.
I'm having trouble quiting the cigarettes.
I am slowly going crazy.
I hope I will be a good parent.
I'm done rambling.
My family and I are pagan/wiccan, and deely spiritual rather than religious. This post is not an invitation for you right-wingers to tell me that I will surely burn in hell; I need help with a tough situation.
A young man, a recovering narcotics addict, has been kind of "adopted" by my family. He's a little "off"---but has a wonderful heart and something about him just pulls you to him. He's a lost soul who will do anything to help people. Recently, as he accompanied me and my grandson to a pow wow (Native American spirituality resonates strongly with us; we have been acepted as associate member of a local tribe as part of the Powhatan nation), he asked me to be his spiritual mentor. I am honored by his request and intend to fulfill it. That was the easy part.
Yesterday, we found out that "Dave" has an inoperable brain tumor. After crying my heart out, I realized that now, everything has changed. I was ready to be his spiritual mentor, but now he's going to die. How do I guide him through this? He has accepted that his life is now in the Goddess's hands, but where do I start to spiritually guide him through this?
Please, no stupid, blistering responses to this. My heart is breaking for him. Wihout bringing Christianity into this, because we totally reject it, does anyone have any advice or know of some resources I can use to deal with this? I already know that I need to meditate on this, but any real help would be appreciated.
my sister - it's been four years since she's spoken to me. I've never quite understood why. Well I know she hates me even more after finding out I was going through her emails last summer. Her fiance is abusing her from what I understand in my findings but I have no way to telling her or my family. My family seems rather distance as well; they're much closer with her than it is awkward for them to call me in any given time of the year. The holiday is just around the corner - it's unfortunate to not have a family to come home to.
You mess with my head. You're probably the worst possible choice for me, I hate your habit so much, and yet, you may be right. It's entirely possible that hating the drug is wrong. At the same time, I've seen how addiction can ruin lives, not only of the addicted party, but I've been in the family that's been torn apart by it. I've played second fiddle to someone elses dependency and if you honestly think I'm willing to do that again you're nuts! Having said that, you don't think I will, and I have to wonder if you think we should just be friends for a while longer because of how I feel about pot and because of your dependency on same? Can't you see that I realise that you're not at all the same as my biological father?? I'm not so stupid that I can't tell the difference. I said that I can accept that this is your choice, it's just not mine. Why do you still push me aside then? Stupid boy, you confuse the shit out of me! I really really don't need this right now either. Seriously, why tell me that you want to get back together only to turn around and say that you can't treat me the way I should be treated and so we should be friends for awhile longer. So you may be right, we should be just friends until you can make up your damn mind! I still don't get how it's possible that I know one version of you while your own brother thinks that you're a very very different person from who I know. Seriously kid! And how bad is it that I want to be with you despite the fact that you have a habit that I hate and one of the people you should be close to thinks you're someone you're not? GAH!
i think religion is nothing more than a societal security blanket. well...I shouldn't say nothing more. holidays are a good deviation from the repetitious nature of day to day life. religious communities help people to connect and identify with other people. but honestly, in the back of my mind i can't help but find believers unattractively naive. i wish i did believe, there would be a lot more purpose in the world, but i don't, and i don't know how others can.
Thank you God for answering prayer. Out of the top 10 things in my life stressing me out at this moment, you have started to deal with the top 3... all which have to do with debt. Thank you God for watching out for little me. Thank you for your willingness to bless me even when I am not worthy... Thank you for remembering me when I don't deserve it... Thank you for your mercies even when I turn my back on you and your purposes. I am blessed and hope to bless others with what you have provided.
I f*%$ing hate my life. I hate having to get up in the morning and figure out what the f*%$ I have to do everyday. I am so confused and worried about life that I want to cry. I'm not an emotional person, but the situation I'm in makes me want to just breakdown.
I need hope...
I need money...
I need a sense of security...
All the things that would come together to give me peace of mind and a sense of stability.
I have a family, but I can understand sometimes how people can off their family and then themselves. People call this a tragedy, but it's their solution to their problems. I can't see myself doing that but I understand.
I think about how I can relieve myself of this pain. I want to crack under all this pressure. I sometimes hate my wife and my children.
Apparently, I'm to blame for all their hardships...
I'm to blame for making the decisions I've made for the family...
I'm to blame for my wife wanting to associate with a man who wants to destroy my life and family...
I'm to blame for wanting to hide behind my work...
I'm to blame for the pressures of life that I succum to by working...
I'm to blame for working...
I'm to blame for working...
I'm to blame for working...
I can't come to grips with the fact that I need to do something else in life because I have no control and sense of direction.
I'm in debt up to my eyeballs and drowning... I hate my life...
You know, I pray... but there's no answer. I hate prayer... but I still pray and ask that someone give me strength to keep going on... I hate my life... I hate my f*%$ing life.
I've always been attracted to sassy men though after four years putting up with an abusive jerk - karma seemed to have taken a toll in both in our lives (my ex and I) after breaking up. Unfortunately for him, he's experiencing the mess I went through with him. Funny how it works that way.
For awhile now, I've lost interest in dating. It's become incredibly mundane meeting nice guys one after the other - all considerably boring. sorry guys in all honesty.
I recently met a former body builder from Korea - he had the image of a "bad-ass" and all the likes of what made him physically attractive. I couldn't take him seriously thinking he might be another korean jerk (my ex was korean) and his English was terribly bad to which I had to essentially dumb myself down to get him to understand.
But I was taken by surprise that his heart speaks otherwise after getting to know him. He came to the US not too long ago with 200 dollars in his pocket. He was rich nonetheless; rich in his passion for Christ. He was a devoted and active Christian who made my Christian life seem so minimal. He baked a banana cake for my bible study group last Friday which made everyone wanting to know the recipe. This morning he drove half an hour to drop off breakfast at my place before he went to work.
While nothing is official yet, I suppose I wanted to make note that sassy guys with a sensible heart do exist. I'm not sure what's keeping from me proceeding the possibility despite how accepting I am of him and his consideration that I was his gf. I couldn't say the same for him but he was okay with the idea.
Deep down, perhaps it's my selfishness of considering what others might think. He's completely opposite of someone I'd date though I like him for who he really was. Developing conversations is sometime a challenge; something I took consideration whether I'd be able to grow with this person despite the language barrier...
I'm desperately trying to come up with reasons to not hurt myself. I've never wanted to cut myself and just feel my pain and life drain away so much.
I just want to be held, to be told that I'm loved, that I'm worth someone's time.. but I'm not even worthy to be noticed.. my own husband was too busy in his own world to notice that I was crying when I served him his dinner.